A Brief History of St. Aubin

When the Fridge and I were young, we had the privilege of working for a Fortune 500 company by the name of Able Moving and Storage. There we met many interesting characters including Steve Otis, who once received a 600.00 weekly paycheck at 5:30 pm, and did so much crack that he didn't have five dollars to get into Boston Billiards at 9:00 pm. We also had Jim Hibbard, who fathered an amazing 15 children, let the other "lifers" take turns with his wife in the back of a moving truck, and once had a TV land on his head with such force that he started bleeding from the ears. Then there was Hank, who had multiple divots in his chest due to being shot and/or being stabbed in Lowell on bad deals. And lastly we have the St. Aubin family. The two figure heads of this clan were Scott and Liz. Scott was a surly driver who would threaten to quit every day, hated all of the summer help, and called us all cocksuckers for hiding his time card on a daily basis. Also goes by the nickname "Scooter." Then there is his lovely wife Liz. Liz was the proud owner of a Saturn coupe who would propose drag races with my friend Booski's rebuilt '69 Chevelle because her car had "turbo". Also given the name "Liz St. Gross" by Little Greg. But there was something about these two that never sat right with either me or the Fridge. Who the hell was St. Aubin? What kind of catholic saint would give his name to such a degenerate bunch of miscreants with missing teeth? Well, we did some research and this is the fruit of our labor:

ST. AUBIN

Feast Day: March 1st

Biography: Albinus, also known as Aubin, entered the monastery of Tincillac when a youth, was elected Abbot when he was thirty-five, and was named Bishop of Angers in 529. He was known for his generosity to the sick and the indigent, widows, and orphans, for his work in ransoming slaves, and for his holiness and the many miracles he is reputed to have performed both during his lifetime and after his death. His feast day is March 1.

Here is where it gets interesting though:

Patron Saint Of The Indigent
Patron Saint Of Welfare
Patron Saint Of Coupon Books
Patron Saint Of NASCAR
Patron Saint Of Orphans
Patron Saint Of Gum Disease
Patron Saint Of Calvin Peeing on Things
Patron Saint Of Basic Cable
Patron Saint Of Fireworks Displays
Patron Saint Of Air Shows
Patron Saint of Child Support
Patron Saint Of Horseshoes
Patron Saint Of Indoor Lawn Furniture
Patron Saint Of Carnival Workers
Patron Saint Of Tucked-in, Non-hooded Sweatshirts
Patron Saint Of Wrangler Jeans
Patron Saint Of Plywood Cutout Lawn Ornaments
Patron Saint of Jean Shorts

So I guess that makes sense. Eight years of Catholic school should have had me know better, but I guess you learn something new every day. And this once again affirms in my mind that the Catholic Church is, of course, the answer for anything and everything. And with that, I will leave you with The Prayer of St. Aubin.

"O Angels of God, from heaven so bright,
watching beside my so-called children as gas cans they light;
Fold your wings round them, and guard them with Mt. Dew;
Softly sing songs to them of heaven and of Limp Bizkit too.
Amen"


God Bless,
The Pen15 Brethren