Hey India, WTF?!

So here I am, scouring the net during class time when I'm supposed to be teaching and I find this:

Now, to the untrained eye, one sees a seemingly happy Indian family, with the father looking like he needs a drink. Not too far off from any normal American family right? Take a closer look, the little one there, the girl, has eight, yes eight arms and legs. That broad with the dot on her head gave birth to a human squid. Honest to God when I read the headline I thought I was going to see Stewie from Family Guy, the one where the world ends at Y2K and they have to find the Twinkee factory. If you haven't seen that episode, just picture Stewie Griffin's head on a purple squid body. I couldn't find a google image to accompany what I was trying to do so back off...now back to what I was talking about.

So I read on and found out that this girls extra arms and legs were actually a part of a headless conjoined twin. Seriously, that is some shit I've seen in B-Horror movies my whole life. Not only that, but the doctors who were interviewed on MSNBC claim that despite the extra arms and legs, the girl was "totally normal." Is that right, professor? I think the fact that she looks like Dr. Octopus (a name that is even funnier given the fact that her conjoined twin is coming out of that region. Not sayin', but I'm just sayin'.) makes her the LEAST normal person in the world. The article went on about how there was a marathon surgery to get the extra body parts off of her, yadda yadda yadda.

But this got me thinking, this wasn't the first time I had seen something like this. I used to watch that show Ripley's Believe it or Not and that shit was littered with Indian people. I honestly do not get what they are putting in the water over there to produce an inordinate amount of weirdos. Take this guy for example.

This is Sanju Bhagat. He comes from Nangpur India. You might think to look at Sanju that he either needs to lay off the Miller High Life, or he is the first pregnant man you have ever seen. Well, my dear reader, you are not that far off. You see, Mr. Bhagat has been housing the mutated body of his twin inside of himself for thirty-six years. Yes, he has his fucking twin inside of him. Not only that, but read this:

“To my surprise and horror, I could shake hands with somebody inside,” he said. “It was a bit shocking for me.” One doctor recalled that day in the operating room.

“He just put his hand inside and he said there are a lot of bones inside,” she said. “First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair.” Inside Bhagat’s stomach was a strange, half-formed creature that had feet and hands that were very developed. Its fingernails were quite long.

At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat’s twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin’s blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.

Seriously you have got to be fucking kidding me. Have you ever seen that movie "The Thing" if not, check this shit out, and this is what I'm picturing right now:

Note to self: Whenever you find yourself in India, arm yourself with a flamethrower, or just take a young Kurt Russel with you, and tell HIM to bring the flamethrower. I think the responsible thing to do would be to go over there with him and make sure no bear-trapped stomachs are being outsourced as our customer service representatives anymore. All I'm sayin' is I don't want to bail all of you out with the millions upon millions of these people start making their way over here with hidden people on their person, either that or we should charge them two plane tickets or something. Better yet, why don't we just put a huge circus tent over the entire country and I'll stand on a little box with my red petticoat and take two dollars from you to come in and see the show. They have elephants over there anyway right?

And one more thing: "CHOCOLATE RAAAAAAAAIN! SOME STAY DRY AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN. CHOCOLATE RAAAAAAAAAIN!" - Tay Zonday

I'll leave you with this, just so you know I'm not totally down on all Indian people. Here are some great examples of what they have offered me over the past couple of months:








**I move away from the mic to breathe in,
R Von D (aka Spicy Curry)