A Frank and Honest Discussion With Fridge and The C

Fridge: C, I'd like to know why you've shut me down all those times I invited you to come down the hill for a late night visit?

The C: Fridge, you typically invite me down to your lair at around 2 am. Most of the time you can't even find your keys so I doubt you will be able to find my G spot.

The C: Fridge, I'd like to know why you consistently invite your male friends to sports outings, special events, etc.

Fridge: whatever C, I brought you to a wedding, and you just let me pass out sweating in your living room without even an giving me a chance at a late night rendezvous.

Fridge: that's the last time I bring you anywheres

Fridge: remember when you invited me to a semi formal dance at an unnamed college last year, then invited the little angry elf to ruin our date, unless you were going for a little menage action...which you know i'd be down with, i cant speak for the other half of this blog though

The C: Ron Von Don is the type of dude who'd be down for a lil finger cuffs and then smack you five right in the middle

Fridge: admit it, you'd love to go skiing (one pole in each hand) with the revue

The C: I think it would give me a better sense of who you both really are and whether or not you compensate for certain deficiencies if I could hit the slopes

The C: u know u'd both be sizing each other up

Fridge: if you had to take an educated guess

Fridge: who do you think could better fill your womanly needs

The C: well I don't need a soda can here...It doesn't really matter all that much as long as we aren't talking about the elusive pencil dick

The C: but an educated guess based upon hand size/height/general bravado/ethnicity would lead me to guess R Von D

Fridge: elusive? i've lived down the hill from you for twenty years. i'm not that elusive.

The C: I was talking more about the urban legend all girls hear...you go to hook up with a dude and start to get going and its like a pencil

Fridge: that's what i was talking about too.

Fridge: moving on....what was your highlight of this past summer?

The C: Good question Fridge...it would probably have to be R Von Ds birthday

Fridge: how could that possibly be better than my birthday?

The C: someone was so enamored with his new gf that he was forced to show up real late (we were told we were lucky he showed up at all), he stayed 10 minutes and then went home and passed a stone

Fridge: kidney stones are serious business you cunt

Fridge: my favorite part of the summer was after the Brothers McFat's Graduation Party

Fridge: we went to the Garden, you insulted RVD, then proceeded to run down main st with a twisted tea in your hand

The C: you are a mediator

The C: a problem solver if you will

Fridge: that's the second time in 2007 that you've nearly jumped into the nashua river off of that bridge

The C: Fridge

The C: hypothetically

The C: if you were my beau and I got appendicitis, how would you take care of me?

Fridge: we'd head right for the hospital, let the dorks who passed biology figure it out

Fridge: what else would you expect?

The C: would you come visit?

The C: I'd expect flowers, daily visits and tons of TLC

Fridge: i'd rub cocoa butter on your bed sores

The C: would u help me use the bedpan?

Fridge: only if you promised to never get a period again.

The C: don't you want kids?

Fridge: yes, i just want you to be the magic womb that doesnt have to purge once a month

Fridge: I've heard that lame "ragtime" excuse so many times in my life, I never want to hear it again.

Fridge: "Not tonight, it sucks to be a chick this time of the month."

Fridge: "Sorry, Auntie Flow is visiting."

The C: The odds are pretty good

The C: you only have about 75% chance of getting me on a day when Im not entertaining guests

Fridge: so Madame C, if we were to reproduce

Fridge: what would some of the pros and cons be about the genes, personality traits, etc that i would bring to the table

The C: Cons: Our child would have terrible bowel ailments, surely he or she would have a drinking problem and be cursed with a small penis. Additionally, whenever our little bundle of joy made "the window face" I would probably laugh so hard I would drop lil Fridge on his noggin.

The C: Pros: You could be a stay at home father, you probably wouldn't be repulsed when I gained weight around my ass, FUPA and jaw. I wouldn't feel too bad when I lose control of my bowels as you'd have deep empathy for me. Finally...we'd get to do it!!

Fridge: that kid would have the best drinking tolerance and worst taste in the opposite sex on this planet

The C: alright...dress our offspring in their favorite outfits: male and female

Fridge: seeing as my mother tortured me as a youth by making me wear overalls and suspenders on a daily basis, it's time to get back at her by subjecting the fruit of our collective loins to the same

The C: overalls and suspenders at the same time? Daddy likes

Fridge: i can picture a son of mine roaming the world wearing only 100% cotton all the time

Fridge: and a daughter of mine will be dressed head to toe like a devout Muslim, not showing one piece of flesh, because i have friends like ron von don who think dirty thoughts and friends like rboobs who act on dirty thoughts

The C: interesting choice

Fridge: i think some of the readers would like to know why you subject yourself to hanging out with the two main authors of the blog so much

The C: I highly doubt our readers are all that concerned, but I will try the best to make sense of my own insanity.

The C: 1.) I hang out with you Fridge because its usually convenient -- you live within 500 feet from my house when I go to my parents. We have mutual friends when Im at school, so you usually come and visit me. But most importantly, you are the opposite of a hangover...you don't come on quickly and you are gone usually by 8 am the next morning.

The C: 2.) I hang out with Ron Von Don because he is the master of the Internet. He has pretty much seen it all and hes the only person on my buddy list at ALL times of the day -- Im talking 8 am, 4:27 am, 5:30 pm...he sits on his computer and trolls the net.

The C: I know you can't speak for the Baron, but why do you hang out with me?

Fridge: 1. You make me feel stable.
2. You have a mustache.
3. You quote Caddyshack at the most inappropriate times.

The C: Oh wait...I have a real question

The C: one of my friends was orally pleasuring a male that she has had a crush on for quite some time...while in the midst of felating his member, he asked her to stop

The C: please tell me what this means

Fridge: she was probably using teeth

The C: that was a test....she was

Fridge: that is literally the most painful thing ever

The C: wrong

Fridge: fine child birth

The C: yes, but also ...I can guarantee that 85% of men have no idea what they are doing when they trying to orally please a woman

Fridge: i'm well aware of that, that's why i stay away

The C: completely? you gotta at least try or she will think you are selfish

Fridge: fine madame, i'll try next time we are together

The C: ok I want you to

Fridge: well i think we've given the reader enough of an idea of how our social interactions go. anything else you can think of that you want to let the loyal Pen15 reader know?

The C: IM SINGLE

The C: Love Ugly men who treat me bad

The C: and will take any interested men out to dinner. C's Treat.

Fridge: she's lying. I've been trying for years. I am wholly convinced that your purpose for living is to make me feel inadequate and unimportant. That's what a real C does.

The C: not true

The C: Im hurt

The C: u know I love u

Fridge: on that positive note, we'll end this discussion. we'll be debuting a new weekly column on the blog within the next few weeks. fridge and the C will be dishing advice on your troublesome love lives. feel free to hit us up with some questions at penfifteenblog@gmail.com

Inspiration From a Thirds Football Coach

Thirds football, for those of you who do not know, is the bottom of the athletic barrel. Basically what I do is teach non-athletes how to compete in one of the worlds most demanding games. The Thirds football team is below the Junior Varsity level, which in turn has me dealing with mostly freshman. In addition to freshman, however, I also get my share of sickly and uncoordinated upper-classmen. Still, even with the lack of athleticism on the field, we somehow manage to win. With a bucket full of trick plays and all-out blitz defense (since nobody in thirds football can pass) our squad is a force to be reckoned with. I say "force" because the teams on our schedule also include some middle schools.

It is also my duty as head coach to inspire these young men to go into battle showing their teeth and to be ready at all times to strike fear and inflict pain unto their enemies. Here are some ways I have inspired them during practice in preparation for our first game this Wednesday.


During a low-energy, low-intensity practice:

Me: You know guys, there are better things I could be doing right now other than watching you not try out here. Some of the other coaches have families they could spending time with. As for me, I could be spending time STARTING a family.

Team: (Laughter)

Me: (realizing what I just said) ... All of you take a lap.


On injuries:

Fat, soft lineman: Um...coach? I like have this thing. It's like asthma, but it's not really asthma. Like, I can play and stuff, but I can't, like ya know, run. I mean, I don't have an inhaler or anything, but like I have trouble breathing sometimes...I don't know.

Me: So you don't have asthma, but you can't do anything that involves fitness. Basically what you're telling me is that you want to play football, but you don't want to take part in anything other than games.

Fat, soft lineman: I guess.

Me: Get off my field.

Fat, soft lineman: What?

Me: Go to the nurse, Timmy.

(At this time I am still not sure of this kid's name was Timmy. He never came back.)

ANOTHER SCENARIO:

Kid: Uh, coach, I don't think I can run today, I have a hip thing.

Me: A hip thing?

Kid: Yeah.

Me: Tell you what, I bet you just need to stretch your "hip thing" out a little bit. Why don't you be a bruin for me and take a lap.

In preparation for our first game:

Me: Many of you have noticed that I now have a mustache. I'm getting a lot of questions as to why I would sully such a beautiful face and seemingly hurt my chances with the ladies. The answer, gentlemen, is simple: I am more committed to this football team and looking grizzled than I am to finding a significant other. My entire day actually is spent thinking about how I can somehow win football games and make you all miserable at the same time...just playin'. All kidding aside though, somebody had to come correct before we play our first game on Wednesday. And the only way I know to look hard and make my enemy fear me is to grow a mustache. I would have told all of you to do it, but most of your voices haven't even changed yet...so naturally, I had to do all the hardening up for you. Take a lap.

Football team: (Awestruck silence)


To me, there is no better way to build character and team unity than having people take a lap. And I know that we will be ready for our first game this Wednesday. If nothing else, we will be in better aerobic shape than the team we are playing. And you know, the coach in "Remember the Titans" was hated by his team at first, same with Ed "Straight Arrow" Genero in "Necessary Roughness." All of the greatest football coaches in history started out as real pricks. Legends continue to be pricks throughout. I'm hoping to be the latter.

With Mustache,
R Von D

Reason #237 Why I Hate Journey

Two years ago during my first fall as a teacher, one of my students came bounding into my classroom on a Monday morning. He told me that he had the best weekend of his life and he couldn't wait to tell me about it. Curious, I asked him to tell me what had him so hyper early on a Monday when most other students were cursing the heavens (and parents) for bringing them to such a place. He told me that his father and he had gone to a Journey concert and, in his own words, "It was the balls." After some lengthy discussion as to what is appropriate language inside of an academic building, this student informed me that he had a surprise for me. I recoiled at my desk, fearing the worst, only to find myself presented with a Journey CD, a sampler of their new material. It's not that I don't like Journey, it's just that I find other people like them entirely way too much. Even so, I thanked him for the gesture, briefly read the track list on the back, and continued on with class. This CD would sit in the bottom drawer of my desk for the next two years...until today.

Being the mover and shaker that I am, I was told that because of my service to the school, and because I had proven myself time and time again to be the ultimate weapon against stupidity the school I work at gave me a much bigger classroom. And so, I had to move the contents of my desk with me to the new digs. Anxious to get myself settled, I sat in between classes, fussing with my desk and the chair arrangement of the classroom (I find the squared-off "U" shape to be the most conducive to a productive classroom atmosphere). The last thing I had to do in order to REALLY feel at home though was to filter through the contents of my desk. There were some things in there I really didn't need anymore, so I figured now was as good a time as any to get rid of some shit. After some digging, I found the aforementioned Journey CD.

Being a patron of the arts, I was torn as to whether or not to throw the CD away. In my mind, the contents of this CD could be the best pieces of music ever created, so why should it go to waste just because I don't particularly care for the band who made it. So, being the diplomat I am, I offered it to my students. With a flip of my wrist, I tossed the CD case to one of the kids and went on checking homework and beginning the lesson for the day. Five minutes later, I heard what is now the single hardest laugh I have ever heard in my life.

I whipped around to see why my class was being disrupted only to see two of my students beet red and almost in tears. They swore that it was nothing I had said. My response to that was then "Well alright, who farted then?" Again, the two shook their heads. Becoming more frustrated, I demanded to know what was so funny. To them, it was because I wanted to embarrass them. In my mind, I just didn't want to be left out of a seemingly awesome joke. I checked my fly and wiped at my nose, for I was suspicious one of those two things would have made the joke on me, but neither was the case. Finally, one of the boys laughing said the content of the CD case is what they were laughing at. I only looked for a second, but when I opened the case I saw only a pink CD with "Hustler" across the top. Porn. Instantly I got that feeling that I used to get when I was a kid when my dad pulled into the garage and I knew I was in deep shit. Full panic.

My first response was "HOLY SHIT!" which made the kids laugh even harder. I then spent the next five minutes explaining to them that the contents of that case were not mine, and I have no idea how that got there. As my mind raced, I began to feel a tightness in my chest that I have never felt before. Typically, every plea I made to them was met with the sarcastic "suuuuuuuure" that I myself would have made had the situation been reversed. Still, I began to think that my life was a cartoon for others to mock. Nervously, I told them that this story was not to leave this classroom. Now, I know that this is never going to go how I wanted it to go, and I will certainly be mocked tomorrow for this incident, but since I have no reason to lie here I will tell you, my dear reader, I have no idea where that shit came from. I think the situation would have been easier if it was mine actually. That way I would have no reason to be mad or anxious, because it was my own dumbass fault. It wouldn't be the first time. One time I went to send my ex-girlfriend the Rick James skit from Chappelle's Show only to send her a lesbian shower scene instead. Oh well.

In my eyes, this is probably the single most embarrassing moment of my professional life, so much so that it needed to be shared with all of you while it was still fresh in my mind. In the end, I really have nobody to blame, because the kid who gave me the CD is gone to college now. And so, I will focus all of my energy on hating the only people who deserve my special brand of wrath, and that's Journey. That band sucks and it's all their fault. If I liked the CD the kid gave me, I would have never had this problem. As it is, they suck and I had no interest in their music and that led to a porn bomb exploding in my newly fashioned classroom. Fuck Journey.

As an aside, all you karaoke hacks, please DO stop believing so I can finish my mai thai instead of throwing it at you...shit don't grow on trees.


R Von D

An R Von D Quick-Hitter From This Past Weekend

If you were not aware, Fridge and I had a small reunion of sorts in the Fighting City of Waltham this weekend. And while there wasn't much to report (a few odds and ends, really), one specific conversation stood out in my mind. Let me paint the scene: We were in a bar called "Big City" putting on an intense (and VERY public) display of bloody knuckles when we were approached by two young men wearing fraternity shirts. They explained to us that they were trying to sell us butane lighters that I've seen people use for crack and crystal meth on the television. One of these young men noticed Fridge's "LLOYD!!" t-shirt. Fridge, being a huge Entourage fan decided to have a bit of fun with this young man. The following conversation ensued:

Frat Boy: Whoa, nice Lloyd t-shirt man, you watch that show?

Fridge: What show?

Frat Boy: Entourage. You know, Lloyd...Ari's assistant?

Fridge: What's an Ari?

Frat Boy: Are you kidding? Ari's this dude and Lloyd is his super-gay assistant.

R Von D: How gay? Like being in a frat gay?

Frat Boy: (stunned silence)

Fridge: K bye.

(Frat boy exits stage left)

While this is not my longest entry, I thought that this was too priceless to let slip away into the ether. I truly believe that the Fridge and I make strangers more uncomfortable than anybody else on the planet once a few drinks are involved. After the frat boy left, Fridge then started using the foosball levers to hit girls in the ass while I proudly sipped upon my white russian. If you want to hang out with us, we are available for parties at penfifteenblog@gmail.com.


With confidence,
Ron

Decoding Your "C"

It has been a while since my last “live journal” entry. In spite of some typical chauvinists’ inane humor, I am told my contributions were “tolerated.” Therefore, I figured it was high time the men of the Pen 15 Club got a bit more insight into “the female mind” (and no that is NOT an oxymoron). In an effort to expose readers, and more importantly Fridge, K-Rock, and Ron Von Don to feminine wants and needs, I have listed 10 phrases below frequently utilized by women such as myself. Should the Pen 15 boys find themselves in a situation where they need to cover their ass...LISTEN UP.

1.) “FINE” – Women often utilize this word to end an argument. It means we are right and it is time for you to shut up.

2.) “NOTHING” – Men should realize that this word signifies the calm before the storm. Keep your antennae up and feign an understanding demeanor. Fights that start with “nothing” typically end with use of the word “fine.”

3.) “THAT’S OK” – One of the most dangerous words a female can use on her male counterpart. You can be assured that a woman is thinking long and hard about how she will make you pay in the near future.

4.) “FIVE MINUTES” – When getting ready, five minutes roughly translates to about a half hour. Note, however, that use of this phrase when a woman is waiting for a man to clean up after himself or finish watching sports actually means five minutes.

5.) “(Loud Sigh)” – Though a loud sigh is technically not a phrase, but nonverbal communication, it too is often misunderstood by the less fairer sex. A loud sigh means a woman thinks you are a moron. She wonders why she is wasting her valuable time on you.

6.) “GO AHEAD” – Warning: This is a dare. The word in no way indicates you have a woman’s permission or approval. Do not do it!!!

7.) “THANKS” – Listen carefully to a woman’s tone. This word is often used sarcastically when you boneheads once again let us down. However, there are rare occurrences when the word is thrown about sincerely. In any event, we are actually uttering our appreciation. Do not question it and just respond with a “you’re welcome.”

8.) “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT” – Also a dangerous statement. Do not be misled. Usually a woman tells a man to do something at least 3-5 times, but is now forced to perform the task herself. A woman will harbor resentment leading a man to ask “what’s wrong.” For the answer to this question see #2.

9.) “NO” – Contrary to popular male beliefs “No” does not mean yes and yes does not always mean yes. Women are complicated flowers who often have complicated reasons for their statements. As soon as we want something or have an opinion to express, we will let you know.

10.) “WHATEVER” – The female “Fuck You.”

Learn it, love it, live it!!

“The C”

Fridge's Thoughts on Britney Spears

Ron Von Don took the liberty of informing the world that "Fridge heart Fat Britney" in his snoozefest blog about reality tv. Well it's true. I am madly in love with Britney Spears. I know she looked a little doughy at the VMA's and has had a "paunch" for the better part of the past 3 years. Let's be honest with ourselves for a minute though, she looks better than MOST of the ladies found on the Revue's Southern NH Chinese buffet karaoke bar circuit, and that's good enough for me. If Britney is to read any of this post, please get in touch with me at PENFIFTEENBLOG@GMAIL.COM and you can fly me out to LA for an introductory date at an all-you-care-to-eat buffet or at the local In N Out Burger. (I'll have the 4x4 Animal Style.)

I will now list all of the redeeming qualities of Britney Spears and reasons I would thoroughly enjoy being her husband:

1. She probably has the master tapes of Kevin Federline's POPOZAO song, and I could probably get ten grand for those on EBay (Ron Von Don + The Steege just might rob a bank in order to be the top bidders.)
2. She's already had kids, clearly she pokes. (So we cool.)
3. She apparently enjoys a cocktail every once in a while, as does el Fridgerino.
4. She rarely wears underwears.
5. At this point, her vocal skills would fit in at most of the karaoke bars that she and I would haunt.
6. Her bank account is larger than the Gross National Product of Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and the United Arab Emirates combined.
7. I don't think she can pass "it" to me since she's already on Valtrex.
8. She can't dance very well anymore. So she won't be embarassed to see me attempt to full body dry heave every time "MY HUMPS" comes on when we're hitting top L.A. hot-spots.
9. She rolls with 50 Cent every once in a while. That = more free Vitamin Water for Sunday afternoon softball.
10. She definitely already owns and has the skills to operate a fryolator.



XOXO,
The Future Mr. Fridge Spears

MTV Gets The Good Ol' Rub 'N Tug From Tila Tequila

So here’s the thing:

I’m sitting in my apartment the other day waiting for this “Life of Ryan” show to come on. Admittedly, I was hoping that my dreams were realized and that the ridiculous nature of my life was simply fodder for a new reality show that I was unaware of. Sadly, it’s a show about some kid named Sheckler who whines for a half hour at a time about his parents being divorced…weak. I would have made better use of a reality television show called “Life of Ryan”…just sayin’. The point of this though is as I was watching this show, arms folded and with my trademark scowl across my face, I saw a commercial for a show called “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila.” For those of you who are not privy to who this girl is. She’s a little sprite of an Asian with boobs larger than her head. She also has the distinction of having the most friends on both Friendster and Myspace. I like to think that she is relevant only because most guys have a touch of the “yellow fever” as I call it. As odd as that may sound, ask any guy who is honest and he will tell you that he finds Asian girls attractive. Just last year there was a big prostitution sting in Northwest Connecticut at a massage parlor. Apparently backs and calves were not the only things getting smoothed out by the young Asian girls who were illegally employed by said establishment. In fact, I was sitting at lunch with some of my friends when this story hit the news. And instead of being appalled or laughing, all of us were pissed off that nobody told us about this place. Again, I’m not sayin’…but I’m just sayin’.

So what is the point of all of this? It seems as though Miss Tequila has thrown a wrinkle in the playbook that is reality TV dating shows. Instead of just inviting sweaty old men and slick looking guidos with open shirts, she has decided to make hers a bisexual dating show. That’s right; she’s going to have sixteen women and sixteen men contesting for her love and affection. While you may see this as good television, I would state the following. I know that a girl is going to win on this television show. I know this because that’s the only way people will watch it. Let’s take a more critical look at what is going on.

Presumably everybody has been to a party where alcohol is involved. From the time I was eighteen until about twenty-four, parties did not change all that much. We had the people who got way too drunk and started a fight, whether it was verbal or physical. There were the people who got way too drunk and threw up and passed out where nobody could find them (one time I had a roommate pass out in the snow). Then there were the people like me who participated in the party, but also took stock of everything that was going on to mock people the next day. And finally, there was the girl who thought it was awesome to make out with other girls while dudes cheered them on. Sound all too familiar? This show is one of those parties for a twelve week period. And as a person who has attended those parties, I will tell you…girls making out with each other gets old, I don’t care how hot they are. Sure the first time you see it, it’s exciting because it’s just like one of those movies you stole from your older brother. But after a while, you become desensitized to the faux sexuality inherent therein.

I see the world like this. There are straight people, and there are gay people, everybody else who claims to be “bisexual” is an attention whore. Tila Tequila, the little blonde Asian girl whose parents probably made her play violin when she was younger does not like girls, she likes attention. And she’s smart enough (probably because of her strict upbringing) to know that you as Americans will watch TV if it is even hinted that girls will be making out with each other. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll know who Tila Tequila is after the show is over. Apparently this chick has over two million Myspace friends and I’ve never heard of her. What does that tell you?

In closing, I will say people like Bret Michaels, Flava Flav, “New York”, and Tila Tequila encompass everything that is wrong with this country. Do me a favor. If you want to see girls making out, do what the rest of us do; hit up the world wide interweb, watch for fifteen minutes, give yourself some bat and be done with it, and then take a monster nap. That is the American way, which is also the R Von D way.

Wanna make out,

Rizzle Von-izzle Dizzle

ps - Fridge heart fat Britney