The Pen15 End of Summer Re-Cap

R Von D's Official Statement: "It Never Got Weird Enough For Me."

Tomorrow, I will be leaving the friendly confines of Nashua, NH and I will resume my post as Classical Languages Chair in rural Patheticut. As I have stated prior, this summer has been hedonistic voyage for me fraught with the unapologetic mockery of others devoid of any vocation. Please understand that somebody like me has to do as much living as possible throughout the summer months before the humdrum existence of being a boarding school teacher wraps its icy fingers around my livelihood, thus causing it to shrink. Looking back though, I can't help but feel that this was the best summer of my adult life, and I wish to recap the entire summer for you in superlative form with the help of my Pen15 brethren.



Fridge's Official Statement: "I've been swimming in raw sewage all summer long. I LOVE IT."




This weekend, I'll be moving out of my parents house to head to the fighting city of Waltham. This summer has been interesting for me. I didn't vomit once, which leads me to believe that I've either gotten a bigger tolerance or I didn't drink enough. I also was told on more than one occasion that I was "looking thin." I dont know if these people are telling me I used to look like Vince Wilfork or if they're just trying to be nice, but I know I had self-esteem galore this summer and that lead to a generally more enjoyable experience for the past 3 months. Enjoy the following. If there are any inside jokes you don't get, too bad. (Also, I'm sorry I didn't use words with syllables as big as Mr. Monday Night did above.)

K-Rock Official Statement: "Let's go to the bar, get some drinks, see what's goin on"

I'm heading up to school for my senior year on Sunday. My goals for the year are to pay little attention to school work, get in better shape, and win the Division III Rugby National Championship. I'm going to accomplish this by drinking a lot of gin and watching as much college football as I can. I'll try to come up with some cool shit while i'm up there. I will also work on expanding my vocabulary so I can read what R Von D wrote above.

Best Car Accident: Lance Briggs

Lance "I woulda refused a breafalyza" Briggs took out a telephone pole then ran away from his $350,000 mess. Commander Goodell has yet to deport Briggs for the above action, Lance has also bought 3 new Lance-brighinis.

Worst Car Accident: Ron Von Don vs. Unknown Woodland Creature

Ron Von takes out a small animal. Drunk K-Rock riding shotty doesn't flinch. RVD has to file insurance claim due to horiffic damage. Hilarity does not ensue.

Best Party: The Lea Brothers Graduation Party

Whiffle ball, karaoke, drunk people, and a dunk tank. If you can beat that kind of party, I'd love to see you try.

Best Karaoke Performance: "Rebel Yell" - The Revue

No contest.

Worst Karaoke Performance: "I Touch Myself"

No comment necesarry. If you were at the Buffet and as uncomfortable as Fridge was, you know why.

Best Round of Mini-Golf: The Fridge

While aided by a Norman-esque meltown on the back nine by R Von D, Fridge was lights out during one "adventure themed" golf session, scoring three hole-in-ones on the back nine alone, and thus beating all other competitors by no less than seven strokes. All of this while having the worst sunburn known to man. Seriously, his face looked like it was made entirely of testicle skin.

Best Addition to the Skoal Family: Citrus Blend

Of the gods.

Worst Dancer: The C

We all know the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is, to her surprise, dubbed a horrible dancer. Picture the "little kicks" and then add senseless jumping up and down and screaming...that's how the C dances. Awful...just awful. Every time the C dances, God creates a new infectious disease. Don't let her do it.

Best Mack-Sesh: Fridge on the pregnant chick.

Bonus points for her being completely hammered while bearing seed and not being able to afford a cell phone. Also, the only mack session in history to be successful after a full beer was dumped on one's head.

Best Summer Drink: Miller Chill

We were going to call this category "Best Beer" but as Dana Complaina pointed out to us, this wonderful Celada Style Beer is actually found in the "malt beverages" section next to Smirnoff Ice and Twisted Teas. No matter, this stuff is unreal and goes really well with Tostitos.

Most Hot Dogs Eaten In A Single Sitting: Six and a half by Big Ron - Bad Dawgs

While not a record breaking endeavor, Big Ron eating five of his own hot dogs and then eating the one hot dog Wang couldn't finish horrified not only us, but the small children sitting beside us.

Best Use of a Taser: N/A

Worst Use of a Taser: DJ Dougie

I hate you Dougie and I hope you get hit by a Mack Truck.

Best Bar: Club OG

Cocktails mixed with Monster Energy drinks, Scorpion Bowls, little pudgy men kissing R Von D and Fridge on top of the head, a cage for dancing and Barnacle Bill all set in scenic Weirs Beach, NH. If I died today of a massive coronary, I'd rather go to Oriental Gardens than Heaven...there I said it.

Best Jersey Purchased: Carl Crawford, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Good work doughboy.

Best Use of Livestock: K-Rock and the Goat

Proving it's never "too early for goats," K-Rock culminated Wilkipalooza by throwing live goats into people's tents and shutting the door while they were still sleeping. How he managed to catch a goat at 8:00 am while still drunk and on two hours sleep will forever remain a mystery to us all.

Worst Use of Livestock: Fridge and Domn8r at the Yee

The entire lack of shame and standards inherit throughout this endeavor will forever be something of legend. Gave new meaning to the term "goin' hoggin'."
Fridge's note: (I will be marketing t-shirts in the coming weeks bearing the slogan I PLAYED WINGMAN FOR DOM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS CRAPPY T-SHIRT.)

Best Drink Promotion: "Kick the Keg" at Penuche's

$1.50 drafts until the keg is gone. Honestly what better way to get people arrested on the way home.

Best Drunk Dial: Conor "the King of Manchester":

You're just going to have to trust me on this one. In a word: epic.

Worst Brokeback Experience: Fridge Lathers Ron Von Don

There is nothing cool about rubbing SPF 30 into one of your regular pal's backs.

Worst Use of Sleeves: Hefe

It's summer, it's hot, you're in a crowded bar sweating, but you feel like you need to at least wear a tshirt with sleeves on it because you're embarassed about your scrawny arms. Not Hefe. This kid would go cut-off on an arctic expedition. Our friends are hard to the core, core to the rotten, jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton.

Best Blog: Pen 15 Club

Worst Blog: Chronicles of Duke

Angriest Sober Person: K-Rock

The amount of joy we all felt when K-Rizzle finally got drunk this summer is indescribable. You could actually see the bitterness and sarcasm melt away from his face, his arms came uncrossed and he finally started to enjoy his life. Big shout out to Hambone and Wilkipalooza for helping K-Rock be himself again.

Angriest Drunk Person: Baron Von D

When I'm sober I tolerate you. When I'm drunk I loathe the very thought of you. I will add though that after a truly Bacchanalian Summer such as this one (please look that word up) I have decided to go "dry" until the night before Thanksgiving. Recently I have learned that it's not socially acceptable to bite aluminum cans in half. For one, it makes me look like a complete psycho. Also, it provokes other people, fat annoying dipshit people, to attempt this and cut their mouths open. You're not as cool as me.

Best Web Gem: Hambone's Faceplant

Hambone impaled himself into the ground at Amherst Middle School laying out for a fly ball to right field. It was hilarious. I mean half the people there wet themselves hilarious.

Best Stomach Evacuation of the Summer: K-Rock vs. the Scorpion Pitcher

One time K-Rock had too many scorpion bowls and vomited everywhere. He didn't clean it up or flush the toilet. He acted real surprised when Mrs. K-Rock informed him of his actions the next day. K-Rock had another internal debate regarding the merits of a Month of Detox. Detox lost.

Best Insult: "You Fat Mess"

Used liberally throughout the summer to anyone and everyone. Nobody was safe from the Pen15 Club's signature insult. Male, female, doesn't matter. You knew that at some point you had this phrase coming your way. If you never heard us say this to you directly, it is more than likely how we referred to you when you weren't around or just simply out of earshot.


While we at the club will continue to post over the course of the year, we are sad to see our first summer as a team go. Yet, we look forward to more posts, more writers to come (including Hambone) and new shit to be angry about. Thanks to all of you for your continued support. Now get back to work, you fat mess.

See you in hell,
The Pen15 Club