R Von D's Top 5 Albums In His High School Collection

If you saw my facebook post today, you would have seen that I did some driving today, about 4 hours when said and done, and while I didn't have anybody with me, I just so happened to have my CD case from high school on board. To be honest, I have not had that much fun in a car since...well, don't worry about that. But along the way, I began to think of what I would pick, TODAY, as the best albums in that collection. And here is what I've come up with:


5. "Grace" - Jeff Buckley

High Point: "Last Goodbye," "Lover, You Should Have Come Over," "Grace"

Low Point: "Lilac Wine"

Consensus: This would have been higher on the list, but the "Nirvana Complex" creeped into my head. Would this album be AS GOOD today if Jeff Buckley were still alive? And I came to the consensus that it would be an 8 out of 10. Really good, but not something I would play for my kids. Still, from front to back this is a SOLID album from a truly gifted talent.


4. "Toxicity" - System of a Down

High Point: "Aerials"

Low Point: "Pogo"

Consensus: This came out in my senior year in high school. Admittedly, I didn't really "get" this band until that point. So much so that my roommate in school, Rich, would play the song "Spiders" by SOAD just to annoy me. It wasn't until this album though that I finally got it. With Rick Rubin at the helm, this album is like a goddamn hammer to the face from the very first note in "Prison Song." As for the low point, "Pogo" is just one of those songs where you wish they didn't write it. I'm sure the pogo stick in the song is a metaphor for something, but I never had any interest in finding out what it was. But in the end, the entire album culminates with "Aerials," which I consider to be the bands best song. Think of any fight scene in a Zack Snyder movie: It's incredibly brutal, but the slow motion, then fast, then slow, almost make it something beautiful to watch. That's what this song is like, brutal and beautiful all at the same time. I seriously can't listen to it just once, I always feel like I missed something awesome while listening to something else in the same song. If I ever have the chance to choreograph a fight scene in a movie, it would be set to "Aerials" ...seriously how kick-ass would that be?

3. "S.C.I.E.N.C.E." - Incubus

High Point: "Idiot Box" "Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song)"

Low Point: "The Magic Medicine"

Consensus: Sure, I think "Morning View" is the band's crowning achievement, but A) That came out when I was in college, and B) This was the bands last "hard" album so to speak, which I miss out of them. I would say that the strength of this album comes when the band sticks to it's nature and merely plays that funk/rock thing they have all but forgotten how to do in today's world. Where it falls flat is when they get trapped in the rap/metal bullshit that killed so many other bands. I never really saw them as that type of band, and you shouldn't either. And that's probably a reason they fired DJ Lyfe after this one because who wants children's books dubbed over drum loops? That shit is stupid, and not the good "stoopid" like black people say.

2. "Traveling Without Moving" - Jamiroquai

High Point: "Alright"

Low Point: "Didjerama" "Didjital Vibrations"

Consensus: I damn near wore this album out in my jeep and it still holds up for me today. I can't begin to tell you how happy this album makes me. And, this is a bit of a stretch because it's not ACTUALLY in my actual collection, for it was stolen. BUT, I have the rest of the band's records and this one happens to be my favorite. Forget for a second that "Virtual Insanity" was on this album and it STILL kicks ass. A girl I really should have dated in high school wrote the lyrics to "Alright," knowing I was a huge fan, as a love note to me and I didn't do anything about it...shame on me. The only pitfall of any Jamiroquai album though is that frontman Jay Kay always seems to get a little self-indulgent at times (so much so in fact that bassist Stuart Zender sighted it as a reason he left the band after this album). On this album, it's the two back-to-back didjeridoo solo tracks that really doesn't fit in anywhere. Oh well, skip those and enjoy the funk.

1. "OK Computer" - Radiohead

Low Point: "The Tourist"

High Point: The whole album

Consenus: My parents talk all the time about the first time they heard/saw the Beatles and how crazy it was. I remember vividly the first time I head this Radiohead album. The story goes I was reading a Rolling Stone article where artists picked their favorite albums of the year. And Dave Matthews, of all people, picked this as his favorite album of the year. Sadly, DMB was my favorite group of the time, so I figured if "DAVE!!" liked it, I might give it a shot. I remember getting in the car, putting it on, and really not understanding what I was hearing. My brother made me turn it off and put on Sublime or some nonsense arguing with me that this was not the same band that did "Creep." But at home, I decided I would give it another go, so I put it in my personal CD player with some high-quality headphones. THAT, my dear reader, is when I got it. If you don't have this album, or haven't listened to it in ten years, I recommend that you do so immediately. I'm older and wiser now, and this album is even better than it was when I was 16. Oh, and the only reason "The Tourist" is the low point of the album is because it's the last song.


So that's it. The albums I spent listening to in high school still, for the most part, hold up today which again proves my point that I have better musical taste than 99% of you people. Oh, and if you dare tell me that "Pinkerton" by Weezer should be on this list or any other nonsense like Blink-182, I hate you. People like "Pinkerton" because it's like a little secret Weezer fans pride themselves on knowing about and pop-punk Blink-182, despite having Travis Barker in the band, is for dipshits.

Peacefrogs!

R Von D

RVonD Internet Picks of the Week: Hip-Hop Edition

Without inundating you with too much background information, I'll just say that there isn't anything better in my mind than somebody who tries to rap and simply sucks at it. Here are some clips from around the web.

Boostalk:
The video stinks, but all I wanna know is what kind of shenanigans did he have to pull to get that girl to agree to be in the video:


Eli Porter:
This kid is a legend, absolute gold.


Simply titled "Worst Rap Battle Ever":
AND HOW!! ...and you're gay.


Bangs - "Take You To Da Movies":
This is great, I didn't know one could roll their Rs whilst saying the word "Shorty." Big up, Sudan!


Shane Lee Beatboxing:
I don't see Rahzel or Scratch from the Roots spitting all over themselves this badly. Love it though.

An Actual Email I Received Today

This is awesome. I can't even begin to explain it:

Andrew Munaweera
to me

show details 4:50 PM (4 hours ago)

Sorry us if you not R Von D,


YOUR FRIEND HAS INFORMED US THAT YOU LOVE A NUDISM, THEREFORE WE INVITE TO VISIT OUR SITE.

Check your account please:
http://bofa76.org.uk/video

Seriously, how awesome is that?

Somebody Needs to Die For This:

I fucking hate everybody...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=138481452060

This Is Why Our Society Sucks: Video Evidence

I'll admit, I gave this a chance. There were some good meedlies to kick this one off, but the emo haircuts, v-cut tshirts, skinny jeans, pussy lyrics, and at the 2:45 mark...the real kicker proved to be too much. Watch or skip ahead to find out.



And yes, these idiots are dead serious...
RVonD

I Seriously Can't Stop Watching This...

I've seen a lot of internets, but I swear I absolutely love this for so many reasons and had to share it with you all. Watch it once to see, watch it again for good measure, then try not to laugh your ass off the third time:

An Incomplete List of Shitty Music That Stupid People Like

Throughout my history as an adult human being, I have been labeled a number of things: Dick, asshole, Know-it-all Asshole, Movie Buff, and most notably Music Snob. In my life, I had the honor of being the son of a mid-to-late 70's Disc Jockey, and had a musical upbringing that should be envied by all of you. While you were listening to Raffy, Peter Paul and Mary, and other bullshit I was listening to Chicago, Supertramp, The Allman Brothers, The Police, The Beatles, and Stevie Wonder. So, to say I have a keener ear for good music than most is a phenomenal understatement. Still, on a daily basis I run into retards who think they know what good music should sound like. Here is a list of bands that you should stay away from if you ever want me to take you seriously.


1. RASCAL FLATS / KENNY CHESNEY
Now, if you know anything about me, you'll know that I'm VERY down on most country music. There is some good stuff out there, I'll be the first to admit that, but you will never hear these two "artists" in that category. As for Rascal Flats, I see them as the country equivalent to the Backstreet Boys and the front runners of the "cuntry" craze in this country. Last I checked, real cowboys don't frost their tips and wear affliction shirts OR make millions of dollars singing somebody else's songs. In the same vein, real cowboys don't sing about Pina Coladas, the beach, or flip flops. What happened to just singing about whiskey, guns, punching women in the mouth, and everything else that makes America awesome.

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Lucero, Shooter Jennings

2. BLINK 182
How are you going to go ga-ga over a band that the MEMBERS don't really want to be in? Travis Barker is pretty awesome and kicks the shit out of any drum set he touches. Tom DeLonge did some good solo work with Angels and Airwaves. And Mark Hoppus is just a silly goose. Seperate they are good, together it's just pop-punk garbage. You know why they sing songs about parents getting divorced and farts? Because that's what you buy, you dolt. Probably the worst reunion tour on the road right now. And for the record, any "punk" music that girls like is total fucking garbage. That's just industry standard. Just look at Green Day. That song "Know Your Enemy" might be the worst song I've ever heard.

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Turbonegro, Arctic Monkeys

3. JIMMY BUFFETT
Admittedly, I grew up listening to this and mildly enjoyed it. My father sings and plays guitar in bars and is always inundated with requests to play this stuff. Basically anything Kenny Chesney and Toby Keith do is a cheap imitation of Jimmy Buffett, except he was kind of the first one to do it. Also, it isn't really the music that gets me with Ol' Jim, it's the fans. I've never seen a bigger douchefest in my life than one of these shows. It seems to me that these concerts are just about showing up in beach gear and getting hammered. Which wouldn't be so bad, but why not just go to the beach and get hammered? Why does baby-boomer-folk-rock have to be involved? Couldn't you just put the two hundred bucks you spent on a concert ticket towards a cooler, some Miller Lites, and maybe an ounce of weed? For the record, this group is the same people who tell me with a straight face that Bob Dylan "puts on an AWESOME show, dude."

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Donavon Frankenreiter

4. U2
This is probably going to ruffle some feathers, and I made mention of this on my facebook page today, but you really need to wake up. U2's "Joshua Tree" was one of the best albums ever. Probably goes in my Top 10, but after the song "Mysterious Ways" off "Achtung Baby" they really haven't done anything. The issue I have with that is they've actually gotten worse as a band...SIGNIFICANTLY worse and so has their listeners. In that song "Vertigo" Bono actually counts in Spanish "1-2-3-14" and nobody said boo about it. You might say that it really doesn't matter, but I say it's an indication as you as a listener. It's one thing to suck in one language, but two? The world already has Ricky Martin, we don't need U2 doing shit like that. The point is though, that the worse U2 got, the more popular they've become. Now you can't get a ticket to this show, and I will bet dollars to donuts they don't play "Bullet The Blue Sky."

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Muse, Kings of Leon, The Kooks

So take it from your favorite music snob. There is always better music to be listening to, and you should seek it out with reckless abandon. It's the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. Try it out, go on iTunes, spend about an hour and a half and check out the "Listeners Also Bought:" feature. About three clicks in and I bet you hear some awesome band you've never heard before and can probably see in a small club for ten dollars. Bottom line, smarten up, retard.

Squeedlie-deedlies and meedlie-meedlies,

RVonD

PS - if you don't have at least one entire "concept album" in your library, you're doing yourself a horrible disservice. So if you've never heard a Rush, Coheed and Cambria, or the first Mars Volta album "De-loused in the Comatorium", remedy this as soon as possible, you idiot.

"JESUS, NO!!": A Retrospective

For those of you not in the know, the Fridge sustained a horrifying ankle injury while playing slow-pitch softball the other day. On his way down to the ground after stepping on an irrigation hatch, the Large One exclaimed "Jesus, No!" Little did the Fridge know, but well before his arrival on this planet, this fateful phrase was used, throughout the annals of time, whenever the shit hit the proverbial fan. Some examples:

ENEMIES OF THE FRIDGE

There are a lot of people, places, and things out in this cruel world that I define as my enemies. I am a simple creature, and I rarely feel neutral about issues. I enjoy this because there is no “grey-area” for confusion in my life. The following is a list of just a select few of the things in the world that are out there to inhibit my progress toward that lofty, yet simple goal of happiness. Early returns of my 25 full years on earth indicate that eventually reaching this goal is doubtful.

ENEMY 1 - Humidity - I fucking hate it. I can stand heat. I really can. I hate that stupid phrase "it's not the heat, it's the humidity," because it's so stupid but true. I went to Phoenix in June two years ago and I (extremely) legitimately thought about never coming home. It was gorgeous and comfortable, yet my fears of flying, change and commitment probably will lead to me not leaving the Metro West suburbs of Boston until I'm deceased. I hate the way that my testicles spread out like bat wings and stick to the insides of my thighs on humid days. I hate the way I cannot stop sweating. I hate paying for air conditioning. I like the months of March and November. I also enjoy time spent in the Freezer aisle at the grocery store.

ENEMY 2 - Low Flush Capacity Toilets - I am a large man, with exquisite dining tastes and classy eating habits. However, to say I may gorge or overindulge on occassion would be also accurate. Too many members of the exclusive club called friends and family are currently living in homes that were constructed in the era just after World War 2. Funny enough, many landlords/homeowners have seen no need to purchase a new toilet since 1950. Don't they understand that the average fatso in America today is consuming a combination of protein shakes, cheap ale, burritos, steak tips and late night chinese food on a weekly basis? The shit monster from Dogma was the 4th roommate at my college apartment. I really have become a pro at plunging of late, though. Luckily, no incidents at the new residence. Yet. In turn, I have really been letting them fly at the office. The day I clog an industrial strength commercial toilet will be the day I light off firecrackers and throw a parade for myself. Yay Fridge!

ENEMY 3 - K-Rock - This stupid dick has been a pain in my ass since I was 2 years old and he was born. True story, when he was 2 and I was 4 he bit me square on the toucas and took out a chunk of flesh. Ever since then, he's basically always been better at sports and more athletic than I have. Whenever I am successful at anything, like having a job and money, he one ups me by winning a National Championship in a manly sport like rugby. In other news, I played tennis in high school. He hits home runs or flies out to left field every at bat during softball games. I generally ground out to the shortstop and then sulk. Luckily, he's a really lousy drunk and probably won't have any long term success or friends.

ENEMY 4 - Starbucks (Non) Rainbow Cookies - Simpleton. That's me. When I buy a cookie called "rainbow," I assume and have come to know from past experience that I am going to have red, blue, green, orange and brown M+M's. Recently, Starbucks started skimping on the first three colors and all of their cookies have been brown and orange M+M-laden. For some reason, these cookies have also been causing the runs . Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm a fat mess and need to stop eating cookies and drinking lattes every day.

ENEMY 5 - Fenway Park - Tiniest fucking seats ever. Good to know that R Von D's Uncle "Jockey" and extended family are the only people in America that fit in the stupid place. I am not obese or ridiculously tall. I am probably an average sized white male. I cannot possibly be expected to sit in that shithole for a 4 inning game. Awful. If I ever hear the phrase "Lyric Little Bandbox" again, I'm going to hold Peter Gammons hostage. The urinals are trough style in some areas, with no barriers in between. Last time I was at a game it was in April and it was like 45 degrees out and raining. Shrinkage had occurred. But the gentleman using the facilities next to me had no problem looking down at my privates, laughing and barking out "I guess you could call that a dick" at me while I was trying to finish urinating. I went back to my seat in shame and paid $9.50 for another Natural Light disguised as Bud Light. Yum.

ENEMY 6 - Activities Requiring a Steady Hand - Driving, Texting, Pouring from a Pitcher in Public Places. "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!" I always make a fool of myself in front of everyone and my only retort is "K-Rock has it worse."

ENEMY 7 - Crowded Bathrooms - I get stage fright. That's my problem. I always try to go for the stall, if it's available. I am usually safe and can get the stream going in there. However, some of my bathroom companions might get confused by a gentleman of my stature taking a standy pee in a stall. I always fear the retribution and ridicule when I step back out through the stall door. Option two is to stand at a urinal for the normal 35-50 seconds, fake like I'm peeing and then walk back to my seat at the bar, restaurant or sporting contest I am attending. I don't want to let the other gents in the bathroom know that I have this horrible, embarassing problem. Even worse, I get back to my seat and I still have to pee like the dickens. I have no idea what my problem is. I was never violated by any authority figures in my life. I don't think I have abnormal bathroom activities compared to any other 26 year old men, though I do enjoy removing all my clothes and taking nice nudy poops on occasion.

ENEMY 8 - The Sun - Damn my pale complexion. I usually get a ridiculous, epic sunburns once a year where I have to bathe in Cocoa Butter and my skin itches for three days. The only known fixes for this are: -drinking a score of Miller Chills and sleeping in an air conditioned hotel room in Virginia Beach -wrapping oneself in swaddling clothes and laying in the den to watch movies and The View at the Dump Lounge -placing a plastic lawn chair in the shallow end of my parents' swimming pool and sitting in the chlorine for an entire day. I think Schonda Schilling is going to assassinate me.

ENEMY 9 - Standard Sized Hats - "Seven and three quarters" have got to be the most depressing four words ever spoken inside of a Lids. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just ask you to check out a rash on my homeless friend's hamstrings to see if it is potentially communicable through toilet seats and bus stop benches? No. I asked you to move the ladder, climb three steps up, and tell me if the god damned Cincinatti Reds hat is available in my size or not. Frig off.

ENEMY 10 - Uncooperative Karaoke Audiences - I have not only been a victim to this personally, see Kelly Clarkson "Breakaway," but I have also seen two other occasions of horrifyingly unreceptive audiences to two great karaoke performances. RVD's sensual version of "I Need You Tonight" by INXS was met with crickets and whispers of "I wonder if he uses a noose when he pulls on it," by a Grand Buffet crowd one summer evening in Nashua. K-Rock's epic cover of "Magic Man' by Heart was met with boos and projectile vomit by the attendees of the Lea Family Graduation Extravaganza. Perhaps they didn't approve of a karaoke song that featured a seven minute guitar interlude. My major problem with uncooperative audiences is their ease of criticism. If you don't have the ballsac to get up in front of a few friends and a few dozen strangers and let your singing do your talking, then I think you should leave your critical priveleges at the front door. Besides, I'm there to entertain, and I don't take it too seriously...right. Taking it too seriously would involve driving from Exit 4 to Exit 7 in Nashua at 12:35 just because DJ Dougie Tazer might let you sing the last song to close the place down.

Other potential enemies included: President Obama's Assault on the American Dream and Taxpayer, and Predatory Annuity Sales Practices. I figured that my explanations for these would end up coming across in a sobering, conservative and serious tone and those blog entries are better left to my great friend R Von Angry.

With Liberty and Hatred for All,
The Fridge


BONUS ENEMY: Michael Bay Movies - I love to hate them. Transformers 2 was basically a flaming bag of turd. The worst part about Michael Bay movies is the fact that he finds a way to work green flares and slow sweeping low angle camera shots of the hero/heroine into every single movie. The best part about Michael Bay movies is that they usually involve an air conditioned movie theater on a hot summer day and a shitload of popcorn and explosions. And sometimes Megan Fox. I like the way she's put together.

Unoriginality in the "Film" Industry

A few Friday thoughts before your weekend. It's humid as shit again and my balls have been stuck to my leg for 2 days. Ugh. Lucky for you that isn't the topic of today's discussion.
There are too many Seth Rogen movies. I can't even keep them all straight. I'm the kind of douche who quotes movies (of all genres) every five minutes and annoys the crap out of everyone who hasn't seen the film being referenced.
That said, I can't remember for the life of me in which movie Seth Rogen compares the movies "Armaggedon and Deep Impact." Regardless, that quote got me thinking about how many times two movies have come out within a few months of each other and are basically the exact same thing. Here are a few thoughts on such films.


Dante's Peak and Volcano
1. Dante's Peak - James Bond and Sarah Connor save a small town in a red state from an exploding volcano. I think this and Mike Myers' Studio 54 played together on a double feature at a drive in where a mass suicide took place.
2. Volcano - Tommy Lee Jones saves Los Angeles from an underground volcano by using only his crusty old mind and jersey barriers. Little known fact, this movie was originally about ethnic cleansing and TLJ used the jersey barriers to divert the lava into Compton instead of into the Pacific Ocean. Apparently it didn't do well with test audiences.


National Treasure and Knowing
1. National Treasure - Nicholas Cage has a knack for figuring out secrets of American History through archaeology.
2. Knowing - Nicholas Cage has a knack for figuring out secrets of American History AND the future through mathematics. Rumor has it they filmed these movies at the same time, though neither archaeology nor mathematics can explain Nicholas Cage's haircut.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Jack
1. CC of BB - Brad Pitt ages normally, starts as an old man.
2. Jack - Robin Williams ages extra fast, starts as a young boy.
(I realize these movies came out 15 years apart and really have nothing to do with one another, but something smells fishy here. Something ain't right. Someone ripped off someone. Luckily only one of these films had Robin Williams hairy ass knuckles. Ugh, another Seth Rogen reference. That guy is overexposed more than the Dropkick Murphys.)

Paul Blart and Observe and Report
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - The King of Queens rides a Segway, hijinks ensue.
2. Observe and Report - Old Friend Seth Rogen somehow gets Anna Faris away from stalking your humble author to film a 90 minute film that is the same thing as Paul Blart minus the Segway but plus an "R" Rating.

The Illusionist and The Prestige
1. Illusionist - Fight Club with Magic.
2. Prestige - Batman Begins with Magic.

Push and Jumper
1. Push - The Human Torch from Fantastic Four now has the ability to do the aadooooooken thing from Street Fighter. And someone made a whole movie out of it.
2. Jumper - Anakin Skywalker apparently has the ability to jump from one place on the planet to another whenever he feels like it. I bet RVD wished he could jump from his cubicle to the bathroom immediately and without effort, but unfortunately he can't and unfortunately this led to an "accident" and him having to trash a pair of undies at work. In other news, these two movies were the film equivalent of a pair of soiled underpants.

Any others I missed? Hit the comment section.

Have a sexy weekend,
Fridge Bo Bandy

RVonD's Worst (read "Best") Idol Performances From Around the World (UPDATE)

It's not secret to anybody who knows me that I'm a huge fan of American Idol. And, yes, I think Middle-America totally screwed Adam Lambert and I think Kris Allen will be homeless by the end of 2011, but I digress.

As much as I like American Idol, I also despise "America's Got Talent." It's basically American Idol with magic and no age limit. And if you say anything to me about the chicken catcher guy I'll fucking kill you. My father has been playing that Garth Brooks song in bars since I was a little kid, and he does it way better. Just because the guy is an unemployed farmhand doesn't make him the next Randy Travis. Maybe he should be looking for work instead of warbling on a stage with a cheap guitar.

Now, since I miss Idol so much, I would like to give you a retrospective of the best auditions I have ever seen from around the Idol world, not just American Idol. Please to enjoy, because everybody loves a spot of high-functioning autism in the morning:

5. William Hung - Yes old, yes played out, but I can remember EXACTLY where I was when I saw this and what drink came flying out of my nose. Totally set the stage for Idol reject fame.




4. "Ken Lee" - Now, I don't know who this broad is or where she comes from, but this is one of the funnier female performances I've seen.


3. German Death Metal Idol - A newcomer to the scene, I just saw this clip today. And yes, if I haven't seen it, it's new...for I have seen all internets. I love how hardass the kid is one minute, then panic-stricken and finally turning into a totally insecure puss-bag. I bet all black metal singers are like this.


2. This guy - Wow...



1. Ryan Hart - So, why is this my #1? Two reasons, one because the kid sucks. Two, because he obviously tried out for American Idol because he thought he was good and a hardass, and once rejected you can see that he puts up this front like I can totally hear him telling his friends that he "totally didn't give a shit and that it was just a joke. I mean, did you see their conformist faces? I totally freaked them out, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan." Then he went in his room and wrote in his "Nightmare before Christmas" journal about how nobody understands him and they'll all be sorry when he's dead. You're not "unique and different," you're just like the millions of other kids who think they're unique and different. Nobody is going to be sad when you're dead, and nobody is going to your funeral and cry, because nobody will be surprised. Get a job.




HONORABLE MENTIONS:

James Lewis - This was just awesome. I love when honest, kind, sincere people just get laughed at and shamed. Eddie Vedder? Really? And who the hell is Paul Robison? I seriously thought this kid was deaf when I heard him. He sounds like Marley Matlin on a record playing at the wrong speed.




Nick Zitzman - The kid's name is Nick Zitzman, and he's a software engineer from Utah. You get it...




UPDATE: One of our dear readers was good enough to pass this along to me. I think we have a new winner!!






Very much on key,

Ricky

Toilet Humor

An interesting thing happened at work today when I went to the restroom around 10:30 to urinate. To set the scene of this restroom, there are 2 sinks, 2 urinals, and then 3 stalls (1 handicapped.) My company leases space on all 4 floors of our building, however we do share the 4th floor with an IT consulting company. Therefore, we share the 4th floor restroom with the "other" company. A few of my coworkers and I have noticed several questionable items from the other company. First, at least a third of "The Others" walk with a limp. Second, another third do not wash their hands after using the john. Third, the last third have an inexplicable need to use the cell phone while in the shared restroom.

Today's incident involved your humble author and one of The Others' cell phone use. I waltzed into the restroom prepared to unleash a large batch of asparagus pee on the second urinal. Much to my chagrin, I was barely able to get the stream going before the sound of business conversation/negotiation was berating my ears from the middle stall. This goon was conducting legitimate business while sitting on the toilet. I am not above talking to K-Rock, RvD, my mother, or even Team Canada while I'm sitting on a private toilet. But even I wouldn't subject strangers in an office setting to listen to my stupid conversations. Especially given the fact that the content of my conversations on the phone these days mostly revolves around whether I'm bringing the correct brand of kitty litter home with me.

Back to the matter of the toilet talker, my evil mind immediately tried to go into hyper-drive trying to think of amusing ways to sabotage this prick's business phone call. If he wanted to disrupt my pee, I was going to find a way to cost him money, business success and most of all, some sense of lifelong happiness. Because of the stench of my own asparagus pee, my mind wasn't functioning at 100% though. I could only come up with two (admittedly weak) ideas.

First, I could let out a loud fart. I had one in queue too. The risk of farting and peeing at the same time while standing at a urinal should not be underestimated. The impact of a good fart can really cause urine to go in unforeseen directions. I know I've tried this on occassion and while I currently have a .600 average, this isn't slow pitch softball...we're talking about getting piss in inappropriate places and theoretically getting piss on me 4 out of 10 times is not kosher.

Second, I could say something inappropriate out loud. Our stone bathroom walls would surely reverberate the sound into his phone (probably bluetooth ear piece) and the party on the other end of the phone would hear my comment and cancel his/her end of the contract they were discussing. There was no one else in the bathroom except for me and Johnnie Deuce. The only thing that came to mind that would be equally inappropriate and amusing was to blurt out "...and that was the first time I got crabs." Pretty weak. Probably would have been raised an eyebrow on behalf of the shitter, but because I had so dissappointed myself, I didn't say anything.

I got back to my desk (after washing my hands) and shared my story with a few co-workers. Here is a quick list (in what I believe is ascending order of awesomeness) of things that I could have done to make the situation in the restroom much more amusing/awkward for our friend in Stall 2:

1. "The Freshman Dorm " - Douse a roll of TP in water and roll under the stall door and between his pant legs
2. "The STD" - Pose the following question out loud..."Does my foreskin still look infected?"
3. "The Jack Bauer" - Yell "I'll waterboard you until you give me the answer I want" and then loudly gurgle some water.
4. "The Wet Bandits" - Stick paper towels in the sinks and turn the faucets on high
5. "The Charley Baileygates" - Get into a fight with my imaginary alter ego and accidentally fall through the stall door
6. "The Noody Poop" - Very aggressively drop trousers and shirt in the stall next to the talking deucer and kick them off of feet.
7. "The Brokeback" - Utilize an iPhone and its' YouTube application, view a certain scene from a certain movie starring Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger.
8. "The Spaulding Smails" - Roll a Snickers into his stall
9. "The Prostate like a Honeydew" - Consistent flushing every twenty seconds of urinal for a consecutive five minutes
10. "The Ray Charles" - Shut the bathroom lights off

Please leave your own ideas in the comments.

Au revoir,
Le Refridgerador

Who Do I Make the Check Out To?

I'm a blogger. It hurts me to say that, but I am what I am.

I say some things about famous people and "regular" people I don't like, and I'm told that at times my brand of funny can tickle the ribs of the two people who actually read this goddamn thing. But, blogging is a hobby, an outlet. Do I ever think I should get paid handsomely for this and somehow become a staple of popular culture? Well yeah, but it's not going to happen. So I would like to thank whatever the guys name is that finally clocked that insufferable asshole Perez Hilton.

I know I'm a little slow on this news story, but what I realized this morning on the shitter is that this fat mess is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with America.

Case in point. You can go on perezhilton.com and see every other story is about equality, gay rights, gay marriage, you get the idea. And then this guy has the balls to call a respected artist who mentioned he didn't appreciate being written about a "fucking faggot." It's great to see such a glaring case of bigotry from somebody who spends his waking hours fighting stereotypes and advocating for equal rights. It saddens me that this country has adopted the creed that a person doesn't want anybody to mention sexual orientation/race/gender/religious or political affiliation unless it directly benefits them in some way. This country has become so politically "correct" that we've actually gone the other way. For example, I find the term "African American" actually more offensive than the term "black." And if THAT offends you, then you're both an asshole AND an idiot. The fact that you think that ALL black people come from Africa just shows what a sheltered prick you are. Read a book. Nobody calls me a "European American," because that would be dumb right? Case closed.

Let's toy with this idea for a second: Why do I have the right to say what I just said. The all too often cited "Freedom of Speech" notion that we all cling to like a fat kids mesh shorts to his inner-thighs. What we as people fail to realize is that this freedom we all celebrate is, and forever will be, a two-way street. Above all other things I consider myself a political moderate. Some see it as me just not picking sides and refusing to play for one team or the other. I see it as being a true believer in the democratic system. You vote for and back the person you think will do the best job. End of story, plain and simple. That being said, my core value system is also something of a hybrid. Now, I'm all for gay marriage, equal rights for all CITIZENS and the like, but I also recognize that people don't believe in what I believe in, and I respect that.

Take Mr. Perez Hilton for instance. We can go on and on about gay marriage and rights and whatever we want to, but we also have to allow for the flip side of things. I'm not asking you to agree with everything, I'm not pleading with you to see where they are coming from, but if you can shoot your ignorant fucking mouth off about one thing, you better be ready to back it up. You can't just draw cocks on peoples faces and put cartoon jizz all over them and expect nobody to have a problem with it. You can't ask a question about gay marriage during the Miss America pageant and get all pissy when you don't get the answer you wanted to hear (you all saw that right)? If there is one thing I've wanted to drive home ever since I started writing on this goddamn page is that there is two sides to everything, and that for once, has to be at least acknowledged by people. As mentioned prior, this isn't a plea to understand why some people hate gays, blacks, hispanics, asians, catholics, republicans, whatever. This is a call to understand that we're all fucked up, we all don't like some things, and fucking get over yourself and enjoy the fruits of your parents labor, because none of us work hard anymore, and that sickens me. Ignorance is failing to recognize something outside of your own mindset, plain and simple, and I am tired of that word being used for people who simply don't agree with what you're saying.

In closing, I hope this isn't the last time this happens. It's a wake-up call, a call to arms for people who simply aren't going to lay down for what I'm going to call passive-aggressive fascism here. I don't agree with you, I don't like you, and if you say anything that is an attack on me, I'm going to punch you, with deadly accuracy mind you, right in your fucking mouth. But for now, keep making money by calling fifteen-year-old girls whores and sluts on your website. You're a real beacon of hope for us all, you fat prick.

Praise His name,
R Von Dexter

1958-2009

This may be out of synch with some of the other things we do on this site. But I couldn't live with myself if I didn't use this outlet to say goodbye to the man who basically invented the music video and pop music.

As a little kid, the one tape I used to watch over and over again was the making of "Thriller." It was my favorite movie at the time and if I had that Beta machine to this day I would still be watching it. In fact, the first record I ever owned was Thriller. It came out when I was one year old and to this day I remember the words to every song on the album.

Now, whether or not you want to believe this, Michael Jackson was, is, and forever will be an American icon. Myself, I have always been of the mind that we as people have to gauge the artist and the personal lives of people on their own merit. Do I think the man had his hands in some underoos? To be honest, I really don't care. The guy was weird. He had a fucked up childhood, that wasn't his fault. It's common knowledge that his dad took his childhood from him, and he spent the rest of his life trying to get it back, who wouldn't do that? But you show me another person who can live as a recluse since 2005 and still make headlines up until he died. No matter what he did, where he was, or what was going on, people would write about it because this guy was a big deal to all of us. Years will pass after this day, but no matter what comes to pass, there will never be another Michael Jackson, and if you ask any pop idol today, I'm sure they'd take the time to thank Michael Jackson for giving them a job.

So, as a huge fan of his, I think I'd be remiss not to mention when one of my heroes goes away. God only knows that Rock 'N Roll Heaven is the only place he could have gone where people will once and for all leave the dude alone.

And into eternity brother, goodbye and farewell:

"When the world is on your shoulders
Gotta straighten up your act and boogie down
If you cant hang with the feeling
Then there aint no room for you this part of town
cause were the party people night and day
Livin crazy thats the only way

So tonight gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf
And just enjoy yourself
Groove, let the madness in the music get to you
Life aint so bad at all
If you live it off the wall
Life aint so bad at all
Live your life off the wall..."
Off The Wall - 1979

The (Failed) Maturity Chronicles

Loyal reader, you may have heard the horrifying news that I recently took a step into adulthood and moved in with my ladyfriend. RVD and I had a brilliant vision at the time of an on-going blog series called “The Maturity Chronicles,” where I would pontificate on this new lifestyle and share all of the interesting daily comings and goings of living with my new roommate. Putting pen to paper never happened though. I guess the move went too well and nothing overly exciting has gone down during the first 25 days. I started complaining to RVD that there was nothing to write about, but he pointed out that the simplicity factor might be key. Enjoy.

Meow
In the days before my handsome self was brought into her life, my ladyfriend (we’ll call her Miss Canada for now) filled the void of love in her life by purchasing 2 cats, Big Mack and Bean. Apparently the scent of kitty litter and cat food just made her feel complete. I guess I didn’t really comprehend that when I became roommates with Miss Canada, I was also becoming the proud owner of the two feline monsters as well. I have since made peace with this fact, even though I never thought in my life I would clean up cat vomit or “take out the shit” of another species. With respect to the best G-D tv show of all time (Trailer Park Boys), I decided to have a little fun at the cats' expense. A character on the show named Bubbles is a proprietor of the “Super Cats Cat Show” and is also the proud owner of many adorable kitties. Big Mack and Bean are not appropriate names for the vicious creatures that I live with. I have taken to confusing them by now referring to them as one of the following (Bubbles inspired) cat names: Meowenstein, Shit Rock, Steve French, Vince the Pince. These inquisitive little nightmares have also become interested in my bathroom activities. My new favorite pastime is throwing magazines at the paw that sneaks under the bathroom door while I'm sitting on the John. Last week, I even sat for a good 15 minute session with the bathroom door open, just to see if they would approach. The look of shame/fear on my face must have led them away, because they pawed at the door frame and scampered away. I stink and have too much time on my hands.

Clog
It was inevitable. The clogging of the one toilet in our apartment was going to happen at some point, but I didn’t think it would happen six days into our lease. My time at the River St Sex Club included heavy indulgence in cheap American ale, chicken wings and burritos. In those years, I perfected the art of the plunge and should probably be teaching classes on how to un-clog toilets. So two weeks ago on a Saturday, I made the Executive Decision (see a movie) to walk out of the bathroom with the plunger in one hand and a sad and confused look on my face. “You officially now live with a gentleman.” “What’d you do?” You get the idea how that conversation went. When I started laughing halfway through and told her I would fix it but that this might be a weekly occurrence, she asked if our lease was still negotiable or not. I’m not sure if the land-lord ever got back to her. F my A.

Yoga + The Hangover
Miss Canada’s suggestion that I try out yoga was well taken at the time. I will not deny that I need to work on my flexibility and stretching. A nice quiet hour on Sunday morning with some soothing music and 15 complete strangers seemed like a good idea on the Tuesday that I agreed to go. Saturday afternoon, I started to have my doubts. I don’t like being the new guy at places. I don’t own a yoga mat. I really feel like sleeping in and watching SportsCenter three times on Sunday. You get the idea. So Saturday evening I put my plan into place. If I could get Miss Canada drunk enough, she’d be hungover on Sunday morning and want to skip class. We were at a Red Sox game that night – so the draft beer was flowing well and she fell into my trap. Every suggestion of “one more” was accepted. The Sox won the game, and I won at my game. Sunday morning rolled around and I heard someone mumble “let’s just skip it this week.” VICTORY!


Please note, dear reader, that these stories certainly are on a different scale than the days of old. I do miss my old roommates but I have a growing appreciation for the new lifestyle. Especially if it involves shitting with the door open, which I have never done before. Nice.

Honorably,
The Fridge

Adventures in Full Contact Martial Arts With R Von D

I used to be an athlete.

Growing up I played three sports, all of which I achieved the highest levels of mediocrity, never really getting to the level I wanted to for varying reasons and excuses. But, during my college years, I knew I was getting a little "soft" and decided to LITERALLY step into the ring. It was then that my friend Albie introduced me to the world of mixed martial arts.

Over the past five years or so, what followed was a complete hodgepodge of training from Vale Tudo, to Brazillian Jiu Jitsu, to Judo, to Aikido, and Muy Thai. This mixed bag of disciplines all taught me different things with different philosophies on how to properly engage somebody in hand to hand combat. Needless to say I liked some things about all of them but fell short in some categories. For instance, in doing vale tudo and Brazillian Jiu jitsu, I found that my legs were too short to get somebody in a proper guard or complete any good submissions. Aikido was a bit too passive and impractical for me, albeit really cool. And in Muy Thai my weight class had me fighting people twice my size with twice the reach...which left me getting kicked and punched a lot. So basically I was too short and too fat to do anything required of me...awesome.

Then it happened, I had heard about Krav Maga for some time, the draw being it was real-life, real-application, no bullshit fighting style used by the Army, police forces, and founded by Israeli martial artists. A system basically to learn how to kick the shit out of somebody with no regard for their health. The practice literally involves testicle kicking, eye scratching, and chokes. The only thing it's missing for me is how to properly hit somebody with a brick once their back is turned.

I've been at this for about three weeks now and from what I'm told I'm a natural. My mixed history of fighting has provided me with ample kicking prowess, and a hammer fist that will cave in the back of your skull. Just ask Fridge's leg how good the Von D hammer punch is. Finally I feel like an athlete again, quickly moving up the ranks of the Krav Maga class. The other good thing about this class is that there is no regard for weight, height, sex, or athletic ability. This being the case, one day I might be fighting a guy who looks like Zangief from Street Fighter (yes, there is a large Russian wrestler named Vlad in the class) or a 90 lb. pain-in-the-ass housewife who can barely tie her shoes without falling over. Perfect for me, an example:

This ninety pound woman I just mentioned. Last night she kept going on and on last night while we were "working" together that I wasn't doing the choke escape correctly. She would give me pointers, I would nod my head and pretend like I was taking in what she was saying. She'd bitch some more to the instructor, he would come over and tell her that I was the ONLY ONE doing it right, and to just settle down and do the drill. This led to her rolling her eyes at me the rest of the class, and me doing everything I could not to crush her windpipe...for I knew I would get my chance.

And in the last two minutes of class, my chance came.

The drill was as follows:

-One person stands in the middle of the circle.
-The rest of the class has various pads for which the person in the middle has to strike upon command of the holder (straight punches, hammer punches, kicks, etc)
-Repeat for 3 minutes


The drill started fine, couple straight punches, some roundhouse kicks, and a couple uppercuts. Then it happened:

I feel a light tap on my back with a pad and hear "straight kick". I look over my shoulder and see this little bitch lady and decide that I will not be satisfied until she's internally bleeding. What followed was a kick that, for all intents and purposes, looked like the scene in Chappelle's Show when Charlie Murphy kicked Rick James into the mirror, complete with an "OIIIIIIIIIII!" sound that was like church bells in my ears. She hit the ground about ten feet later and was slow to get up. A twisted smile showed everybody in the class my delight, and the instructor could barely keep from laughing. Needless to say, no more front kicks for me that day.

Now, do I feel bad about this? Straight answer: no. She signed the waiver just like everybody else and show know better than to hold a pad against her chest. Absorb the blow, you dumb C...and don't roll your eyes when the kid is in his office.

Kicks and punches,
One Bad Muthafucka

"The Hangover" - A Duchess Von D Review

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A Brief History of St. Aubin

When the Fridge and I were young, we had the privilege of working for a Fortune 500 company by the name of Able Moving and Storage. There we met many interesting characters including Steve Otis, who once received a 600.00 weekly paycheck at 5:30 pm, and did so much crack that he didn't have five dollars to get into Boston Billiards at 9:00 pm. We also had Jim Hibbard, who fathered an amazing 15 children, let the other "lifers" take turns with his wife in the back of a moving truck, and once had a TV land on his head with such force that he started bleeding from the ears. Then there was Hank, who had multiple divots in his chest due to being shot and/or being stabbed in Lowell on bad deals. And lastly we have the St. Aubin family. The two figure heads of this clan were Scott and Liz. Scott was a surly driver who would threaten to quit every day, hated all of the summer help, and called us all cocksuckers for hiding his time card on a daily basis. Also goes by the nickname "Scooter." Then there is his lovely wife Liz. Liz was the proud owner of a Saturn coupe who would propose drag races with my friend Booski's rebuilt '69 Chevelle because her car had "turbo". Also given the name "Liz St. Gross" by Little Greg. But there was something about these two that never sat right with either me or the Fridge. Who the hell was St. Aubin? What kind of catholic saint would give his name to such a degenerate bunch of miscreants with missing teeth? Well, we did some research and this is the fruit of our labor:

ST. AUBIN

Feast Day: March 1st

Biography: Albinus, also known as Aubin, entered the monastery of Tincillac when a youth, was elected Abbot when he was thirty-five, and was named Bishop of Angers in 529. He was known for his generosity to the sick and the indigent, widows, and orphans, for his work in ransoming slaves, and for his holiness and the many miracles he is reputed to have performed both during his lifetime and after his death. His feast day is March 1.

Here is where it gets interesting though:

Patron Saint Of The Indigent
Patron Saint Of Welfare
Patron Saint Of Coupon Books
Patron Saint Of NASCAR
Patron Saint Of Orphans
Patron Saint Of Gum Disease
Patron Saint Of Calvin Peeing on Things
Patron Saint Of Basic Cable
Patron Saint Of Fireworks Displays
Patron Saint Of Air Shows
Patron Saint of Child Support
Patron Saint Of Horseshoes
Patron Saint Of Indoor Lawn Furniture
Patron Saint Of Carnival Workers
Patron Saint Of Tucked-in, Non-hooded Sweatshirts
Patron Saint Of Wrangler Jeans
Patron Saint Of Plywood Cutout Lawn Ornaments
Patron Saint of Jean Shorts

So I guess that makes sense. Eight years of Catholic school should have had me know better, but I guess you learn something new every day. And this once again affirms in my mind that the Catholic Church is, of course, the answer for anything and everything. And with that, I will leave you with The Prayer of St. Aubin.

"O Angels of God, from heaven so bright,
watching beside my so-called children as gas cans they light;
Fold your wings round them, and guard them with Mt. Dew;
Softly sing songs to them of heaven and of Limp Bizkit too.
Amen"


God Bless,
The Pen15 Brethren

Hit In the Face With the Old-Age Stick

I was thinking today (Oh really!? Did you hurt yourself...hahahaha fuck you, not funny), that life is always moving forward whether we like it or not. As a matter of fact, I was watching the new Indiana Jones movie on DVD and one of the characters in the movie said something to the effect that there is a point in time where life stops giving you things and starts to take things away from you. Sad, but true. So I began to think about all of the things in my life that have changed as I near my 28th birthday. Jobs, friends, families, pretty much everything changes. My infantile mind then drifted to all of the women in my life who have changed as well, and how many of my adolescent fantasies have gone by the wayside due to unfriendly aging. So here is a short top 5 of the women I used to find sexually attractive and now don't. From philosophy to sex in one short move, how sophomoric of me. Enjoy.

5. Kirsten Dunst - An easy one for me. I remember being one of two males in the theater to see "Bring it On" and staring at Miss Dunst as she shook her little thing and her rather large breasts act out almost every cheerleader fantasy a young lad could have right down to the bikini carwash. Now it seems, gravity and drug use have crippled this once fine young lady and made her into a saggy-titted bag of bones that no studio executive loves. How she is still cast as Mary Jane Watson, who is supposed to be a SUPER MODEL mind you, is beyond my mental capacity.

4. Jenny McCarthy - I remember clearly on my 14th birthday one of my good jr. high school friends came to my birthday party and gave me a poster of Ms. McCarthy. It was the shot for her Playmate of the Year cover with her on the pink satin and you could see her bum. Probably one of the best shots of her ever taken. Now while some still might find her attractive in some light and I would not disagree, here is my issue. Sure, she's funny, witty, eats cheeseburgers, and swears like a sailor but having a hot girl pontificate endlessly about child birth and autism is a real boner-killer. I remember Jenny being on some talk show talking about the "blue taco" she referenced in her book "belly laughs" only to find out she was talking about the swelling and discoloration of her unshaven (yes she mentioned that too) labia during pregnancy. Also, the whole thing with her son is unfortunate and I wouldn't wish that on anybody, but it's no reason to stop taking care of yourself, dear.


3. Nikki Cox - I was talking to the Fridge today and we couldn't for the life of us recall the name of the show that Nikki Cox and Kevin Connelly were on with the rabbit puppet voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait. We did, however remember that Nikki Cox was the only reason to watch that show. The premise of the show was basically "Married With Children" with a hotter daughter, an even more diminutive son, and puppets. This is probably one of the biggest let downs in all of adolescent history to see her now. The proof is in the pudding in this picture (http://www.celebritymilkshake.com/425/time-is-a-cruel-bastard.html). I don't know which is more depressing, the fact that she once was so hot, or the fact that she's married to Jay Mohr now...gross.


2. Jenna Jameson - Might be too easy here, but come on: What guy aged 21-30 has not seen any work with Jenna Jameson in it? Here's a girl who had to pull her braces off at 17 so she could work at a strip club and pass for 18. Here is a girl who is the porn queen. The Marilyn Monroe of adult films and probably the highest paid adult film star ever. So what happened? I would guess a very unhealthy diet, drugs, various diseases, and whatever else just ravaged this poor kid. Seriously she's so skinny now I bet the widest thing on her is her vagina. Oh, and shame on her and whoever else decides to take implants OUT once they've been in for over 6 months. Which leads me into my #1 with a FUCKING BULLET.

1. Pamela Anderson - Hmmm what should I pick here, the cellulite, the bad skin, the frame that is almost about to collapse, or how about the fact that she's going to be dead inside of ten years due to hepatitis? You choose. Seriously she looks like somebody's grandmother strolling along the beach in a bikini that is way to small for her. Granted she can pull the rabbit out of the hat every once and a while, but somebody has to tell baby girl to cover up 'cause she's starting to look like the crypt keeper. And here's a woman who had great implants, took them out, had saggy boobs for a while to go for the more natural look, then put in the most ridiculous set of tits on herself that money could buy. Money she probably doesn't have any more mind you. What's the last significant thing she's done in the past five years other than star in a shit music video with her shitty ex-husband Kid Rock? Yeah she was in Borat, but half the joke of Borat being obsessed with Pam was that he was from Eastern Europe and the irony of him wanting to marry somebody who was hot ten years prior to his arrival is funny. Didn't think of that, did you?

So that's the list. And just so you don't think I'm a completely heartless prick. Here are five women who I didn't think were gorgeous five years ago, but I would do illegal things to in the present.

5. Winona Ryder
4. Christina Ricci
3. Jenny Garth
2. Holly Hunter
1. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss

Your faithful blogger,
RVonD

R Von D's Day of Reckoning

Things have been going well for me for the past year or so.

You know this. I've alluded to it more than once. I'm out of the woods. I have been surging forward both professionaly and personally. But, you see there is something in me, dear reader, that will never go away. And for the past two weeks I haven't slept very well, my eating habits have changed, and I've had the urge to just punch the shit out of somebody for almost no reason and without the slightest hint of remorse or regard for the well-being of anybody around me.

Why the sudden change? Why the sudden craving for destruction?

You ever see a caged lion turn on it's trainer and just maul the face off of him? It's not because the lion "went bad" or that the trainer did something to provoke this. Check this out:

Bear Attack Caught on TV This video clip shows a bear attack caught on tape! A lady is a guest on a TV show when she is attacked by a bear.

Now, what would make that bear just ruin that ugly lady? The answer is nothing, and that is essentially my point. The bear and the lion don't need reasons to do what they do. It is what they were born to do and it is what they were put on this goddamn Earth to do. I have been on a leash of good food, external stimulation, and regular adult funtime. Like any wild animal, I feel as if I am once again in touch with the venom inside me, and none of you are safe. A short list of people who should watch their ass:

Objective: Rid the world of douchebaggery
Target: Spencer Pratt
Weapon of Choice: Piano wire, blunt object
Implementation: Using the blunt object (think 2x4 with a nail in it), render victim semi-unconscious. Explain to him that people in this world have to earn their money, not just marry some broad with a set of store-boughts and show up at clubs. Piano wire does the rest.
Projected outcome: Go old-school, leave the body in front of a Hollywood club frequented by wanna-be starlets and douchebags as a message. Work for your money like your parents did, you self-absorbed pricks


Objective: Bring back everything good about sports
Targets: David Stern, Roger Goddell, Bud Selig, Gary Bettman
Weapons of Choice: Bamboo Shoots, Gasoline soaked trashbag, duct tape
Implementation: Explain to all parties (after being strapped to conference room table) that they are all guilty in ruining what is left of American sport culture. Bamboo shoots inserted in fingernails as I tell them everything they have done to wrong us all in the past years. Selig making our nation and our national sport even more of a joke than our foreign policy. Goodell housing more felons than a federal penitentiary. Bettman for taking a fast and exciting sport and running it into soccer-level attendance. And Stern because for one, I hate the NBA, and two for making his superstars so lazy that we can't even win gold medals anymore. Use gasoline soaked trashbag to cover heads, render all near death, but keep alive to fix everything. Also, have them all void contracts with ESPN, because Chris Berman, Steven A. Smith, and Tony Kornheiser should all be writing columns for some no-name paper in Bumblefuck, Arkansas.

Objective: Bring back exciting television
Target: Whoever stopped running "To Catch a Predator"
Weapons of Choice: That crazy guy with the knife strap-on from "Seven"
Implementation: Pretty simple really. Go the route of John Doe in aformentioned movie and make the show come back. So what if a couple of kiddie-porn fanatics killed themselves as a result of that show. As far as I'm concerned, it served its purpose. You show up at a house with a twelver of condoms and wine coolers, maybe you should off yourself. That's all I'm saying. Let's not forget how much better we all feel at the end of a shit day when we can all say "Well fuck, at least I'm not the kind of guy to drive a hundred miles for some 13-year-old's berry patch." I have at least some decency. Furthermore, why are all the dudes on that show Indian (dot not feather) computer programmers? Can anybody tell me that?

That's all I got for now, but you people better start looking under your bed at night and asking whatever religion you prescribe to for some serious reconciliation, 'cause the kid is coming, and he's almost out of his Xanax.

Sleep tight, fuckers...

R Von D

Fridge's Brain Diarrhea

I'm here to follow up Senor Von D's Brain Droppings with some Brain Diarrhea. I just have a lot of feelings (inside Mean Girls joke.)

-I read a statistic on the internet today, so it must be true. 73 current National Football League players have a DUI on their driving record. I think the only industries where this ratio is higher are probably the Arena Football League or MBTA operators.
-Has anyone else noticed that all of the music that MLB Network uses during their commercials or highlight packages is that weird pop-rock music that probably started on WBCN but ended up on Kiss 108? Blink 182. Taking Back Sunday. The Offspring. Sum 41. The Ataris. All-American Rejects. You get the idea.
-Speaking of music, I still like the Paris Hilton epic ballad "Stars are Blind." Seriously. Listen to this song and pretend it isn't sung by Paris Hilton and I bet you'll enjoy it. That or watch the music video and have the knowledge that you and I scab it up to the same material. Wink.
-People like Cal Ripken, Lance Armstrong, Jon Lester and Zack Greinke are probably inspirational to most people. They just make me feel bad about myself.
-Every evening on Baseball Tonight, I have to hear about the "unwritten rules" of Major League Baseball whenever someone gets hit by a pitch. I wonder if anyone else at my place of employment ever thinks about the "unwritten rules" of the office. Here's a quick rundown: do not take standy pees in the stalls, do not bring up my karaoke in front of management types, do not view my facebook pictures at your desk during working business hours, don't steal my parking space even if you are there before me, don't steal my activia digestive assistance yogurt out of the refridgerator, and certainly do not point out my carbon footprint to coworkers when i am printing off 15 pages from si.com to take to the bathroom with me for quality time.
-I think Google Latitude might be (at the same time) the single greatest and worst innovation of the new millenium. The fact that I can track my tech-conscious friends' movements through their Blackberry phones and a simple web application makes me so happy. However, the possibility that some douche from a ritzy Metro West suburb will now be caught on his (previously secret) bi-annual shemale fiesta to southeast Asia when he says he is at Red Sox Spring Training should really lead to some interesting life conversations between husband and wife.
-My mini-review of Terminator Salvation: The film equivalent of getting a lapdance from a talkative but wildly attractive stripper who has a speech impediment. If you somehow snuck ear plugs into the "session," you are going to leave happy. But if you are forced to listen to what they have to say, it probably was 5 hours' pay poorly spent.

Enjoy,
Der Fridgessar


PS - RvD and I will be bringing our updated Bucket Lists to the masses of our readership within the next few weeks. Keep your eyes and private parts peeled.

RVonD's Brain Droppings

Having been instructed by my long-time friend Keefe to "just friggin'write something" I figured I would give you all a couple minutes of my time today and let you know what time it is.

In our conversation that eventually gave birth to this blog, I commended Keefer that his blog, The Sports Brief, was actually coming along nicely and I genuinely enjoyed his posts about sports, moreover his thoughts on the world of Mixed Martial Arts. He then scolded me for not having anything down save for a couple things over the past few months and lamented the fact the he saw the names "Fridge," "K-Rock," and "The C" on several milk cartons throughout the greater New England area.

Asking for advice, the sage-like Keefe pretty much told me to get my head out of my ass and stop trying to hit homers with every post, and simply just get something for the people to see. Well I've eaten the spoonful of wisdom, broken it down with my stomach acids, passed it through both the large and small intestines, and crapped it out, and this is what I have to show for it.

Some brain farts for you:

- Everybody who wears a cell phone on their belt should be systematically put out to pasture.

-This may be one of the greatest viral videos I have ever seen. The Russian Star Wars Kid:


-June 6th is National "Listen to Slayer Day" and I plan on taking full advantage.

-Manofest.com is quickly becoming the best site on the internet for sophomoric humor. Just take a look at this: http://manofest.com/index.php?option=com_myblog&show=20-FAT-PEOPLE-DRESSED-AS-SUPERHEROES.html&Itemid=1
An entire gallery of fat people dressed as superheroes. Just awesome. And no, none of the people in the Spider-Man costumes are me, you fuckin' dicks.

-Recently, I have been sporadically taking my prescribed medication. Those who are closest to me have noted the change in my mood. Some have voiced some concern over the fact that I become so quickly agitated, but most of the people I spend time with find it hilarious. Like when I get drunk and throw limes at the house across the street or try to hit a potato off of a golf tee.

-I will turn 28 in a month, and I have finally found an appreciation for KISS. Ironically, it was after the American Idol finale that I said "Shit, those guys ARE pretty good."

-Remember when I had that job to throw batting practice for the Pawtucket Red Sox and be a low-level scout? I really biffed that one didn't I? Thanks Boston Phoenix.

- After some time off, I am slowly regaining momentum as one of the greatest karaoke acts in the Northeast, the turning point for which came when I sang Iron Maiden in front of a room full of people and actually hit the high notes.

-I owe K-Rock twenty dollars for eating twenty dollars worth of taco bell in under an hour. Technically he won the bet, but did he really? I also plan on paying him with ten checks for 2.00

-My father is starting to look like Tom Hanks. Or Tom Hanks is starting to look like my father...seriously.

- I recently decided that I hate everything having to do with American Media. From CNN to ESPN even to celebrity Blogs, I seriously think this country is in the shitter. And the fact that everybody who lives here is completely oblivious to what is going on around them makes it even more sad. Moreover we are raising a nation of fat, mediocre, assholes with no sense of duty or loyalty to anything but McDonald's and low everyday prices. Next Stop: Serioustown...all aboard.

AND LASTLY,

-Fridge has lost so much weight that he can no longer call himself "The Fridge". Please, if you know this man and see him on the street, please refer to him as "Bobby Light" from now on.

Good night, and good luck
-Ricardo Von Dangerous

Wow...how about this? *UPDATE*

You'll watch the whole thing, I promise... because every time semen is "recycled" an internet star is born.

Couldn't resist:

RVonD's Movie Clip of the Century!

If you haven't already guessed, I fancy myself something of a movie buff.  I've seen artsy movies, classic movies, awful movies, and porn...basically my whenever somebody beholds my DVD collection, that song from the original Willy Wonka movie starts playing, you know the one.

With this collection, I have stumbled upon a formula for a great movie.  To be successful, it should include any of the following:

1. Ass-kicking.

2. Catch-phrases.

3. A sassy black protaganist.

4. Good music

5. Sex

I want to bring to your attention though that I have just seen a clip from a movie that literally made me almost rip into applause after watching it.  If you haven't heard about this movie already, I need to be the one to tell you about it.  

BEHOLD!  BLACK DYNAMITE!!!

*Note:  This movie did not come out in 1975, it's actually coming out in a few months...for real.

R Von D and the Miracle Weight Loss Pill

Once when I was little, around the age of five, my dad used this simile when talking about doing good deeds for people:

"Doing good things for people is kind of like peeing your pants in a dark suit.  Sure it gives you a nice warm feeling, but at the end of the day nobody notices."

With that in mind, I've done some good things for people and he was spot-on in his assessment.  Now, nearly twenty years later, that simile has come to fruition in the most horrific of ways.

About two weeks ago, I started taking my weight loss seriously.  I've gotten back on the P90X train and have been doing yoga,  and I even set up a makeshift gym in the basement where I cannot be mocked while trying to better myself.

In addition to working out, I decided that I'd take an additional step to ensure my weight loss.  I started taking this weight loss pill called Alli.  

The premise of this pill is that it inhibits your body from digesting saturated fats.  Now, I know some of you are skeptical about this, but let me tell you the first time I went to the lav I was just as surprised as anybody to see what I saw.  I won't get into too much detail, but let me just tell anybody who has ever blotted a piece of pizza with a napkin, that's what my wipe looked like.  

Now, as I said, the idea behind this wonder drug is that you can't eat a meal with more than fifteen grams of fat or you will experience the most horrible stomach cramps, gas, and "spotting" anybody has ever experienced.  So basically what I'm doing in order to lose weight is forcing myself to eat vegetables and low fat foods under the supposition that if I eat Wendy's and foods unhealthy for me, I will literally shit my pants.

Now, I am a person whose disposition is a dangerous combination of a total lack of concern for my well-being combined with the mindset that I know better than everybody on the planet in all matters.  So naturally, after taking one of these pills, and while watching the Bruins beat the piss out of the lowly Montreal Canadians, I decided to take part in eating pizza, buffalo wings, and drinking Miller High Life with K-Rock and the Fridge.

In my head, I was thinking yeah, this will probably result in me getting up in the middle of the night, will probably be uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but fuck it, I'm R Von D and the squirty hurts have never slowed me down.  Not once, not never.  

So I ate, drank, took part in the general merriment, and went to bed.  But I didn't wake up in the middle of the night.  Instead, I got up in the morning, went into the loo, read some Sports Illustrated articles (if you know what I mean) and jaunted off to work.

Then it happened...

While I was sitting at my desk, studying for a Federal securities examination, I thought it would be okay for me to let out a little fart while the Indian guy (Dot not Feather) was on the phone.  There was a low rumble, and a warm sensation that seemed to last way longer than it should have.  Yes, I pretty much crapped my pants.  

I stood up from my desk and had to waddle the hundred yards or so down the hallway to the bathroom.  To my delight, the spillage was not solid, and had not yet leaked through my unders and onto my suit (which is black, thank God).  So, I cleaned myself up, and having no other option, deposited my undergarments into the waste receptical therein.  

So here I sit, at the very cubicle this all started with nothing seperating my boys from the outside world but a thin layer of suit pant.  

But what have I gained from this?  What good can come of a nearly 28 year-old man crapping his pants in a professional setting?  Probably nothing other than to keep on doing what I'm doing, because it's the only way I'm going to lose any weight other than getting liposuction.  

FML,

R Von D

PS - Down 7 pounds.