Guess Who's Back, Dipshits!!

Okay, so a lot has happened.

For anybody who has kept up with us over the past year or two, you know some major things have transpired.

Myself, Mr. Von D, have made an honest woman out of my girlfriend, and am now a responsible married man, no longer allowed to eat awful things for money. As for the Fridge, he somehow managed to find a nice young lady to call his own and is getting married in the spring. THose are the two most major changes I can think of.

More than that though, I have had about seven jobs in the past couple of years, but now I'm back doing what I do best; Standing in front of a classroom full of teenagers and making fun of them. This time though, I'm back on familiar turf, so the world is my oyster. Except for one minor detail.

I had an epiphany the other day. A lot of this blog chronicles me and my friends doing stupid things, just being your normal twenty somethings who are just trying to make a buck and not get any more calls from debt collection people. I must note at this point that Fridge has never had this problem, and is the most fiscally responsible person I've ever met. Anyway, the one thing that escaped my grasp was always my physical health.

I used to be an athlete. A pretty good one, actually. Not that anybody who has met me in the past 8 or 9 years would know that, but it's true. And even though this is the case, I feel as though I've made excuse after excuse to "let myself go." Even getting married wasn't really enough to get myself back into shape. Even with the help of the best trainer New England had to offer, I still had one obstacle I couldn't get over, my diet.

I tried different workouts, different fad diets, all the things I could in order to get my ass in gear, but you know one thing about getting advice is that nobody takes it. Ever. I needed something that made sense.

Enter Timothy Ferriss.

Too keep this brief, I'll just tell you that what Ferriss offered me was something that made sense to me. I needed to get out of the mold of what I had heard before. It's easy to tell somebody to eat healthy, to tell somebody that instead of eating this, you should eat this. Instead of doing this exercise, do this exercise. But what Tim offered me was something that made sense to me. Here are some reasons why.

1) He hates making breakfast.
2) He thinks outside the "calorie in, calorie out" theory that has dominated every fitness magazine.
3) I get one day a week where I can eat whatever the fuck I want and not feel bad about it.

So, here is my attempt to get my shit back together. I've started my "Lose 30 Before 30" campaign as of today, and you get a front row seat, bitches. Six months of no nonsense chronicling of my journey through TIm Ferriss' "Four Hour Body" book. Hopefully I can show you some success this time. Let's roll...

Slainte,

RVonD

Oh yeah, in an effort to give you the TMI factor, I've started my diet today and have already taken three poops. It's not even noon. So there you go.

Way to go New Hampshire...

Dear Nancy Elliot,

I bet the entire internet is coming up with tons of things they want to "wiggle around in your excriment."

603 4 LIFE BITCHES!!!!

RVonD

An Actual Email I Received Today

This is awesome. I can't even begin to explain it:

Andrew Munaweera
to me

show details 4:50 PM (4 hours ago)

Sorry us if you not R Von D,


YOUR FRIEND HAS INFORMED US THAT YOU LOVE A NUDISM, THEREFORE WE INVITE TO VISIT OUR SITE.

Check your account please:
http://bofa76.org.uk/video

Seriously, how awesome is that?

This Is Why Our Society Sucks: Video Evidence

I'll admit, I gave this a chance. There were some good meedlies to kick this one off, but the emo haircuts, v-cut tshirts, skinny jeans, pussy lyrics, and at the 2:45 mark...the real kicker proved to be too much. Watch or skip ahead to find out.



And yes, these idiots are dead serious...
RVonD

RVonD's Worst (read "Best") Idol Performances From Around the World (UPDATE)

It's not secret to anybody who knows me that I'm a huge fan of American Idol. And, yes, I think Middle-America totally screwed Adam Lambert and I think Kris Allen will be homeless by the end of 2011, but I digress.

As much as I like American Idol, I also despise "America's Got Talent." It's basically American Idol with magic and no age limit. And if you say anything to me about the chicken catcher guy I'll fucking kill you. My father has been playing that Garth Brooks song in bars since I was a little kid, and he does it way better. Just because the guy is an unemployed farmhand doesn't make him the next Randy Travis. Maybe he should be looking for work instead of warbling on a stage with a cheap guitar.

Now, since I miss Idol so much, I would like to give you a retrospective of the best auditions I have ever seen from around the Idol world, not just American Idol. Please to enjoy, because everybody loves a spot of high-functioning autism in the morning:

5. William Hung - Yes old, yes played out, but I can remember EXACTLY where I was when I saw this and what drink came flying out of my nose. Totally set the stage for Idol reject fame.




4. "Ken Lee" - Now, I don't know who this broad is or where she comes from, but this is one of the funnier female performances I've seen.


3. German Death Metal Idol - A newcomer to the scene, I just saw this clip today. And yes, if I haven't seen it, it's new...for I have seen all internets. I love how hardass the kid is one minute, then panic-stricken and finally turning into a totally insecure puss-bag. I bet all black metal singers are like this.


2. This guy - Wow...



1. Ryan Hart - So, why is this my #1? Two reasons, one because the kid sucks. Two, because he obviously tried out for American Idol because he thought he was good and a hardass, and once rejected you can see that he puts up this front like I can totally hear him telling his friends that he "totally didn't give a shit and that it was just a joke. I mean, did you see their conformist faces? I totally freaked them out, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan." Then he went in his room and wrote in his "Nightmare before Christmas" journal about how nobody understands him and they'll all be sorry when he's dead. You're not "unique and different," you're just like the millions of other kids who think they're unique and different. Nobody is going to be sad when you're dead, and nobody is going to your funeral and cry, because nobody will be surprised. Get a job.




HONORABLE MENTIONS:

James Lewis - This was just awesome. I love when honest, kind, sincere people just get laughed at and shamed. Eddie Vedder? Really? And who the hell is Paul Robison? I seriously thought this kid was deaf when I heard him. He sounds like Marley Matlin on a record playing at the wrong speed.




Nick Zitzman - The kid's name is Nick Zitzman, and he's a software engineer from Utah. You get it...




UPDATE: One of our dear readers was good enough to pass this along to me. I think we have a new winner!!






Very much on key,

Ricky

"The Hangover" - A Duchess Von D Review

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