More Advice From The Last Two People On Earth You Want It From

Since our readers were so impressed with our romance advice and found it so useful, we've broadened our horizons and are now offering advice on all walks of life.


TO THE EMAILS!!



Dear Pen15 Club,
I'm writing a resume for the first time and thought it was really tough trying to come up with the skills portion. What type of skills would you include on your resume?

Fridge:

My skills include:
- Creating Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches.
- Making social interaction with females awkward.
- Getting sunburned.

R Von D:

Other than the fact that I can type over 100 words per minute, I like to tell potential bosses that I can kill them with one punch. Also, I like to tell them that I can handle two women at the same time. This shows them I have the ability to be a "valued member" of a team (that's what she said) and have the ability to multitask and delegate responsibilities.


Dear Pen15 Guys,
Why do guys always say they're going to call and then never do?

Fridge:
Because you gave me a fake number. Is this that girl from The Skellig?

R Von D:
Probably because you didn't put out. Either that or you did put out, and you raked. Learn some manners.



Dear Fridge and RVonD (and that guy who used to write for this thing, I forget his name),
If you lost your hetero-lifemate/co-author, what would you do?

Fridge:

I'd build a Ron Von out of cottage cheese and other assorted meats and cheeses and cart him around like he was the real thing. I don't have problems with reality.


R Von D:

Firstly, what kind of question is this? Hey Pen15...if your family was in a serious car accident, your whole family, who would you want to survive? Grow up. All I know is if my man-slave died, my life would have to be all about hitting on girls, being socially aware and polite to people, and that's just not a world I want to be a part of.



Dear Pen15 Studs,

A lot of my friends are graduating from colleges, grad schools and getting married and having kids. I've been spending a lot of time considering all the fun I've had with my friends over the past few years? What is your top moment?


Fridge:

About 5 Christmases ago, Booski had a formal party at his house. Ron Von was videographing the entire thing and we snuck in on our friend ffeH while he was diddling the Doppler Effect. Once ffeH caught wind of 8 dudes standing in the corner of the Champagne Room watching this, he became very perturbed with us and chased us all through Booski's house. Ron Von and I hid outside in the bushes while ffeH choked out a dozen people and we giggled the entire time.


R Von D:

That was awesome. Mine was the same moment, but more specifically the way the girl in question (who was wearing a very fancy negligee by the way, very odd for a 16 year-old by the way) shrieked "OH MY GEEYOD!" once she saw me and Fridge in the doorway. Also, the sound of Fridge giggling as we filmed from outside was priceless.



Dear Pen15,
What is the ideal way to tell my child that there is no Santa Claus?

Fridge:

Shoot a deer. Put a red nose on it. Cut its' head off. Place head in the child's bed on Christmas morning like they did in The Godfather. Problem solved.

R Von D:

Slap him in the head, tell him to finish his steak because it'll put hair on his ass. Then, tell him to "be a Bruin" and make him do laps around the house until he stops crying. You should probably expect to pay a significant amount of therapy bills, but hey, beats payin' for his ballet lessons.



Dear Fridge,
Why do you blast horrible devil music out of your cube at work? You're disturbing everybody, and you are now offensive to all five senses.


Fridge:

Rather than killing you all or bringing a semi-automatic weapon to the office, I vent by tapping my feet to the double bass drums of death metal. If you have a problem with that, take it up with Ronny James Dio.



Dear Pen 15,
I've been struggling to find a quote for my Facebook profile that will impress people, any suggestions?


Fridge:

Ladies: Rather than picking some Colby Callatt song lyric or some lame ass line about how stupid guys are from Sex + The City (I'd hit SJ Parker, just sayin') I would go with something like "Don't ever leave me, cause I find you!" Any man worth his weight in goldt will a) be amused because it's from a great piece of American cinema and b) not be scared off because that chick was hot.

Guys: We get it Scarface, we understand you "have the world coming to you, chico." Find something that really hits at the heart of how challenging life can be. I would suggest "It's easy to grin, when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile, is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat."

R Von D:

"See, chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear...and when I do it's usually something unusual."
-Bill Murray in "Stripes" and R Von D to Fridge over several Miller High Lifes.

Dear Pen15 Men,

My boyfriend is a bit of a hairy beast, a Sasquatch, if you will. His chest looks likes one of Dr. Huxtable’s best sweaters. And I love it. The thing is, he is very self conscious and insists that I nair his entire body fortnightly. Now I love my man and would do anything for him, but the smell of the nair and the sight of his hairless body makes me want to vom. All I want to do is rub my face in a chest full of hair, but every time I tell him this he calls me a liar and locks himself in the bathroom. What do I do?

Sincerely, Nair-Free in CT


Fridge:

Dear Nair-Free in CT,
Drop that zero and get with the hero
Love Fridge
PS: I haven't shaved anything on my entire person since I was 13. It's a veritable forest down there.
PPS: Except for my head. Hair on top of the head is distracting and often forces guys to use "product" which is illegal in manly countries like Hungary.
PPSS: Please feel free to groom yourself before we "know" one another.

R Von D:

Thank you for your question, madame. Look at it this way, you don't want to be dating a guy who doesn't want to feel like a man. I like looking into the mirror in the morning and admiring the squirrel pelt between my nipples. If your man ain't into it, then he ain't shit. Also, if you're into hairy guys, grizzled, burly men, please email us at penfifteenblog@gmail.com, or answer Fridge's personal ad on craigslist.

Dear Fridge and R Von D,
My boss has been driving me nuts at work lately. Any suggestions on some subtle ways to drive him to insanity?

Fridge:

I would start alternating referring to him as "Pig Vomit" and "Lumberg." Those two names carry enough horrific connotation to drive a sane man to jump out of his own office window.


R Von D:

Chicken and Milk Bomb. Take a disposable tupperware container, fill it 3/4 of the way with milk, put a raw chicken breast into the milk, then seal. Leave in a place near a heater or somewhere he/she won't find it for weeks. Eventually this concoction will form a gas that will force the lid off on its own. From there, the stench of rotting milk and chicken flesh can only be described as "grim death". You might have to smell it too, but pretend it's the smell of victory and you'll be the only one in the office not puking your eyes out.


We hope this didn't help you at all.

Go Spit,

Fridge y RVonD