Let me first start off by stating that all of us apologize for our absence the past few weeks. The drubbings of the holiday season had caught up to all of us and we couldn't find the time in between hangovers to get after our own site...but no more of that my dear reader.
Some thoughts on the holidays:
Since I was a kid, it has been beaten into my head that I have to be nice to everybody from the day after Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. For just over a month, it was my duty as a human being to go out of my way to be nice to everybody. For any of you who have read anything I have posted on this site for the past 9 or so months, you know that this is not my style. Still, I find little pockets of time to be nice to people, wish them a happy holiday season, and even point out where I'm parked when somebody is looking for a spot...but no more. Now in my mid-twenties, it is apparent to me that the holiday season is seen by everybody on Earth as a free pass to be a complete asshole to everybody else. Some examples for you:
I'm trying to get my dad one of those toasters that has a compartment to cook an egg so he can make breakfast sandwiches. My mother, God bless her, gave me some inside information that they were on sale at Target. So I go to Target, muscle my way through the throng of assholes and degenerates, and make my way to the "Kitchen" section which is located on the second floor, way in the back corner. To my dismay, I failed to see the appliance I was seeking on the shelves. It was time to call in reinforcements. Unfortunately, help came in the form of a 300+ pound woman with greasy hair and missing one of her front teeth. I didn't know if this woman had ever cooked a meal in her life, but she was my only hope in finding the perfect, albeit gross, Christmas present for my father. So I asked her if they had what I was looking for, went into detail about what it looked like and whatnot, and I was met with nothing but a blank stare and bad, fat lady, breath. She then asked me if it was with the toasters, I said no. She asked me if I looked in the toaster section, I said yes.
She said "it wasn't there?" and I said no.
"Then we don't have it," she said.
"Do you think you have any in the back?"
After a long pause, and not even a ounce of effort later, she said "No."
Now, If you're the type of person is hired at Target as holiday help, you'd think that you'd be happy to have a job for a month and a half. You'd think that two days before Christmas, you'd be spreading cheer around the best you can and helping people who need your help. But apparently "fuck that" right? You want to be miserable and fat and gross and smell like an old shoe. Fuckin' people.
Some random holiday thoughts:
-Having a baby stroller does not give you the right of way. Say thank you when people let you go past, and don't ram it into my ankles. It's your baby not a shopping cart you dumb prick.
-People are looking for parking spots. People will sometimes follow you when they see you are leaving. Get your shit and your car and leave. Don't take your time, smoke a cigarette or whatever. Get in, get out just like you'd do if you were made to have sex with the fat lady from Target.
-Have a purpose. Don't just wander around aimlessly when more focused shoppers are trying to get around you. Do not stop suddenly and try to turn around or R Von D is going to knock you on your ass then spit on you as you piss yourself on the floor while you are being stepped on by the proles from Lowell, Mass.
-Bottom line, get the fuck out of my way.
Christmas sucks, I'm more angry about everything than I ever have been and your mother's still a whore. Fridge, get my pills.
Hope You Had A Merry Christmas You Miserable Twats.
R Von D
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