The Non-Red Sox Fan Guide to Hating the Yankees

Born in the greater Boston area, and living my entire life in New England, I was never given a choice as to what Major League Baseball team I would swear allegiance to. The Boston Red Sox have forever been a part of my life and one of the things that comes along with this is a complete and almost sick hatred for the New York Yankees. Now, I would like to state that before I go on, please understand that I am writing this with the most perspective I can have. I personally think that the Yankees are a classless organization (except for Derek Jeter) with no real constitution. However, there are some reason that ALL baseball fans should hate the Yankees, not just Red Sox Fans. Here are some standout reasons for you:



1) Jorge Posada:
There is no science to my reasoning here. He's a shitty defensive catcher who couldn't throw me out, and he's probably the ugliest person on the face of the Earth. He also pisses on his own hands (really). Next!




2) Curtain Calls:
I was watching the highlights from the Yankees/Devil Rays game the other day in which the Yankees won 21-4 or something like that. And one thing that blew my mind was that the Yankee fans were giving what is known as a curtain call to some rookie who hit two home runs. Firstly, they're called "CURTAIN CALLS" because they're supposed to come at the end of a game or a career. Ted Williams never tipped his hat to the crowd even after his final at bat at Fenway in which he hit a home run. Mark McGwire got a curtain call for breaking Roger Marris' single-season home run records. Craig Biggio got a curtain call and a game stoppage for his 3,000th hit. Why does some no-name get a curtain call in the seventh inning at Yankee stadium when he put his team up 17-3 instead of 16-3. Doesn't make sense to me. That prick's own teammates probably weren't even high-fiving him. Dear Yankee stadium, act like your team has hit a home run before...assholes. Not only that, but with all due respect to my man Dukes, the Yankees were playing a team that would have trouble winning the College World Series. You beat up a JV team, BIG F*CKING DEAL

3) Uniforms
A lot of people will go on and on about how the Yankees pinstripe uniform is a classic and the standard for which all other uniforms to be judged. However, if you knew ANYTHING about baseball history, you would know that the Yankees chose pinstripes in order to make Babe Ruth look like less of a fat mess. Don't talk about your uniforms being classical, when the real reasoning behind them is to cover up how out of shape your players are. Granted, this does not apply to everybody, but I just find the term "classic" to be incredibly misleading

4) Payroll

Now I said I was going to write this as a non-Red Sox fan, so I can bring this up. I know that the Red Sox have the SECOND HIGHEST payroll in all MLB, so don't bring it up. Think of me as a Pittsburgh Pirates fan. I have watched my team religiously over the past 25 years. I've seen them struggle, I've seen them do well, and I have never seen them win the World Series. I have seen players like a pre-freak Barry Bonds win MVPs and Gold Gloves, I've seen Bobby Bonilla and Andy Van Slyke slap homers over the walls, and I've seen these players go to bigger markets for more money. Money like teams like Pittsburgh don't have and teams like the Yankees shell out willingly to whatever greedy hands want to take it. Look at people like Jason Giambi, Carl Pavano, Gary Sheffield, Randy Johnson, etc. They've all been handed large money to NOT win a World Series at the expense of smaller markets who really liked having those guys around.

Quick Facts: 2006 Payrolls

Pittsburgh - $46, 717, 750.00
Florida - $14, 998, 550.00
New York - $194,663,079.00

(Alex Rodriguez makes more money per year than THE ENTIRE MARLINS ORGANIZATION)

5) They're not that good:

Cleveland, Detroit, Los Angeles (BOTH), Seattle. What do these teams all have in common? They all have better records than the Yankees and probably will make all make the playoffs. The Yankees will not. By my count, the last time the Yankees won the world series was the year 2000. How many people from that team are still on the Yankees. Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Roger Clemens, Mariano Rivera, and Andy Petite. Two every day players (one, as mentioned earlier, sucks), the other two play once every five days, and if Mariano Rivera was a horse, Steinbrenner would have put a bullet in his head a while ago. Also, as good as Derek Jeter is, he's not as good as he was seven years ago and he's certainly not going to get his team into the playoffs by doing that sissy jump-throw he does once a week. For the record, just like the barehanded throw from third base, going into the hole to your right is a routine play these days, enough with the theatrics. Go on and on about your 26 rings or whatever, but as my girl Janet Jackson says, "What have you done for me lately?"



Batter Up,
R Von D