Vote RvD + Fridge in '08

"We are not here to be your leaders. We are not here to be your role models. We are here as your cultural and emotional assassins. Every 'scene' you try so hard to be a part of. Every 'cause' that you get involved in. We are here to bring them down and to point out flaws in everyone, including ourselves. We intend to run a campaign based on brutal and horrific honesty. Do we think all ugly women should be forced to work in the stock rooms of grocery stores, hidden from all of society? Not if they have a decent rack, we don't. This isn't the kind of campaign you are going to get from any of those other 3 candidates. Toeing any party lines is not something that your humble writers are interested in. We are the Pen 15 Brigade, and we've reported for duty."



Give'er,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos (R Von D & Fridge)

Spring Is In the Digital Air: R Von D Attempts Online Dating

I've touched upon this a thousand times before, but I must reiterate again that my social life leaves a lot to be desired. Granted, this will all be over at the end of May when I move to the glorious city of Waltham, MA and get to have bunk beds with the Fridge (I already called bottom because of my small stature, and I'll enjoy watching his fat ass climb up every night). However, at the beginning of this month, I lost faith in my abilities to go out and meet people. I began to think that I was so undesirable to the opposite sex, that I delved into ninth circle of dating hell...online dating.

My experience here has done nothing but affirm my suspicions that I am going to be the cranky old man in the neighborhood who shoots kids with pellet guns when they step on my lawn. I did, however, find out some new things:

1) Fat girls LOVE me: Now I'm not talking "curvy" or "full figured" or "Mother Earth goddess" types here. I'm talking FAT girls. Girls who's ideal date is sensual food play with a fucking turkey drumstick. Oh, and all these girls list their body type as "about average"...right. I don't get it. I mean I was once in great shape, and have admittedly not been in the gym as much as I ought to, but come on. I'm not fat, and can't understand why "normal" females* do not find me attractive. This leads me to my second point:

2) All women are delusional: If you think writing "easy-going" or "loves movies" is going to somehow set you apart from the herd, you're fucking crazy. All girls think they're easy going. What is that shit? The reason you're on this site in the first place is because you're NOT easy going. If you were, you'd take the approach that 'things are going to work themselves out' and not whine and complain about how you can't meet the right people. That is the EXACT OPPOSITE OF EASY GOING, you stupid woman. Side note: Everybody loves movies, who the fuck do you think you are? I mean, granted you look like Roger Ebert, but that doesn't make you a film expert.

3) Every single girl on match.com is taller than me: No bullshit, every "wink" I got was from a girl who was 5'11" or taller. What do they want on a first date? Me to balance on a ball, juggle, and have them throw me across the room? Move onto the next profile, Gigantor, I'm short and stocky and do not need your sympathy or kinky sex acts that involve me dressing up in costumes. I mean...not that I know anything about that or anything...fuck off.

4) My home state is a Greek Tragedy: Seriously, you should see the single girls New Hampshire has to offer, they should seriously have their own fucking telethon.

Now, those are all facts, these are things that I actually witnessed. This is what I have come to. Just this morning, I took a peek at my profile to see that I got an email from a girl who listed her interests as the NRA and the last book she read was something regarding "Fantasy Dragons." Yeah, and did I mention she was 28-years-old and reading fantasy dragon books while going to monthly meetings of the goddamn NRA???!?! Is that fucked to anybody but me? Here's the thing: I majored in classical languages and Asian studies in college. I own several Frank Miller graphic novels, and Coheed and Cambria is one of my favorite bands, but am I THAT big of a goddamn dork?

Here's the thing; I used to be a social guy. Not to toot my own horn, but when I was more of a strapping young man I could throw the claw up and get it down in a crowded room of girls. Now it seems, I attract Dungeon Masters and girls who wash themselves with a rag on a stick. Perhaps I'm being unkind, perhaps they're really nice people and I've just had too much coffee today, but HOLY HELL I need to get out of here.

Okay, enough of the rant, and now onto the real problem with online dating.

The real problem I see here is that decent-looking girls who are on these sites and are "sick of the bar scene" are just as impossible to deal with as they would be in real life. Admittedly, I've done whatever I could to kind of break the ice with every girl who fit my criteria, and even if we seemed like a dynamite fit for each other, I am the first person in the history of online dating to strike out in the email department. Really. I can't even get an online girl to find me to be witty, charming, and perhaps a bit attractive. I'm beginning to think that I peaked sexually at 18 like everybody told me I would, but perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself. After all, this was just an experiment for me, just to see what I was up against in the dating world. But I'm beginning to feel like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the hill** and God is punishing me for ever becoming a Latin teacher in the first place.

Today my own flag is at half mast. I am mourning the loss of my dignity and any social life I thought I had. Take a moment moment out of your day for observed silence for me.

Fucking fantasy dragons,
R Von D




*There are, of course, no normal women left on Earth.
**Classical mythology reference alert!