The Top Five Kenny Loggins Moments In Cinematic History

# 5

“Nobody’s Fool” – Caddyshack 2

Why did this one make the list you ask? The acting sucked, Dan Aykroid sucked, Jackie Mason sucked, Jonathan Silverman has never done anything good outside of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Chevy Chase probably just needed the money, and for all intents and purposes this movie should have never been made. Still, the song has a great synthesizer part to it, which Loggins himself plays on a keytar, and I needed to round out the five without even mentioning the movies “Top Gun” and “Footloose.” That, however, will be discussed later.

#4

“I’m Alright” – Caddyshack

It is almost a given that this song would be in the top five. As far as movie soundtracks go, this is the song that put Kenny Loggins on the map (A fact that is both praiseworthy and damning at the same time because it’s the one that everybody knows). Also, I believe that the opening credits of this movie in which you go from the “Orion” movie title and the ethereal whimperings of Mr. Loggins, to the funk slap-bass immediately after, and then climaxing with the maraca in-time with the sprinkler head in the movie MAY VERY WELL BE the greatest bit of film editing done this century and should have one an Oscar.

#3

“Meet Me Halfway” – Over the Top

Here, Kenny Loggins provides a touching father-son moment in this ballad. In the Stallone epic “Over the Top”, Stallone’s truck-driving character Link Hawk is reunited with his estranged son who is in the custody of his well-to-do father-in-law. Hawk then kidnaps his son, teaches him how to drive, and has several touching moments with a kid he pretty much has never seen. All of this in a movie about arm-wrestling. Seriously, how good of a writer do you have to be in order to pen an entire movie script about arm wrestling? Furthermore, how the CHRIST do you come up with a sappy ballad to accompany such a movie and make it even better? Bravo, Mr. Loggins, bravo.

#2

“Danny’s Song” - Wet Hot American Summer

While this song is on the soundtrack to Wet Hot American Summer, it was not sung by Loggins himself in the movie. When Victor Pulak (played by the ever-dashing Ken Marino of The State and “Louie” fame) leaves a van full of campers and another counselor behind to have sex for the first time, he helps quicken his ride by singing this Loggins and Messina classic until he is interrupted by crashing the van head-on into a tree. Priceless. What’s better is the subsequent chase scene that had me in stitches and I actually had to replay about four times, but I would argue that the whole catalyst for this scene is “Danny’s Song.” Without that song and the “OH FUCK!” that follows, the scene wouldn’t hold any water.

#1

“Mr. Night” – Caddyshack

Before I ever saw the pool scene in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” (which featured the song “Never Surrender” WRITTEN by Kenny Loggins on the soundtrack), there was the unparalleled Caddyshack pool scene in which the Caddies are allowed to swim in Bushwood Country Club’s pool for fifteen minutes (1:00-1:15) on “Caddy Day.” If I were to be so bold here, I will say that this is the first time in my life that I saw exposed breasts in film, a moment which I hold dear to my own heart. There are so many things that are good about this scene that I’m having a hard time sitting still writing this. There is nudity, swearing, hot girls doing swan dives, fighting, crotchety old women, fat guys sucking in their stomachs when a hot chick walks by, and finally what is thought to be a “doodie” in the pool. All of this set to probably one of the greatest Kenny Loggins songs ever. Furthermore, this scene was so good that the people at Family Guy even parodied its’ greatness. You know that if Seth McFarlane takes notice of you, you really did something supremely noteworthy.

Now, before you all fly off the handle and cry about “Top Gun” and “Footloose” here are some things you should consider. “Footloose” is an absolute joke of a movie. I remember seeing it for the first time and thinking “my God, this is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen. What kid gets mad at a preacher then goes to an abandoned barn to dance his sadness away and slam his fists on the hood of his Beetle?” Oh yeah, I thought all of this and I was five. So how could grown people find it to be a cool way to rid one’s self of some teenaged angst? Then there’s Top Gun. In my eyes, there are two groups of people who find this movie watchable: sexually confused frat-boys and girls. The first group thinks the movie is “bad ass” and they try their best to convince you that the volleyball scene (featuring “Playin’ With the Boys” by Kenny Loggins) is not gay at all. Keep telling yourselves that, now try to explain the near-kiss between Maverick and Iceman, douche. Girls, on the other hand think Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are sexy. If you try to convince me that this is a good movie, I’ll kill your life. Also of note, the song “Danger Zone” is not all that lame, but has the LAMEST, MOST HOMOEROTIC video I have ever seen, and shall never be spoken of again.

Peace in yo crease,

R Von D