The Top 5 Glorious Reasons I’m Still Single: By R Von D

Throughout this summer, I have told people that my summer will consist of “no booze, no women.” While I have not had the willpower to stick to the former, the latter has been a breeze for me. At first, I used the “no chicks summer” as a reason for me not even trying. To be honest, my confidence was shot at the end of the school year and I was bummed about getting older. As the summer progressed though, I found myself embracing my “singleness” even to the point of being offensive in appearance and attitude. Thus, I have sat down with the Fridge to weed out the reasons I am still single.

I have shaved my face once this entire summer.

I started growing a beard at the beginning of the summer because I thought all the fat in my body resided in my lower jaw, and so having a beard was a wonderful way to cover that up. On top of that, I wanted to look grizzled so nobody would give me shit. If you saw me in a bar, you think “shit, there’s a guy who can pound booze and kick the balls right out of my pants.” I have yet to get in a fight this summer and I feel that my ragged facial hair has a lot to do with this fact. Furthermore, looking like I do will assuredly not get you any women, I don’t think they like the “I don’t take care of myself” look. Oh well, I dig it. Wamp, wamp (what it do).

I can beat “Guitar Hero II” on Expert

While this doesn’t sound like a feat that would keep me single, I defy you to actually put in the time to make this happen. People go on and on about Free Bird at the end of the game, but that song was almost an anti-climax. Think of it this way, in the 1980 Winter Olympics, the United States Hockey team defeated Finland in the Gold Medal game, not Russia. Still, the game against Russia with Mike Eruzione scoring the goal at the end of the game just put the US in position to win the gold. Similarly, I had a harder time beating the Dick Dale masterpiece “Miserlou” than I did “Free Bird”…I actually beat Free Bird on the first attempt. I actually broke a sweat playing Misirlou, how about that. What does this have to do with me being single? How about spending every ounce of free time devoted to a video game? When was the last time you were that passionate about anything? And you call me a dork? What makes me more awesome is that game actually made me a better ACTUAL guitar player, so some good did come from it. You just wasted 80+ dollars on a date with some girl who just thinks you’re “really nice and funny”…I win.

Any time not playing “Guitar Hero” was spent focusing on my career as a Karaoke Superstar

If you have yet to hear the Revue in action, I suggest you figure out where we are appearing and make it your business to be there. We recently had to send out disclaimers warning women to bring an extra set of unders to our performances as we tend to ruin said garments with our unmatched virility. If you have any doubt about this, come watch me and the Fridge burn the house down with “Rebel Yell” or “Hey Jude.” You might find yourself having the greatest obituary ever reading something about how you passed away due to your brain being blown out of the back of your skull because you experienced something so awesome that your mind simply could not process it. Now, you may think that something so awesome would assuredly land me some female attention, but there are two issues. Firstly, I’m an artist who is in it for the art, not the residual benefits therein. Secondly, girls cool enough to hang with the Revue don’t typically hang out in the places we perform, which makes it difficult to impress anybody except for other karaoke giants like Mr. Martini and the fat girl who always sings “Black Velvet”.

I make fun of women

As our resident “C” will tell you, my language and demeanor towards the fairer sex leaves a lot to be desired. Over the past year or so, I have become so disillusioned with the thought of women that I have become somewhat mean. Please, if you are female and are reading this, please take this as a formal apology to any mean thing I have said to you lately. I said it out of anger and it had nothing to do with you. Except for “the C”…she deserves everything she gets, including my “foul smelling ‘foofs’” as she wrote in her first entry. Also, I am troubled to hear girls talk about how they only “go for the assholes” and yet I remain unapproachable in the dating apartment. I’m the biggest asshole you know, so what’s the deal. My own ex-girlfriend commented on this webpage exclaiming, “Wow, you really are a dick, huh?” God only knows why she stayed with me as long as she did...poor thing. To quote one of the greatest men of our generation:

“I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel towel out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science." –Ron Burgundy

I used my parents’ timeshare for a “mancation”

While many others would use the peaceful surroundings of Weirs Beach as a romantic getaway, I used my time there hanging out with Fridge, Wang, and Big Ron. Now, this is a sound move in both recreational and financial arenas. First of all, my dinners were not that of romance and candle light, but rather spent eating hot dogs, ribs, and assorted meats while drinking nothing but beer and listening to REALLY offensive metal music complete with solos way up on the meedly-meedlies. If that doesn’t sound like your type of extended weekend you can go to hell. In terms of recreation, we went out to dive bars, sang some karaoke, and played a good amount of mini-golf. Again, this was the most fun I have had in a while, and if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea then you’re not invited next year, male or female. That shit’s just a good old-fashioned American weekend, communist.

I will note though, that our own Dana Complaina made the trip up for one night, but instead of putting the moves on her, I called her names and let her hang out with Barnacle Bill while I danced at Club OG by myself and drank cheap booze.

This concludes the list of why I’m still sans-girlfriend and I have never been more proud of myself. As the sun sets on the greatest summer of my life, I am reminded of all the good times. Eating hot dogs with Big Ron, kicking out the jams with my main squeeze The Fridge, and playing an inordinate of video games. Next week I will return to my post in rural Connecticut for a few months of solitude save for 300 or so young men who give me a hard time. And at the very least, I did all of this over the course of the summer and I had nobody to give me shit, which of course, is the best part of being a single, swingin’ cat. Nobody gives me shit.

Still doin’ the “Stray Cat Strut”

R Von D