Guidelines For Any Professional Man of Leisure

As permanent fixtures of the bar scene, we at the Pen 15 Club fancy ourselves Godfathers of all things leisurely. From our collective intellect, to our high daily caloric intake, to the amount of men's magazines read on the john, we are unmatched in nearly every arena. And so, we wish to impart upon you people a few guidelines for any man looking to become a professional man of leisure.


- If you are going to make less money than your female spouse, only these positions are acceptable: Teacher, video game tester, bartender, police officer.

- If you have a hi-definition television, you are obligated to host Sunday afternoon/evening get-togethers for sporting events.

- Disney movies, romantic comedies, and "The Notebook" are only acceptable for viewing if coitus is provided after said movie.

- It is socially acceptable to pop cedar when making out with or slow dancing with a young woman.

- Misogynistic jokes and jokes about handicapped people are always socially acceptable.

- It is a social faux pas for a group of men to get together for a soccer game.

- Whether in billiards, darts, video games, or wiffle ball; winner stays, loser pays.

- When seated at a table for dinner, it is customary to ask people to pass condiments...unless that condiment is Frank's Red Hot. In the case of Franks, one must simply grunt, reach across the table, and use half the bottle for a single chicken breast.

- When watching Caddyshack, it is polite to quote as much of the movie aloud as possible whether in mixed company or alone.

- When one gentleman buys another a 7+7, he expects one in return.

- When one gentleman buys a group of gentlemen a pitcher of Scorpion Drink, he expects some suckling assistance on the other straws.

- When one gentleman uses a public rest facility, he is expected to double flush to prevent staining of the bowl.

- You are also obligated to leave a space of one urinal between men. If there isn't a space, you use the stall, if the stall is in use, you wait.

- It is perfectly acceptable in a social setting to eat a chicken wing in a single bite.

- The video game "Guitar Hero" must be played standing up, no exceptions.

R Von D's Internet Videos of the Week: Vol. 1

As I have been dubbed by K-Rock and Fridge as the undisputed "King of the Internet," it is my duty to bring to you various and awesome internet videos for your viewing pleasure. As I am funnier, thinner, less angry, and significantly shorter than Patrice O'Neil, I feel as though I am the authority on internet humor. Away we go:

1. Death Metal Alf

This video combines two things that I love more than anything in the world: Alf and Heavy Metal. No internet videos encapsulate who I am as a person better than this:




2. The Trailer For "Strange Wilderness"

Say what you want about the state of Hollywood movies. But, any movie combining Kevin Hefferenan (Farva from 'Super Troopers'), Steve Zahn (Cowboy Wayne from 'Saving Silverman'), Jonah Hill (the fat kid from 'Superbad'), the guy from Grandma's boy, and the guy from the Mac commercials, you got yourself a winner. Seriously, this is like my comedy Justice League. Also, if you don't laugh at the part with the buck-toothed shark at the end, you're not a human being. You're a son of a bitch communist.




3. Australian kid throws party, 500 people show up, cause $20,000 worth of damage, kid refuses to take his sunglasses off.

That pretty much sums it up. There is nothing about this kid that isn't awesome, except for maybe his nipple ring and the fact that he's from a continent that was founded as a British convict colony. Other than that though, I want to hang out with this kid.



4. T.O. Is A Crybaby Bitch

Why are you crying about Tony Romo? For one, he sucks. Two, Jessica Simpson's career and saggy boobs suck. Her dad sold out Romo and pimped out his daughter to the paparazzi. And yet, T.O. (not to be outdone), has to put on the waterworks during a press conference to show the world that he's an attention whore who cannot bear to not have the cameras on him. Enjoy the extra month off-season you miserable C. We all know your "quawtabag" will nailing yesterday's news. That doesn't sound to "unfurr" now does it T.O.?



5. Swing Backflip Goes Wrong.

YES!!


Swing Backflip Goes Bad - Watch more free videos


I hope you enjoy these and there will be more of these to come in the future.

- R Von D

Monday Night Raw + Mohegan Sun = Heaven on Earth

Monday, January 7I took a half day from work and headed towards Uncasville, CT at approximately 2pm. A quick 90 minute shot down the Pike and 395 and I was parked in the Summer Garage on the Mohegan Reservation. I met up with my associates Big Ron (of Winnepasaukee fame), Tuba, Little Tuba, Pete and Crouch. To say we were a motley looking crue would be an understatement. Cowboy hats, WWE t-shirts, ill-fitting black shirts on Big Ron, etc. To say we felt out of place at Mohegan Sun on a Monday afternoon at 4pm would also be an understatement, as we weren’t smoking butts, Asian or a member of the AARP.

We decided that our first mission would be to get our feed on. We found a $20 all-you-can-eat buffet near the Casino of the Sky. The fact that the gross weight of the five of us was approximately 1200 lbs led to concern and fear on behalf of the staff at this buffet. We harvested all the foodstuffs we could for approximately 45 minutes and at one point I think Big Ron actually could have been considered “sweaty” care of how hard he was working on finishing his fifth plate of hard boiled eggs and pork fried rice.

Mission two was to steal back some winnings from the money-grubbing Native Americans who had gouged all of us on previous occasions. Big Ron and Pete found their luck at a blackjack table featuring a dealer named Xin. I do not know if he/she was a male or female, nor do I know how to pronounce that name. Tuba rocked a roulette table next to a man drinking straight Johnny Walker for about 45 minutes. I, being unable to take the up and down of all this betting, decided I would place only one bet. I lost $40 on one spin of the roulette wheel. Somehow I don’t think that was worth 2 hours of working.

We left the Casino at about 645pm because we thought Monday Night Raw had an early start this evening and that we needed to be at our 3rd row seats on the floor by 7pm. Unfortunately, we were confused about the start time and ended up being those 6 fat guys smushed into seats an hour before there’s anything going on in the arena. While we were a little tight in our seats, I can guarantee you that I was the happiest little boy in the Mohegan Sun Arena and that everyone in our general vicinity was wildly amused by our antics all evening. Yelling “you’re fired” in the Vince McMahon voice for 45 minutes before the wrestling actually began really kept the toothless wonders sitting around us in stitches.

Some highlights from the show included:
A lingerie pillow fight between 5 WWE Divas.
Fridge making “the stroke face” at Good Ole’ JR (he had a stroke a few years ago.)
Big Ron taking pictures of the thong that the girl in the row in front of us was wearing.
Pete and I cheering for every heel (look it up.)
Tuba’s “I Heart HBK” theme for the evening.
The fact that there’s a wrestler named Mr. Kennedy.
A Hacksaw Jim Duggan sighting. Hooooooo.
Spotted sign in the crowd: “EVERYONE HERE IS A JOKE.”
Spotted sign in the crowd: “UMAGA EATS BABIES.”
Spotted sign in the crowd: “HARDY IS 1#”
Big Ron jumping up like a little girl everytime the pyrotechnics went off.
Chris Jericho almost getting lynched.
The uber-homosexual Jeff Hardy dropping a “Whisper in the Wind” off of the top of a cage

I can honestly say that I’ve never had as much fun in an arena (save for UConn hoops games at Gampel) as I did that night at Mohegan Sun. I felt like I was six years old watching old school WWF but this time I was fifteen feet from the ring. I would heavily suggest that everyone attend a live televised wrestling event as soon as humanly possible. Not only will you come away amused, but due to the intelligence level of the rest of the crowd, your self esteem level will be at an all time high. And even though the Native Americans took about $100 of my money, white folks kicked their ass hundreds of years ago and they’re relegated to reservations. HA!

Fridge and R Von D's 'Bucket List'

In honor of Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman's new movie "The Bucket List," the Fridge and I have had thoughts about our own mortality. The following are our own bucket lists which are a list of things we want to do before we die. Please to be enjoying super-terrific-happy-number-one-lists.

Fridge:

- Go number two on a port-a-potty.

- Get on TV talking on a cell phone at a Red Sox Game.

- Taze a person who calls me "Bro".

- Briefly marry a celebrity whore.

- Go to Vegas and come home broke.

- See Andrew Dice Clay do stand up comedy in person.

- Smoke a cigarette in a bar in Massachusetts.

- Let the CIA waterboard me to see what it feels like.

- Write a full-length movie parody of "Brokeback Mountain" starring myself and R Von D

-Take HGH for one whole month.

-Spend an entire winter watching beisbol in the Dominican Republic.

-Sneak into Tanqueray factory with K-Rock and try to survive the night.

-Be physically removed from an all-you-can-eat buffet.

- Fall though the Spanish announce table during a wrestling match.

-Sit in the bleachers of Yankee Stadium with a Red Sox hat when the Yankees aren't playing the Red Sox.

R Von D:

- Spank a young nurse's ass while I'm in a nursing home.

- Eat an entire Carvel cake by myself.

- See an elderly couple holding hands on a beautiful spring day and tell them to "Get a fucking room."

- An Asian.

- Go on a 48 hour bender and still make it to work on time on Monday morning.

- Out drink K-Rock.

- Run up a tree or wall and do a backflip.

- Ruin a wedding.

- Win a karaoke contest.

- Have a nickname synonymous with a city or state ie.- "Memphis" or "Motor City."

- Move to Waltham.

- Pin my dad.

- Pee on a national monument.

- Convince a random woman that I am either a major league baseball scout or a minor league baseball player.

- Kill an animal with my bare hands.

- Date a stripper.

- Drink a Colt .45 out of Lord Stanley's Cup.

- Get something comped from a casino.

Addendum (I think that word makes sense here, correct if wrong Rob Van Dam)
by K-Rock

-Fix My Slice

-Tour Canadian Hunter Distillery

-Kick Tim Donaghy in nuts

-Replace Domn8r at top of Bad Dawgs list

-Literally stump the Schwab

-Blackout at a Bowling Alley

-Pet a dog without fearing for my life

-Take a pilgrimage to 1915 Moonlight Road Surry County, Virginia

-Be a high school Latin teacher