I was sitting at the kitchen table today, having coffee and an english muffin, and talking to my main homie the Fridge. Naturally, the King of the Internet's duties are never over, so I was casually surfing the web when a link popped up from El Frigedaire himself. Please view:
http://deadspin.com/5545674/the-public-humiliation-diet-a-how+to?skyline=true&s=i
Now, normally I would say this was an insult to me, but if you read the article, it is probably the best diet I could ever think of doing. Get a scale, weigh yourself, and then post it for the world to see. Yes, at the beginning people will think you're a fat prick (more like people will think I'M a fat prick), but like drinking and masturbation; the more you do it, the less people seem to care. That's my experience anyway.
Thank you Fridge for showing us all the light.
Fried eggs and bacon,
R Von D
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Seriously, What Is Wrong With You?
To quote Al Czervik, "now I know why tigers eat their young."
Seriously, if one of these idiots was my kid I'd beat the stupidity out of him, piss on everything he owned, then tell him I was just marking my territory because I bought all that shit. I just don't understand the idiocy that is today's youth. What makes a child want to act like a werewolf. I mean, granted we've all been there. I remember wanting to be a werewolf or a dracula...when I was fucking six. Grow up you goddamn crybabies, you're not a supernatural being, you're a pussbag crybaby who wears colored contacts because you suck at sports. Must be tough to stay out for a full moon on a school night. And it's good to know that if I ever want to hunt werewolves, all I have to do is set up my silver bullets and rifles next to Chik-Fil-A in the fucking Food Court. Thank God for school uniforms.
God damn,
R Von D
Seriously, if one of these idiots was my kid I'd beat the stupidity out of him, piss on everything he owned, then tell him I was just marking my territory because I bought all that shit. I just don't understand the idiocy that is today's youth. What makes a child want to act like a werewolf. I mean, granted we've all been there. I remember wanting to be a werewolf or a dracula...when I was fucking six. Grow up you goddamn crybabies, you're not a supernatural being, you're a pussbag crybaby who wears colored contacts because you suck at sports. Must be tough to stay out for a full moon on a school night. And it's good to know that if I ever want to hunt werewolves, all I have to do is set up my silver bullets and rifles next to Chik-Fil-A in the fucking Food Court. Thank God for school uniforms.
God damn,
R Von D
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The World Is Now A Better Place For All!
The stars are aligning my dear ones. I think this spring/summer is going to be the best of my life, and here is the proof.
Bo knows video games!
RVonD
Bo knows video games!
RVonD
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
More Adventures With My Grandmother...
I moved back home. Yes, the illustrious R Von D is a "boomerang kid." I needed to save money for my impending nuptials. Frig off.
So naturally, I've had the chance to spend a good amount of time with my lovely Nana. You may have read the last post that centered around her, so some of you may or may not already be privy to this one-of-a-kind gem. And while she is still the larger-than-life geriatric, things have changed a bit...she thinks she's dying.
Yes, we have moved on from simply complaining about inane things like the price of oranges, to full on acceptance of death's cruel embrace. Let me walk you through how this whole thing unfolded.
About a month ago, my mother had her knee replaced. This came with things like in-house physical and occupational therapy, a walker, and later a cane. And God bless my mother, she never complained, never wanted any help, and basically was a saint about the whole thing. Then, about two weeks ago, in the throws of my mother's recovery, my grandmother fell in the driveway coming home from "beeno"...or to the lay person "bingo." Now, I understand that an 83-year-old woman falling on a drive way in the winter is a pretty scary thing. And to be honest, we were all concerned a bit, but the next day she was walking around fine and was even laughing about her spill.
Now, over the last couple of weeks, Nana has progressed from "oh, I'm fine, dear" to "I'm ready to go." Inexplicably, we went from laughing about her fall, to:
"I think I have a black and blue,"
to "I think something is broken,"
to "I need to go the the emergency room RIGHT NOW...but I don't want Judy to drive me because of her knee, and I dont' want to be a bother, I'll just call an ambulance...but if you or your father don't mind driving me, that would be fine...I just don't want to be a bother."
Amazing.
So, she comes back from the doctor and the diagnosis was "a pinched nerve..maybe." No cracks, no breaks, not even a visible bruise. Just some discomfort for the normal person. I will now tell you that I went the next three days not seeing my grandmother even though we live in the same house. Because walking up the stairs is "just too much" for her. I DID, however, get to go to the drug store and get her stool softener and other medications though. That was great picking that up. Now, you may be wondering why I brought up my mother's knee replacement earlier. Well, dear reader, Nangus has utilized all of my mother's walking aides, including her cane AND her walker, because things are just getting to be too much for her to walk around the basement. And any attempt by my mother to explain to her that she's fine and that she's "just feeling sorry for herself" (MY MOTHER'S WORDS...NOT MINE!!) are met with "Well, I guess I'll just go to 'the home.'"
I will go on record and tell you that I love this woman. My siblings and I seriously feel that she is the female Keith Richards and cannot be killed by conventional weaponry. The Queen Mother of Guilt will forever go on muttering about death and pain, and I can't wait to see what she has my mother send me out for next. Hopefully diapers.
Oh, just in case you were wondering what one does all day down when you're near death, can't poop, and can't drive. My dear grandmother, who has been pretending to be an invalid the past week is, no word of a lie, currently at the hair dresser. Because if the Grim Reaper comes a knockin', you better have well-quaffed old-lady hair.
Prunes and plums,
R Von D
So naturally, I've had the chance to spend a good amount of time with my lovely Nana. You may have read the last post that centered around her, so some of you may or may not already be privy to this one-of-a-kind gem. And while she is still the larger-than-life geriatric, things have changed a bit...she thinks she's dying.
Yes, we have moved on from simply complaining about inane things like the price of oranges, to full on acceptance of death's cruel embrace. Let me walk you through how this whole thing unfolded.
About a month ago, my mother had her knee replaced. This came with things like in-house physical and occupational therapy, a walker, and later a cane. And God bless my mother, she never complained, never wanted any help, and basically was a saint about the whole thing. Then, about two weeks ago, in the throws of my mother's recovery, my grandmother fell in the driveway coming home from "beeno"...or to the lay person "bingo." Now, I understand that an 83-year-old woman falling on a drive way in the winter is a pretty scary thing. And to be honest, we were all concerned a bit, but the next day she was walking around fine and was even laughing about her spill.
Now, over the last couple of weeks, Nana has progressed from "oh, I'm fine, dear" to "I'm ready to go." Inexplicably, we went from laughing about her fall, to:
"I think I have a black and blue,"
to "I think something is broken,"
to "I need to go the the emergency room RIGHT NOW...but I don't want Judy to drive me because of her knee, and I dont' want to be a bother, I'll just call an ambulance...but if you or your father don't mind driving me, that would be fine...I just don't want to be a bother."
Amazing.
So, she comes back from the doctor and the diagnosis was "a pinched nerve..maybe." No cracks, no breaks, not even a visible bruise. Just some discomfort for the normal person. I will now tell you that I went the next three days not seeing my grandmother even though we live in the same house. Because walking up the stairs is "just too much" for her. I DID, however, get to go to the drug store and get her stool softener and other medications though. That was great picking that up. Now, you may be wondering why I brought up my mother's knee replacement earlier. Well, dear reader, Nangus has utilized all of my mother's walking aides, including her cane AND her walker, because things are just getting to be too much for her to walk around the basement. And any attempt by my mother to explain to her that she's fine and that she's "just feeling sorry for herself" (MY MOTHER'S WORDS...NOT MINE!!) are met with "Well, I guess I'll just go to 'the home.'"
I will go on record and tell you that I love this woman. My siblings and I seriously feel that she is the female Keith Richards and cannot be killed by conventional weaponry. The Queen Mother of Guilt will forever go on muttering about death and pain, and I can't wait to see what she has my mother send me out for next. Hopefully diapers.
Oh, just in case you were wondering what one does all day down when you're near death, can't poop, and can't drive. My dear grandmother, who has been pretending to be an invalid the past week is, no word of a lie, currently at the hair dresser. Because if the Grim Reaper comes a knockin', you better have well-quaffed old-lady hair.
Prunes and plums,
R Von D
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
You can't make this stuff up!
Extry, EXTRY!! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!
Gay, Mentally Challenged Biracial Man Claims Sexual Discrimination! And his actual name is Benjamin Grundy
...No seriously.
Gay, Mentally Challenged Biracial Man Claims Sexual Discrimination! And his actual name is Benjamin Grundy
...No seriously.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Way to go New Hampshire...
Dear Nancy Elliot,
I bet the entire internet is coming up with tons of things they want to "wiggle around in your excriment."
603 4 LIFE BITCHES!!!!
RVonD
I bet the entire internet is coming up with tons of things they want to "wiggle around in your excriment."
603 4 LIFE BITCHES!!!!
RVonD
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Greatest Photobomb of all Time Feat. Fridge
Fridge showed me this today and I almost spit coffee all over my monitor. I don't think anybody in the world is blessed with the gift to photobomb a picture like this.
BEHOLD!
Unreal
RVD
BEHOLD!
Unreal
RVD
Thursday, January 28, 2010
OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG!!!
TWO THINGS:
1) I demand that somebody buy me each of these pairs of Adidas Originals (Link below video)
2) If you don't want to buy me sneakers, you can buy me a Daft Punk helmet, because those guys are cool.
http://www.starwars.com/vault/collecting/news20091208/
May the force be with you,
D
1) I demand that somebody buy me each of these pairs of Adidas Originals (Link below video)
2) If you don't want to buy me sneakers, you can buy me a Daft Punk helmet, because those guys are cool.
http://www.starwars.com/vault/collecting/news20091208/
May the force be with you,
D
Hey Asia, WTF?!
I'm an American, I think that in our time writing on this site, we have made that perfectly clear. And since I was born a United States citizen, I have a few inherited characteristics. I am good at eating food, playing video games, and beating people up.
Many of you have read my expose on the oddities of Indian culture (dots, not feathers), and I wanted to follow that up with a journey to the far east. Like I said, being an American comes with certain traits, but for the life of me, I can't figure Asian people out. Whether Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, or anything else, it never ceases to amaze me how good these people are at the most useless things. Takeru Kobayashi ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes. Who the hell would even think to attempt something like that. There was a kid I taught when I was teaching at a summer school who couldn't speak a word of english but could do the most miraculous things with a bic pen. Here are some more examples on just how asinine these talents are. Just watch these and think of the amount of practice any of this shit took, and how much time you could save by simply not doing them. Having said that, I know that typically Asians are much more efficient than us Americans, and probably mastered these skills in 1/3 the time it would take me, but that's still way too much.
5. Contact Juggling: All I picture is how cool I thought David Bowie was in the movie "Labyrinth" only to find out that he wasn't ACTUALLY doing this. Unreal.
4. Beatboxing: Here I am thinking this is as American as apple pie. Little did I know some Japanese kid named Daichi comes along and does something like this. Whatever to this kid. I bet he sucks at football.
3. Folding Laundry: Come on...
2. Getting undressed: I actually did this the first time my fiancee asked if I wanted to have sex. She wasn't impressed, but then again I'm not Asian.
1. Whatever the hell this is: Again, this serves no purpose whatsoever but I want to learn how to do it. Also, I just want to have a slew of Asian girls follow me around just so when I do stupid stuff they can giggle like the girls in this video.
Asian Chick's Awesome Hand Ninja - Watch more Funny Videos
Fuckin' people,
R Von D
Many of you have read my expose on the oddities of Indian culture (dots, not feathers), and I wanted to follow that up with a journey to the far east. Like I said, being an American comes with certain traits, but for the life of me, I can't figure Asian people out. Whether Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, or anything else, it never ceases to amaze me how good these people are at the most useless things. Takeru Kobayashi ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes. Who the hell would even think to attempt something like that. There was a kid I taught when I was teaching at a summer school who couldn't speak a word of english but could do the most miraculous things with a bic pen. Here are some more examples on just how asinine these talents are. Just watch these and think of the amount of practice any of this shit took, and how much time you could save by simply not doing them. Having said that, I know that typically Asians are much more efficient than us Americans, and probably mastered these skills in 1/3 the time it would take me, but that's still way too much.
5. Contact Juggling: All I picture is how cool I thought David Bowie was in the movie "Labyrinth" only to find out that he wasn't ACTUALLY doing this. Unreal.
4. Beatboxing: Here I am thinking this is as American as apple pie. Little did I know some Japanese kid named Daichi comes along and does something like this. Whatever to this kid. I bet he sucks at football.
3. Folding Laundry: Come on...
2. Getting undressed: I actually did this the first time my fiancee asked if I wanted to have sex. She wasn't impressed, but then again I'm not Asian.
1. Whatever the hell this is: Again, this serves no purpose whatsoever but I want to learn how to do it. Also, I just want to have a slew of Asian girls follow me around just so when I do stupid stuff they can giggle like the girls in this video.
Asian Chick's Awesome Hand Ninja - Watch more Funny Videos
Fuckin' people,
R Von D
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Just When I Though The Internet Was Starting To Bore Me...
...You give me this. Well played, Cyberspace, well played.
As many of you know, I have a softspot in my heart for certain things. Here is an unfinished list of all the things I love in this world.
- Fat People in ill-fitting sweatsuits
- Male camel toe
- Lisps
- Epic Rat Tails
- Samurai philosophy and culture
So what did I come across today? Something so beautiful, so inspiring, so genuinely mesmerizing, that I sat in my cube and wept at the sight. It is my priviledge, as well as my distinct honor to present to you...Phillip.
Peace in yo' crease,
RVonD
As many of you know, I have a softspot in my heart for certain things. Here is an unfinished list of all the things I love in this world.
- Fat People in ill-fitting sweatsuits
- Male camel toe
- Lisps
- Epic Rat Tails
- Samurai philosophy and culture
So what did I come across today? Something so beautiful, so inspiring, so genuinely mesmerizing, that I sat in my cube and wept at the sight. It is my priviledge, as well as my distinct honor to present to you...Phillip.
Peace in yo' crease,
RVonD
Monday, January 11, 2010
HOLY EFFING ESS!
Thanks for giving your brains to our country, lads.
Epic Wheel Of Fortune Fail - Watch more Funny Videos
Epic Wheel Of Fortune Fail - Watch more Funny Videos
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)