I Could Totally Take A Kangaroo

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I was sitting with my friends Jason and Sarah the other night. We were watching a program about shark attacks on the Discovery Channel as part of their “Shark Week” thing they have running this week. We were sitting, having a few cocktails and few laughs and not really paying attention to what was on the screen. Then however, a shark expert started speaking about how to react when a shark bites you. In my head, I kept running the scenario over and over in my head, and naturally my conclusion was that my plan of attack would depend on what part of me the shark was biting. If the shark got my arm, I’d probably kick the shit out of it. If it got my leg, I’d sink one of my hands into its gill and just yank on it until it let me go. I like to think that I would be completely aware of what my actions were in a moment of panic like that. I like to think I have ice-water in my veins, but in reality I was to sleep in the dark until I was twelve. Still, I believe that in a moment of panic, I’d be collected enough to go for a swift kick or a gill-yank. The guy on TV then said that the best way to stop a shark attack is to punch it in the eye. Punch it in the eye? I couldn’t even stop my brother, Peeje the Steeje, with a punch in the eye, how the hell would it stop a goddamn great white shark? How is nature’s most perfect predator susceptible to noting but an eye-poke? Is Moe from the Three Stooges the greatest shark hunter in the world by default then? As I sat there in disbelief, I began thinking about what other “great predators” are just a bunch of pussies. This got me thinking… I turned to Jason and Sarah and asked probably the greatest debate-starting question ever asked to a room full of teachers: “What is the biggest animal you could legitimately kick the shit out of?”

Both Sarah and Jason eat organic food, drink wine, and are generally peaceful people, so the mere mention of beating up animals seemed ridiculously absurd to them, but I could see the gears grinding. Sarah immediately said that she could MAYBE work a house cat if pressed, but nothing bigger because her weight class tops out at a medium-sized dog. Jason admitted the he could take a dog if he needed to, but was reluctant to go any farther than that. I sat up out of my slouched position on the couch, and said with the utmost certainty that the biggest animal I could take would be a kangaroo. I believe IN MY HEART that I could put the screws to a kangaroo if push came to shove. I went so far as to tell them that I could FUCK UP a kangaroo, a claim which I later redacted.

If you really think about it, beating the bag out of a kangaroo is broken down into two factors; preparation and probability. For the first point, I broke it down like this. I have three years of Gracie Jiu Jitsu, two years of Muy Thai, and a recreational knack for the Brazilian art of Capoeira (I played a lot of Tekken in high school. Eddy Gordo was my favorite) under my belt. That alone puts me at a slight advantage to everybody who “steps to this.” Furthermore, I’m a human being with superior intellect and a temper shorter than Gary Coleman. Let’s be real here, this kangaroo isn’t going to out-think me. What’s better is he would sense automatically that I had his number and, if he were smart, he’d piss himself and roll over.

Secondly probability is on my side. Let me break it down like this: You and I are playing rock, paper, scissors. You know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will throw “rock” first in a best-of-three match every single time. How good of a chance do you think you have at winning the rest of the match? You only have to win one more, and I have to win two in a row. Your chances of winning are exponentially better than mine. By this simple logic, I can defeat a kangaroo in a fist fight. How? Simple. I know that the kangaroo’s first move is to kick me, so if I know this kick is coming, bypassing it and going in for a submission shouldn’t be a problem. Simple, end of kangaroo, end of story.

So with that being the case, I open this up for debate. What is the biggest animal you can take? And be honest. Also, feel free to say my reasoning is bullshit. I know if a kangaroo kicks me it’s going to hurt. I know that I’m not going to walk away from that animal unscathed. I’m going to take my share of shots, but I know in my heart that I’m the one who walks out of Thunder Dome at the end of that fight. So leave your comments and let everybody know where you stand on this topic. Kangaroos ain’t shit.

With Dukes Up,

R Von D