Inspiration From a Thirds Football Coach

Thirds football, for those of you who do not know, is the bottom of the athletic barrel. Basically what I do is teach non-athletes how to compete in one of the worlds most demanding games. The Thirds football team is below the Junior Varsity level, which in turn has me dealing with mostly freshman. In addition to freshman, however, I also get my share of sickly and uncoordinated upper-classmen. Still, even with the lack of athleticism on the field, we somehow manage to win. With a bucket full of trick plays and all-out blitz defense (since nobody in thirds football can pass) our squad is a force to be reckoned with. I say "force" because the teams on our schedule also include some middle schools.

It is also my duty as head coach to inspire these young men to go into battle showing their teeth and to be ready at all times to strike fear and inflict pain unto their enemies. Here are some ways I have inspired them during practice in preparation for our first game this Wednesday.


During a low-energy, low-intensity practice:

Me: You know guys, there are better things I could be doing right now other than watching you not try out here. Some of the other coaches have families they could spending time with. As for me, I could be spending time STARTING a family.

Team: (Laughter)

Me: (realizing what I just said) ... All of you take a lap.


On injuries:

Fat, soft lineman: Um...coach? I like have this thing. It's like asthma, but it's not really asthma. Like, I can play and stuff, but I can't, like ya know, run. I mean, I don't have an inhaler or anything, but like I have trouble breathing sometimes...I don't know.

Me: So you don't have asthma, but you can't do anything that involves fitness. Basically what you're telling me is that you want to play football, but you don't want to take part in anything other than games.

Fat, soft lineman: I guess.

Me: Get off my field.

Fat, soft lineman: What?

Me: Go to the nurse, Timmy.

(At this time I am still not sure of this kid's name was Timmy. He never came back.)

ANOTHER SCENARIO:

Kid: Uh, coach, I don't think I can run today, I have a hip thing.

Me: A hip thing?

Kid: Yeah.

Me: Tell you what, I bet you just need to stretch your "hip thing" out a little bit. Why don't you be a bruin for me and take a lap.

In preparation for our first game:

Me: Many of you have noticed that I now have a mustache. I'm getting a lot of questions as to why I would sully such a beautiful face and seemingly hurt my chances with the ladies. The answer, gentlemen, is simple: I am more committed to this football team and looking grizzled than I am to finding a significant other. My entire day actually is spent thinking about how I can somehow win football games and make you all miserable at the same time...just playin'. All kidding aside though, somebody had to come correct before we play our first game on Wednesday. And the only way I know to look hard and make my enemy fear me is to grow a mustache. I would have told all of you to do it, but most of your voices haven't even changed yet...so naturally, I had to do all the hardening up for you. Take a lap.

Football team: (Awestruck silence)


To me, there is no better way to build character and team unity than having people take a lap. And I know that we will be ready for our first game this Wednesday. If nothing else, we will be in better aerobic shape than the team we are playing. And you know, the coach in "Remember the Titans" was hated by his team at first, same with Ed "Straight Arrow" Genero in "Necessary Roughness." All of the greatest football coaches in history started out as real pricks. Legends continue to be pricks throughout. I'm hoping to be the latter.

With Mustache,
R Von D

Reason #237 Why I Hate Journey

Two years ago during my first fall as a teacher, one of my students came bounding into my classroom on a Monday morning. He told me that he had the best weekend of his life and he couldn't wait to tell me about it. Curious, I asked him to tell me what had him so hyper early on a Monday when most other students were cursing the heavens (and parents) for bringing them to such a place. He told me that his father and he had gone to a Journey concert and, in his own words, "It was the balls." After some lengthy discussion as to what is appropriate language inside of an academic building, this student informed me that he had a surprise for me. I recoiled at my desk, fearing the worst, only to find myself presented with a Journey CD, a sampler of their new material. It's not that I don't like Journey, it's just that I find other people like them entirely way too much. Even so, I thanked him for the gesture, briefly read the track list on the back, and continued on with class. This CD would sit in the bottom drawer of my desk for the next two years...until today.

Being the mover and shaker that I am, I was told that because of my service to the school, and because I had proven myself time and time again to be the ultimate weapon against stupidity the school I work at gave me a much bigger classroom. And so, I had to move the contents of my desk with me to the new digs. Anxious to get myself settled, I sat in between classes, fussing with my desk and the chair arrangement of the classroom (I find the squared-off "U" shape to be the most conducive to a productive classroom atmosphere). The last thing I had to do in order to REALLY feel at home though was to filter through the contents of my desk. There were some things in there I really didn't need anymore, so I figured now was as good a time as any to get rid of some shit. After some digging, I found the aforementioned Journey CD.

Being a patron of the arts, I was torn as to whether or not to throw the CD away. In my mind, the contents of this CD could be the best pieces of music ever created, so why should it go to waste just because I don't particularly care for the band who made it. So, being the diplomat I am, I offered it to my students. With a flip of my wrist, I tossed the CD case to one of the kids and went on checking homework and beginning the lesson for the day. Five minutes later, I heard what is now the single hardest laugh I have ever heard in my life.

I whipped around to see why my class was being disrupted only to see two of my students beet red and almost in tears. They swore that it was nothing I had said. My response to that was then "Well alright, who farted then?" Again, the two shook their heads. Becoming more frustrated, I demanded to know what was so funny. To them, it was because I wanted to embarrass them. In my mind, I just didn't want to be left out of a seemingly awesome joke. I checked my fly and wiped at my nose, for I was suspicious one of those two things would have made the joke on me, but neither was the case. Finally, one of the boys laughing said the content of the CD case is what they were laughing at. I only looked for a second, but when I opened the case I saw only a pink CD with "Hustler" across the top. Porn. Instantly I got that feeling that I used to get when I was a kid when my dad pulled into the garage and I knew I was in deep shit. Full panic.

My first response was "HOLY SHIT!" which made the kids laugh even harder. I then spent the next five minutes explaining to them that the contents of that case were not mine, and I have no idea how that got there. As my mind raced, I began to feel a tightness in my chest that I have never felt before. Typically, every plea I made to them was met with the sarcastic "suuuuuuuure" that I myself would have made had the situation been reversed. Still, I began to think that my life was a cartoon for others to mock. Nervously, I told them that this story was not to leave this classroom. Now, I know that this is never going to go how I wanted it to go, and I will certainly be mocked tomorrow for this incident, but since I have no reason to lie here I will tell you, my dear reader, I have no idea where that shit came from. I think the situation would have been easier if it was mine actually. That way I would have no reason to be mad or anxious, because it was my own dumbass fault. It wouldn't be the first time. One time I went to send my ex-girlfriend the Rick James skit from Chappelle's Show only to send her a lesbian shower scene instead. Oh well.

In my eyes, this is probably the single most embarrassing moment of my professional life, so much so that it needed to be shared with all of you while it was still fresh in my mind. In the end, I really have nobody to blame, because the kid who gave me the CD is gone to college now. And so, I will focus all of my energy on hating the only people who deserve my special brand of wrath, and that's Journey. That band sucks and it's all their fault. If I liked the CD the kid gave me, I would have never had this problem. As it is, they suck and I had no interest in their music and that led to a porn bomb exploding in my newly fashioned classroom. Fuck Journey.

As an aside, all you karaoke hacks, please DO stop believing so I can finish my mai thai instead of throwing it at you...shit don't grow on trees.


R Von D

An R Von D Quick-Hitter From This Past Weekend

If you were not aware, Fridge and I had a small reunion of sorts in the Fighting City of Waltham this weekend. And while there wasn't much to report (a few odds and ends, really), one specific conversation stood out in my mind. Let me paint the scene: We were in a bar called "Big City" putting on an intense (and VERY public) display of bloody knuckles when we were approached by two young men wearing fraternity shirts. They explained to us that they were trying to sell us butane lighters that I've seen people use for crack and crystal meth on the television. One of these young men noticed Fridge's "LLOYD!!" t-shirt. Fridge, being a huge Entourage fan decided to have a bit of fun with this young man. The following conversation ensued:

Frat Boy: Whoa, nice Lloyd t-shirt man, you watch that show?

Fridge: What show?

Frat Boy: Entourage. You know, Lloyd...Ari's assistant?

Fridge: What's an Ari?

Frat Boy: Are you kidding? Ari's this dude and Lloyd is his super-gay assistant.

R Von D: How gay? Like being in a frat gay?

Frat Boy: (stunned silence)

Fridge: K bye.

(Frat boy exits stage left)

While this is not my longest entry, I thought that this was too priceless to let slip away into the ether. I truly believe that the Fridge and I make strangers more uncomfortable than anybody else on the planet once a few drinks are involved. After the frat boy left, Fridge then started using the foosball levers to hit girls in the ass while I proudly sipped upon my white russian. If you want to hang out with us, we are available for parties at penfifteenblog@gmail.com.


With confidence,
Ron

Decoding Your "C"

It has been a while since my last “live journal” entry. In spite of some typical chauvinists’ inane humor, I am told my contributions were “tolerated.” Therefore, I figured it was high time the men of the Pen 15 Club got a bit more insight into “the female mind” (and no that is NOT an oxymoron). In an effort to expose readers, and more importantly Fridge, K-Rock, and Ron Von Don to feminine wants and needs, I have listed 10 phrases below frequently utilized by women such as myself. Should the Pen 15 boys find themselves in a situation where they need to cover their ass...LISTEN UP.

1.) “FINE” – Women often utilize this word to end an argument. It means we are right and it is time for you to shut up.

2.) “NOTHING” – Men should realize that this word signifies the calm before the storm. Keep your antennae up and feign an understanding demeanor. Fights that start with “nothing” typically end with use of the word “fine.”

3.) “THAT’S OK” – One of the most dangerous words a female can use on her male counterpart. You can be assured that a woman is thinking long and hard about how she will make you pay in the near future.

4.) “FIVE MINUTES” – When getting ready, five minutes roughly translates to about a half hour. Note, however, that use of this phrase when a woman is waiting for a man to clean up after himself or finish watching sports actually means five minutes.

5.) “(Loud Sigh)” – Though a loud sigh is technically not a phrase, but nonverbal communication, it too is often misunderstood by the less fairer sex. A loud sigh means a woman thinks you are a moron. She wonders why she is wasting her valuable time on you.

6.) “GO AHEAD” – Warning: This is a dare. The word in no way indicates you have a woman’s permission or approval. Do not do it!!!

7.) “THANKS” – Listen carefully to a woman’s tone. This word is often used sarcastically when you boneheads once again let us down. However, there are rare occurrences when the word is thrown about sincerely. In any event, we are actually uttering our appreciation. Do not question it and just respond with a “you’re welcome.”

8.) “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT” – Also a dangerous statement. Do not be misled. Usually a woman tells a man to do something at least 3-5 times, but is now forced to perform the task herself. A woman will harbor resentment leading a man to ask “what’s wrong.” For the answer to this question see #2.

9.) “NO” – Contrary to popular male beliefs “No” does not mean yes and yes does not always mean yes. Women are complicated flowers who often have complicated reasons for their statements. As soon as we want something or have an opinion to express, we will let you know.

10.) “WHATEVER” – The female “Fuck You.”

Learn it, love it, live it!!

“The C”

Fridge's Thoughts on Britney Spears

Ron Von Don took the liberty of informing the world that "Fridge heart Fat Britney" in his snoozefest blog about reality tv. Well it's true. I am madly in love with Britney Spears. I know she looked a little doughy at the VMA's and has had a "paunch" for the better part of the past 3 years. Let's be honest with ourselves for a minute though, she looks better than MOST of the ladies found on the Revue's Southern NH Chinese buffet karaoke bar circuit, and that's good enough for me. If Britney is to read any of this post, please get in touch with me at PENFIFTEENBLOG@GMAIL.COM and you can fly me out to LA for an introductory date at an all-you-care-to-eat buffet or at the local In N Out Burger. (I'll have the 4x4 Animal Style.)

I will now list all of the redeeming qualities of Britney Spears and reasons I would thoroughly enjoy being her husband:

1. She probably has the master tapes of Kevin Federline's POPOZAO song, and I could probably get ten grand for those on EBay (Ron Von Don + The Steege just might rob a bank in order to be the top bidders.)
2. She's already had kids, clearly she pokes. (So we cool.)
3. She apparently enjoys a cocktail every once in a while, as does el Fridgerino.
4. She rarely wears underwears.
5. At this point, her vocal skills would fit in at most of the karaoke bars that she and I would haunt.
6. Her bank account is larger than the Gross National Product of Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and the United Arab Emirates combined.
7. I don't think she can pass "it" to me since she's already on Valtrex.
8. She can't dance very well anymore. So she won't be embarassed to see me attempt to full body dry heave every time "MY HUMPS" comes on when we're hitting top L.A. hot-spots.
9. She rolls with 50 Cent every once in a while. That = more free Vitamin Water for Sunday afternoon softball.
10. She definitely already owns and has the skills to operate a fryolator.



XOXO,
The Future Mr. Fridge Spears

MTV Gets The Good Ol' Rub 'N Tug From Tila Tequila

So here’s the thing:

I’m sitting in my apartment the other day waiting for this “Life of Ryan” show to come on. Admittedly, I was hoping that my dreams were realized and that the ridiculous nature of my life was simply fodder for a new reality show that I was unaware of. Sadly, it’s a show about some kid named Sheckler who whines for a half hour at a time about his parents being divorced…weak. I would have made better use of a reality television show called “Life of Ryan”…just sayin’. The point of this though is as I was watching this show, arms folded and with my trademark scowl across my face, I saw a commercial for a show called “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila.” For those of you who are not privy to who this girl is. She’s a little sprite of an Asian with boobs larger than her head. She also has the distinction of having the most friends on both Friendster and Myspace. I like to think that she is relevant only because most guys have a touch of the “yellow fever” as I call it. As odd as that may sound, ask any guy who is honest and he will tell you that he finds Asian girls attractive. Just last year there was a big prostitution sting in Northwest Connecticut at a massage parlor. Apparently backs and calves were not the only things getting smoothed out by the young Asian girls who were illegally employed by said establishment. In fact, I was sitting at lunch with some of my friends when this story hit the news. And instead of being appalled or laughing, all of us were pissed off that nobody told us about this place. Again, I’m not sayin’…but I’m just sayin’.

So what is the point of all of this? It seems as though Miss Tequila has thrown a wrinkle in the playbook that is reality TV dating shows. Instead of just inviting sweaty old men and slick looking guidos with open shirts, she has decided to make hers a bisexual dating show. That’s right; she’s going to have sixteen women and sixteen men contesting for her love and affection. While you may see this as good television, I would state the following. I know that a girl is going to win on this television show. I know this because that’s the only way people will watch it. Let’s take a more critical look at what is going on.

Presumably everybody has been to a party where alcohol is involved. From the time I was eighteen until about twenty-four, parties did not change all that much. We had the people who got way too drunk and started a fight, whether it was verbal or physical. There were the people who got way too drunk and threw up and passed out where nobody could find them (one time I had a roommate pass out in the snow). Then there were the people like me who participated in the party, but also took stock of everything that was going on to mock people the next day. And finally, there was the girl who thought it was awesome to make out with other girls while dudes cheered them on. Sound all too familiar? This show is one of those parties for a twelve week period. And as a person who has attended those parties, I will tell you…girls making out with each other gets old, I don’t care how hot they are. Sure the first time you see it, it’s exciting because it’s just like one of those movies you stole from your older brother. But after a while, you become desensitized to the faux sexuality inherent therein.

I see the world like this. There are straight people, and there are gay people, everybody else who claims to be “bisexual” is an attention whore. Tila Tequila, the little blonde Asian girl whose parents probably made her play violin when she was younger does not like girls, she likes attention. And she’s smart enough (probably because of her strict upbringing) to know that you as Americans will watch TV if it is even hinted that girls will be making out with each other. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll know who Tila Tequila is after the show is over. Apparently this chick has over two million Myspace friends and I’ve never heard of her. What does that tell you?

In closing, I will say people like Bret Michaels, Flava Flav, “New York”, and Tila Tequila encompass everything that is wrong with this country. Do me a favor. If you want to see girls making out, do what the rest of us do; hit up the world wide interweb, watch for fifteen minutes, give yourself some bat and be done with it, and then take a monster nap. That is the American way, which is also the R Von D way.

Wanna make out,

Rizzle Von-izzle Dizzle

ps - Fridge heart fat Britney

The Pen15 End of Summer Re-Cap

R Von D's Official Statement: "It Never Got Weird Enough For Me."

Tomorrow, I will be leaving the friendly confines of Nashua, NH and I will resume my post as Classical Languages Chair in rural Patheticut. As I have stated prior, this summer has been hedonistic voyage for me fraught with the unapologetic mockery of others devoid of any vocation. Please understand that somebody like me has to do as much living as possible throughout the summer months before the humdrum existence of being a boarding school teacher wraps its icy fingers around my livelihood, thus causing it to shrink. Looking back though, I can't help but feel that this was the best summer of my adult life, and I wish to recap the entire summer for you in superlative form with the help of my Pen15 brethren.



Fridge's Official Statement: "I've been swimming in raw sewage all summer long. I LOVE IT."




This weekend, I'll be moving out of my parents house to head to the fighting city of Waltham. This summer has been interesting for me. I didn't vomit once, which leads me to believe that I've either gotten a bigger tolerance or I didn't drink enough. I also was told on more than one occasion that I was "looking thin." I dont know if these people are telling me I used to look like Vince Wilfork or if they're just trying to be nice, but I know I had self-esteem galore this summer and that lead to a generally more enjoyable experience for the past 3 months. Enjoy the following. If there are any inside jokes you don't get, too bad. (Also, I'm sorry I didn't use words with syllables as big as Mr. Monday Night did above.)

K-Rock Official Statement: "Let's go to the bar, get some drinks, see what's goin on"

I'm heading up to school for my senior year on Sunday. My goals for the year are to pay little attention to school work, get in better shape, and win the Division III Rugby National Championship. I'm going to accomplish this by drinking a lot of gin and watching as much college football as I can. I'll try to come up with some cool shit while i'm up there. I will also work on expanding my vocabulary so I can read what R Von D wrote above.

Best Car Accident: Lance Briggs

Lance "I woulda refused a breafalyza" Briggs took out a telephone pole then ran away from his $350,000 mess. Commander Goodell has yet to deport Briggs for the above action, Lance has also bought 3 new Lance-brighinis.

Worst Car Accident: Ron Von Don vs. Unknown Woodland Creature

Ron Von takes out a small animal. Drunk K-Rock riding shotty doesn't flinch. RVD has to file insurance claim due to horiffic damage. Hilarity does not ensue.

Best Party: The Lea Brothers Graduation Party

Whiffle ball, karaoke, drunk people, and a dunk tank. If you can beat that kind of party, I'd love to see you try.

Best Karaoke Performance: "Rebel Yell" - The Revue

No contest.

Worst Karaoke Performance: "I Touch Myself"

No comment necesarry. If you were at the Buffet and as uncomfortable as Fridge was, you know why.

Best Round of Mini-Golf: The Fridge

While aided by a Norman-esque meltown on the back nine by R Von D, Fridge was lights out during one "adventure themed" golf session, scoring three hole-in-ones on the back nine alone, and thus beating all other competitors by no less than seven strokes. All of this while having the worst sunburn known to man. Seriously, his face looked like it was made entirely of testicle skin.

Best Addition to the Skoal Family: Citrus Blend

Of the gods.

Worst Dancer: The C

We all know the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is, to her surprise, dubbed a horrible dancer. Picture the "little kicks" and then add senseless jumping up and down and screaming...that's how the C dances. Awful...just awful. Every time the C dances, God creates a new infectious disease. Don't let her do it.

Best Mack-Sesh: Fridge on the pregnant chick.

Bonus points for her being completely hammered while bearing seed and not being able to afford a cell phone. Also, the only mack session in history to be successful after a full beer was dumped on one's head.

Best Summer Drink: Miller Chill

We were going to call this category "Best Beer" but as Dana Complaina pointed out to us, this wonderful Celada Style Beer is actually found in the "malt beverages" section next to Smirnoff Ice and Twisted Teas. No matter, this stuff is unreal and goes really well with Tostitos.

Most Hot Dogs Eaten In A Single Sitting: Six and a half by Big Ron - Bad Dawgs

While not a record breaking endeavor, Big Ron eating five of his own hot dogs and then eating the one hot dog Wang couldn't finish horrified not only us, but the small children sitting beside us.

Best Use of a Taser: N/A

Worst Use of a Taser: DJ Dougie

I hate you Dougie and I hope you get hit by a Mack Truck.

Best Bar: Club OG

Cocktails mixed with Monster Energy drinks, Scorpion Bowls, little pudgy men kissing R Von D and Fridge on top of the head, a cage for dancing and Barnacle Bill all set in scenic Weirs Beach, NH. If I died today of a massive coronary, I'd rather go to Oriental Gardens than Heaven...there I said it.

Best Jersey Purchased: Carl Crawford, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Good work doughboy.

Best Use of Livestock: K-Rock and the Goat

Proving it's never "too early for goats," K-Rock culminated Wilkipalooza by throwing live goats into people's tents and shutting the door while they were still sleeping. How he managed to catch a goat at 8:00 am while still drunk and on two hours sleep will forever remain a mystery to us all.

Worst Use of Livestock: Fridge and Domn8r at the Yee

The entire lack of shame and standards inherit throughout this endeavor will forever be something of legend. Gave new meaning to the term "goin' hoggin'."
Fridge's note: (I will be marketing t-shirts in the coming weeks bearing the slogan I PLAYED WINGMAN FOR DOM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS CRAPPY T-SHIRT.)

Best Drink Promotion: "Kick the Keg" at Penuche's

$1.50 drafts until the keg is gone. Honestly what better way to get people arrested on the way home.

Best Drunk Dial: Conor "the King of Manchester":

You're just going to have to trust me on this one. In a word: epic.

Worst Brokeback Experience: Fridge Lathers Ron Von Don

There is nothing cool about rubbing SPF 30 into one of your regular pal's backs.

Worst Use of Sleeves: Hefe

It's summer, it's hot, you're in a crowded bar sweating, but you feel like you need to at least wear a tshirt with sleeves on it because you're embarassed about your scrawny arms. Not Hefe. This kid would go cut-off on an arctic expedition. Our friends are hard to the core, core to the rotten, jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton.

Best Blog: Pen 15 Club

Worst Blog: Chronicles of Duke

Angriest Sober Person: K-Rock

The amount of joy we all felt when K-Rizzle finally got drunk this summer is indescribable. You could actually see the bitterness and sarcasm melt away from his face, his arms came uncrossed and he finally started to enjoy his life. Big shout out to Hambone and Wilkipalooza for helping K-Rock be himself again.

Angriest Drunk Person: Baron Von D

When I'm sober I tolerate you. When I'm drunk I loathe the very thought of you. I will add though that after a truly Bacchanalian Summer such as this one (please look that word up) I have decided to go "dry" until the night before Thanksgiving. Recently I have learned that it's not socially acceptable to bite aluminum cans in half. For one, it makes me look like a complete psycho. Also, it provokes other people, fat annoying dipshit people, to attempt this and cut their mouths open. You're not as cool as me.

Best Web Gem: Hambone's Faceplant

Hambone impaled himself into the ground at Amherst Middle School laying out for a fly ball to right field. It was hilarious. I mean half the people there wet themselves hilarious.

Best Stomach Evacuation of the Summer: K-Rock vs. the Scorpion Pitcher

One time K-Rock had too many scorpion bowls and vomited everywhere. He didn't clean it up or flush the toilet. He acted real surprised when Mrs. K-Rock informed him of his actions the next day. K-Rock had another internal debate regarding the merits of a Month of Detox. Detox lost.

Best Insult: "You Fat Mess"

Used liberally throughout the summer to anyone and everyone. Nobody was safe from the Pen15 Club's signature insult. Male, female, doesn't matter. You knew that at some point you had this phrase coming your way. If you never heard us say this to you directly, it is more than likely how we referred to you when you weren't around or just simply out of earshot.


While we at the club will continue to post over the course of the year, we are sad to see our first summer as a team go. Yet, we look forward to more posts, more writers to come (including Hambone) and new shit to be angry about. Thanks to all of you for your continued support. Now get back to work, you fat mess.

See you in hell,
The Pen15 Club