The RVonD Guide to Gym Etiquitte

Being the pinnacle of male fitness, it is my duty to go to whatever gym is nearby me and show you peasants how to properly go about your business at the gym. Having been a professional man of fitness for over twenty years, I feel that my mere presence at your fitness facility would benefit you and everybody around you. Since I have not YET perfected the ability to be everywhere at once, I figured I might as well share my knowledge with the common people. As this is the case, here are some tips from the world's sexiest and most virile specimen:

GET OFF THE F*CKING PHONE:
In all honesty, if you are at a gym at 11:15 am chances are you are not that important at your place of business, if such a place does exist for you. I'm sure that your husband/wife will get along nicely without having to ask you what brand of orange juice you want from the store or what you want for dinner that night. Also, when not in use, having a cellular telephone clipped to your waistline looks horrible in every day situations, I would go so far as to say it looks just as bad as a fanny pack. Therefore, having said phone on your hip while trying to lift weights looks exponentially more ridiculous. Furthermore, having a phone glued to your ear whilst working out tells me one of two things if not both. For starters, you're a douchebag and should be euthanized. Secondly, you're not trying to get anything accomplished at the gym. If you're there trying to get back in shape and better yourself, it's going to take some kind of effort, getting on an eliptical at a snail's pace for five minutes while you talk to your social worker isn't gonna make the love handles go away.

DO WORK, SON:
On that note, you are there to do some sort of physical activity whether it's lifting weights, doing some cardio, or maybe hitting a heavy bag or some yoga. Nothing pisses me off more than to watch people roam around the gym, sit at a machine for a second, fiddle with the weights, then get up and move to the next machine or station. This may seem kind of ironic; you might be thinking that if I was really on my game like I'm preaching we all should be here, I wouldn't notice this behavior. Well as it turns out, these are the people who get in my way at the gym. These are the people who make it difficult for me to keep the insane pace I have grown accustomed to. I'm not human and therefore do not do human workouts, please remove your person from my presence.

IF YOU CAME ALONE, DON'T TALK TO ANYBODY:
As stated in previous writings, I have made it my business to seek out and shame every d-bag I have ever come across. It seems as though the gym is a breeding ground for scummy behavior. The gym is not a place of socialization. I’m of the belief that if you came to the gym alone; get in, get huge, get out. Of course that is not to say you should not say hi to people that you know, but make it brief. Most of the people at the gym have a tight schedule and things they need to get done; talking to you is not one of them. On that note, the gym is an awful place to meet women if you’re a guy, so do yourself a favor and spare yourself the embarrassment of trying to tell a girl she’s hot at the gym. There is absolutely no way to do this and not look like a complete pene. I ask you, what girl wants to give out her number when she’s all sweaty and haggard looking after a workout? Smarten up.

THE WEIGHTS VARY IN SIZE FOR A REASON:

Don’t lift weights that are clearly too heavy for you and then bother somebody else for a “spot.” Everybody knows that if you weigh 165 pounds you shouldn’t be throwing 85-pound dumbbells over your head. When I worked as a mover one summer, the lifers used to tell us, “don’t lift hard, lift smart.” Bear in mind that this sound logic was provided by some of the most degenerate pieces of S you have ever seen; people with literally three teeth and cysts all over their face. If they can understand this basic principle, so should you, show-off. And take it from me, that little bulge right above your pubic region, that’s your intestines coming through a small rip in your intestinal wall known to the common man as a hernia. Get it checked out.

NOTES ON ATTIRE:

A lot of people in the Granite State like to pull out their jeans whenever they can. One of my favorite places to see a pair of tapered, ill-fitting jeans is at any of New Hampshire’s fine ski resorts along with a very unclean Starter jacket. However, the gym is no such place for jeans. Wear something athletic; look like you know what you’re doing even though you clearly do not. Also, I don’t know if anybody sent you the memo, but they make socks now that don’t cover your calves. Invest. You have no excuse since they sell them at Walmart. Even the trashy people who go to Walmart after church on Sundays can pick up a twelver of those things. Footwear is also important. A kid I knew in high school dropped a forty-five pound weight on his big toe and almost lost it. If you wear sandals at the gym I hope the same thing happens to you. And as for you ladies, the gym is not like Halloween, it is not an excuse for you to look like a whore. Cover it up, do your business, and don’t stare daggers at guys for staring at you when your funbags are all over the place and your “shorts” are crammed up your ass. Also, at this point the Fridge would also like me to let the ladies of fitness out there know that he does not appreciate “gooch sweat.” Here are the Fridge's own words:

"There's nothing worse than walking into the weight room and seeing a lagoon creature with a pond of sweat hanging from her gooch. Buy a sweatshirt. Tie around waist. Repeat."

I’ll take it a step further and say that Gold Bond Triple Medicated Powder works just as well for women as it does men. Get a palm-full, gently pat, enjoy the cool sensation and then go out and rip.

With Manliness,

RVonD

Appendix to "Gym Etiquette" By K-Rock

While my associate above states that the gym is the worst place for a guy to pick up a chick, I have some differing views. I simply do not care, so if you are a chick and for some reason you show up to the gym drunk or something causing you to find me attractive, please come tell me so because I am desperate.

Also, to all you fuckin stunods with a fake tan, we all know that when you are pulling up your shirt to "wipe the sweat off your face" you are actually checking yourself out in the mirror. I wish your mothers were dating Rae Carruth while they were pregnant with you.

- K-Rock -