The Pen15 End of Summer Re-Cap

R Von D's Official Statement: "It Never Got Weird Enough For Me."

Tomorrow, I will be leaving the friendly confines of Nashua, NH and I will resume my post as Classical Languages Chair in rural Patheticut. As I have stated prior, this summer has been hedonistic voyage for me fraught with the unapologetic mockery of others devoid of any vocation. Please understand that somebody like me has to do as much living as possible throughout the summer months before the humdrum existence of being a boarding school teacher wraps its icy fingers around my livelihood, thus causing it to shrink. Looking back though, I can't help but feel that this was the best summer of my adult life, and I wish to recap the entire summer for you in superlative form with the help of my Pen15 brethren.



Fridge's Official Statement: "I've been swimming in raw sewage all summer long. I LOVE IT."




This weekend, I'll be moving out of my parents house to head to the fighting city of Waltham. This summer has been interesting for me. I didn't vomit once, which leads me to believe that I've either gotten a bigger tolerance or I didn't drink enough. I also was told on more than one occasion that I was "looking thin." I dont know if these people are telling me I used to look like Vince Wilfork or if they're just trying to be nice, but I know I had self-esteem galore this summer and that lead to a generally more enjoyable experience for the past 3 months. Enjoy the following. If there are any inside jokes you don't get, too bad. (Also, I'm sorry I didn't use words with syllables as big as Mr. Monday Night did above.)

K-Rock Official Statement: "Let's go to the bar, get some drinks, see what's goin on"

I'm heading up to school for my senior year on Sunday. My goals for the year are to pay little attention to school work, get in better shape, and win the Division III Rugby National Championship. I'm going to accomplish this by drinking a lot of gin and watching as much college football as I can. I'll try to come up with some cool shit while i'm up there. I will also work on expanding my vocabulary so I can read what R Von D wrote above.

Best Car Accident: Lance Briggs

Lance "I woulda refused a breafalyza" Briggs took out a telephone pole then ran away from his $350,000 mess. Commander Goodell has yet to deport Briggs for the above action, Lance has also bought 3 new Lance-brighinis.

Worst Car Accident: Ron Von Don vs. Unknown Woodland Creature

Ron Von takes out a small animal. Drunk K-Rock riding shotty doesn't flinch. RVD has to file insurance claim due to horiffic damage. Hilarity does not ensue.

Best Party: The Lea Brothers Graduation Party

Whiffle ball, karaoke, drunk people, and a dunk tank. If you can beat that kind of party, I'd love to see you try.

Best Karaoke Performance: "Rebel Yell" - The Revue

No contest.

Worst Karaoke Performance: "I Touch Myself"

No comment necesarry. If you were at the Buffet and as uncomfortable as Fridge was, you know why.

Best Round of Mini-Golf: The Fridge

While aided by a Norman-esque meltown on the back nine by R Von D, Fridge was lights out during one "adventure themed" golf session, scoring three hole-in-ones on the back nine alone, and thus beating all other competitors by no less than seven strokes. All of this while having the worst sunburn known to man. Seriously, his face looked like it was made entirely of testicle skin.

Best Addition to the Skoal Family: Citrus Blend

Of the gods.

Worst Dancer: The C

We all know the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is, to her surprise, dubbed a horrible dancer. Picture the "little kicks" and then add senseless jumping up and down and screaming...that's how the C dances. Awful...just awful. Every time the C dances, God creates a new infectious disease. Don't let her do it.

Best Mack-Sesh: Fridge on the pregnant chick.

Bonus points for her being completely hammered while bearing seed and not being able to afford a cell phone. Also, the only mack session in history to be successful after a full beer was dumped on one's head.

Best Summer Drink: Miller Chill

We were going to call this category "Best Beer" but as Dana Complaina pointed out to us, this wonderful Celada Style Beer is actually found in the "malt beverages" section next to Smirnoff Ice and Twisted Teas. No matter, this stuff is unreal and goes really well with Tostitos.

Most Hot Dogs Eaten In A Single Sitting: Six and a half by Big Ron - Bad Dawgs

While not a record breaking endeavor, Big Ron eating five of his own hot dogs and then eating the one hot dog Wang couldn't finish horrified not only us, but the small children sitting beside us.

Best Use of a Taser: N/A

Worst Use of a Taser: DJ Dougie

I hate you Dougie and I hope you get hit by a Mack Truck.

Best Bar: Club OG

Cocktails mixed with Monster Energy drinks, Scorpion Bowls, little pudgy men kissing R Von D and Fridge on top of the head, a cage for dancing and Barnacle Bill all set in scenic Weirs Beach, NH. If I died today of a massive coronary, I'd rather go to Oriental Gardens than Heaven...there I said it.

Best Jersey Purchased: Carl Crawford, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Good work doughboy.

Best Use of Livestock: K-Rock and the Goat

Proving it's never "too early for goats," K-Rock culminated Wilkipalooza by throwing live goats into people's tents and shutting the door while they were still sleeping. How he managed to catch a goat at 8:00 am while still drunk and on two hours sleep will forever remain a mystery to us all.

Worst Use of Livestock: Fridge and Domn8r at the Yee

The entire lack of shame and standards inherit throughout this endeavor will forever be something of legend. Gave new meaning to the term "goin' hoggin'."
Fridge's note: (I will be marketing t-shirts in the coming weeks bearing the slogan I PLAYED WINGMAN FOR DOM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS CRAPPY T-SHIRT.)

Best Drink Promotion: "Kick the Keg" at Penuche's

$1.50 drafts until the keg is gone. Honestly what better way to get people arrested on the way home.

Best Drunk Dial: Conor "the King of Manchester":

You're just going to have to trust me on this one. In a word: epic.

Worst Brokeback Experience: Fridge Lathers Ron Von Don

There is nothing cool about rubbing SPF 30 into one of your regular pal's backs.

Worst Use of Sleeves: Hefe

It's summer, it's hot, you're in a crowded bar sweating, but you feel like you need to at least wear a tshirt with sleeves on it because you're embarassed about your scrawny arms. Not Hefe. This kid would go cut-off on an arctic expedition. Our friends are hard to the core, core to the rotten, jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton.

Best Blog: Pen 15 Club

Worst Blog: Chronicles of Duke

Angriest Sober Person: K-Rock

The amount of joy we all felt when K-Rizzle finally got drunk this summer is indescribable. You could actually see the bitterness and sarcasm melt away from his face, his arms came uncrossed and he finally started to enjoy his life. Big shout out to Hambone and Wilkipalooza for helping K-Rock be himself again.

Angriest Drunk Person: Baron Von D

When I'm sober I tolerate you. When I'm drunk I loathe the very thought of you. I will add though that after a truly Bacchanalian Summer such as this one (please look that word up) I have decided to go "dry" until the night before Thanksgiving. Recently I have learned that it's not socially acceptable to bite aluminum cans in half. For one, it makes me look like a complete psycho. Also, it provokes other people, fat annoying dipshit people, to attempt this and cut their mouths open. You're not as cool as me.

Best Web Gem: Hambone's Faceplant

Hambone impaled himself into the ground at Amherst Middle School laying out for a fly ball to right field. It was hilarious. I mean half the people there wet themselves hilarious.

Best Stomach Evacuation of the Summer: K-Rock vs. the Scorpion Pitcher

One time K-Rock had too many scorpion bowls and vomited everywhere. He didn't clean it up or flush the toilet. He acted real surprised when Mrs. K-Rock informed him of his actions the next day. K-Rock had another internal debate regarding the merits of a Month of Detox. Detox lost.

Best Insult: "You Fat Mess"

Used liberally throughout the summer to anyone and everyone. Nobody was safe from the Pen15 Club's signature insult. Male, female, doesn't matter. You knew that at some point you had this phrase coming your way. If you never heard us say this to you directly, it is more than likely how we referred to you when you weren't around or just simply out of earshot.


While we at the club will continue to post over the course of the year, we are sad to see our first summer as a team go. Yet, we look forward to more posts, more writers to come (including Hambone) and new shit to be angry about. Thanks to all of you for your continued support. Now get back to work, you fat mess.

See you in hell,
The Pen15 Club

The Definitive Guide to Metal Album Covers

Since I was a kid listening to the Ozzy Osbourne tape "Bark at the Moon" that my brother stole from a flea market, metal music has always been a part of my life. Now, while most of the people reading this will scoff at this type of music, I will contend that while this type of music is not for everybody, it is certainly for the awesome. Metal music is for brawny, hairy, and foul-smelling men who don't care what you think. My type of music is for people who would rather drink Kenny Chesney's urine than listen to his music. I hate country music and most anything played in heavy rotation on 94.5 out of Boston (possible exceptions are "A Bay Bay" and the like). To me, heavy metal music is not only appealing to listen to, but in order to be true metal, the aesthetic level has to go much deeper than pounding licks and fierce drums. There has to be a visual component to the music as well. Now, seeing as how most musicians in this genre are uglier than most burn victims, the real visual pleasure is in their album art. Here are some examples.


Yngwie Malmsteen - "Trilogy"

Anybody who has listened to Malmsteen's music will tell you that this cat can wail on a guitar. What he is trying to tell you in this cover is that he wails so hard, in fact, that he can produce a flame thrower from his guitar large enough to take out a three-headed dragon (Three heads...trilogy...get it?) all while striking a seemingly incredibly uncomfortable pose atop a majestic mountain in the clouds. Do you believe him? I sure do. Now, if you have ever seen Yngwie in person, you'd know that he couldn't beat an infant in a fist fight, yet the power of rock has made him seemingly invincible. Oh yeah, nice heels Mr. Malmsteen.




Ozzy Osbourne - "The Ultimate Sin"

Many of you might not know this, but before Ozzy Osbourne was shown on TV drooling on himself and coloring he was actually pretty b'dass. Album covers like "Blizzard of Oz" and the aforementioned "Bark at the Moon" prove this. However, none of the album covers produced by "the Prince of Darkness" are quite as hard as "The Ultimate Sin." Here, Ozzy depicts himself as a dragon, but with his own head, which is pretty boss. Also, there is fire, a volcano, and a woman in tight animal print pants, stilettos, and a puffy pirate shirt commanding Ozzy to do her bidding. If that doesn't set a tone I don't know what does. Bonus points for that chick more than likely hailing from Revere, Mass.



Dragonforce - "Valley of the Damned"

I wanted to point out this album not only for its' awesomeness, but more for the fact that this album was released in 2003. It does my heart good to see bands like Dragonforce and Mastadon doing their part to keep album artwork alive. With the digital music era being what it is, I'm sure it's easy for bands or artists to just slap a picture of themselves on their album and call it a day. Not Dragonforce. It makes my heart leap to see this here. Not only do they go away from the norm by incorporating ice instead of fire, but you gotta hand it to them for throwing a large-chested she-wizard on the cover flanked by two majestic steeds. Why is she wearing so little clothing in frigid temperatures? Doesn't matter, it rocks.



Molly Hatchet - "Take No Prisoners"

Now, while technically not a metal band to most, Molly Hatchet definitely turned out some nice album covers. The band's "Take No Prisoners" is a Boris Vallejo wet dream. I strongly suggest you check out the works of Boris Vallejo if you don't know who I'm talking about. You'll thank me later. Now, before there was emo musicians whining and writing in journals, we had men like these depicted on album covers. From the majestic poses, to capes blowing in the wind, to the "I don't give a shit" pose of the guy on the far right with his arms crossed and foot up on the dragon, you knew these guys meant business. Also, this album incorporates one of my favorite themes of metal art: weapons. Any time you see people with ridiculous looking weaponry for no reson, you've got yourself a good album cover. I also like the fact that they're all wearing loincloths. Nothing says "metal" more than a good bulge. Just ask the dudes from Spinal Tap (greatest movie ever).


WHAT NOT TO DO:

Pantera - "Metal Magic"

No, there is no mistake here, this is the same Pantera as you remember. The first two album covers from Pantera were unspeakably bad, but I just chose this one to prove the point. Quick story; I saw Pantera live once and the lead singer Phil Anselmo bashed his own head with the microphone until he was bleeding and the microphone was dented, and the entire band was drinking straight Wild Turkey from full solo cups throughout the show. So, is there any excuse for a cover this bad? No. They should have known better. Also, what is the deal with the cat's sword. There's nothing magical about that aside from how awful it is. The clouds are pink, the cat-thing is wearing a belt despite not wearing pants, and he's making the "I love you" sign with is off hand. It's a good thing* Dimebag Darrell got shot by a fan because if he'd have seen this album cover now, he would have died of shame.


Well, I hope you all learned something from this. And if not, then please go back to listening to "country songs" about fruity drinks and vacations with Jimmy Buffet. Either that, or go listen to your techno while you gel your hair up before you go fake tanning, stupid guido.


With meedly-meedlies and squeedly-deedlies,
Baron Von D


*I am not happy Dimebag Darrell died, it was a tragedy and he was one of my favorite guitarists ever, I was just proving a point. Lighten up.

Statement Regarding Michael Vick

Seeing as the Michael Vick dogfighting case is an important issue and the Pen15 Club has a high ranking status, we found it necessary to give our official statement regarding this case. I do not want to have the views of Ronny VD and Fridge confused with mine though, so i'm going to write my own.

First off, we want to let it be known that we find Vick and all of his friends who plead guilty along with him to be scumbags. The level of cruelty that these men reached is something that you don't believe exists. Apparently they had nothing else good going on in their lives that they had to torture innocent animals who probably did not compete to their expectations. Clearly Vick is the most despicable of the whole crew though. Think about it, his buddies are living off his huge contract and multiple endorsements. Vick has a few houses and he just lets these guys stay in the one at 1915 Moonlight Road in Surry County, Virginia. Vick has so much else going for him, yet he decided to spend his time and money funding and participating in this dogfighting venture.

I will be very honest, a couple members of the Pen15 Club are not what some would consider to be "Dog enthusiasts" or even anything close to that. Myself and the fridge spent a lifetime walking to bus stops and local pools and had to walk by large dogs who would bark at us every time. This gave me a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories. Anyway, I have said that I would actually be interested to see one of these dog fights some time. I do not like dogs and seeing them take out their anger on each other rather than me would be somewhat sweet. That is as far is I take it though. I do not think these dogs should be put on rape stands, electrocuted, drowned, and whatever else these sick fucks did to the dogs. I don't see how these guys are able to justify in their heads killing a dog because it is "Underperforming." If it is that bad and unaggressive, don't throw down thousands of dollars on it.

I hope this judge throws the book at Vick. Bad Newz Kennels has to be one of the most horrific operations I have ever heard of. I'm sure he is going to get financially screwed by the Falcons wanting money back and possibly the IRS because of all the illegal gambling, but I hope he actually gets screwed, by some big dude named Bubba who should be playing outside linebacker for the Carolina Panthers along with Dan "Pineapple Library Chocolate Shoe" Morgan, but he is doing 25 to life. Good luck Mike, hope that 4.3 40 pays off in prison.

Hugs and Hand Pounds,
- K-Rock -

Who's Now: Elite Eight

We're getting down to the nitty-gritty here. Here are he match-ups for the Elite Eight.


The Revue (1) Vs. The Vest (4)


Hambone (6) Vs. Conor (7)


The General (16) Vs. RBoosk (4)


Fridge (3) Vs. Dom (2)

The Top 5 Glorious Reasons I’m Still Single: By R Von D

Throughout this summer, I have told people that my summer will consist of “no booze, no women.” While I have not had the willpower to stick to the former, the latter has been a breeze for me. At first, I used the “no chicks summer” as a reason for me not even trying. To be honest, my confidence was shot at the end of the school year and I was bummed about getting older. As the summer progressed though, I found myself embracing my “singleness” even to the point of being offensive in appearance and attitude. Thus, I have sat down with the Fridge to weed out the reasons I am still single.

I have shaved my face once this entire summer.

I started growing a beard at the beginning of the summer because I thought all the fat in my body resided in my lower jaw, and so having a beard was a wonderful way to cover that up. On top of that, I wanted to look grizzled so nobody would give me shit. If you saw me in a bar, you think “shit, there’s a guy who can pound booze and kick the balls right out of my pants.” I have yet to get in a fight this summer and I feel that my ragged facial hair has a lot to do with this fact. Furthermore, looking like I do will assuredly not get you any women, I don’t think they like the “I don’t take care of myself” look. Oh well, I dig it. Wamp, wamp (what it do).

I can beat “Guitar Hero II” on Expert

While this doesn’t sound like a feat that would keep me single, I defy you to actually put in the time to make this happen. People go on and on about Free Bird at the end of the game, but that song was almost an anti-climax. Think of it this way, in the 1980 Winter Olympics, the United States Hockey team defeated Finland in the Gold Medal game, not Russia. Still, the game against Russia with Mike Eruzione scoring the goal at the end of the game just put the US in position to win the gold. Similarly, I had a harder time beating the Dick Dale masterpiece “Miserlou” than I did “Free Bird”…I actually beat Free Bird on the first attempt. I actually broke a sweat playing Misirlou, how about that. What does this have to do with me being single? How about spending every ounce of free time devoted to a video game? When was the last time you were that passionate about anything? And you call me a dork? What makes me more awesome is that game actually made me a better ACTUAL guitar player, so some good did come from it. You just wasted 80+ dollars on a date with some girl who just thinks you’re “really nice and funny”…I win.

Any time not playing “Guitar Hero” was spent focusing on my career as a Karaoke Superstar

If you have yet to hear the Revue in action, I suggest you figure out where we are appearing and make it your business to be there. We recently had to send out disclaimers warning women to bring an extra set of unders to our performances as we tend to ruin said garments with our unmatched virility. If you have any doubt about this, come watch me and the Fridge burn the house down with “Rebel Yell” or “Hey Jude.” You might find yourself having the greatest obituary ever reading something about how you passed away due to your brain being blown out of the back of your skull because you experienced something so awesome that your mind simply could not process it. Now, you may think that something so awesome would assuredly land me some female attention, but there are two issues. Firstly, I’m an artist who is in it for the art, not the residual benefits therein. Secondly, girls cool enough to hang with the Revue don’t typically hang out in the places we perform, which makes it difficult to impress anybody except for other karaoke giants like Mr. Martini and the fat girl who always sings “Black Velvet”.

I make fun of women

As our resident “C” will tell you, my language and demeanor towards the fairer sex leaves a lot to be desired. Over the past year or so, I have become so disillusioned with the thought of women that I have become somewhat mean. Please, if you are female and are reading this, please take this as a formal apology to any mean thing I have said to you lately. I said it out of anger and it had nothing to do with you. Except for “the C”…she deserves everything she gets, including my “foul smelling ‘foofs’” as she wrote in her first entry. Also, I am troubled to hear girls talk about how they only “go for the assholes” and yet I remain unapproachable in the dating apartment. I’m the biggest asshole you know, so what’s the deal. My own ex-girlfriend commented on this webpage exclaiming, “Wow, you really are a dick, huh?” God only knows why she stayed with me as long as she did...poor thing. To quote one of the greatest men of our generation:

“I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel towel out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science." –Ron Burgundy

I used my parents’ timeshare for a “mancation”

While many others would use the peaceful surroundings of Weirs Beach as a romantic getaway, I used my time there hanging out with Fridge, Wang, and Big Ron. Now, this is a sound move in both recreational and financial arenas. First of all, my dinners were not that of romance and candle light, but rather spent eating hot dogs, ribs, and assorted meats while drinking nothing but beer and listening to REALLY offensive metal music complete with solos way up on the meedly-meedlies. If that doesn’t sound like your type of extended weekend you can go to hell. In terms of recreation, we went out to dive bars, sang some karaoke, and played a good amount of mini-golf. Again, this was the most fun I have had in a while, and if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea then you’re not invited next year, male or female. That shit’s just a good old-fashioned American weekend, communist.

I will note though, that our own Dana Complaina made the trip up for one night, but instead of putting the moves on her, I called her names and let her hang out with Barnacle Bill while I danced at Club OG by myself and drank cheap booze.

This concludes the list of why I’m still sans-girlfriend and I have never been more proud of myself. As the sun sets on the greatest summer of my life, I am reminded of all the good times. Eating hot dogs with Big Ron, kicking out the jams with my main squeeze The Fridge, and playing an inordinate of video games. Next week I will return to my post in rural Connecticut for a few months of solitude save for 300 or so young men who give me a hard time. And at the very least, I did all of this over the course of the summer and I had nobody to give me shit, which of course, is the best part of being a single, swingin’ cat. Nobody gives me shit.

Still doin’ the “Stray Cat Strut”

R Von D

Cities That Would Be Awesome To Call Home

I live in Nashua, NH. Not that tough, hard, rich, poor, or anything outstanding. I think we are the best place two live two times running, but that is mostly voted on by jerks and lesbians so no big deal. One time I lived in Wallingford, CT. Don't worry about it. I was born in North Providence, RI. When I tell people that, I don't pronounce the "r" in North in order to make myself feel hard. People look at me strangely. None of the three are overly cool. Nashua has a strong Puerto Rican population. North Providence has moved from Italians to darks. I need some Goddamn street cred. Top 5 places that would make me harder if I was born there.

1. Staten Island, NY.

Known to many as "Shaolin." Home to the Wu-Tang Clan. Not home to pussies.

2. Compton, LA, CA.

I would generally keep a blue flag hangin' out the back side, but only on the left side. Ya, that's the Crip side. I can see it now, The Game and I would have grown up on the same block, sippin' Olde English together, smokin' L's, overall livin' it up. Instead I go to a college with a 26:1 Guy to straight chick ratio. Also extremely close to USC.

3. Illadelph, PA

215. The area code that is frequently rapped about by The Roots and even once by Ludacris. The end of my AIM screename. The weight class I wrestled in high school. A generally cool number. Home to many awesome athletes including Charles Barkley and Skoal Hamels.

4. Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, NY

Bedford-Stuyvesant Heights. This is the home to a ton of cool hip-hop artists and I feel my rap career would be on a better track at this point in my life had I been born here. Jay-Z. Talib Kweli. Mos Def. Notorious B.I.G. Busta Rhymes. Come on, this place is awesome. "I got an obscure reference, Dave Chappelle's Block Party."

5. Surry County, VA.

Granted I may have just accepted a plea bargain, I would be WAY cooler if I was from here. 1915 Moonlight Road is the home to some of the best underground dog fights around the United States. That place is fuckin Bad Newz.

Still not cool or tough. Oh well. I guess i'll just end up eating a lot of spicy food, humming black people music into my 30's, well into my 30's.

Shaolin's Finest,

- K-Rock -

Top 10 Things You Can't Look Cool Doing

Let’s face it, you can’t always look cool. I’m sorry. It was a shock to me as well. I probably look cool approximately 85% of the time, and like my days in the classroom that’s a solid B average. I’ll take it. Some people clearly don’t care about looking cool, and that’s fine, you’ll see these people doing the following acts much more frequently then they should. If you want to avoid being labeled a jackass, and I’m sure you do if you’re checking out the Pen15 Club daily, stay away from everything on this list. Even Dalton couldn’t pull these off.

First some honorable mentions: Nintendo Wii, giving or receiving a hand job, using the elliptical, socks and sandals.

On to the Top 10…

10. Eating a banana-

Yeah they got a ton of potassium and they’re good for you, but don’t eat one in front of anybody. Talking more to the guys here. I don’t care if you peel it down and hold onto the outside like a handle or just rip the thing right out of there, there isn’t a good way. Not only do you look like you’re holding a pen15 but then you stick it in you’re mouth. It’s an uncomfortable experience… or it should be. Your best bet if you have to eat one with people watching, throw the peel and make some joke about how the next guy to walk by will wipe out. That should by you some time.

9. Going public skating-

What’s the point anyway? You got your terrible skaters who think it’s funny to hold on to their date for dear life, or your jerk offs who think they’re Sidney Crosby. Either way you look like a douche. If that’s your idea of a great first date or some shit, it’s not. Go to dinner and a movie or something. And if you’re skating around trying to show off, join a hockey league hero.

8. Walking in ski boots-

In the winter months in New England you have a few choices. There are the d-bags who go public skating, then nearly everyone else hits the slops. This one, however, is unavoidable. I’m a skier, and walking in ski boots is quite an experience. It’s like you forgot how to walk, and have to teach yourself while dodging people’s bags and the wooden benches that are way too close together. When you’re in the lodge it’s like an unspoken understanding that everyone in there will walk around like robots, you don’t laugh, you don’t say anything. Just move on.

7. Riding a unicycle-

This one seems a bit random, because after all, who has a unicycle? Well to my delight just two months ago I was driving home from work in Nashua, when right outside Historic Holman Stadium I saw a grown man transporting himself on a unicycle. Quite a sight. I gave him a hard triple take, and almost crashed. I used to think you could not look cool riding a bike, but they have come out with some sick bikes and the X games happened, etc. But a bike with one wheel? Come on folks.

6. Throwing a ball with your off hand-

This one comes with an exception, as R Von D correctly pointed out, former Boston Red Sox pitcher Greg Harris, who could in fact throw strikes with either hand. Besides him though, give it a try. If you’re a righty just pick up a baseball with your left hand and you’ll do a spot on Johnny Damon imitation.

5. Drinking out of a straw-

Look at someone’s face next time they drink out of a straw. Yeah it’s not cool. My father has never used a straw. He drinks beers. My family was out to the Olive Garden, which was lovely, not to long ago and the waitress brought everyone water. She put the straws on the table and walked away. My dad began to drink from his glass, and I said, “Hey you want this straw?” as I motioned to give it him. He looked at me like I offered him a purse. I grabbed another bread stick and put my head down.

4. Ordering a Bud Select-

Don’t. What a Bud Heavy or Bud Light isn’t good enough for you? You feel special cause it says “Select?” You want a straw with that?

3. Wearing a turtleneck-

http://www.nznature.co.nz/images/turtlenecks.gif

http://www.dimaggio.org/images/Heroes/Sagan.jpg

Carleton Banks wore a turtleneck, and he was a lot of things, but cool was not one of them. I don’t know who it’s more uncomfortable for, the person wearing the turtleneck or the people that have to see it. Not sure why people wear these things. To hide a hickey? Perhaps. To cover up a vampire bite? Doubtful. To look like a jag off? Definitely.

2. Getting out of the pool-

This is just brutal. It’s an uncomfortable situation no matter how you chose to get out. Pull yourself out on the side, use the latter in the deep end, or walk out in the shallow end. Like ski boots this is unavoidable. You can’t just stay in the pool forever, trust me. The water pulls down on your trunks while you’re working yourself out. If they aren’t tied to tightly you get ass crack, which is a great look. Either way your shorts get stuck to you in the man region. At that point you have two choices. 1. Grab the front of your shorts and pull up and out to give your junk some room, or 2. Attempt to show some class by not grabbing yourself only to show off your goods as they have just been molded like a wax museum statue. Oh yeah, the water was most likely cold too.

1. Eating an ice cream cone-

I always go shake, frappe, or “in a bowl, please.” People-watching is a fan favorite of almost anybody, and I recommend doing it near a place that serves scream. Watching someone attack an ice cream cone is quite enjoyable. There are two ways to do it. You can go all in by just licking the shit out of it. Stick your tongue way out and lap up full strokes of delicious ice cream. Or you can take those little lip bites. You know what I’m talking about. Eat an ice cream cone in front of the mirror sometime, and the next time you go to JP Licks, the DQ, or wherever the hell you get your cold treat… you’ll get a frappe too.

Keefe

Also I would like to say that if I had to be eliminated from the “Who’s Now?” contest I’m glad it came at the hands of the Revue.

Thank You.

Fridgerino's Favorite Movie Character Names

In my 24 years on Earth, I've spent a lot of time enjoying movies, soda and popcorn. This probably led to two things, horrifying acne and a solid streak of years not knowing the touch of a female. Those issues are here nor there, because all that time spent gave me a dearth (real word?) of knowledge about movie characters. What follows is a list of my favorite 15 movie character names of all time.

1. Al Czervik - Caddyshack

Dangerfield at his best raising hell and harassing Judge Smails, hanging out with Wang, calling out crummy chefs, making fun of Spaulding, dancing like a queen and demolishing the Flying Wasp. Bonus points added for his last name sounding like cervix and being challenging to pronounce.

2. Rod Farva - Super Troopers

This is a classic fat, obnoxious, clueless white man name. Rod does a good job being chubby, having small genitals and being lathered in powdered sugar.

3. Charlie Babbitt - Rain Man

As much as this Pen15Club has a strong distaste for Tom Cruise, the sound of hearing a mentally challenged Dustin Hoffman repeat this name 400 times in a 2 hour span causes a twinkle in our collective eye.

4. Jesus Quintana - The Big Lebowski

Cmon. Nobody fucks with him.

5. Stanley Goodspeed - The Rock

This begins the "Nicholas Cage Run," challenging only the "Fantasy-Football Draft Run on Tight Ends" for Run Superiority. Goodspeed, godspeed, Godspell, whatever.

6. Memphis Raines - Gone in 60 Seconds

This character name clearly should not have been assigned to a white skinny man who lost his skill at stealing cars.

7. Castor Troy - Face/Off

Ron Von Don could write an essay describing why the attempted symbolism of this name does not work, but let's be honest, nobody cares about the Classics because it's 2007 and we have internet porn instead.

8. Cameron Poe - Con-Air

"Why couldn't you put the bunny in the box?" Why couldn't you save that poor prison guard from being molested by Johnny23? This name sounds more like a pitcher for the Texas Rangers. Oh, wait. Kameron Loe.

9. Booby Miles - Friday Night Lights

If y'all want to win, y'all need to let Booby spin. Clearly the best name in the history of film for a running back.

10. Billy Batts - Goodfellas

Maybe it's his hairdo, maybe it's the fact that he survives this movie for about 15 minutes too long, but all in all, yelling "BATTS" with an Italian accent is one of the Pen15Club's oldest and most treasured hobbies. Do not get "fresh" with Batts. Do shine his shoes if he asks.

11. Trent "Double Down" Walker - Swingers

So money, you don't even know it.

12. Winston Zeddemore, Egon Spangler - Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters II

These names are so ridiculous that they win one spot. Winston wears black jeans that are 2 sizes too tight and Egon is convinced women are interested in his epididymis.

13. Kent "Flounder" Dorfman - Animal House

This nickname is like the Mendoza line that all other nicknames have to surpass in terms of perfection.

14. Chester "Chazz" Darby - Airheads

If you haven't seen this movie since you were 12, don't go searching for it. I guarantee you the Adam Sandler pee pee jokes aren't funny anymore, and Steve Buscemi plays Steve Buscemi. Michael "Kramer" Richards crawling through a vent like he's being chased out of The Laugh Factory is the only redeeming quality for this film.

15. "Steamin" Willie Beamen - Any Given Sunday

"My name is Willie, Willie Beaman.

I keep the ladies, Creamin.

And all my fans, Got me screamin.

Think you can defeat me? Your dreamin"

Please add your own favorite movie character names in the comments. Come see the Revue Friday night.

Warm and Friendly Regards,

El Fridgerino

I Shaved My Balls For This? : R Von D and the Young Faculty Mixer (repost)

Working at an all-boys boarding school has its advantages. For starters, focusing on your craft and really becoming a better teacher is really easy to accomplish. A place void of any type of external stimulation will assureadly leave you immersed in whatever discipline to which you are inclined after all. Also, being where I am helps me to have a closer relationship with the students here. Simply put, some of the shit that comes out of these kids mouths would both astonish you and make your skin crawl. There definitely are some awful little pricks nancin' about here, but I've learned with time to be entertained by their monkeyshines instead of getting offended. You also have to realize that, while offensive to 99% of the outside world, calling some kid a "miserable faggy c*nt" is just par for the course here. What other way do adolescent boys have to establish dominance at an all-boys school (other than kickin' somebody's ass) than callin' somebody awful names. It just happens.

However this proves to be a bit trying at times, and schools like ours give us an outlet to branch out a bit as young faculty. They set up these things called "Young Faculty Mixers" that we all like to attend. Let me give you the rundown as to how these things work:

These mixers are usually held at the headmaster's really nice house with a lot of expensive beers for me and my homies to slug down for free while attempting to be social outside of our school environment. Seems like a good deal right? You're saying to yourself, "Wouldn't you have a great time at something like that? You get to meet people just like you with similar interests yadda yadda yadda." And while all that is true, let me first tell you some stories.

The first mixer we had was at another school, and for some reason they decided to hold it in a yoga/pilates themed exercise room. There was a lot of space and a really kick-ass bar that had been set up. However, working at an all-boys school has me working with a predominantly male faculty. So what do we do? We show up three cars deep, about fourteen guys in all. We're the first ones there (by a lot) and the last ones to leave at the end of the night (by a lot). Awesome. When we show up, me and one of my buddies make our way over to the bar to say hello and mix us up something nice, only to find that the other dozen knuckleheads we came with are all huddled around the collapsible table that has been set up and they are now converting that into a beirut table. No bullshit, this is thirty seconds after our arrival. We did not stop at merely looking like complete gorillas though. Later on in the night, a colleague of mine punted a full-size exercise ball into the face of some poor bastard enjoying some mixed drink. Priceless.

Also, while you go to young faculty mixers to meet people outside of your school and kind of get a chance to be a twenty-something for once, one thing inevitably always happens. You'll introduce yourself to somebody standing next to you at the refrigerator out of sheer politeness. The two of you will go through where both of you work, what you teach, what you coach, so on and so forth. You'd think after that you'd get some information of where this other person comes from, what they do in his or her spare time, mabye get a phone number and a "let's get a drink sometime." You'd think that, and then you'd be severely dissapointed because the conversation ALWAYS goes in one direction...kids.

I like kids. I like being a teacher, but that's not all I like to talk about. I don't care what little Timmy did in class that got you so mad today. I don't know the kid and chances are I never will. I'm not interested and you're not interesting. End of conversation. I'm looking around the party and I'm desperate to find one human being in this place and I can't find any, which leads me to question, "I shaved my balls for this? Did I actually think I'd meet somebody here worth talking to?" I grew up thinking that all high school teachers were losers, and it turns out I was right. Now I can hear you asking whether or not I would rather just sit at home and have a pecker-party with all the dudes I work with, and the answer is yes. At least if I'm doing that I know somebody is going to say something funny or at least fart so I can get a cheap laugh. Here is an actual transcript of a conversation I had with one of these social misfits. At one point during the night, an impromptu dance party broke out. Now when I say dance party, I mean two Salisbury guys heard music, and started dancing really closely to this girl who we know came with several female friends, none of them attractive. I approach this young lady and say in jest:

Me: Hahaha, you should probably go find your friends, because I don't think you wanna be stuck between these two assholes all night.
Her: ...
Me: I'm just messin' with you, hun. They're just trying to have fun.
Her: I don't find you funny at all...

Seriously, this is what I deal with. People without any kind of wherewithal to understand when I am joking around. Not to mention that if I were in Nashua, this girl wouldn't get the time of day from The General at the Garden, let alone me or any of my friends. You all know me, you know I'm a pretty jovial guy who likes to fuck with people, lighten the fuck up, will ya? The highlight of my night came afterwards though when the headmaster of the school we were partying at, whose house we were in at this particular meeting of the minds, asked me "What do the young girls like taking shots of?" Now here's a guy who has got this figured out. Have the party in your house, come in late cocked off your ass, and feed shots to the young teacher-girls. My hero.

What I want you to take away from this is please be happy wherever you are that you get to socialize with people who have lives. People who can tell you a story about their day that doesn't involve little Timmy or little Susan. Please be happy that you can talk to people that for all intents and purposes have souls. Tonight's a Friday night. I hope you're all going out tonight and getting somebody's number if you're single, or at least you're listening to something interesting that somebody is saying. I'll be here, writing a blog in my classroom in the middle of making up exams that I have to give at 7:30 am on a Saturday.

You wish you had my job.


XOXO,
Ron

The Seemingly Innocuous Things That Infuriate The Pen15 Club

1. Yawning too loudly:

All of you work in an office, a classroom, or live with somebody who does this. Being in education, I can tell you that nothing sticks in my craw more than a kid hitting me with an obnoxiously loud yawn five minutes into class. What gets me even more is the other day I was sitting in the car with a woman who I didn’t know. In a ten minute car ride, we got three obnoxiously long and loud yawns followed by “num num num” each time. What the shit is that? I wish I could demonstrate this if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Also, if I’m close enough to you to smell your breath, you’re gonna hear about it. I hate everyone.

2. Shortening words or Combining Words
   

You aren’t clever, you’re not cute…cut the shit. I will say right now that I hate Rachel Ray. Nothing she does is any good. Many people don’t know this, but she’s not even an accredited chef. I heard her being interviewed and she kept talking about how she has no training, just liked to cook when she got home from work and left bowls of whatever outside her neighbors doors. You think that’s cute, I think that’s creepy. Get a husband, and not one that pays prostitutes to spit on them like the one you already have, creepshow. I bet she just sat in her kitchen when she was younger, made some banana bread and sobbed while watching a Lifetime movie about a young girl getting pregnant. Also, what's the deal with all the body-suits? That aside, shortening words like “obvi” and putting two words together like “fantabulous” and “ginormous” makes you sound like a douche. Not only that, but I’m furious right now that my spell check actually recognizes the word “fantabulous.”

3. Women who like men who wear pink:

I’ve heard more than one woman drone on about how they like men who wear pink “because it shows that they’re comfortable with themselves.” Guys who wear pink are like the “guitar guy at the party.” They are making the decision to do what they do because they want you to notice. They want you to think that they’re comfortable with themselves enough to wear pink. Now, the only other people who like pink on guys other than the ones who think they’re “brave” are yuppy assholes, another group of people I have no use for. These are people who don’t go on vacation, they “summer.” They can name everybody famous that they “prepped with” and typically have never been in a fist fight and drink nothing but vodka tonics.

4. Wilmer Valderamma

Wilmer has made a career out of wearing funny clothes and making a silly voice on a TV show. You know who else did that? A little guy named Jaleel White. Who is Jaleel White you ask? He played Urkel. Did you ever see Urkel getting with Lindsay Lohan and whoring around Hollywood? No. Urkel had class and was a nasty one-guard for the Bricklayers in the “MTV Rock and Jock B-Ball Games.” He even crossed up Tim Hardaway once. Now that says something. Not being good at anything except talking with a lisp does nothing for me. Also, have you seen that show “Yo Mama?” Is that not the worst thing you’ve ever seen? Why does Wilmer have his car parked behind him all the time? These are things you should be asking yourself.

5. Girls Who Wear Pink Red Sox Apparel

So you’re doing your boyfriend a favor and going to a game with him? That’s nice of you. I’m sure he really appreciates you making that sacrifice for him. But, you will not be deterred in “looking cute” even at a sporting contest with other fans who pride themselves on being pissed off all the time. So, you jumping up and down every time David Ortiz is up because you “LOOOOOOOOVE Big Papi” is probably not a good idea. Also, don’t refer to the team as “we,” as in “Oh are we winning?” Pink shirts don’t count as uniforms; you’re not on the team. Get a navy blue or red shirt then we’ll talk. Look and act like you’ve been there before. I only say this because I have never in my life seen anybody wear a pink Yankee shirt, and you have no idea how bad you’re making the rest of us look. Don’t make us look soft in front of Yankee fans.

6. People Chewing With Their Mouth Open

I realize that feeding time can be a time for relaxation, rest, respite, and any other R word that sounds fun and calming. But do me a favor...we're all adults here...chew with your g-d mouth CLOSED. The sound of lettuce crunching against a blackened piece of chicken is not something I'm wholly interested in. Maybe I was raised correctly, maybe you're just a toolbox, but fix the way you act before I go postal.

7. Females with Morals, Values and Standards

Cman, I'm not THAT bad looking, smelling, etc.

8. People who refer to their sports team as "we."

Mostly callers to sports talk radio here, these tortured souls find it necesarry to include themselves in every move the Celtics, Red Sox, or Patriots make. "We got Gagne, but we couldn't get Jermaine Dye." Paying for a bleacher seat once a season does not make you a valued member of the Red Sox front office, moron.

9. Beer Snobs

Just because you smell your own farts (and enjoy it) doesn't mean you all have to shove your multi-syllabic named lagers down our throat. Bud. Pabst. Natty. Stones. These are the types of names that beers should have. Nobody wants to hear about how frothy your raspberry lambic hefeweizen lageraledraughtstaught is. Drinking is supposed to be a personal, private, shameful moment (at least it is for the Pen15Club in the places we frequent.) The next person I see at a Red Sox game ordering a Guinness or Smithwick's is getting a hot dog thrown at them.

10. MySpace Viruses

For the love of all that is holy in this world, all MySpacers need to band together and let each other know when a friend, a foe, someone in your Top 8 has a virus. Put aside the fact that she commented on your boyfriend's pictures. We have to rid MySpace of this, if only for my sanity. I've seen more fake South Park characters this month than I know what to do with. No Conor, I do not want to look at Funny Adult Cartoons either. I personally think that if we can conquer MySpace viruses, world peace and time travel can't be far behind.

With hate in our hearts,
Ron Von Dizzle, K-Rock, El Frigorifico

Who's Now? Second Round Results

C-Word Bracket

Revue - 1
Keefe - 8

In general, the Revue owns all. While they are in the midst of a change of home venues, their presence among the Southern NH region still reigns supreme. While Keefenation is an up and coming program dominating the local airwaves, it has yet to truly gain the status of "Now."

Vest - 4
Franny - 5

The Vest is an avid fan of the Revue, which does give extra points in many scenarios, such as this one. A very close match-up, Franny did not quite have the steam to take this contest because his presence has been lacking on the Greater Main Street area.

Steeje - 3
Hambone - 6

While many do see the Steeje as a pretty happening guy, it is hard to touch the streak that Hambone is on right now.

Hambone's Latest Stats:
Flyball : Groundball - 58:1
Boobs Touched Last Semester: 9
Parties Being Thrown This Weekend - 1
Kegs Being Purchased For Said Party - 7
BAC Upon Arrival at Hospital - .38

Cup Size: 36DD

Conor - 7
Dougie - 2

See post below "This Place Have Scorpion Bowl and Taser!" Unless Conor is up to some shit nobody knows about, he is way more now than Dougie. Furthermore, we've seen the women that Dougie gets with. His wife is a foot taller than him and outweighs him by fifty pounds, and the other "friends" he hangs out with at the Buffet aren't any better.

RamRod

General - 16
Notini – 9

While Notini definitely gathered some steam after taking out his fellow muscly-armed roommate Gregoire, he falls flat on his face compared to the recent hot streak of the General. We, at the Pen15 Blog, imagine that the General has screamed at JD Drew and Eric Gagne more in the past week than the rest of New England combined, making him EXTREMELY now.

Rboosk - 4
NHBA - 12

RBoobs is riding a current hot streak with his recent enrollment in the US Army. After much discussion, the Pen15 Club has decided that the NHBA would not have enough balls to prosecute Michael Vick had he been competing in dog fights in the great state of New Hampshire. We need people to keep our streets safe and RBoosk has the upper hand here.

Fridge - 3
Hefe - 11

Due to sheer familiarity, the Fridge is going to take this round. If Hefe invested in some shirts with sleeves or someone took his scissors away, perhaps Fridge could have seen some competition. After an entire summer of vacationing in such locales as Phoenix, Virginia Beach and The Weirs, Fridge has ingested more burritos and fried foods than humanly imaginable, bringing his cholesterol level to heights even Manute Bol couldn't fathom. Keeping the caloric intake > 1000 per sitdown is impressive for someone at the slight age of 24.

Brownie - 10
Dom – 2

The DomN8R has been extremely now this summer. Brownie, not so much. Dom hosted possibly the greatest graduation party known to man (at which the Revue performed.) Side Note: K-Rock attempted "Magic Man" by Heart that evening and gave up 2 minutes in. Weak Sauce. While Brownie has been conspicuous by his absence, Dom has been around for all your chubby man needs, supplying grilled meats, keg beer and insurance policies for your Ford Explorer and Ford Fusion.

Things I've Learned Driving My Grandmother To Bingo

For the first time in over a decade, I am without summer employment. In light of this, I have let my family know that if there is anything they would like me to do around the house, whether it is cooking, cleaning, or any other household chore, it would be done no questions asked. My mother, being the clever person she is, has given me the charge of taking my grandmother to bingo twice a week every week. Here are some of the things she has taught to me during the twenty minute drive to bingo:

Things were a lot different “back then”

You ever hear an old person talk about “back then?” They are referring to a time when homosexual were probably tied up in basements until they starved the gay out of them. They are also referring to a time where my grandmother’s cigarettes, her beloved Marlboro Light 100’s were not taxed heavily and it was socially acceptable for her to blow smoke in an infants face if she felt like it. Now it seems, she has a real problem with standing outside to smoke a cigarette when she goes out “due to the osteo” as she puts it, referring to her increasingly brittle bones.

The Town of Randolph, Massachusetts was a great town until “coloreds” moved in.

I’m not saying for one second that I believe a word of this, but Nana is steadfast in her belief that Randolph, Massachusetts was a cultural and intellectual Mecca before “the element” as she calls them came to town. She also told me three times in a ten minute car ride that prior to the seventies, Randolph had the best high school in the state; something I’m sure she is very proud of despite lack of evidence. Now, you must understand that when my grandmother refers to “coloreds” she is not referring to black people, or any one specific group at all, just people who don’t look like her. I was quick to point out that her own parents came to this country on the same boat as everybody else from Ireland and Austria. She, however, was not receptive to this point and quickly changed the subject asking me if I remembered to put her Wheel of Fortune bag with her “dobbers” in it in the car.

Miracle Whip Sucks

My grandmother claims that she makes the best potato salad (pronounced "puh-day-duh") in the entire known universe. However, in making her puhdayduh salad, she has found that if she is to use Miracle Whip instead of straight mayonnaise, there is a profound difference in taste and texture. Evelyn is so cross with the Miracle Whip people for screwing up her trademark potato salad that she told me "I'd never buy it again, even if it was on sale." You have to understand that this is a woman who would buy plutonium if it was on sale. She would buy cancer and attempt to use it for something if it were only on sale or there was a coupon for it. So, her saying she wouldn't buy Miracle Whip "even if it was on sale" is earth-shattering. Evelyn has more fun with sale items and coupons than the autistic kid across the street has with his sprinkler.

World War II Was a Pain in the Ass For Everybody, Not Just Soldiers.

Many young men sacrificed their lives in this war. My own grandfather sustained injuries and received a Purple Heart for serving his country. My grandmother, wife to aforementioned grandfather, just saw it as a complete inconvenience to her. Her husband was gone, and she had to join the Coast Guard and work a reception desk for a couple of years while he was gone just to pay the bills. Naturally, I felt for her and apologized for everybody at that time for making her answer phones.

My Father Is an Asshole

This has proven to be the main focus of our conversations. About three years ago, my grandmother came to live with my parents and sister. A new apartment was built in our basement to house her, and people generally go out of their way for her when she needs something. Bear in mind, this is a lady who refuses to drive at night (because of the cataracts), Will call me on the phone to bring her a soda when I’m a flight of stairs above her (again, because of the osteo), and has told me more than once to move my car in the driveway from “her spot.” Still, I do my best to be nice to her and take care of things when I have to. Still, the one person in the house who is unflinchingly rigid in his dealings with my grandmother is my father. I know that there is a cliché in this society where men all hate their mother-in-law, and if you don’t believe that is true, come to the Davey house for dinner one night. It’s amazing. I have never seen one person complain so much about the other one and neither of them really speaks to each other. I only wish any of you can be in the room when my grandmother refers to my family as “you people” and my father as “him” when he is standing five feet from her.

“I Don’t Have To Be Nice To Anybody”

All of the things I mentioned above culminate with this quote directly from Evelyn, my grandmother. On a recent three-hour shopping trip, my grandmother badgered every single employee of Shaws, haggling over prices and disputing the validity of coupons. Pushing the cart behind her, I found myself apologizing to everybody as we passed them. Seriously, the fifteen year-old girl behind the deli counter is probably going to need counseling after the tirade Nana went on after her cold cut party platter was not ready at the specified time. Still, I felt it was my job to do damage control. As I mouthed “I’m so sorry” to the girl, my grandmother whipped around and said “Don’t apologize to her.” I inquired as to why she felt the need to be a complete C to this girl and she said with the utmost severity in her voice: “I’m old. I don’t have to be nice to anybody. People should do what I want.” Needless to say, I peed in my pants a little, put my head down and pushed the cart.

As I get older, I hope that I’m more and more like Evelyn, a woman who can say and do whatever she wants to whoever she wants without fear of repercussion. I hope that one day I can yell at young people, refer to my own family as “you people” and hate everything on the planet except bingo and the Game Show Network. My real goal in life is now not to make millions of dollars or to win the Nobel Prize. Instead, I’ve learned from Nana that there are far greater things in this world for an “angry elf” such as myself. I hope to one day be just ill-tempered enough that people will ignore me, even the hot orderly at the nursing home who I will assuredly feel-up at every chance I get. So raise your glass of prune juice and toast big. Here’s to getting old and hating everything about everyone.

Drink Ensure,

R Von D

The Top Five Kenny Loggins Moments In Cinematic History

# 5

“Nobody’s Fool” – Caddyshack 2

Why did this one make the list you ask? The acting sucked, Dan Aykroid sucked, Jackie Mason sucked, Jonathan Silverman has never done anything good outside of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Chevy Chase probably just needed the money, and for all intents and purposes this movie should have never been made. Still, the song has a great synthesizer part to it, which Loggins himself plays on a keytar, and I needed to round out the five without even mentioning the movies “Top Gun” and “Footloose.” That, however, will be discussed later.

#4

“I’m Alright” – Caddyshack

It is almost a given that this song would be in the top five. As far as movie soundtracks go, this is the song that put Kenny Loggins on the map (A fact that is both praiseworthy and damning at the same time because it’s the one that everybody knows). Also, I believe that the opening credits of this movie in which you go from the “Orion” movie title and the ethereal whimperings of Mr. Loggins, to the funk slap-bass immediately after, and then climaxing with the maraca in-time with the sprinkler head in the movie MAY VERY WELL BE the greatest bit of film editing done this century and should have one an Oscar.

#3

“Meet Me Halfway” – Over the Top

Here, Kenny Loggins provides a touching father-son moment in this ballad. In the Stallone epic “Over the Top”, Stallone’s truck-driving character Link Hawk is reunited with his estranged son who is in the custody of his well-to-do father-in-law. Hawk then kidnaps his son, teaches him how to drive, and has several touching moments with a kid he pretty much has never seen. All of this in a movie about arm-wrestling. Seriously, how good of a writer do you have to be in order to pen an entire movie script about arm wrestling? Furthermore, how the CHRIST do you come up with a sappy ballad to accompany such a movie and make it even better? Bravo, Mr. Loggins, bravo.

#2

“Danny’s Song” - Wet Hot American Summer

While this song is on the soundtrack to Wet Hot American Summer, it was not sung by Loggins himself in the movie. When Victor Pulak (played by the ever-dashing Ken Marino of The State and “Louie” fame) leaves a van full of campers and another counselor behind to have sex for the first time, he helps quicken his ride by singing this Loggins and Messina classic until he is interrupted by crashing the van head-on into a tree. Priceless. What’s better is the subsequent chase scene that had me in stitches and I actually had to replay about four times, but I would argue that the whole catalyst for this scene is “Danny’s Song.” Without that song and the “OH FUCK!” that follows, the scene wouldn’t hold any water.

#1

“Mr. Night” – Caddyshack

Before I ever saw the pool scene in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” (which featured the song “Never Surrender” WRITTEN by Kenny Loggins on the soundtrack), there was the unparalleled Caddyshack pool scene in which the Caddies are allowed to swim in Bushwood Country Club’s pool for fifteen minutes (1:00-1:15) on “Caddy Day.” If I were to be so bold here, I will say that this is the first time in my life that I saw exposed breasts in film, a moment which I hold dear to my own heart. There are so many things that are good about this scene that I’m having a hard time sitting still writing this. There is nudity, swearing, hot girls doing swan dives, fighting, crotchety old women, fat guys sucking in their stomachs when a hot chick walks by, and finally what is thought to be a “doodie” in the pool. All of this set to probably one of the greatest Kenny Loggins songs ever. Furthermore, this scene was so good that the people at Family Guy even parodied its’ greatness. You know that if Seth McFarlane takes notice of you, you really did something supremely noteworthy.

Now, before you all fly off the handle and cry about “Top Gun” and “Footloose” here are some things you should consider. “Footloose” is an absolute joke of a movie. I remember seeing it for the first time and thinking “my God, this is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen. What kid gets mad at a preacher then goes to an abandoned barn to dance his sadness away and slam his fists on the hood of his Beetle?” Oh yeah, I thought all of this and I was five. So how could grown people find it to be a cool way to rid one’s self of some teenaged angst? Then there’s Top Gun. In my eyes, there are two groups of people who find this movie watchable: sexually confused frat-boys and girls. The first group thinks the movie is “bad ass” and they try their best to convince you that the volleyball scene (featuring “Playin’ With the Boys” by Kenny Loggins) is not gay at all. Keep telling yourselves that, now try to explain the near-kiss between Maverick and Iceman, douche. Girls, on the other hand think Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are sexy. If you try to convince me that this is a good movie, I’ll kill your life. Also of note, the song “Danger Zone” is not all that lame, but has the LAMEST, MOST HOMOEROTIC video I have ever seen, and shall never be spoken of again.

Peace in yo crease,

R Von D