Week's 3 and 4: Back in the saddle

It's working.

Over the past couple of weeks I've seen distinct changes in my face. And when I say "distinct changes" I mean more prominent features. Who would have thought I was capable of having a jaw line made out of bone instead of a fleshy turkey-neck-type deal.

One thing I've taken to doing to make this go a lot better is I stopped preparing breakfast, so to speak. I figured the most important part of the process of breakfast was egg whites. I typically have a small cup of coffee with breakfast, which has helped me along as a chaser as I down two huge gobs of egg whites straight from the carton. All the protein without having to deal with something that has the smell and texture of hardened cat vomit (my personal approximation, cannot be confirmed).

So Saturday (my normal cheat day), after swallowing a good portion of egg whites, I took to the stars, consuming nearly 4,000 calories before noon with a trip to Dunkin Donuts and Burger King before my 1 o'clock hockey game. I was rolling. Bloated, nearly sick, but rolling. I'd be interested to learn about the endorphins released when I consume food I crave. Seriously why does it take shitty food to make me feel that good? Anyway, from there I had a dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. There I had ribs, pork loin, mashed potatoes, three glasses of wine, a beer, and then to top it off, some baked Alaskan. For a night cap, I had three beers, three jack and gingers, and some good conversation. Now for the best part:

While I was hanging out with some friends, I felt the need to go into the bathroom and check the damage of the day. I got weighed in on Tuesday, and much to my surprise, I weighed in at 224 lbs. Stupidly, I did not weigh myself in at the start of this diet, but my best approximation was that I had shed anywhere from 8-12 pounds. So after a day of consuming endless amounts of calories, I stepped on the scale, fully clothed except for shoes, took a deep breath, and looked down.

218.

I drunkenly burst from the bathroom demanding to know whether the scale in the bathroom was accurate. I was unconvincingly assured that the scale was accurate. So, even after a day of binging, I am still losing weight. To date, were are somewhere between 14-20 lbs in only four weeks work. I'm well on my way to being under 200 lbs by summer.

Bad news, I woke up today hungover but whatever. Nothing a burrito bowl couldn't fix. Until next time, hos.

Egg whites and black beans,
RVonD

4-Hour Body Week 2

For whatever reason this week I am full of piss and vinegar. I think there is some sort of hump that I need to get over for my body to get used to what I'm putting in it. I think it's like "fat kid DTs" or something.

I did experience some mild headaches in the beginning of the week (Sunday into Monday) but I think it was from a lack of water. I severely cut back on my almost two gallon a day habit and just need to get in the routine of having water on me at all times. Although, teaching an hour and a half lesson on gerunds and gerundives with a bladder the size of a canteloupe isn't nearly as fun as you'd think.

I did, however, receive an inspiring email from a dear friend and one of my biggest critics.

I've been following your blog as of late, congrats on sticking with the diet so far. Regarding Egg Whites, you will learn to love them, as you should anything that goes by the name All Whites.

In my days of self hate, I found that salsa (or anything spicy) was the best flavor additive, specifically corn and black bean. Give it a go.

Luckily for my main man here, I have been adding some organic salsa with very little sugar to these putrid fucking things. My wife almost gagged when I pulled a container of microwaved egg whites out and started eating it as fast as I could. The salsa helps, along with the added Brocolli florets for at least SOMETHING with some crunch to it instead of things that have the consistency of snot.

But as always, my humble reader, we endeavor to persevere, and I assure you that by beach season, RVonD 2.0 will be unleashed onto the world. My wife has already started studying up on Fillipino knife-weilding classes, so stay away from me bitches. I'm a one-horse kind of cowboy.

CHEAT DAY! A Running blog of binge eating

I made it, week and a half of all protein, all vegetables, nothing bad for me, and I finally get rewarded today. Just to give you a running blog, I will tell you all of the things I am eating, creeping ever closer to nausea.

7:30 AM - Wake up, two glasses of ice water on empty stomach.

8:10 AM - Vega Green meal replacement shake (30g Protein, enough vitamins to choke a goat)*

[Proctored SSATs - Drank half gallon of water]

12:30 PM- Glass of grapefruit juice, spoonful of all-natural peanut butter

12:45 PM- Three "Buck Doubles" from Burger King

1:45 PM - Glass of monkey-picked oolong tea, spoonful of peanut butter, followed by forty "air squats" in the kitchen while my wife entertained her mother and sisters.

2:45 - Garlic parmesan fries, mozzarella and pepperoni pizza, diet coke

4:00 - Nap

5:14 - Poo

7:00 - Get the word I am going out tonight, decide it best to stay away from large quantities of food and decide to drink my dinner, since it is the only day that I can.

9:00-1:45 - Six beers consumed of varying flavors.

2:00 - Bed.

Calorie count: Buck Doubles = 410 calories x 3 = 1230 calories
Pizza with pepperoni = 290 calories per slice x4 = 1160 calories
One pound of French fries = 400 calories (based on estimate) = 400 calories
Peanut butter = 94 calories per tbsp x 2 = 188 Calories
Beer = Miller Lite = 96 x 4 / Winter Lager = 190 x 2 = 764 calories

All for a grand total of 3,742 calories.

Not the grand total I wanted, but needless to say I was quite engorged by the time I was done. I plan on taking more in next Saturday when I hit up some more fast food establishments.

Week 1 Almost In the Can, Bitch!

I did it.

This Four Hour Body diet is now officially the longest diet I've stuck to in my entire life. Five days. I seriously feel like a drug addict who finally got through the DTs. How you like me now? I got another interesting tidbit for you readers out there too: Guess who else got on board with me...Mr. Fridgerino himself. Apparently he started breathing a little heavy in his soon-to-be-wife's face during sleepy time and scared her. So I'm trying to get him to tag team this bitch with me.

So, my week consisted these highlights:

Egg Whites - Seriously, are egg whites made from cat vomit? How bad can one thing taste? I've tried mixing this shit with everything and all the time I get the taste of concentrated shit. I know they are good for me, I know it is necessary to consume endless amounts of protein, but what the fuck? Can we find something better than this?

MEAT! - Love it. I can't eat enough beef and chicken over here. I feel like a caveman most days, but what I'm finding is the more protein I have coursing through my body, the more aware of my surroundings. Now I know why some animals eat this exclusively, I'm getting down to my base self here and love the primal nature.

Cold Showers - While I've done this before in order to stave off sexual desire, I now use this to ramp up my fat loss and I can't get enough of it. It's like a fight to the death between my mind and my body for dominance. My body wants to run away, my mind wants to stick it out and take all comers. Try it, you'll love it. Make anything a competition and I'm all for it. Like the white, out-of-shape, and less-talented Michael Jordan.

This Saturday marks my one week and my first ever binge day. I've already made a list of things I am going to eat and I assure you that the closet fat kid in me is going to go absolutely insane. Seriously, what if Betty Ford told alcoholics and heroin addicts that they had one day a week to go shithouse? Most of them would be dead by now. I swear to Christ I might eat a human being if it's available. Just make sure you keep your hands and feet away from my mouth.

FOR YOUR HEALTH!

RVonD

Guess Who's Back, Dipshits!!

Okay, so a lot has happened.

For anybody who has kept up with us over the past year or two, you know some major things have transpired.

Myself, Mr. Von D, have made an honest woman out of my girlfriend, and am now a responsible married man, no longer allowed to eat awful things for money. As for the Fridge, he somehow managed to find a nice young lady to call his own and is getting married in the spring. THose are the two most major changes I can think of.

More than that though, I have had about seven jobs in the past couple of years, but now I'm back doing what I do best; Standing in front of a classroom full of teenagers and making fun of them. This time though, I'm back on familiar turf, so the world is my oyster. Except for one minor detail.

I had an epiphany the other day. A lot of this blog chronicles me and my friends doing stupid things, just being your normal twenty somethings who are just trying to make a buck and not get any more calls from debt collection people. I must note at this point that Fridge has never had this problem, and is the most fiscally responsible person I've ever met. Anyway, the one thing that escaped my grasp was always my physical health.

I used to be an athlete. A pretty good one, actually. Not that anybody who has met me in the past 8 or 9 years would know that, but it's true. And even though this is the case, I feel as though I've made excuse after excuse to "let myself go." Even getting married wasn't really enough to get myself back into shape. Even with the help of the best trainer New England had to offer, I still had one obstacle I couldn't get over, my diet.

I tried different workouts, different fad diets, all the things I could in order to get my ass in gear, but you know one thing about getting advice is that nobody takes it. Ever. I needed something that made sense.

Enter Timothy Ferriss.

Too keep this brief, I'll just tell you that what Ferriss offered me was something that made sense to me. I needed to get out of the mold of what I had heard before. It's easy to tell somebody to eat healthy, to tell somebody that instead of eating this, you should eat this. Instead of doing this exercise, do this exercise. But what Tim offered me was something that made sense to me. Here are some reasons why.

1) He hates making breakfast.
2) He thinks outside the "calorie in, calorie out" theory that has dominated every fitness magazine.
3) I get one day a week where I can eat whatever the fuck I want and not feel bad about it.

So, here is my attempt to get my shit back together. I've started my "Lose 30 Before 30" campaign as of today, and you get a front row seat, bitches. Six months of no nonsense chronicling of my journey through TIm Ferriss' "Four Hour Body" book. Hopefully I can show you some success this time. Let's roll...

Slainte,

RVonD

Oh yeah, in an effort to give you the TMI factor, I've started my diet today and have already taken three poops. It's not even noon. So there you go.