Unoriginality in the "Film" Industry

A few Friday thoughts before your weekend. It's humid as shit again and my balls have been stuck to my leg for 2 days. Ugh. Lucky for you that isn't the topic of today's discussion.
There are too many Seth Rogen movies. I can't even keep them all straight. I'm the kind of douche who quotes movies (of all genres) every five minutes and annoys the crap out of everyone who hasn't seen the film being referenced.
That said, I can't remember for the life of me in which movie Seth Rogen compares the movies "Armaggedon and Deep Impact." Regardless, that quote got me thinking about how many times two movies have come out within a few months of each other and are basically the exact same thing. Here are a few thoughts on such films.


Dante's Peak and Volcano
1. Dante's Peak - James Bond and Sarah Connor save a small town in a red state from an exploding volcano. I think this and Mike Myers' Studio 54 played together on a double feature at a drive in where a mass suicide took place.
2. Volcano - Tommy Lee Jones saves Los Angeles from an underground volcano by using only his crusty old mind and jersey barriers. Little known fact, this movie was originally about ethnic cleansing and TLJ used the jersey barriers to divert the lava into Compton instead of into the Pacific Ocean. Apparently it didn't do well with test audiences.


National Treasure and Knowing
1. National Treasure - Nicholas Cage has a knack for figuring out secrets of American History through archaeology.
2. Knowing - Nicholas Cage has a knack for figuring out secrets of American History AND the future through mathematics. Rumor has it they filmed these movies at the same time, though neither archaeology nor mathematics can explain Nicholas Cage's haircut.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Jack
1. CC of BB - Brad Pitt ages normally, starts as an old man.
2. Jack - Robin Williams ages extra fast, starts as a young boy.
(I realize these movies came out 15 years apart and really have nothing to do with one another, but something smells fishy here. Something ain't right. Someone ripped off someone. Luckily only one of these films had Robin Williams hairy ass knuckles. Ugh, another Seth Rogen reference. That guy is overexposed more than the Dropkick Murphys.)

Paul Blart and Observe and Report
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - The King of Queens rides a Segway, hijinks ensue.
2. Observe and Report - Old Friend Seth Rogen somehow gets Anna Faris away from stalking your humble author to film a 90 minute film that is the same thing as Paul Blart minus the Segway but plus an "R" Rating.

The Illusionist and The Prestige
1. Illusionist - Fight Club with Magic.
2. Prestige - Batman Begins with Magic.

Push and Jumper
1. Push - The Human Torch from Fantastic Four now has the ability to do the aadooooooken thing from Street Fighter. And someone made a whole movie out of it.
2. Jumper - Anakin Skywalker apparently has the ability to jump from one place on the planet to another whenever he feels like it. I bet RVD wished he could jump from his cubicle to the bathroom immediately and without effort, but unfortunately he can't and unfortunately this led to an "accident" and him having to trash a pair of undies at work. In other news, these two movies were the film equivalent of a pair of soiled underpants.

Any others I missed? Hit the comment section.

Have a sexy weekend,
Fridge Bo Bandy

"The Hangover" - A Duchess Von D Review

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R Von D's Internet Videos of the Week: Vol. 2

Back from vacation, thought I'd break you assholes off somethin' proper.

1. The Best Scenes from "The Wicker Man:"
If you haven't seen this Nicholas Cage box office bomb, here are the best parts. And by "best parts" I mean "unintentionally absolutely goddamn hilarious parts" like Cage punching women and getting a helmet of bees put on his head. Please to enjoy.





2. Midget Wrestler Tossed Into A Sliding Face Plant:
There are very few things in this world that make me happier than a retard with an ice cream cone. Three of these things come together in one glorious internet clip: midgets (or "little people" to be politically correct), professional wrestling, and face plants. Watch how far this little bastard slides across the ring. Don't you just want to pick him up and hug him after that?


Midget Tossed Into A Sliding Faceplant - Watch more free videos


3. The Ipecac Vomit Prank:
Glorious prank I wish I could pull off on one of my friends that doesn't like me all that much (K-Rock comes to mind). I think this kid's reaction is a bit much. I like to think that after the searing pain in my stomach subsided and there was no more stomach fluids for me to flush out, I'd have a good laugh. At least I think, I may kill some people first, guess we'll have to wait and see right?


Ipecac Vomit Prank - Watch more free videos

4. Canadian Reporter Gets Smoked By A Sled Mid-Broadcast:
This happened to me once so I should feel bad right? Wrong. This happened to me when I was fuckin' five and not a grown man broadcasting on live television. Take that, queer.


Reporter Owned By Sled - Watch more free videos

5. A Video From the "Are You Serious?" Files:
Meet Sharon and Fred. They make movies. They're also married and are probably the two creepiest people I have ever seen. The cuts are awful, the dialog is horrible, the animation is worst thing I have ever seen, and I pray to God that these people don't have kids. Oh, and how about mentioning the anniversary at the end of this? What are these two going to tape on their anniversary? Could you imagine Fred piping Sharon with some Loch Ness Monster animation in the background? Yeah, have fun with that image in your head the rest of the day.


Worlds Best Video Production Company - Watch more free videos


Enjoy ya bastids,

R to the D

The Top Five Kenny Loggins Moments In Cinematic History

# 5

“Nobody’s Fool” – Caddyshack 2

Why did this one make the list you ask? The acting sucked, Dan Aykroid sucked, Jackie Mason sucked, Jonathan Silverman has never done anything good outside of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Chevy Chase probably just needed the money, and for all intents and purposes this movie should have never been made. Still, the song has a great synthesizer part to it, which Loggins himself plays on a keytar, and I needed to round out the five without even mentioning the movies “Top Gun” and “Footloose.” That, however, will be discussed later.

#4

“I’m Alright” – Caddyshack

It is almost a given that this song would be in the top five. As far as movie soundtracks go, this is the song that put Kenny Loggins on the map (A fact that is both praiseworthy and damning at the same time because it’s the one that everybody knows). Also, I believe that the opening credits of this movie in which you go from the “Orion” movie title and the ethereal whimperings of Mr. Loggins, to the funk slap-bass immediately after, and then climaxing with the maraca in-time with the sprinkler head in the movie MAY VERY WELL BE the greatest bit of film editing done this century and should have one an Oscar.

#3

“Meet Me Halfway” – Over the Top

Here, Kenny Loggins provides a touching father-son moment in this ballad. In the Stallone epic “Over the Top”, Stallone’s truck-driving character Link Hawk is reunited with his estranged son who is in the custody of his well-to-do father-in-law. Hawk then kidnaps his son, teaches him how to drive, and has several touching moments with a kid he pretty much has never seen. All of this in a movie about arm-wrestling. Seriously, how good of a writer do you have to be in order to pen an entire movie script about arm wrestling? Furthermore, how the CHRIST do you come up with a sappy ballad to accompany such a movie and make it even better? Bravo, Mr. Loggins, bravo.

#2

“Danny’s Song” - Wet Hot American Summer

While this song is on the soundtrack to Wet Hot American Summer, it was not sung by Loggins himself in the movie. When Victor Pulak (played by the ever-dashing Ken Marino of The State and “Louie” fame) leaves a van full of campers and another counselor behind to have sex for the first time, he helps quicken his ride by singing this Loggins and Messina classic until he is interrupted by crashing the van head-on into a tree. Priceless. What’s better is the subsequent chase scene that had me in stitches and I actually had to replay about four times, but I would argue that the whole catalyst for this scene is “Danny’s Song.” Without that song and the “OH FUCK!” that follows, the scene wouldn’t hold any water.

#1

“Mr. Night” – Caddyshack

Before I ever saw the pool scene in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” (which featured the song “Never Surrender” WRITTEN by Kenny Loggins on the soundtrack), there was the unparalleled Caddyshack pool scene in which the Caddies are allowed to swim in Bushwood Country Club’s pool for fifteen minutes (1:00-1:15) on “Caddy Day.” If I were to be so bold here, I will say that this is the first time in my life that I saw exposed breasts in film, a moment which I hold dear to my own heart. There are so many things that are good about this scene that I’m having a hard time sitting still writing this. There is nudity, swearing, hot girls doing swan dives, fighting, crotchety old women, fat guys sucking in their stomachs when a hot chick walks by, and finally what is thought to be a “doodie” in the pool. All of this set to probably one of the greatest Kenny Loggins songs ever. Furthermore, this scene was so good that the people at Family Guy even parodied its’ greatness. You know that if Seth McFarlane takes notice of you, you really did something supremely noteworthy.

Now, before you all fly off the handle and cry about “Top Gun” and “Footloose” here are some things you should consider. “Footloose” is an absolute joke of a movie. I remember seeing it for the first time and thinking “my God, this is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen. What kid gets mad at a preacher then goes to an abandoned barn to dance his sadness away and slam his fists on the hood of his Beetle?” Oh yeah, I thought all of this and I was five. So how could grown people find it to be a cool way to rid one’s self of some teenaged angst? Then there’s Top Gun. In my eyes, there are two groups of people who find this movie watchable: sexually confused frat-boys and girls. The first group thinks the movie is “bad ass” and they try their best to convince you that the volleyball scene (featuring “Playin’ With the Boys” by Kenny Loggins) is not gay at all. Keep telling yourselves that, now try to explain the near-kiss between Maverick and Iceman, douche. Girls, on the other hand think Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are sexy. If you try to convince me that this is a good movie, I’ll kill your life. Also of note, the song “Danger Zone” is not all that lame, but has the LAMEST, MOST HOMOEROTIC video I have ever seen, and shall never be spoken of again.

Peace in yo crease,

R Von D