A TRULY RENAISSANCE “C”

This fall I had the opportunity to visit an entertainment venue that tops all others I have visited in my short 24 years on this planet, western New England’s pride – KING RICHARD’S FAIRE. For those of you unfamiliar with the Faire (yes the extra “e” is needed to ensure visitors are aware the park is old-timey), the website describes it as “a vivid recreation of a 16^th century English marketplace at festival time. Actors, dancers, puppeteers, jugglers, minstrels, mimes, magicians and musicians perform each weekend for the favor of his Royal Highness King Richard.” In layman’s terms, King Richard’s Faire was a breeding ground for weirdoes and perverts. Know those kids who got really into playing dungeons and dragons in the 80s and 90s? Well they grew up and spend their autumn weekends at the Faire.

Until my visit, I was unaware of the term “LARPing”—which stands for “Live Action Role Playing” or someone who enjoys acting out fantasy stories. LARPing abounded at King Richard’s Faire. I was unsure whether the majority of people at the park were actually employees or just a bunch of middle-aged virgins who had got all gussied up to enter a play world and play make-believe for an afternoon. Regardless, everywhere I looked I had the distinct impression that I was surrounded by people who had forgotten to take their meds. For my own informational purposes, I surveyed the “boothes” (yes another old timey “e”) to familiarize myself with the cost of LARPing. Believe you me, LARPing is NOT an inexpensive past time. Most of the costumes cost no less than 500 dollars. When you top your outfit off with the obligatory chalice, some ornate weaponry made of foam rubber, and of course other needed gizmos and gadgets, you are lucky to get off for less than a G. But think of what you gain -- The chance to enter a secret real life “World of Warcraft” land where you run around in tights and blow powder in wizards’ faces.

Now you may be asking yourself why I decided to subject myself to such an odd venue on my free Saturday. The answer is simple – I was tempted by the ax throwing, the unlimited meade, and the novelty of the park. Armed with 5 alcoholic dudes (sadly, none of which were R Von D and the Fridge) at my side, I figured, what is the worst that can happen? Needless to say, loud, obnoxious, drunk twenty-somethings stand out like a sore thumb in a re-creation of the Renaissance. For instance, while watching the last joust of the afternoon, one of my companions was on his 10^th yard of ale. A large female teenager dressed from head to toe in black velvet Renaissance gear started taunting my clearly intoxicated pal. (Think the “freaks” who used to hang out all Friday night at the mall – you know, black lipstick, black fingernails, chains, the works. Only these teenagers had channeled their freakiness into the historical outlet that is King Richard’s Faire). My pal’s quick-witted response “Let me pull out my sword and slay your dragon.” Just an example of the type of “humour” which was not welcomed at King Richard’s Faire.

Overall, I would not have been so disappointed in my afternoon if it were not for two things:

1.) The toilets. Since toilets obviously did not exist in the 16^th Century, King Richard’s Faire opted to maintain accuracy by placing toilets in old motorhomes as far away from the rest of the park as humanly possible. Not only did these small, overcrowded facilities reek like the dickens, but they were small and unsanitary. Thank you King Richard’s Faire for giving me a real memento from Medieval times, Syphilis.

2.) The highway robbery. Riddle me this, since when did everything in the 16^th Century cost you an arm and a leg? Not only did I have to pay 25 dollars to enter the park, but once inside I was forced to buy tickets in $5.00 increments in order to purchase food and drink. Since the geniuses who devised the entertainment venue know how to really swindle their patrons, none of the delicacies actually cost $5 or $10. Thus, I was left with $3 worth of extra tickets I had superfluously purchased. And if this were not bad enough, pretty much all the rides, exhibits and games (essentially any way to pass the time amid the LARPers) cost more and more modern day American dollars.

I left King Richard’s Faire a little poorer, a little wiser, and a lot more frightened of the people who spend their weekends in Wal-Mart parking lots pretending to be a level 15 night elf with the ability to self-heal.

Ha-ZAH!

The C