An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

Dear Miss Clarkson,
We are all aware that your new album is subject to great criticism. People have been writing in tabloids and other periodicals that snail-like record sails (getting beat out by Hannah Montana must have been rough) and a bad attitude have left you a shadow of your former bubbly persona. Well, we at the Pen15 Club want to help. Here are a few suggestions from R Von D that might help your cause.

1) We get it, you're the jilted ex-girlfriend. There is no need to continually beat a dead horse here. Let's run down the list shall we: "Since You've Been Gone," "Never Again," "Behind These Hazel Eyes," and "Breakaway," all your biggest hits are all songs about how some mutt dicked you over. Be like the rest of us; dust yourself off, and write a good song about drinking your face off and having fun with your friends, because that's the best way to get over a breakup. Either that, or just try putting out more. Also, please look up the Fridge. He's been wanting to enter your secret garden since "From Justin to Kelly." But, speaking of writing your own songs...

2) Don't. While this may come off a little shitty, you are the product of a multi-billion dollar machine, not an artist. As stated prior, your songwriting skills seem to be somewhat geared towards a certain genre and why don't you let somebody who gets paid to write good songs write YOU a good song. Now, the argument here is that all the breakup songs written were great successes, sold a lot of records, blah blah blah. If you were a real artist, you wouldn't care about shit like that, right? You want your feelings heard. Well the only feelings anybody has heard from you is bitching and moaning about some dude. Luckily for you, people are idiots and will listen to anything, it's one of the beauties of living in America these days.

3) People like Clive Davis, who has been behind some of the greatest music ever produced, has been in the business for something ridiculous like 50+ years, has forgotten more music than you know. He knows better than you and you should listen to every word he says. If he says your album sucks and needs to be fixed, you fix it. If he says that you need to take people on board to help you with your song writing, you say "yes sir." Do not go on record telling people he's 80 and that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Again you're not an artist, you're a set of lungs and vocal chords created by the good people of American Idol for the purpose of making them more money. Know your place.

4) Lay off the hot dogs (see fig. A). Weight fluctuation = bad press...just sayin.

Well Miss Clarkson, I hope this helps. We here at Pen15 do not wish to take anything away from you, you're a great singer and have an amazing voice, but you're not a thinker. Let people who know better figure out all the confusing things like making and selling an album. You just take the pat on the head and flash all those teeth in that enormous mouth of yours (again, Fig. A).

WU-TANG!,
R Von D