MTV Gets The Good Ol' Rub 'N Tug From Tila Tequila

So here’s the thing:

I’m sitting in my apartment the other day waiting for this “Life of Ryan” show to come on. Admittedly, I was hoping that my dreams were realized and that the ridiculous nature of my life was simply fodder for a new reality show that I was unaware of. Sadly, it’s a show about some kid named Sheckler who whines for a half hour at a time about his parents being divorced…weak. I would have made better use of a reality television show called “Life of Ryan”…just sayin’. The point of this though is as I was watching this show, arms folded and with my trademark scowl across my face, I saw a commercial for a show called “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila.” For those of you who are not privy to who this girl is. She’s a little sprite of an Asian with boobs larger than her head. She also has the distinction of having the most friends on both Friendster and Myspace. I like to think that she is relevant only because most guys have a touch of the “yellow fever” as I call it. As odd as that may sound, ask any guy who is honest and he will tell you that he finds Asian girls attractive. Just last year there was a big prostitution sting in Northwest Connecticut at a massage parlor. Apparently backs and calves were not the only things getting smoothed out by the young Asian girls who were illegally employed by said establishment. In fact, I was sitting at lunch with some of my friends when this story hit the news. And instead of being appalled or laughing, all of us were pissed off that nobody told us about this place. Again, I’m not sayin’…but I’m just sayin’.

So what is the point of all of this? It seems as though Miss Tequila has thrown a wrinkle in the playbook that is reality TV dating shows. Instead of just inviting sweaty old men and slick looking guidos with open shirts, she has decided to make hers a bisexual dating show. That’s right; she’s going to have sixteen women and sixteen men contesting for her love and affection. While you may see this as good television, I would state the following. I know that a girl is going to win on this television show. I know this because that’s the only way people will watch it. Let’s take a more critical look at what is going on.

Presumably everybody has been to a party where alcohol is involved. From the time I was eighteen until about twenty-four, parties did not change all that much. We had the people who got way too drunk and started a fight, whether it was verbal or physical. There were the people who got way too drunk and threw up and passed out where nobody could find them (one time I had a roommate pass out in the snow). Then there were the people like me who participated in the party, but also took stock of everything that was going on to mock people the next day. And finally, there was the girl who thought it was awesome to make out with other girls while dudes cheered them on. Sound all too familiar? This show is one of those parties for a twelve week period. And as a person who has attended those parties, I will tell you…girls making out with each other gets old, I don’t care how hot they are. Sure the first time you see it, it’s exciting because it’s just like one of those movies you stole from your older brother. But after a while, you become desensitized to the faux sexuality inherent therein.

I see the world like this. There are straight people, and there are gay people, everybody else who claims to be “bisexual” is an attention whore. Tila Tequila, the little blonde Asian girl whose parents probably made her play violin when she was younger does not like girls, she likes attention. And she’s smart enough (probably because of her strict upbringing) to know that you as Americans will watch TV if it is even hinted that girls will be making out with each other. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll know who Tila Tequila is after the show is over. Apparently this chick has over two million Myspace friends and I’ve never heard of her. What does that tell you?

In closing, I will say people like Bret Michaels, Flava Flav, “New York”, and Tila Tequila encompass everything that is wrong with this country. Do me a favor. If you want to see girls making out, do what the rest of us do; hit up the world wide interweb, watch for fifteen minutes, give yourself some bat and be done with it, and then take a monster nap. That is the American way, which is also the R Von D way.

Wanna make out,

Rizzle Von-izzle Dizzle

ps - Fridge heart fat Britney