Brain Droppings From Jamie Lynn Spears

- Y'all It's gonna be awesome when my baby and I go to college together.

- Dang, there goes my shot with Tony Romo

- What's a Fallopian Tube? Is that like one of those ice cream rolls that sis gets me from Friendly's?

- Jesus told me that I need to turn my boyfriend not-gay, that's why I let him put his hoo-hoo in my cha-cha.

- Nobody told me that the antibiotics I was taking for my chlamidya and HPV would make my birth not work, y'all.

- One time Britney let me borrow one of her three kids for a weekend. Now she's only got two.

- The one time I don't take it in my butt, this happens...what's that all about y'all?

- My mother tried to push me down the stairs yesterday. What's the deal with that?

- Miss South Carolina is so smart. Did you know there was a South Africa?!

- My boyfriend has been punching me in the stomach lately. Usually he just hits me in m'face.

- Tell Chris Crocker to tell everyone to leave ME alone.

- Something about dualies pickup trucks drives me wild. 'Specially when they got those fake dog bawlls in back.

- Why do all boys with tribal tattoos have magic sperm?

- It's good that this happened early before my career was over y'all.

- The guy from Nickelodeon said I need to find a coat hanger and a bathtub real fast if I ever wanted to work again. Then everybody started to laugh and I didn't get it so I started laughin' too. Somebody tells me what that means so I can laugh for realsies.

- Praise Jesus.

Merry Belated Christmas from Team 15

Let me first start off by stating that all of us apologize for our absence the past few weeks. The drubbings of the holiday season had caught up to all of us and we couldn't find the time in between hangovers to get after our own site...but no more of that my dear reader.

Some thoughts on the holidays:

Since I was a kid, it has been beaten into my head that I have to be nice to everybody from the day after Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. For just over a month, it was my duty as a human being to go out of my way to be nice to everybody. For any of you who have read anything I have posted on this site for the past 9 or so months, you know that this is not my style. Still, I find little pockets of time to be nice to people, wish them a happy holiday season, and even point out where I'm parked when somebody is looking for a spot...but no more. Now in my mid-twenties, it is apparent to me that the holiday season is seen by everybody on Earth as a free pass to be a complete asshole to everybody else. Some examples for you:

I'm trying to get my dad one of those toasters that has a compartment to cook an egg so he can make breakfast sandwiches. My mother, God bless her, gave me some inside information that they were on sale at Target. So I go to Target, muscle my way through the throng of assholes and degenerates, and make my way to the "Kitchen" section which is located on the second floor, way in the back corner. To my dismay, I failed to see the appliance I was seeking on the shelves. It was time to call in reinforcements. Unfortunately, help came in the form of a 300+ pound woman with greasy hair and missing one of her front teeth. I didn't know if this woman had ever cooked a meal in her life, but she was my only hope in finding the perfect, albeit gross, Christmas present for my father. So I asked her if they had what I was looking for, went into detail about what it looked like and whatnot, and I was met with nothing but a blank stare and bad, fat lady, breath. She then asked me if it was with the toasters, I said no. She asked me if I looked in the toaster section, I said yes.
She said "it wasn't there?" and I said no.
"Then we don't have it," she said.
"Do you think you have any in the back?"
After a long pause, and not even a ounce of effort later, she said "No."

Now, If you're the type of person is hired at Target as holiday help, you'd think that you'd be happy to have a job for a month and a half. You'd think that two days before Christmas, you'd be spreading cheer around the best you can and helping people who need your help. But apparently "fuck that" right? You want to be miserable and fat and gross and smell like an old shoe. Fuckin' people.

Some random holiday thoughts:

-Having a baby stroller does not give you the right of way. Say thank you when people let you go past, and don't ram it into my ankles. It's your baby not a shopping cart you dumb prick.

-People are looking for parking spots. People will sometimes follow you when they see you are leaving. Get your shit and your car and leave. Don't take your time, smoke a cigarette or whatever. Get in, get out just like you'd do if you were made to have sex with the fat lady from Target.

-Have a purpose. Don't just wander around aimlessly when more focused shoppers are trying to get around you. Do not stop suddenly and try to turn around or R Von D is going to knock you on your ass then spit on you as you piss yourself on the floor while you are being stepped on by the proles from Lowell, Mass.

-Bottom line, get the fuck out of my way.

Christmas sucks, I'm more angry about everything than I ever have been and your mother's still a whore. Fridge, get my pills.

Hope You Had A Merry Christmas You Miserable Twats.
R Von D

Hard Justice: Pen 15 Style

Roon Voon Doon and I have decided that the justice system in the world today has gone haywire. The punishment no longer fits the crime. Having seen on Court TV that a Saudi Arabian woman was given 200 lashes and 6 months in prison for being in the company of men in public, we decided that it's time to offer up our own system of justice. The following crimes befit the following punishments:

1. Shoplifting - 30 Minutes of Indian Sunburn on your favored arm

2. Drug Possession - A stern talking to from your grandmother

3. Public Intoxication - Must go shot for shot with K-Rock for an entire weekend at Plymouth State University

4. Beastiality - Have to watch your mother get undressed and dressed again

5. Kiddie Porn - Forced to re-enact 2 Girls, 1 Cup with Rosie O'Donnell

6. Unpaid Parking Tickets - Unexpected noogie priveleges for your entire group of friends

7. Unpaid Child Support - Must stare at naked pictures of Meryl Streep for 3 years

8. Counterfeit Money - You're only allowed to get with unhappy, controlling women the rest of your life (aka the RBoosk Law.) Also, can no longer eat at Haagen-Dazs.

9. Sex with 17 Year Old
a) Male Adult on Minor Male: Death
b) Female Adult on Minor Female: $600 Gift Certificate to Best Buy (must only be used in Videocamera section)
c) Female Adult on Minor Male: High-Five and a Lottery Ticket (must split winnings on lotto ticket with police)
d) Male Adult on Minor Female: Pizza Party

10. Retransmitting a Major League Baseball Game without the Expressed Written Consent of Major League Baseball Commissioner's Office - Code Red (see: A Few Good Men)

Thank you for your time,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos

2 Girls, 1 Fridge

The Sun UK is reporting that Britney Spears is threatening to release a lesbian sex tape starring Paris Hilton. Now, I'm the type of person who has seen maybe one too many pictures of both of these broads' snizzes. However, my main squeeze the Fridge thinks otherwise. You see, for as long as they have been on the television, Fridge has been enamored with everything that has to do with high-priced Hollywood whores.

R Von D: The people who read our little site should know that you are our connoisseur regarding porn and vaginas that look like stacks of deli meat. What do you look forward to most should this tape be released?

Fridge: The one man premiere party held here in my apartment. Candles, a dark screening room and silk pajamas. I'm good.

RVD: If you were a betting man, who came away with more new diseases after this little escapade?

Fridge: The mixture of their bodily fluids probably created a new superdisease known as "The Rage." This may or may not have been predicted by that movie 28 Days Later. Don't get it near your eyes or mouth.

R Von D: Say you are lucky enough to have been the meat in a Paris and Britney sandwich, who do you think would have the better performance? As a follow up, what would you have them do?

Fridge: They should fight to the death. Winner gets cocktails and dick.

R Von D: So you get the best of both worlds here: A porker who used to be the hottest girl in the world, and a girl who used to be the biggest whore on the planet trying to clean up her act. What is more appealing to you in this day and age? The fallen or the reinvented?

Fridge: I'm a big believer in redemption. But I feel like Paris is due to fall off the wagon into a sea of penis in the near future and I want to be coming in with the tide. (That's what she said.)

R Von D: Paris and Brit Brit are about to do the dirty-dirty. You get to see them use one food item on each other, what do you choose?

Fridge: Bucket of KFC. Paris needs a little meat on her bones and Britney gets grumpy when she consumes under 10,000 calories.

R Von D: If you had to title this movie, what would you call it?

Fridge: 'Two Girls, One Fridge"

R Von D: What advice would you give to any young Hollywood starlet who is thinking about shooting her own adult film?

Fridge: More "POV" shots.

R Von D: What is a POV shot?

Fridge: It's like first-person porn where you don't seen the dudes face and he doesn't say anything the whole time. It's much easier for me at that point to pretend it's me givin' it to Lohan or Barbara Walters.

R Von D: Barbara Walters, huh?

Fridge: Shut up, you fat idiot.


Joyous Yuletide,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos (Fridge and R Von D)

A Comparison Between Two Fat Messes

Fridge

Vitals:

Age: 24

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 320

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:4

Favorite Food: Salmon

Favorite Drink: Canadian Hunter

Hobbies: Shredding Guitar Hero, Hanging out with Communist roomates

Job: See Milton in "Office Space"

Family: 2 Parents, 1 Handsome, Accomplished Brother

Joba Chamberlain

Vitals:

Age: 22

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 230

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:1

Favorite Food: Mosquitos

Favorite Drink: 7 & 7

Hobbies: Horseback riding, Murderball

Job: Pitcher for NY Yankees

Family: 1/2 Father

Brain Droppings by Drew Bledsoe

Fridge here. On a recent archaeological dig, Ron Von Don and I unearthed a secret diary written by one of New England's favorite sports heroes of all time. What follows are some one-liners written by former Patriots quarterback/role model/model American Drew Bledsoe. Enjoy:



Brain Droppings by Drew Bledsoe...what a cool title for my diary. Its the same two letters but in a different order! BD by DB. I hope no one thinks I'm calling myself a dumb-bell with the initials DB though!

I don't care what people say, Terry Glenn has the softest hands of any man who has ever touched me.

I had a QB Club '95 tournament on Super Nintendo at my house last weekend, but nobody showed except Rick Mirer.

Whatever happened to Eve 6?

How come no one wears denim overalls with one strap unbuckled anymore?

Note to Bledsoe: Get battleship tattoo on chest.

I think that French Stewart is a comedic genius! I know I can't squint and talk at the same time.

Is raw venison considered a performance enhancing drug? I hope this doesn't affect my chances at the Hall of Fame.

Tom Brady's got such a high pitched voice. He sounds like a squealing pig when he's calling audibles. My linemen like my deep voice "OMAHA, OMAHA, 53's the Mike!!"

Speaking of Brady, I don't know why he's always going for the skinny chicks. The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand.

I contend that dial-up internet is far more useful than the cable or DSL stuff. It is much more challenging to hold back when I'm watching porn and it takes 15 minutes to load one thirty second scene.

I still pop cedar when I see Farrah Fawcett, even when she's on the intro for Tales from the Crypt.

Grilled cheese and tomato soup makes me feel better when I'm feeling blue.

Hybrid cars are for poor people who can't afford gasoline.

Why do we need nuclear warheads? Doesn't the government know they could just let me stand on the beach on the east coast and throw grenades into Iran?

How come no one likes my Zubaz pants?

Any stadium that uses a cannon to launch promotional items into the stands hasn't seen old DB get his mitts on a balled up t-shirt.

Charlton Heston is my President.

A TRULY RENAISSANCE “C”

This fall I had the opportunity to visit an entertainment venue that tops all others I have visited in my short 24 years on this planet, western New England’s pride – KING RICHARD’S FAIRE. For those of you unfamiliar with the Faire (yes the extra “e” is needed to ensure visitors are aware the park is old-timey), the website describes it as “a vivid recreation of a 16^th century English marketplace at festival time. Actors, dancers, puppeteers, jugglers, minstrels, mimes, magicians and musicians perform each weekend for the favor of his Royal Highness King Richard.” In layman’s terms, King Richard’s Faire was a breeding ground for weirdoes and perverts. Know those kids who got really into playing dungeons and dragons in the 80s and 90s? Well they grew up and spend their autumn weekends at the Faire.

Until my visit, I was unaware of the term “LARPing”—which stands for “Live Action Role Playing” or someone who enjoys acting out fantasy stories. LARPing abounded at King Richard’s Faire. I was unsure whether the majority of people at the park were actually employees or just a bunch of middle-aged virgins who had got all gussied up to enter a play world and play make-believe for an afternoon. Regardless, everywhere I looked I had the distinct impression that I was surrounded by people who had forgotten to take their meds. For my own informational purposes, I surveyed the “boothes” (yes another old timey “e”) to familiarize myself with the cost of LARPing. Believe you me, LARPing is NOT an inexpensive past time. Most of the costumes cost no less than 500 dollars. When you top your outfit off with the obligatory chalice, some ornate weaponry made of foam rubber, and of course other needed gizmos and gadgets, you are lucky to get off for less than a G. But think of what you gain -- The chance to enter a secret real life “World of Warcraft” land where you run around in tights and blow powder in wizards’ faces.

Now you may be asking yourself why I decided to subject myself to such an odd venue on my free Saturday. The answer is simple – I was tempted by the ax throwing, the unlimited meade, and the novelty of the park. Armed with 5 alcoholic dudes (sadly, none of which were R Von D and the Fridge) at my side, I figured, what is the worst that can happen? Needless to say, loud, obnoxious, drunk twenty-somethings stand out like a sore thumb in a re-creation of the Renaissance. For instance, while watching the last joust of the afternoon, one of my companions was on his 10^th yard of ale. A large female teenager dressed from head to toe in black velvet Renaissance gear started taunting my clearly intoxicated pal. (Think the “freaks” who used to hang out all Friday night at the mall – you know, black lipstick, black fingernails, chains, the works. Only these teenagers had channeled their freakiness into the historical outlet that is King Richard’s Faire). My pal’s quick-witted response “Let me pull out my sword and slay your dragon.” Just an example of the type of “humour” which was not welcomed at King Richard’s Faire.

Overall, I would not have been so disappointed in my afternoon if it were not for two things:

1.) The toilets. Since toilets obviously did not exist in the 16^th Century, King Richard’s Faire opted to maintain accuracy by placing toilets in old motorhomes as far away from the rest of the park as humanly possible. Not only did these small, overcrowded facilities reek like the dickens, but they were small and unsanitary. Thank you King Richard’s Faire for giving me a real memento from Medieval times, Syphilis.

2.) The highway robbery. Riddle me this, since when did everything in the 16^th Century cost you an arm and a leg? Not only did I have to pay 25 dollars to enter the park, but once inside I was forced to buy tickets in $5.00 increments in order to purchase food and drink. Since the geniuses who devised the entertainment venue know how to really swindle their patrons, none of the delicacies actually cost $5 or $10. Thus, I was left with $3 worth of extra tickets I had superfluously purchased. And if this were not bad enough, pretty much all the rides, exhibits and games (essentially any way to pass the time amid the LARPers) cost more and more modern day American dollars.

I left King Richard’s Faire a little poorer, a little wiser, and a lot more frightened of the people who spend their weekends in Wal-Mart parking lots pretending to be a level 15 night elf with the ability to self-heal.

Ha-ZAH!

The C

A Bar Crawl Recap in Haiku Format

By The Fridge

Hitting friends in dick
amuses immature Fridge
revenge going to hurt


Drank three vodka shots
commuter rail didn't stop
walked home, my feet hurt


Ron Von was wiser
stuck to moderate amounts
less fun, less over hang






Postscript care of Ron Von Don:
Gregoire and Andy
very inappropriate
mixed company sucks

The R Von D Wedding Date Application!

For those of you who do not know my brother, Peeje the Steeje recently proposed to his longtime girlfriend. As we celebrated this past weekend with both families in attendance, my mother (once again) expressed her concern with the fact I could quite possibly be dateless to my brother's wedding. In order to make my mother happy as well as to ensure that I am not the first Best Man in history to attend a wedding sans date, I have come up with the following application. If you feel as though you have what it takes to hang with me on the ceremonies nuptials, please feel free to answer candidly the following questions. Or, if you're bored at work and would like to see if you are compatible with me for later consideration, please do not hesitate.

And now, the much anticipated R Von D wedding date application:


Name:

Age:

Gender:

Relationship status:

Height:

Body Type (underline one): Slim, athletic, voluptuous, curvy, skinny bitch, fat bitch

Short Answer (Easy difficulty)

1. What is your favorite condiment?



2. What time of day do you arise after a long night of drinking?



3. Briefly describe your family's lineage.



4. If you could remove one species of animal from the planet forever, which would you choose?



5. What do you typically wear to bed?



6. Does the thought of somebody else getting marred make you more or less inclined towards physical activity with your date? Why or why not?



7. If you could have any super power, which would you choose and why?



8. Other than for the purposes of this application, have you ever visited this website (www.pen15blog.blogspot.com)



9. Briefly describe your feelings regarding Dane Cook.



10. Are you doing this because you feel bad for me, or because you think I'm a stud?



Short Answer (Hard difficulty).


1. How often do you use the phrase "That's what she said?"



2. How many mixed drinks could you have before you cannot walk a straight line (circle one):
1

2

4

8

More than 8


3. If the older men in my family begin to make passes at you, how would you politely decline their advances.



4. Describe yourself to me in haiku form (if you don't know what a haiku is, you should stop answering questions now).



5. How many cocktails must you consume before forgetting the words to "The Wild Rover"



6. What, in your eyes, is the greatest piece of American cinema produced in the last 15 years?



7. What is the name of my hetero-lifemate?



8. Are you prepared to pretend as though you are my significant other for an evening in order to make me look better in the eyes of my extended family (this includes hand-holding, getting the third degree from aunts, occasional kissing et al.)



9. The wedding reception ends. How do you plan on spending the rest of your night?



10. If somebody told you that you could cure cancer, but you would have to kick a dog to death inside of five minutes in order to do it, would you do so?




DESCRIBE IN A BRIEF ESSAY THE WORST DATE YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON.
















IN AN ESSAY, EXPLAIN WHY YOU SHOULD BE CHOSEN FOR THIS DATE, AND GIVE DESCRIPTIONS REGARDING HOW YOU FORESEE THE NIGHT GOING FROM BEGINNING TO END.



















Please email completed application to penfifteenblog@gmail.com

R Von D

Hey India, WTF?!

So here I am, scouring the net during class time when I'm supposed to be teaching and I find this:

Now, to the untrained eye, one sees a seemingly happy Indian family, with the father looking like he needs a drink. Not too far off from any normal American family right? Take a closer look, the little one there, the girl, has eight, yes eight arms and legs. That broad with the dot on her head gave birth to a human squid. Honest to God when I read the headline I thought I was going to see Stewie from Family Guy, the one where the world ends at Y2K and they have to find the Twinkee factory. If you haven't seen that episode, just picture Stewie Griffin's head on a purple squid body. I couldn't find a google image to accompany what I was trying to do so back off...now back to what I was talking about.

So I read on and found out that this girls extra arms and legs were actually a part of a headless conjoined twin. Seriously, that is some shit I've seen in B-Horror movies my whole life. Not only that, but the doctors who were interviewed on MSNBC claim that despite the extra arms and legs, the girl was "totally normal." Is that right, professor? I think the fact that she looks like Dr. Octopus (a name that is even funnier given the fact that her conjoined twin is coming out of that region. Not sayin', but I'm just sayin'.) makes her the LEAST normal person in the world. The article went on about how there was a marathon surgery to get the extra body parts off of her, yadda yadda yadda.

But this got me thinking, this wasn't the first time I had seen something like this. I used to watch that show Ripley's Believe it or Not and that shit was littered with Indian people. I honestly do not get what they are putting in the water over there to produce an inordinate amount of weirdos. Take this guy for example.

This is Sanju Bhagat. He comes from Nangpur India. You might think to look at Sanju that he either needs to lay off the Miller High Life, or he is the first pregnant man you have ever seen. Well, my dear reader, you are not that far off. You see, Mr. Bhagat has been housing the mutated body of his twin inside of himself for thirty-six years. Yes, he has his fucking twin inside of him. Not only that, but read this:

“To my surprise and horror, I could shake hands with somebody inside,” he said. “It was a bit shocking for me.” One doctor recalled that day in the operating room.

“He just put his hand inside and he said there are a lot of bones inside,” she said. “First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair.” Inside Bhagat’s stomach was a strange, half-formed creature that had feet and hands that were very developed. Its fingernails were quite long.

At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat’s twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin’s blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.

Seriously you have got to be fucking kidding me. Have you ever seen that movie "The Thing" if not, check this shit out, and this is what I'm picturing right now:

Note to self: Whenever you find yourself in India, arm yourself with a flamethrower, or just take a young Kurt Russel with you, and tell HIM to bring the flamethrower. I think the responsible thing to do would be to go over there with him and make sure no bear-trapped stomachs are being outsourced as our customer service representatives anymore. All I'm sayin' is I don't want to bail all of you out with the millions upon millions of these people start making their way over here with hidden people on their person, either that or we should charge them two plane tickets or something. Better yet, why don't we just put a huge circus tent over the entire country and I'll stand on a little box with my red petticoat and take two dollars from you to come in and see the show. They have elephants over there anyway right?

And one more thing: "CHOCOLATE RAAAAAAAAIN! SOME STAY DRY AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN. CHOCOLATE RAAAAAAAAAIN!" - Tay Zonday

I'll leave you with this, just so you know I'm not totally down on all Indian people. Here are some great examples of what they have offered me over the past couple of months:








**I move away from the mic to breathe in,
R Von D (aka Spicy Curry)

What Happens In Vegas, Stays in Vegas, You F*ckin' Snitches: by O.J. Simpson

The Juice is settin' in court today. Juice thought you might want to know what was gwins-on inside my huge head, so I'm just gonna blog the whole she-bang-a-bang out in live time for all y'all fans of the juice out in the world.


-Shit. Feel like home. I wonder if Vegas has chicken as good as the LA courthouse did?

-Unarmed robbery is for suckas and hos.

-Where Lance "The Mosquito" Ito at?

-Mo' better nickname: Lance "Mint Mo" Ito.

-If da glove don't fit, just stick inna pink butt raw dogg.

- Where's that ugly white lawyer bitch?

- Who's this DA on the other team this time? What happen to my boy Jackie Childs?

- Someone call Frank Drebin. He'd solve this for me all right.

-Go USC!

- My name shoulda been John David Booty. OJ get more white woman ass than a toilet seat.

- Oh shit. That Goldman asshole is back again. He want my money? He aint getting shit from me. Tell him if the automatic weapon don't fit, Vegas will acquit.

- The Juice be free and hitting the links in a few weeks man. I know dis. Get me 9 holes with Tiger in the morning the day after Thanksgiving and an afternoon lunch with Fuhrmann, Juice needs some money so we gonna write a book.

- It's a good thing they didn't see the dead asian ho in my trunk underneath all the stolen football shit.

- Shit Juice Like: Heisman Trophies, White Women, Trojans

- Shit Juice Hate: Snitches, Kato Kaelin, White Women who act a fool, Ron Goldman, The Vegas Po-Po

- Only reason po-po caught Juice was 'cuase he got a charlie horse on the previous play.

- Where Al Cowlings at with the Juice Mobile? We need to set this bitch off and take another trip. Ride or die homey.


OH FO SHO,
Juice.

More Advice From The Last Two People On Earth You Want It From

Since our readers were so impressed with our romance advice and found it so useful, we've broadened our horizons and are now offering advice on all walks of life.


TO THE EMAILS!!



Dear Pen15 Club,
I'm writing a resume for the first time and thought it was really tough trying to come up with the skills portion. What type of skills would you include on your resume?

Fridge:

My skills include:
- Creating Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches.
- Making social interaction with females awkward.
- Getting sunburned.

R Von D:

Other than the fact that I can type over 100 words per minute, I like to tell potential bosses that I can kill them with one punch. Also, I like to tell them that I can handle two women at the same time. This shows them I have the ability to be a "valued member" of a team (that's what she said) and have the ability to multitask and delegate responsibilities.


Dear Pen15 Guys,
Why do guys always say they're going to call and then never do?

Fridge:
Because you gave me a fake number. Is this that girl from The Skellig?

R Von D:
Probably because you didn't put out. Either that or you did put out, and you raked. Learn some manners.



Dear Fridge and RVonD (and that guy who used to write for this thing, I forget his name),
If you lost your hetero-lifemate/co-author, what would you do?

Fridge:

I'd build a Ron Von out of cottage cheese and other assorted meats and cheeses and cart him around like he was the real thing. I don't have problems with reality.


R Von D:

Firstly, what kind of question is this? Hey Pen15...if your family was in a serious car accident, your whole family, who would you want to survive? Grow up. All I know is if my man-slave died, my life would have to be all about hitting on girls, being socially aware and polite to people, and that's just not a world I want to be a part of.



Dear Pen15 Studs,

A lot of my friends are graduating from colleges, grad schools and getting married and having kids. I've been spending a lot of time considering all the fun I've had with my friends over the past few years? What is your top moment?


Fridge:

About 5 Christmases ago, Booski had a formal party at his house. Ron Von was videographing the entire thing and we snuck in on our friend ffeH while he was diddling the Doppler Effect. Once ffeH caught wind of 8 dudes standing in the corner of the Champagne Room watching this, he became very perturbed with us and chased us all through Booski's house. Ron Von and I hid outside in the bushes while ffeH choked out a dozen people and we giggled the entire time.


R Von D:

That was awesome. Mine was the same moment, but more specifically the way the girl in question (who was wearing a very fancy negligee by the way, very odd for a 16 year-old by the way) shrieked "OH MY GEEYOD!" once she saw me and Fridge in the doorway. Also, the sound of Fridge giggling as we filmed from outside was priceless.



Dear Pen15,
What is the ideal way to tell my child that there is no Santa Claus?

Fridge:

Shoot a deer. Put a red nose on it. Cut its' head off. Place head in the child's bed on Christmas morning like they did in The Godfather. Problem solved.

R Von D:

Slap him in the head, tell him to finish his steak because it'll put hair on his ass. Then, tell him to "be a Bruin" and make him do laps around the house until he stops crying. You should probably expect to pay a significant amount of therapy bills, but hey, beats payin' for his ballet lessons.



Dear Fridge,
Why do you blast horrible devil music out of your cube at work? You're disturbing everybody, and you are now offensive to all five senses.


Fridge:

Rather than killing you all or bringing a semi-automatic weapon to the office, I vent by tapping my feet to the double bass drums of death metal. If you have a problem with that, take it up with Ronny James Dio.



Dear Pen 15,
I've been struggling to find a quote for my Facebook profile that will impress people, any suggestions?


Fridge:

Ladies: Rather than picking some Colby Callatt song lyric or some lame ass line about how stupid guys are from Sex + The City (I'd hit SJ Parker, just sayin') I would go with something like "Don't ever leave me, cause I find you!" Any man worth his weight in goldt will a) be amused because it's from a great piece of American cinema and b) not be scared off because that chick was hot.

Guys: We get it Scarface, we understand you "have the world coming to you, chico." Find something that really hits at the heart of how challenging life can be. I would suggest "It's easy to grin, when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile, is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat."

R Von D:

"See, chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear...and when I do it's usually something unusual."
-Bill Murray in "Stripes" and R Von D to Fridge over several Miller High Lifes.

Dear Pen15 Men,

My boyfriend is a bit of a hairy beast, a Sasquatch, if you will. His chest looks likes one of Dr. Huxtable’s best sweaters. And I love it. The thing is, he is very self conscious and insists that I nair his entire body fortnightly. Now I love my man and would do anything for him, but the smell of the nair and the sight of his hairless body makes me want to vom. All I want to do is rub my face in a chest full of hair, but every time I tell him this he calls me a liar and locks himself in the bathroom. What do I do?

Sincerely, Nair-Free in CT


Fridge:

Dear Nair-Free in CT,
Drop that zero and get with the hero
Love Fridge
PS: I haven't shaved anything on my entire person since I was 13. It's a veritable forest down there.
PPS: Except for my head. Hair on top of the head is distracting and often forces guys to use "product" which is illegal in manly countries like Hungary.
PPSS: Please feel free to groom yourself before we "know" one another.

R Von D:

Thank you for your question, madame. Look at it this way, you don't want to be dating a guy who doesn't want to feel like a man. I like looking into the mirror in the morning and admiring the squirrel pelt between my nipples. If your man ain't into it, then he ain't shit. Also, if you're into hairy guys, grizzled, burly men, please email us at penfifteenblog@gmail.com, or answer Fridge's personal ad on craigslist.

Dear Fridge and R Von D,
My boss has been driving me nuts at work lately. Any suggestions on some subtle ways to drive him to insanity?

Fridge:

I would start alternating referring to him as "Pig Vomit" and "Lumberg." Those two names carry enough horrific connotation to drive a sane man to jump out of his own office window.


R Von D:

Chicken and Milk Bomb. Take a disposable tupperware container, fill it 3/4 of the way with milk, put a raw chicken breast into the milk, then seal. Leave in a place near a heater or somewhere he/she won't find it for weeks. Eventually this concoction will form a gas that will force the lid off on its own. From there, the stench of rotting milk and chicken flesh can only be described as "grim death". You might have to smell it too, but pretend it's the smell of victory and you'll be the only one in the office not puking your eyes out.


We hope this didn't help you at all.

Go Spit,

Fridge y RVonD

Quick Haiku Update from R Von D

Today in my class

Sneezed and farted at same time.

Students laughed at me.


Love and Peace,
R Von D

A Real Goddamner of a Weekend

So I've been away for a while except for a little blurb from me and Fridge. The trappings of rural Connecticut have had me dealing with all sorts of things culminating with the festivities that are Parents' Weekend at my school. So as I sit here on my Monday day off watching a Paramore concert on MTV (Price is Right isn't on yet), I figured I'd give you an update.

As I just said, we had Parents' Weekend at my school this weekend. For the most part, things went smoothly, but having been at this for a little while now, there are certain things that go on that most don't know about. Having been an adolescent boy not too long ago, I remember that one of the things I did a lot was lie. Seriously I would lie to girls, lie to my friends, and even people I had no reason to lie to. Now, this is not an indication of the type of person I am, I just think that there is a pressure for young men to be cooler than they actually are, so they embellish stories and genuinely sound like jackasses in the process. The beauty of Parents' Weekend is I get to see how much these little pricks have been lying to their parents. And while most teachers get wood from seeing their teachings pay off, I love the looks on parents' faces when they find out that their little prick son has been lying to them for five weeks. Here are some instances this week. I'll just use arbitrary names for readability sake:

scha·den·freu·de or Scha·den·freu·de (noun)

Definition:

gloating at somebody else's bad luck: malicious or smug pleasure taken in somebody else's misfortune

[Late 19th century. <>]

Mr. Von D: Well Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, I believe that Johnny's struggles in Latin are not from a lack of understanding or anything like that. His issues stem from lack of effort and preparation.

Mrs. Johnson: So, even with the extra help, he's still not preparing for his tests and quizzes?

Mr. Von D: What extra help.

Mr. Johnson: Johnny told us he is seeing you AT LEAST twice a week for extra help.

Mr. Von D: Johnny has not once come to see me for extra help, and has not even asked me to set up a time.

Mrs. Johnson: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, JOHNNY?!

Mr. Johnson: Yeah John, and forgive me Mr. Von D, but that's total bullshit Johnny. We're paying all this money so teachers like Mr. Von D can help you and now you're just wasting my money.

Point of fact; this kid is a total asshole. Nothing made me happier than to sit there and watch him squirm in his seat, staring at the floor, while he was berated by his own parents. I just sat there in my chair, arms folded across my chest, trying not to smile, but inside I felt like a cute little kitty cat was playing with a ball of string in my stomach. Case study number two:

Mrs. Smith: I feel that you are putting unrealistic expectations on my son.

Mr. Von D: With all do respect, Mrs. Smith, I feel like asking a second year student to do his homework on a nightly basis, come to class on time every day, and study for a weekly vocabulary quiz is not asking a whole lot.

Mrs. Smith: Well, um...maybe you can give him less homework.

Mr. Von D (What I actually said): The problem with that Mrs. Smith, is that I teach to an entire class of boys just like Kevin, and they all manage to get their work done. So in that sense, I don't single your son out, he singles himself out by not doing what is asked of him.

Mr. Von D (What I WANTED to say): Lady, I don't come where you work and jump on the bed.

So that was Friday afternoon and Saturday morning for me. Just sitting in my classroom, telling parents how shitty their little rays of sunshine actually were. You'd think that if your parents were spending upwards of around forty thousand dollars to basically not deal with you, you might put forth a little effort. Instead, I get a bunch of speedbags who I basically just have to babysit while their parents drink Heinnikens on Nantucket. As far as I'm concerned, all these yuppy assholes with pink sweaters tied around their necks deserve asshole kids, because when it comes down to it, that shit is encoded in their DNA.

Now, in writing this it has dawned on me just how much pleasure I take in watching asshole kids fail. Let me rephrase that actually, it's not asshole KIDS, it's just assholes in general. My schadenfreude is not age specific. Honest to God I can sit here and watch YouTube videos of little kids falling off their bikes or idiot skateboarders skid on pavement for ten feet on one of their cheeks. I think it's the same reason I can't get enough of those Maury Povich shows with the paternity tests. One time a woman went through twelve guys and still didn't find the father. Think about that for a second. How big of a window are you working with in terms of a pregnancy. Doctors can pretty much get down to the week or two when that baby was conceived. That means this broad slept with no less than thirteen guys in the matter of two weeks, maybe three. That's a dick a day pretty much. So forgive me for gloating that this woman does not have a father for her fat, ugly kid. Am I a dick because I think people get what they deserve? Probably, but fuck 'em...they'd laugh at me too.

To finish off a very productive long weekend, I spent the day yesterday taking clothes I don't wear anymore (ugly sweaters and ripped jeans) to the Salvation Army. I also watched "Blades of Glory" in between the Patriots and Red Sox games, which I watched by myself in slippers, a pair of boxers, and a sweatshirt while eating Life cereal. I think today I'll go to the movies to see "30 Days of Night" by myself because nobody is around to go with me. I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.




Peacefrogs,
R Von D

PS - The girl from Paramore is only hot because she's behind a microphone. Lose the yellow eye shadow and we'll talk.

Romance Advice Care of Your Local Bloggers

Since the C has gone missing in action for the past couple of hours, and we haven’t given our readers much new material in the past few days, Ron Von and I cooked up some answers to a few of the romance questions that have flooded our inbox over the past few weeks. Enjoy.

Dear Pen 15,
I dated this really handsome chap for about 6 weeks this summer. All of a sudden, he broke up with me for what seemed like no reason. What do I do to win him back?

RvD: You should probably lay off the cry-juice and be a Bruin. Also, you sound like the type of girl who needs a man in her life to qualify her own happiness. If this is the case, you should either check the Fridge out on Yahoo personals, or drink bleach....take a lap

Dear Pen15,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. Lately, it hurts me when I pee and my semen smells like feet. Is she cheating on me?

Fridge: No, she is just gross and has never heard of Summer's Eve. Buy her a 12pack of those and ask her to clean herself up.

RvD: Yeah, she's either baking bread or you have the clap...better get some penicillin in your penis-be-illin'.

Dear Pen15,
What should be my course of action if it turns out that all of the dudes that my new girlfriend is friends with obviously despise my existence?

RvD: This is a great question. Here's what I would do. You get in on a prank that they are pulling on her so you become one of them, no matter how mean it is. That way, if she breaks up with you for being a dick, you just made a couple new homies to play Halo 3 or have a circle-jerk with.

Dear Pen15,
I'm a 24 year old female who has spent the better part of the past decade messing with guys' minds. What could I possibly do to get back in the good graces of kind boys like Ron Von and Fridgerino?

RvD: Eiffel Tower....next.

Dear Pen15,
I'm dating a girl who is far too wealthy, far too pretty, and far to smart for me. How do I deal with the fact that I am obviously living a complete lie?

Fridge: Step 1 - Start stealing money from her wallet

Step 2 - Make her eat foods that will make her gain weight. I would suggest starting at Bickfords each day, two mid afternoon snacks at Taco Bell and finish up with dinner at Dairy Queen. They have really horrible cheeseburgers, and you're already there for dessert.

Step 3 - Start making her watch such Pen15 favorites as "Joe Dirt", "Benchwarmers", "South Park", and "Grandma's Boy."

In no time, you two will be on the same plane (financially, looks, smarts) and things will work out perfectly. And also, please feel free to eat a bullet before you start this plan so that I can have a chance with this bird.

Dear Pen15,
Are either of you guys available? Are K-Rock and Hambone single?

Fridge: I'm available if you don’t have a need for footwear in crowded karaoke bars, are under 35, don’t like hot tubs, do like burritos, are not offended by the C word and live by the phrase “the more, the merrier.”

RvD: I'm single if you have a boyfriend who you will cheat on with me.

RvD: K-Rock is single if you have dip

RvD: Hambone is single if you like any of the following:
Meedly-meedlies, video games, food, booze, frequent napping.

Dear Pen15,
What would be the best and most effective ways for me to ascertain a gentleman in my life the caliber of yourselves.

Fridge: You must be a good cook. You must laugh at movie lines that me, Ron Von and KRock find amusing. You must get along with my mother, no questions asked. Please also be named Lauren Conrad and star on The Hills.

RvD: In order to date a professional man of leisure such as R Von D, you must watch the movie roadhouse whilst eating bad chinese food and drinking Jack Daniels. Also, you must fill out the forthcoming R Von D date application and pay the alloted application processing fee (two double cheeseburgers and an oreo McFlurry).

Dear Pen15,
Where do I take a girl out on a first date to let her know I’m really into her?

Fridge: Strip club. I would avoid trendy restaurants at all costs. Because when you find out she’s not into you, you’ll be out a hundo and you won’t have spent that money gathering spank bank material. And if she digs the strip club, you know she’s more than likely what we in the biz call “a keeper.”

RvD: Amen, you're better off making dinner, watching a Pixar movie and pullin' a full-on cuddle hustle.

Dear Pen15,
Why do chubby, sweaty unkempt guys always stare at me in bars, but never approach me?

RvD: Because I'm waiting for you to come talk to me, obviously. Is this that girl from Peddler’s?

Fridge: Because social skills wasn’t an elective at my high school.

Dear Pen15,
I'm really into you guys, but my best friend thinks you're obnoxious...what do we do to fix this?

Fridge: Tell her to take the stick out of her ass and grow a sense of humor. If she fails to comply, I would suggest pushing her into traffic, crying at the funeral, and going out with me post-mortem for some cocktails and dick.

RvD: See, you have to ask yourself this: What is more important? Lifelong friendships or a dozen instances involving fifteen minutes of mediocre sex and an thirty seconds of cuddling and an abrupt exit?

Email us at PenFifteenBlog@GMail.com and we can hash that shit out, proper.

Back On My Grizzy

Coming Soon to the Pen15 Blog:
-Hambone's Review of Halo 3
-My description of why I hate everyone
-An overall review of P State after 1 month of shniz

I've been keeping busy, a lot of paper work

- K-Rock -

Band Names: A Brainstorming Session

So Ron Von Don and I are pretty good at karaoke as all residents of southern New Hampshire, Virginia Beach and Phoenix, AZ know. Our karaoke twosome was given the name "The Karaoke Revue" by a husky man who was the DJ one night at Grand Buffet. He also offered to be our manager if we ever made it big. We think that part of our appeal at karaoke night is that we have a creative name. Imagine if the band Slayer was actually called "Mike and the Mechanics" or something lame like that? It just wouldn't fit!

We have come up with some band names that we find humorous and are heretofore copyrighting for our own future use. If we ever find out that four kids use one of these as their own, we're driving cross country and beating them about the face with my Nike Venom softball bat (34 inch, 30 oz.)


Heavy Metal Category:
HatridPhist
The Pain Deities
Grievous
Ash of Your Flesh
The Heat of Hades
Flamethrower Death Fuck
Beyond Plethora
The Reservoir Tips

2 Man Band/Open Mic Night Category:
Munsonned
Guitarded
Okay Fine
The Shithouse Five (With two band members)

Emo Music Category:
Fat Legs in Stretch Pants
Lumberg Fucked Her
Second Star to the Right and Straight on til Mourning (NOTE THE SPELLING)
Stop the Train
Mad! At My Parents
Wrap Your Fears In My Nightmares
Daddy Come Home

Have a pleasant weekend,
Fridge and RvD

Waltham: A City on The Charles

As some of the readers may know, I recently moved out of my parents basement and into a 3 story duplex in the fighting city of Waltham, Massachusetts. There are two words that describe Waltham best: Blue Collar. On the surface, Waltham has not been much different than my southern New Hampshire hometown. Allow me to bring you some details on my first day here in town.

I spent most of an early September Saturday moving things into this lovely new abode of mine. My new roommate Wang (see the Lake Winnepasaukee blog entries) was most helpful, helping me lug an hdtv, Playstation, several 30 packs of Busch Light, the Hoopmom blanket, and underwear up to my 3rd floor penthouse suite. The move was the mostly inconsequential part of the day. In the mid-afternoon, after we had completed making my new living quarters feel like home (aka hooking up the surround sound and hanging up a Big Lebowski poster) several of our college buddies arrived. We proceeded to walk to the famous Moody Street Mile. For those of you who have not experienced Moody Street, let me do the math for you:

Nashua Main St
+ more bars that serve Pabst
+ attractive 20 somethings
- unattractive, unfriendly 30 somethings
- Christmas Lights on dying trees
+ A Margaritas featuring bartenders that notice you
- A Margaritas featuring bartenders that don't notice you
= Waltham Moody St

We found some steak and pitchers of beer at the underrated Sadie's Saloon. While named a saloon, Sadie's does not yet have those cool split doors. It does however have good food and cheap beer. After we finished dinner, we proceeded to The Skellig. The Skellig is the Waltham equivalent of Peddler's Daughter. Irish bar, loud music that you cannot hear yourself think over and a drunk Fridge acting inappropriately. We watched Clay Buchholz' no-hitter at the Skellig and I drank too much scotch. With 2 outs, I let the entire bar know that I would be buying drinks for the entire audience if he succeeded. After the last pitch I spent half a week's paycheck on Red Bull and Vodka. Not a good idea.

I noticed two late twenties ladies sitting in a booth not paying any attention to me. I approached them and asked why they didn't take me up on my offer of free drinks. They replied "oh, haha we didn't hear you." At this point, I decided that it was my conquest to get some on my first night in town. Big Ron and I spent an hour or so listening to a cover band ruin No Doubt and Matchbox 20 songs and I gained an interest in the younger, less husky, more attractive, more whorish looking of the twosome. Around 1am, the ladies invited Big Ron and I back to their place for some late-night drinking games. At this point, I started sweating profusely and getting the shakes because I thought that me and Big Ron might be "in." When we got back to these ladies' apartment, we played random drinking games for a while and everyone was really enjoying themselves, so we cool.

As I was about to pounce, I noticed a strange flashlight shining in through one of the windows. Then I noticed flashing blue lights out of another window. My first thought was "oh shit, these girls are really 14 and the guy from MSNBC To Catch A Predator is here." My second thought was, "oh shit, Big Ron isn't allowed within 500 feet of females due to that whole Jessica's Law thing." We heard an aggressive knock on the door and all four of us went to the front door. As simply as the Waltham PD could tell us, we found out "You are being entirely too loud for 2:15 in the morning, the neighbors aren't happy." I followed my old college instinct and did the first thing that popped into my head. I ran away. Big Ron and I got down the street and realized we could have made a wiser choice, but oh well. We stopped and bought a horrific amount of Chinese food for two people at one of Moody St's amazing ethnic food joints and proceeded to walk home. When we got home, Big Ron and I found out that our other three visitors and Wang were not as impressed with the smell of Chinese food at 2:45am as we were. We slept, we got hangovers, I called the night a success.

Could I get away with this kind of garbage at my parents house? Probably. But there was something that was fun about not having my roommates/parents to answer to at home.

Night One: SUCCESSFUL




Post Script: Later that week, after being frustrated that my favorite bird from this night hadn't called me, I got a voicemail on my cell phone that sounded something like the following:
"I don't know who you are, or why your phone number is in my girlfriend's phone, but you and your ogre friend need to stay away from her and stop getting the cops to come to her place."
Yes, I was a little intimidated at first, but after relaying this message to Big Ron, I found out that he and a Virginia Beach veteran named Tuba had totally punk'd me I just felt bad about myself, and I came to a realization.

Night One: UNSUCCESSFUL :-(

A Frank and Honest Discussion With Fridge and The C

Fridge: C, I'd like to know why you've shut me down all those times I invited you to come down the hill for a late night visit?

The C: Fridge, you typically invite me down to your lair at around 2 am. Most of the time you can't even find your keys so I doubt you will be able to find my G spot.

The C: Fridge, I'd like to know why you consistently invite your male friends to sports outings, special events, etc.

Fridge: whatever C, I brought you to a wedding, and you just let me pass out sweating in your living room without even an giving me a chance at a late night rendezvous.

Fridge: that's the last time I bring you anywheres

Fridge: remember when you invited me to a semi formal dance at an unnamed college last year, then invited the little angry elf to ruin our date, unless you were going for a little menage action...which you know i'd be down with, i cant speak for the other half of this blog though

The C: Ron Von Don is the type of dude who'd be down for a lil finger cuffs and then smack you five right in the middle

Fridge: admit it, you'd love to go skiing (one pole in each hand) with the revue

The C: I think it would give me a better sense of who you both really are and whether or not you compensate for certain deficiencies if I could hit the slopes

The C: u know u'd both be sizing each other up

Fridge: if you had to take an educated guess

Fridge: who do you think could better fill your womanly needs

The C: well I don't need a soda can here...It doesn't really matter all that much as long as we aren't talking about the elusive pencil dick

The C: but an educated guess based upon hand size/height/general bravado/ethnicity would lead me to guess R Von D

Fridge: elusive? i've lived down the hill from you for twenty years. i'm not that elusive.

The C: I was talking more about the urban legend all girls hear...you go to hook up with a dude and start to get going and its like a pencil

Fridge: that's what i was talking about too.

Fridge: moving on....what was your highlight of this past summer?

The C: Good question Fridge...it would probably have to be R Von Ds birthday

Fridge: how could that possibly be better than my birthday?

The C: someone was so enamored with his new gf that he was forced to show up real late (we were told we were lucky he showed up at all), he stayed 10 minutes and then went home and passed a stone

Fridge: kidney stones are serious business you cunt

Fridge: my favorite part of the summer was after the Brothers McFat's Graduation Party

Fridge: we went to the Garden, you insulted RVD, then proceeded to run down main st with a twisted tea in your hand

The C: you are a mediator

The C: a problem solver if you will

Fridge: that's the second time in 2007 that you've nearly jumped into the nashua river off of that bridge

The C: Fridge

The C: hypothetically

The C: if you were my beau and I got appendicitis, how would you take care of me?

Fridge: we'd head right for the hospital, let the dorks who passed biology figure it out

Fridge: what else would you expect?

The C: would you come visit?

The C: I'd expect flowers, daily visits and tons of TLC

Fridge: i'd rub cocoa butter on your bed sores

The C: would u help me use the bedpan?

Fridge: only if you promised to never get a period again.

The C: don't you want kids?

Fridge: yes, i just want you to be the magic womb that doesnt have to purge once a month

Fridge: I've heard that lame "ragtime" excuse so many times in my life, I never want to hear it again.

Fridge: "Not tonight, it sucks to be a chick this time of the month."

Fridge: "Sorry, Auntie Flow is visiting."

The C: The odds are pretty good

The C: you only have about 75% chance of getting me on a day when Im not entertaining guests

Fridge: so Madame C, if we were to reproduce

Fridge: what would some of the pros and cons be about the genes, personality traits, etc that i would bring to the table

The C: Cons: Our child would have terrible bowel ailments, surely he or she would have a drinking problem and be cursed with a small penis. Additionally, whenever our little bundle of joy made "the window face" I would probably laugh so hard I would drop lil Fridge on his noggin.

The C: Pros: You could be a stay at home father, you probably wouldn't be repulsed when I gained weight around my ass, FUPA and jaw. I wouldn't feel too bad when I lose control of my bowels as you'd have deep empathy for me. Finally...we'd get to do it!!

Fridge: that kid would have the best drinking tolerance and worst taste in the opposite sex on this planet

The C: alright...dress our offspring in their favorite outfits: male and female

Fridge: seeing as my mother tortured me as a youth by making me wear overalls and suspenders on a daily basis, it's time to get back at her by subjecting the fruit of our collective loins to the same

The C: overalls and suspenders at the same time? Daddy likes

Fridge: i can picture a son of mine roaming the world wearing only 100% cotton all the time

Fridge: and a daughter of mine will be dressed head to toe like a devout Muslim, not showing one piece of flesh, because i have friends like ron von don who think dirty thoughts and friends like rboobs who act on dirty thoughts

The C: interesting choice

Fridge: i think some of the readers would like to know why you subject yourself to hanging out with the two main authors of the blog so much

The C: I highly doubt our readers are all that concerned, but I will try the best to make sense of my own insanity.

The C: 1.) I hang out with you Fridge because its usually convenient -- you live within 500 feet from my house when I go to my parents. We have mutual friends when Im at school, so you usually come and visit me. But most importantly, you are the opposite of a hangover...you don't come on quickly and you are gone usually by 8 am the next morning.

The C: 2.) I hang out with Ron Von Don because he is the master of the Internet. He has pretty much seen it all and hes the only person on my buddy list at ALL times of the day -- Im talking 8 am, 4:27 am, 5:30 pm...he sits on his computer and trolls the net.

The C: I know you can't speak for the Baron, but why do you hang out with me?

Fridge: 1. You make me feel stable.
2. You have a mustache.
3. You quote Caddyshack at the most inappropriate times.

The C: Oh wait...I have a real question

The C: one of my friends was orally pleasuring a male that she has had a crush on for quite some time...while in the midst of felating his member, he asked her to stop

The C: please tell me what this means

Fridge: she was probably using teeth

The C: that was a test....she was

Fridge: that is literally the most painful thing ever

The C: wrong

Fridge: fine child birth

The C: yes, but also ...I can guarantee that 85% of men have no idea what they are doing when they trying to orally please a woman

Fridge: i'm well aware of that, that's why i stay away

The C: completely? you gotta at least try or she will think you are selfish

Fridge: fine madame, i'll try next time we are together

The C: ok I want you to

Fridge: well i think we've given the reader enough of an idea of how our social interactions go. anything else you can think of that you want to let the loyal Pen15 reader know?

The C: IM SINGLE

The C: Love Ugly men who treat me bad

The C: and will take any interested men out to dinner. C's Treat.

Fridge: she's lying. I've been trying for years. I am wholly convinced that your purpose for living is to make me feel inadequate and unimportant. That's what a real C does.

The C: not true

The C: Im hurt

The C: u know I love u

Fridge: on that positive note, we'll end this discussion. we'll be debuting a new weekly column on the blog within the next few weeks. fridge and the C will be dishing advice on your troublesome love lives. feel free to hit us up with some questions at penfifteenblog@gmail.com