The Definitive Guide to Metal Album Covers

Since I was a kid listening to the Ozzy Osbourne tape "Bark at the Moon" that my brother stole from a flea market, metal music has always been a part of my life. Now, while most of the people reading this will scoff at this type of music, I will contend that while this type of music is not for everybody, it is certainly for the awesome. Metal music is for brawny, hairy, and foul-smelling men who don't care what you think. My type of music is for people who would rather drink Kenny Chesney's urine than listen to his music. I hate country music and most anything played in heavy rotation on 94.5 out of Boston (possible exceptions are "A Bay Bay" and the like). To me, heavy metal music is not only appealing to listen to, but in order to be true metal, the aesthetic level has to go much deeper than pounding licks and fierce drums. There has to be a visual component to the music as well. Now, seeing as how most musicians in this genre are uglier than most burn victims, the real visual pleasure is in their album art. Here are some examples.


Yngwie Malmsteen - "Trilogy"

Anybody who has listened to Malmsteen's music will tell you that this cat can wail on a guitar. What he is trying to tell you in this cover is that he wails so hard, in fact, that he can produce a flame thrower from his guitar large enough to take out a three-headed dragon (Three heads...trilogy...get it?) all while striking a seemingly incredibly uncomfortable pose atop a majestic mountain in the clouds. Do you believe him? I sure do. Now, if you have ever seen Yngwie in person, you'd know that he couldn't beat an infant in a fist fight, yet the power of rock has made him seemingly invincible. Oh yeah, nice heels Mr. Malmsteen.




Ozzy Osbourne - "The Ultimate Sin"

Many of you might not know this, but before Ozzy Osbourne was shown on TV drooling on himself and coloring he was actually pretty b'dass. Album covers like "Blizzard of Oz" and the aforementioned "Bark at the Moon" prove this. However, none of the album covers produced by "the Prince of Darkness" are quite as hard as "The Ultimate Sin." Here, Ozzy depicts himself as a dragon, but with his own head, which is pretty boss. Also, there is fire, a volcano, and a woman in tight animal print pants, stilettos, and a puffy pirate shirt commanding Ozzy to do her bidding. If that doesn't set a tone I don't know what does. Bonus points for that chick more than likely hailing from Revere, Mass.



Dragonforce - "Valley of the Damned"

I wanted to point out this album not only for its' awesomeness, but more for the fact that this album was released in 2003. It does my heart good to see bands like Dragonforce and Mastadon doing their part to keep album artwork alive. With the digital music era being what it is, I'm sure it's easy for bands or artists to just slap a picture of themselves on their album and call it a day. Not Dragonforce. It makes my heart leap to see this here. Not only do they go away from the norm by incorporating ice instead of fire, but you gotta hand it to them for throwing a large-chested she-wizard on the cover flanked by two majestic steeds. Why is she wearing so little clothing in frigid temperatures? Doesn't matter, it rocks.



Molly Hatchet - "Take No Prisoners"

Now, while technically not a metal band to most, Molly Hatchet definitely turned out some nice album covers. The band's "Take No Prisoners" is a Boris Vallejo wet dream. I strongly suggest you check out the works of Boris Vallejo if you don't know who I'm talking about. You'll thank me later. Now, before there was emo musicians whining and writing in journals, we had men like these depicted on album covers. From the majestic poses, to capes blowing in the wind, to the "I don't give a shit" pose of the guy on the far right with his arms crossed and foot up on the dragon, you knew these guys meant business. Also, this album incorporates one of my favorite themes of metal art: weapons. Any time you see people with ridiculous looking weaponry for no reson, you've got yourself a good album cover. I also like the fact that they're all wearing loincloths. Nothing says "metal" more than a good bulge. Just ask the dudes from Spinal Tap (greatest movie ever).


WHAT NOT TO DO:

Pantera - "Metal Magic"

No, there is no mistake here, this is the same Pantera as you remember. The first two album covers from Pantera were unspeakably bad, but I just chose this one to prove the point. Quick story; I saw Pantera live once and the lead singer Phil Anselmo bashed his own head with the microphone until he was bleeding and the microphone was dented, and the entire band was drinking straight Wild Turkey from full solo cups throughout the show. So, is there any excuse for a cover this bad? No. They should have known better. Also, what is the deal with the cat's sword. There's nothing magical about that aside from how awful it is. The clouds are pink, the cat-thing is wearing a belt despite not wearing pants, and he's making the "I love you" sign with is off hand. It's a good thing* Dimebag Darrell got shot by a fan because if he'd have seen this album cover now, he would have died of shame.


Well, I hope you all learned something from this. And if not, then please go back to listening to "country songs" about fruity drinks and vacations with Jimmy Buffet. Either that, or go listen to your techno while you gel your hair up before you go fake tanning, stupid guido.


With meedly-meedlies and squeedly-deedlies,
Baron Von D


*I am not happy Dimebag Darrell died, it was a tragedy and he was one of my favorite guitarists ever, I was just proving a point. Lighten up.