Inspiration From a Thirds Football Coach

Thirds football, for those of you who do not know, is the bottom of the athletic barrel. Basically what I do is teach non-athletes how to compete in one of the worlds most demanding games. The Thirds football team is below the Junior Varsity level, which in turn has me dealing with mostly freshman. In addition to freshman, however, I also get my share of sickly and uncoordinated upper-classmen. Still, even with the lack of athleticism on the field, we somehow manage to win. With a bucket full of trick plays and all-out blitz defense (since nobody in thirds football can pass) our squad is a force to be reckoned with. I say "force" because the teams on our schedule also include some middle schools.

It is also my duty as head coach to inspire these young men to go into battle showing their teeth and to be ready at all times to strike fear and inflict pain unto their enemies. Here are some ways I have inspired them during practice in preparation for our first game this Wednesday.


During a low-energy, low-intensity practice:

Me: You know guys, there are better things I could be doing right now other than watching you not try out here. Some of the other coaches have families they could spending time with. As for me, I could be spending time STARTING a family.

Team: (Laughter)

Me: (realizing what I just said) ... All of you take a lap.


On injuries:

Fat, soft lineman: Um...coach? I like have this thing. It's like asthma, but it's not really asthma. Like, I can play and stuff, but I can't, like ya know, run. I mean, I don't have an inhaler or anything, but like I have trouble breathing sometimes...I don't know.

Me: So you don't have asthma, but you can't do anything that involves fitness. Basically what you're telling me is that you want to play football, but you don't want to take part in anything other than games.

Fat, soft lineman: I guess.

Me: Get off my field.

Fat, soft lineman: What?

Me: Go to the nurse, Timmy.

(At this time I am still not sure of this kid's name was Timmy. He never came back.)

ANOTHER SCENARIO:

Kid: Uh, coach, I don't think I can run today, I have a hip thing.

Me: A hip thing?

Kid: Yeah.

Me: Tell you what, I bet you just need to stretch your "hip thing" out a little bit. Why don't you be a bruin for me and take a lap.

In preparation for our first game:

Me: Many of you have noticed that I now have a mustache. I'm getting a lot of questions as to why I would sully such a beautiful face and seemingly hurt my chances with the ladies. The answer, gentlemen, is simple: I am more committed to this football team and looking grizzled than I am to finding a significant other. My entire day actually is spent thinking about how I can somehow win football games and make you all miserable at the same time...just playin'. All kidding aside though, somebody had to come correct before we play our first game on Wednesday. And the only way I know to look hard and make my enemy fear me is to grow a mustache. I would have told all of you to do it, but most of your voices haven't even changed yet...so naturally, I had to do all the hardening up for you. Take a lap.

Football team: (Awestruck silence)


To me, there is no better way to build character and team unity than having people take a lap. And I know that we will be ready for our first game this Wednesday. If nothing else, we will be in better aerobic shape than the team we are playing. And you know, the coach in "Remember the Titans" was hated by his team at first, same with Ed "Straight Arrow" Genero in "Necessary Roughness." All of the greatest football coaches in history started out as real pricks. Legends continue to be pricks throughout. I'm hoping to be the latter.

With Mustache,
R Von D