Since the C has gone missing in action for the past couple of hours, and we haven’t given our readers much new material in the past few days, Ron Von and I cooked up some answers to a few of the romance questions that have flooded our inbox over the past few weeks. Enjoy.
Dear Pen 15,
I dated this really handsome chap for about 6 weeks this summer. All of a sudden, he broke up with me for what seemed like no reason. What do I do to win him back?
RvD: You should probably lay off the cry-juice and be a Bruin. Also, you sound like the type of girl who needs a man in her life to qualify her own happiness. If this is the case, you should either check the Fridge out on Yahoo personals, or drink bleach....take a lap
Dear Pen15,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. Lately, it hurts me when I pee and my semen smells like feet. Is she cheating on me?
Fridge: No, she is just gross and has never heard of Summer's Eve. Buy her a 12pack of those and ask her to clean herself up.
RvD: Yeah, she's either baking bread or you have the clap...better get some penicillin in your penis-be-illin'.
Dear Pen15,
What should be my course of action if it turns out that all of the dudes that my new girlfriend is friends with obviously despise my existence?
RvD: This is a great question. Here's what I would do. You get in on a prank that they are pulling on her so you become one of them, no matter how mean it is. That way, if she breaks up with you for being a dick, you just made a couple new homies to play Halo 3 or have a circle-jerk with.
Dear Pen15,
I'm a 24 year old female who has spent the better part of the past decade messing with guys' minds. What could I possibly do to get back in the good graces of kind boys like Ron Von and Fridgerino?
RvD:
Dear Pen15,
I'm dating a girl who is far too wealthy, far too pretty, and far to smart for me. How do I deal with the fact that I am obviously living a complete lie?
Fridge: Step 1 - Start stealing money from her wallet
Step 2 - Make her eat foods that will make her gain weight. I would suggest starting at Bickfords each day, two mid afternoon snacks at Taco Bell and finish up with dinner at Dairy Queen. They have really horrible cheeseburgers, and you're already there for dessert.
Step 3 - Start making her watch such Pen15 favorites as "Joe Dirt", "Benchwarmers", "
In no time, you two will be on the same plane (financially, looks, smarts) and things will work out perfectly. And also, please feel free to eat a bullet before you start this plan so that I can have a chance with this bird.
Dear Pen15,
Are either of you guys available? Are K-Rock and Hambone single?
Fridge: I'm available if you don’t have a need for footwear in crowded karaoke bars, are under 35, don’t like hot tubs, do like burritos, are not offended by the C word and live by the phrase “the more, the merrier.”
RvD: I'm single if you have a boyfriend who you will cheat on with me.
RvD: K-Rock is single if you have dip
RvD: Hambone is single if you like any of the following:
Meedly-meedlies, video games, food, booze, frequent napping.
Dear Pen15,
What would be the best and most effective ways for me to ascertain a gentleman in my life the caliber of yourselves.
Fridge: You must be a good cook. You must laugh at movie lines that me, Ron Von and KRock find amusing. You must get along with my mother, no questions asked. Please also be named Lauren Conrad and star on The Hills.
RvD: In order to date a professional man of leisure such as R Von D, you must watch the movie roadhouse whilst eating bad chinese food and drinking Jack Daniels. Also, you must fill out the forthcoming R Von D date application and pay the alloted application processing fee (two double cheeseburgers and an oreo McFlurry).
Dear Pen15,
Where do I take a girl out on a first date to let her know I’m really into her?
Fridge: Strip club. I would avoid trendy restaurants at all costs. Because when you find out she’s not into you, you’ll be out a hundo and you won’t have spent that money gathering spank bank material. And if she digs the strip club, you know she’s more than likely what we in the biz call “a keeper.”
RvD: Amen, you're better off making dinner, watching a Pixar movie and pullin' a full-on cuddle hustle.
Dear Pen15,
Why do chubby, sweaty unkempt guys always stare at me in bars, but never approach me?
RvD: Because I'm waiting for you to come talk to me, obviously. Is this that girl from Peddler’s?
Fridge: Because social skills wasn’t an elective at my high school.
Dear Pen15,
I'm really into you guys, but my best friend thinks you're obnoxious...what do we do to fix this?
Fridge: Tell her to take the stick out of her ass and grow a sense of humor. If she fails to comply, I would suggest pushing her into traffic, crying at the funeral, and going out with me post-mortem for some cocktails and dick.
RvD: See, you have to ask yourself this: What is more important? Lifelong friendships or a dozen instances involving fifteen minutes of mediocre sex and an thirty seconds of cuddling and an abrupt exit?
Email us at PenFifteenBlog@GMail.com and we can hash that shit out, proper.
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