The Seemingly Innocuous Things That Infuriate The Pen15 Club

1. Yawning too loudly:

All of you work in an office, a classroom, or live with somebody who does this. Being in education, I can tell you that nothing sticks in my craw more than a kid hitting me with an obnoxiously loud yawn five minutes into class. What gets me even more is the other day I was sitting in the car with a woman who I didn’t know. In a ten minute car ride, we got three obnoxiously long and loud yawns followed by “num num num” each time. What the shit is that? I wish I could demonstrate this if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Also, if I’m close enough to you to smell your breath, you’re gonna hear about it. I hate everyone.

2. Shortening words or Combining Words
   

You aren’t clever, you’re not cute…cut the shit. I will say right now that I hate Rachel Ray. Nothing she does is any good. Many people don’t know this, but she’s not even an accredited chef. I heard her being interviewed and she kept talking about how she has no training, just liked to cook when she got home from work and left bowls of whatever outside her neighbors doors. You think that’s cute, I think that’s creepy. Get a husband, and not one that pays prostitutes to spit on them like the one you already have, creepshow. I bet she just sat in her kitchen when she was younger, made some banana bread and sobbed while watching a Lifetime movie about a young girl getting pregnant. Also, what's the deal with all the body-suits? That aside, shortening words like “obvi” and putting two words together like “fantabulous” and “ginormous” makes you sound like a douche. Not only that, but I’m furious right now that my spell check actually recognizes the word “fantabulous.”

3. Women who like men who wear pink:

I’ve heard more than one woman drone on about how they like men who wear pink “because it shows that they’re comfortable with themselves.” Guys who wear pink are like the “guitar guy at the party.” They are making the decision to do what they do because they want you to notice. They want you to think that they’re comfortable with themselves enough to wear pink. Now, the only other people who like pink on guys other than the ones who think they’re “brave” are yuppy assholes, another group of people I have no use for. These are people who don’t go on vacation, they “summer.” They can name everybody famous that they “prepped with” and typically have never been in a fist fight and drink nothing but vodka tonics.

4. Wilmer Valderamma

Wilmer has made a career out of wearing funny clothes and making a silly voice on a TV show. You know who else did that? A little guy named Jaleel White. Who is Jaleel White you ask? He played Urkel. Did you ever see Urkel getting with Lindsay Lohan and whoring around Hollywood? No. Urkel had class and was a nasty one-guard for the Bricklayers in the “MTV Rock and Jock B-Ball Games.” He even crossed up Tim Hardaway once. Now that says something. Not being good at anything except talking with a lisp does nothing for me. Also, have you seen that show “Yo Mama?” Is that not the worst thing you’ve ever seen? Why does Wilmer have his car parked behind him all the time? These are things you should be asking yourself.

5. Girls Who Wear Pink Red Sox Apparel

So you’re doing your boyfriend a favor and going to a game with him? That’s nice of you. I’m sure he really appreciates you making that sacrifice for him. But, you will not be deterred in “looking cute” even at a sporting contest with other fans who pride themselves on being pissed off all the time. So, you jumping up and down every time David Ortiz is up because you “LOOOOOOOOVE Big Papi” is probably not a good idea. Also, don’t refer to the team as “we,” as in “Oh are we winning?” Pink shirts don’t count as uniforms; you’re not on the team. Get a navy blue or red shirt then we’ll talk. Look and act like you’ve been there before. I only say this because I have never in my life seen anybody wear a pink Yankee shirt, and you have no idea how bad you’re making the rest of us look. Don’t make us look soft in front of Yankee fans.

6. People Chewing With Their Mouth Open

I realize that feeding time can be a time for relaxation, rest, respite, and any other R word that sounds fun and calming. But do me a favor...we're all adults here...chew with your g-d mouth CLOSED. The sound of lettuce crunching against a blackened piece of chicken is not something I'm wholly interested in. Maybe I was raised correctly, maybe you're just a toolbox, but fix the way you act before I go postal.

7. Females with Morals, Values and Standards

Cman, I'm not THAT bad looking, smelling, etc.

8. People who refer to their sports team as "we."

Mostly callers to sports talk radio here, these tortured souls find it necesarry to include themselves in every move the Celtics, Red Sox, or Patriots make. "We got Gagne, but we couldn't get Jermaine Dye." Paying for a bleacher seat once a season does not make you a valued member of the Red Sox front office, moron.

9. Beer Snobs

Just because you smell your own farts (and enjoy it) doesn't mean you all have to shove your multi-syllabic named lagers down our throat. Bud. Pabst. Natty. Stones. These are the types of names that beers should have. Nobody wants to hear about how frothy your raspberry lambic hefeweizen lageraledraughtstaught is. Drinking is supposed to be a personal, private, shameful moment (at least it is for the Pen15Club in the places we frequent.) The next person I see at a Red Sox game ordering a Guinness or Smithwick's is getting a hot dog thrown at them.

10. MySpace Viruses

For the love of all that is holy in this world, all MySpacers need to band together and let each other know when a friend, a foe, someone in your Top 8 has a virus. Put aside the fact that she commented on your boyfriend's pictures. We have to rid MySpace of this, if only for my sanity. I've seen more fake South Park characters this month than I know what to do with. No Conor, I do not want to look at Funny Adult Cartoons either. I personally think that if we can conquer MySpace viruses, world peace and time travel can't be far behind.

With hate in our hearts,
Ron Von Dizzle, K-Rock, El Frigorifico