Some people get annoyed when you quote movies at them (especially when they haven't seen the picture or just generally have a stick up their ass or their period.) Still, if used correctly, certain quotes can make certain situations more lively. Here is a list of my favorite quotes to make my otherwise drab day a little brighter.
"I am all that is man!"
When to use it: Generally after any kind of "Guy" conquest. Say, for instance, you have just successfully asked the girl in the next cubicle for her lunch order that day. While you really haven't accomplished anything, you still get that good feeling in your gut. In context, Arkat "Throney" Ramathorn in the film "Super Troopers" has just downed an entire bottle of syrup a bit faster than a less experienced colleague. Nothing gained you say? We guys beg to differ.
When I have personally used it: I was at a party and I "frommeled" a beer for the first time. For those of you who do not know how to frommel a beer, it is basically the act of shotgunning a beer, but instead of using a key to provide an opening, you use your own forehead. Like I said, to the untrained eye I have accomplished nothing, but we all know that what I have just done equals three of the tasks assigned to Hercules himself.
"You should listen to him, [insert name here], he's in pre-med."
When to use it: Basically any time you get your idiot friends to go along with some harebrained scheme you concocted before, after, or during a night of binge drinking. True gentlemen of leisure will always defer to more well-established members. Kent "Flounder" Dorfman was not nearly the caliber hooligan that "Bluto" Blutarsky was, so in the natural pecking order of manliness, Bluto's advice to "start drinking heavily" after Flounder's older brother's Cadillac had just been accessory to one of the greatest road trips in history. As an aside, "fat, drunk, and stupid" is a perfectly acceptable way to go through life.
When I have personally used it: Obviously, during my college career. One of my roommates had just found out that his long-time girlfriend had been "seeing" one of his friends from home while he was at school. Having no tact or sense of decency, my other roommate said "dude, you should totally just go out, get lit up, and nail the first girl you see, brown-bagger or not." I then took it upon myself to say "You should listen to him, Mike, he's in pre-med." I will point out that my other roommate, Conor, who provided the sound advice to Mike, had not yet declared a major and did not do so until the second half of his sophomore year, on the very last day before they just gave him one.
"Nobody f*cks with the Jesus..."
When to use it: The rule of thumb here is to not say this as a physical presence, but more of a "I'll drag my balls across your moms nose" type of thing. Being a man of average stature, I have found that the best way to win a fight is not to have the other person think you're hard as nails, but to be JUST CREEPY enough to the point where they would rather just cut their losses instead of finding out how psychotic you really are.
When I've personally used it: People were once arguing back and forth about the fun games they play when peers pass out at parties with their shoes on. This discussion went on for far too long before I told the boring penis-drawing-sharpee-marker crowd about the time I super-glued a kids own hand to his face, moved his car a mile away without him knowing, and drew an entire mural of filth on his back with one of those industrial markers that come in stainless steel holsters. While they stared at me agape, I delivered the aforementioned line with the clear and calm resolve you'd expect from a complete sociopath.
"Big Gulps, huh? Alright! ...Welp, see ya later!"
When to use it: Basically any time you want to end a conversation abruptly OR whilst interjecting yourself to a conversation you had no previous place in. Example:
Person one: "I feel that you should invest money from your 401k into global equity, which last year saw almost a 12% return.
Person two: "That's nice, but I just can't justify jeopardizing my retirement and my kid's college fund, so I think I'm going to play it safe and stick with the plan my financial adviser set out for me. Furthermore..."
You: "Hey, you guys! You won't believe it! We just changed Sean's wallpaper on his computer to that "Tubgirl" picture and put a password on it so he couldn't change it. HAHAHAHA.
(stunned silence)
You: "Big gulps, huh? Alright... Welp, see ya later"
(exit).
When I have personally used it: See above.
"But my real passion is working with retards."
When to use it: There are two types of people in the world, people who think this type of low-brow humor is funny, and the type of people who will be so utterly repulsed by this that they leave you alone forever. I'm of the belief that you should find out early on what type of person this person is. That said, this is perfect for when you're talking to a member of the opposite sex at a social gathering, explaining what your job is, and seeing them get really bored.
"I'm a nurse, what do you do?"
"I'm a Data Integrity Team Leader" (Fridge's actual job title)
"Oh...that's...um...cool..."
"...but my real passion is working with retards."
Those who laugh are keepers, those who don't are assholes. As stated prior, it's best to just let 'er rip and see if the person you're talking to is worth two number twos.
When I've personally used it: I never use this line considering that people are fascinated with what I do. For security purposes I cannot divulge exactly what that is, but it involves finishing school, and the (still) official language of Vatican City. Google it if you don' t know. For the rest of you, use this whenever you can, your jobs are boring and you need the help.
Hopefully these will oil up the rusty shit-box you call a social life. Be advised that any of these lines are funnier and more socially acceptable when alcohol is involved. Rest assured that if you can seamlessly integrate these quotations into every day diction, you will be heralded as a guy/girl whom everybody wants to be around. Look at me, I'm the most popular guy I know and everybody loves me.
HEY AQUALUNG! (see it works)
R Von D
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