Top 10 Things You Can't Look Cool Doing

Let’s face it, you can’t always look cool. I’m sorry. It was a shock to me as well. I probably look cool approximately 85% of the time, and like my days in the classroom that’s a solid B average. I’ll take it. Some people clearly don’t care about looking cool, and that’s fine, you’ll see these people doing the following acts much more frequently then they should. If you want to avoid being labeled a jackass, and I’m sure you do if you’re checking out the Pen15 Club daily, stay away from everything on this list. Even Dalton couldn’t pull these off.

First some honorable mentions: Nintendo Wii, giving or receiving a hand job, using the elliptical, socks and sandals.

On to the Top 10…

10. Eating a banana-

Yeah they got a ton of potassium and they’re good for you, but don’t eat one in front of anybody. Talking more to the guys here. I don’t care if you peel it down and hold onto the outside like a handle or just rip the thing right out of there, there isn’t a good way. Not only do you look like you’re holding a pen15 but then you stick it in you’re mouth. It’s an uncomfortable experience… or it should be. Your best bet if you have to eat one with people watching, throw the peel and make some joke about how the next guy to walk by will wipe out. That should by you some time.

9. Going public skating-

What’s the point anyway? You got your terrible skaters who think it’s funny to hold on to their date for dear life, or your jerk offs who think they’re Sidney Crosby. Either way you look like a douche. If that’s your idea of a great first date or some shit, it’s not. Go to dinner and a movie or something. And if you’re skating around trying to show off, join a hockey league hero.

8. Walking in ski boots-

In the winter months in New England you have a few choices. There are the d-bags who go public skating, then nearly everyone else hits the slops. This one, however, is unavoidable. I’m a skier, and walking in ski boots is quite an experience. It’s like you forgot how to walk, and have to teach yourself while dodging people’s bags and the wooden benches that are way too close together. When you’re in the lodge it’s like an unspoken understanding that everyone in there will walk around like robots, you don’t laugh, you don’t say anything. Just move on.

7. Riding a unicycle-

This one seems a bit random, because after all, who has a unicycle? Well to my delight just two months ago I was driving home from work in Nashua, when right outside Historic Holman Stadium I saw a grown man transporting himself on a unicycle. Quite a sight. I gave him a hard triple take, and almost crashed. I used to think you could not look cool riding a bike, but they have come out with some sick bikes and the X games happened, etc. But a bike with one wheel? Come on folks.

6. Throwing a ball with your off hand-

This one comes with an exception, as R Von D correctly pointed out, former Boston Red Sox pitcher Greg Harris, who could in fact throw strikes with either hand. Besides him though, give it a try. If you’re a righty just pick up a baseball with your left hand and you’ll do a spot on Johnny Damon imitation.

5. Drinking out of a straw-

Look at someone’s face next time they drink out of a straw. Yeah it’s not cool. My father has never used a straw. He drinks beers. My family was out to the Olive Garden, which was lovely, not to long ago and the waitress brought everyone water. She put the straws on the table and walked away. My dad began to drink from his glass, and I said, “Hey you want this straw?” as I motioned to give it him. He looked at me like I offered him a purse. I grabbed another bread stick and put my head down.

4. Ordering a Bud Select-

Don’t. What a Bud Heavy or Bud Light isn’t good enough for you? You feel special cause it says “Select?” You want a straw with that?

3. Wearing a turtleneck-

http://www.nznature.co.nz/images/turtlenecks.gif

http://www.dimaggio.org/images/Heroes/Sagan.jpg

Carleton Banks wore a turtleneck, and he was a lot of things, but cool was not one of them. I don’t know who it’s more uncomfortable for, the person wearing the turtleneck or the people that have to see it. Not sure why people wear these things. To hide a hickey? Perhaps. To cover up a vampire bite? Doubtful. To look like a jag off? Definitely.

2. Getting out of the pool-

This is just brutal. It’s an uncomfortable situation no matter how you chose to get out. Pull yourself out on the side, use the latter in the deep end, or walk out in the shallow end. Like ski boots this is unavoidable. You can’t just stay in the pool forever, trust me. The water pulls down on your trunks while you’re working yourself out. If they aren’t tied to tightly you get ass crack, which is a great look. Either way your shorts get stuck to you in the man region. At that point you have two choices. 1. Grab the front of your shorts and pull up and out to give your junk some room, or 2. Attempt to show some class by not grabbing yourself only to show off your goods as they have just been molded like a wax museum statue. Oh yeah, the water was most likely cold too.

1. Eating an ice cream cone-

I always go shake, frappe, or “in a bowl, please.” People-watching is a fan favorite of almost anybody, and I recommend doing it near a place that serves scream. Watching someone attack an ice cream cone is quite enjoyable. There are two ways to do it. You can go all in by just licking the shit out of it. Stick your tongue way out and lap up full strokes of delicious ice cream. Or you can take those little lip bites. You know what I’m talking about. Eat an ice cream cone in front of the mirror sometime, and the next time you go to JP Licks, the DQ, or wherever the hell you get your cold treat… you’ll get a frappe too.

Keefe

Also I would like to say that if I had to be eliminated from the “Who’s Now?” contest I’m glad it came at the hands of the Revue.

Thank You.