ENEMIES OF THE FRIDGE

There are a lot of people, places, and things out in this cruel world that I define as my enemies. I am a simple creature, and I rarely feel neutral about issues. I enjoy this because there is no “grey-area” for confusion in my life. The following is a list of just a select few of the things in the world that are out there to inhibit my progress toward that lofty, yet simple goal of happiness. Early returns of my 25 full years on earth indicate that eventually reaching this goal is doubtful.

ENEMY 1 - Humidity - I fucking hate it. I can stand heat. I really can. I hate that stupid phrase "it's not the heat, it's the humidity," because it's so stupid but true. I went to Phoenix in June two years ago and I (extremely) legitimately thought about never coming home. It was gorgeous and comfortable, yet my fears of flying, change and commitment probably will lead to me not leaving the Metro West suburbs of Boston until I'm deceased. I hate the way that my testicles spread out like bat wings and stick to the insides of my thighs on humid days. I hate the way I cannot stop sweating. I hate paying for air conditioning. I like the months of March and November. I also enjoy time spent in the Freezer aisle at the grocery store.

ENEMY 2 - Low Flush Capacity Toilets - I am a large man, with exquisite dining tastes and classy eating habits. However, to say I may gorge or overindulge on occassion would be also accurate. Too many members of the exclusive club called friends and family are currently living in homes that were constructed in the era just after World War 2. Funny enough, many landlords/homeowners have seen no need to purchase a new toilet since 1950. Don't they understand that the average fatso in America today is consuming a combination of protein shakes, cheap ale, burritos, steak tips and late night chinese food on a weekly basis? The shit monster from Dogma was the 4th roommate at my college apartment. I really have become a pro at plunging of late, though. Luckily, no incidents at the new residence. Yet. In turn, I have really been letting them fly at the office. The day I clog an industrial strength commercial toilet will be the day I light off firecrackers and throw a parade for myself. Yay Fridge!

ENEMY 3 - K-Rock - This stupid dick has been a pain in my ass since I was 2 years old and he was born. True story, when he was 2 and I was 4 he bit me square on the toucas and took out a chunk of flesh. Ever since then, he's basically always been better at sports and more athletic than I have. Whenever I am successful at anything, like having a job and money, he one ups me by winning a National Championship in a manly sport like rugby. In other news, I played tennis in high school. He hits home runs or flies out to left field every at bat during softball games. I generally ground out to the shortstop and then sulk. Luckily, he's a really lousy drunk and probably won't have any long term success or friends.

ENEMY 4 - Starbucks (Non) Rainbow Cookies - Simpleton. That's me. When I buy a cookie called "rainbow," I assume and have come to know from past experience that I am going to have red, blue, green, orange and brown M+M's. Recently, Starbucks started skimping on the first three colors and all of their cookies have been brown and orange M+M-laden. For some reason, these cookies have also been causing the runs . Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm a fat mess and need to stop eating cookies and drinking lattes every day.

ENEMY 5 - Fenway Park - Tiniest fucking seats ever. Good to know that R Von D's Uncle "Jockey" and extended family are the only people in America that fit in the stupid place. I am not obese or ridiculously tall. I am probably an average sized white male. I cannot possibly be expected to sit in that shithole for a 4 inning game. Awful. If I ever hear the phrase "Lyric Little Bandbox" again, I'm going to hold Peter Gammons hostage. The urinals are trough style in some areas, with no barriers in between. Last time I was at a game it was in April and it was like 45 degrees out and raining. Shrinkage had occurred. But the gentleman using the facilities next to me had no problem looking down at my privates, laughing and barking out "I guess you could call that a dick" at me while I was trying to finish urinating. I went back to my seat in shame and paid $9.50 for another Natural Light disguised as Bud Light. Yum.

ENEMY 6 - Activities Requiring a Steady Hand - Driving, Texting, Pouring from a Pitcher in Public Places. "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!" I always make a fool of myself in front of everyone and my only retort is "K-Rock has it worse."

ENEMY 7 - Crowded Bathrooms - I get stage fright. That's my problem. I always try to go for the stall, if it's available. I am usually safe and can get the stream going in there. However, some of my bathroom companions might get confused by a gentleman of my stature taking a standy pee in a stall. I always fear the retribution and ridicule when I step back out through the stall door. Option two is to stand at a urinal for the normal 35-50 seconds, fake like I'm peeing and then walk back to my seat at the bar, restaurant or sporting contest I am attending. I don't want to let the other gents in the bathroom know that I have this horrible, embarassing problem. Even worse, I get back to my seat and I still have to pee like the dickens. I have no idea what my problem is. I was never violated by any authority figures in my life. I don't think I have abnormal bathroom activities compared to any other 26 year old men, though I do enjoy removing all my clothes and taking nice nudy poops on occasion.

ENEMY 8 - The Sun - Damn my pale complexion. I usually get a ridiculous, epic sunburns once a year where I have to bathe in Cocoa Butter and my skin itches for three days. The only known fixes for this are: -drinking a score of Miller Chills and sleeping in an air conditioned hotel room in Virginia Beach -wrapping oneself in swaddling clothes and laying in the den to watch movies and The View at the Dump Lounge -placing a plastic lawn chair in the shallow end of my parents' swimming pool and sitting in the chlorine for an entire day. I think Schonda Schilling is going to assassinate me.

ENEMY 9 - Standard Sized Hats - "Seven and three quarters" have got to be the most depressing four words ever spoken inside of a Lids. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just ask you to check out a rash on my homeless friend's hamstrings to see if it is potentially communicable through toilet seats and bus stop benches? No. I asked you to move the ladder, climb three steps up, and tell me if the god damned Cincinatti Reds hat is available in my size or not. Frig off.

ENEMY 10 - Uncooperative Karaoke Audiences - I have not only been a victim to this personally, see Kelly Clarkson "Breakaway," but I have also seen two other occasions of horrifyingly unreceptive audiences to two great karaoke performances. RVD's sensual version of "I Need You Tonight" by INXS was met with crickets and whispers of "I wonder if he uses a noose when he pulls on it," by a Grand Buffet crowd one summer evening in Nashua. K-Rock's epic cover of "Magic Man' by Heart was met with boos and projectile vomit by the attendees of the Lea Family Graduation Extravaganza. Perhaps they didn't approve of a karaoke song that featured a seven minute guitar interlude. My major problem with uncooperative audiences is their ease of criticism. If you don't have the ballsac to get up in front of a few friends and a few dozen strangers and let your singing do your talking, then I think you should leave your critical priveleges at the front door. Besides, I'm there to entertain, and I don't take it too seriously...right. Taking it too seriously would involve driving from Exit 4 to Exit 7 in Nashua at 12:35 just because DJ Dougie Tazer might let you sing the last song to close the place down.

Other potential enemies included: President Obama's Assault on the American Dream and Taxpayer, and Predatory Annuity Sales Practices. I figured that my explanations for these would end up coming across in a sobering, conservative and serious tone and those blog entries are better left to my great friend R Von Angry.

With Liberty and Hatred for All,
The Fridge


BONUS ENEMY: Michael Bay Movies - I love to hate them. Transformers 2 was basically a flaming bag of turd. The worst part about Michael Bay movies is the fact that he finds a way to work green flares and slow sweeping low angle camera shots of the hero/heroine into every single movie. The best part about Michael Bay movies is that they usually involve an air conditioned movie theater on a hot summer day and a shitload of popcorn and explosions. And sometimes Megan Fox. I like the way she's put together.

I Traveled 3000 Miles For This?

Spring 2007

My former college roommate, Mike, was now living in Chicago and I hadn't had any debaucherous activity with him in almost 2 years. We decided that a trip to Phoenix, AZ to catch the Red Sox play the DBacks was a wise plan of attack, as we had clearly won our battles with the East Coast and Doon had staked a strong claim in the Midwest. 2 of Mike's high school buddies, Matt and Craig were up for a vacation as well. And so it was settled, Friday June 7^th we would all fly to Phoenix. Matt, Craig and I would fly from Logan Int'l in Boston and Mike would depart from Chicago. We settled all of our reservations in early April and the anticipation mounted for a few months.

June 7 2007

5:45 AM (EST): Three chubby white men boisterously make their way through the Air Tran Airways security checkpoint at Logan. We are all dressed appropriately for an early summer's morning. Jeans and hooded sweatshirts as it is before 6AM. This was to be my first flight since I was approximately 7 years old and take note that I had refused to go on several vacations in previous years because of a fear of flying after 9/11. Obviously, I ended up with the seat across the aisle from Matt and Craig. During take-off, I think I legitimately reached for Matt's hand twice across the aisle for comfort. A relatively uneventful 90 minute flight to Atlanta ensued. I think it was the free XM radio featuring an entire station of Kelly Clarkson hits that saved me from a panic attack.

9:00AM (EST): Do not ever ask for Pepsi products anywhere in Georgia. Someone pulled out an Uzi on me just for seeking out Mt. Dew. The headquarters of Coca Cola is somewhere near ATL and they are all real homers down there. We boarded a new Air Tran flight, now bound for Phoenix. By this point we (note, college educated adults in their 20s) had realized that we could make transvestite jokes out of the name of our airline. This became exponentially more amusing when something that resembled Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs boarded our flight. I would spend the next 3 hours staring out the window to avoid eye contact with the it sitting 3 rows away. (Note: If you keep in mind the fact that we were in an air conditioned airplane then airport for the entire duration after our exit from New England, the next part of this story will be funnier.)

9:00AM (PST): "Folks, we'll be touching down at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport in about ten minutes. The time is currently 9AM Pacific Standard Time, the sky is clear and it's a gorgeous summer morning. It's currently about 105 degrees and we thank you for flying Air Tran Airways." Oh no.

9:30AM (PST): Matt, Craig and I found Mike in the airport, as he had arrived a few minutes ahead of us from Chicago. We stepped outdoors, started sweating profusely, and hailed a taxi van as quickly as possible.

10:45AM (PST): After checking into our hotel in downtown Phoenix, we realized that it was actually more like 2 in the afternoon back east. We needed to feed. Being newcomers to the West Coast, we sought out the closest In 'N Out Burger. Unfortunately, it was 20 minutes away in Tempe. We took a $60 round trip cab to Tempe just to eat 3 cheeseburgers (4x4 animal style.) During our return to Phoenix, we saw billboards galore for something called "Miller Chill." It was clearly a Miller Brewing Company product, but it was being advertised with a Mexican theme. This needed to be investigated further. After arriving back at our hotel, we set out on foot (AWFUL IDEA IN 110 DEGREE HEAT) to hunt down Miller Chill. We brought beverages back to our hotel and started saucing up. To our great bewilderment and surprise, Miller Chill was the cerveza of the gods.

6:30PM (PST): We stumbled towards Bank One Ballpark. We watched the Sox smoke the DBacks. Uneventful part number 1 of trip. We sat in a luxury club suite section where Long Island Iced Tea quickly became the drink of choice.

10:30PM (PST): We found a cab after game. "Take us to the finest Gentlemen's Establishment within your city limits." Somehow, we failed to realize that Phoenix's city limits are about 2000 square miles wide. Our second expensive cab ride of the day later, we were located at Phoenix's lovely BOURBON STREET CIRCUS. Just the name of this place was awesome. As an experienced customer of gentlemen's establishments, I can easily say that this place had the cleanest and least creepy restrooms I'd ever used. It actually had those old-school saloon doors to get inside. An un-named member of our party actually did a Pac-Man Jones impersonation and made it rain onto the stage.

June 8 2007

2:00AM (PST): Sleep.

8:00AM (PST): Wake up and watch Sportscenter on loop for 2.5 hours in hotel room.

11:00AM (PST): Mike, Matt and I decide it's time to get started. We leave Craig alone in hotel room rubbing on himself. We found a lovely Mexican place called "los hermanos." Nothing like a tall, cool Budweiser at 11am to get you feeling a little sad about yourself. Matt reminded Matt and I that it was well after 12 noon where we were really from. This time zone business really fouls up your feelings of self-worth. After a few hours spent at "los hermanos" and your humble author feeling confused about not being able to find any $1 bills in his wallet, we set out back for the hotel.

2:15PM (PST): Your confused and slightly hungover/drunk author realizes his cell phone is conspicuous by its absence. Matt remembers seeing me place it down on a table during a "dance" the previous night. Luckily, I had several ATM receipts in my wallet from the Bourbon Street Circus, so it wasn't tough to find the phone number. One easy phone call later, I knew that the proprietor of the Circus was going to hold onto my phone for the afternoon if I would like to retrieve it. I took a lonely $40 cab ride outside of my comfort zone and entered a strip club by myself and while it was sunny out. Yuch. At least I had my phone back and wouldn't have to explain that one to anyone when I got home.

4:00PM (PST) The Four Horsemen decided to hit the hotel pool for a quick dip and cool off. Unfortunately, we found that every other awful Red Sox fan at our hotel had the same idea. I actually heard arguments debating whether WAAF or WBCN was a better station. We also found out that residents of Revere and Everett do not enjoy each others' company and are willing to do cannonballs into the pool to prove that they are tougher than one another. This basically looked like the parking lot at Gilette Stadium before a pre-season Patriots game where you get those weirdo fans who can't afford regular season tickets, but there was a pool in the middle. It was awful and I apologize to Hyatt Regency Hotels' staff for being a willing and active part of it.

7:00PM (PST) We again stumble into Bank One Ballpark. Spend 9 innings sitting right behind the DBacks bullpen harassing their middle relief. Uneventful part number 2 of the trip.

10:00PM (PST) Mike had done some recon on the Phoenix area before the trip and found a karaoke bar for us to visit. I brought the house down with an epic rendition of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" and such Karaoke Revue staples as "Just a Gigolo" and "Mack the Knife." You'd be surprised how much the residents of Arizona appreciate Diamond David Lee Roth as performed by el Fridgerino. Our associate Matt stepped outside to vomit into the bushes and with this we were informed by the staff that closing time was at 1:30.

June 9 2007

1:15AM (PST): Matt and I decided we needed some food. We left Mike and Craig behind at the bar with two large women in their late thirties. We walked through a drive-through of a taco place and ate our food walking back down the street towards the bar. We heard a strange noise come out of some sagebrush on the side of the road. I couldn't tell if it was a human-sized scorpion or a 60 foot long rattle snake. In a move reminiscent of Ron Von Don on the streets of Hartford…all in one motion I hailed a cab, opened the door and threw Matt into the backseat to get away from the mutated creatures that stalk white boys on the mean streets of outer Phoenix. We got back next to the bar and we informed our chauffer that we had 2 more riders. Craig happily joined us in the cab while Mike spent 10 minutes entertaining the thought of spending the night with his new ladyfriends in Mesa, AZ. (Mapquest it, he would have been 45 miles away from Phoenix, moron.) I started pleading with the driver to leave him in the parking lot, telling Craig and Matt that Mike would "pay for this decision," but those two (being more loyal friends) made sure that we didn't leave him. Even screaming "don't go home with those fat c's" out the window of the cab couldn't make his mind up. It wasn't until one of us yelled something about the ladies being part of the Arizona Cardinals offensive line that Mike was convinced to rejoin us.

2:00AM (PST): Sleep.

10:00AM (PST): I get pulled out of security line for trying to sneak a Randy Johnson bobblehead onto the plane. Apparently having a pock marked pit faced doll with you on an airplane is now a federal offense.

4:00PM (EST): We arrive in friendly Atlanta again. This time, we do not order any Pepsi products.

10:00PM (EST): I arrive home in Nashua. Sunburned, tired and still confused where all my $1 bills are.

The Revue's Hatred for K-Rock

As you may know, myself and Ron Von Don (right and left in photo above) are really the bread and butter of the Pen15 blog. My younger brother, K-Rock, on occasion has contributed. We have felt compelled to allow his writings to let our readership see a younger, less-mature point of view, and also so he won't smother me with a pillow in my sleep. RvD and I have decided today to let our true feelings towards this fat idiot fly.

We leave you for the weekend with a laundry list of reasons we dislike the aforementioned K-Rock.

1. Watches the Music Choice channel (just audio, no videos) for hours on end. Has slowly started to memorize the "fun facts" about people like T-Pain, Young Chris, Young Joc, and Young Jeezy that their own families are not aware of.
2. Cannot keep his eyes open once he passes the 20 beer threshold, but is still conscious and willing to outdrink you.
3. Hates R von D for no reason other than he is smarter and more well-refined.
4. Sits down whilst playing Guitar Hero.
5. Has a tendency for vomiting off of the back deck at our parents' house in the middle of dinner.
6. Can manage to dip while passed out.
7. Is not attracted to women.
8. Did not appreciate sexual advances from Dana Complaina (see No. 7)
9. Is a walking contradiction insofar as he will be a law enforcement agent in the next 12 months.
10. Is attracted to Scorpion Drink.
11. Thought Jar Jar Binks was a "dynamite addition" to the Star Wars franchise.
12. Voted for Ron Paul.
13. Is a Communist (see No. 12)
14. Refuses to run during softball games.
15. Does not adequately track fly balls (see No 14.)
16. Refers to Vincent Chase as "my favorite character on that show."
17. Will be armed with a government issued weapon within the next 12 months (see No. 9)
18. Uses all the hot water at our parents' house without concern for others' desire to not freeze in the shower.
19. Sucks at karaoke really really bad.
20. Once bought us Budweiser Energy drinks.

Thank you for your time,
Los Hermanos Miserables

Guidelines For Any Professional Man of Leisure

As permanent fixtures of the bar scene, we at the Pen 15 Club fancy ourselves Godfathers of all things leisurely. From our collective intellect, to our high daily caloric intake, to the amount of men's magazines read on the john, we are unmatched in nearly every arena. And so, we wish to impart upon you people a few guidelines for any man looking to become a professional man of leisure.


- If you are going to make less money than your female spouse, only these positions are acceptable: Teacher, video game tester, bartender, police officer.

- If you have a hi-definition television, you are obligated to host Sunday afternoon/evening get-togethers for sporting events.

- Disney movies, romantic comedies, and "The Notebook" are only acceptable for viewing if coitus is provided after said movie.

- It is socially acceptable to pop cedar when making out with or slow dancing with a young woman.

- Misogynistic jokes and jokes about handicapped people are always socially acceptable.

- It is a social faux pas for a group of men to get together for a soccer game.

- Whether in billiards, darts, video games, or wiffle ball; winner stays, loser pays.

- When seated at a table for dinner, it is customary to ask people to pass condiments...unless that condiment is Frank's Red Hot. In the case of Franks, one must simply grunt, reach across the table, and use half the bottle for a single chicken breast.

- When watching Caddyshack, it is polite to quote as much of the movie aloud as possible whether in mixed company or alone.

- When one gentleman buys another a 7+7, he expects one in return.

- When one gentleman buys a group of gentlemen a pitcher of Scorpion Drink, he expects some suckling assistance on the other straws.

- When one gentleman uses a public rest facility, he is expected to double flush to prevent staining of the bowl.

- You are also obligated to leave a space of one urinal between men. If there isn't a space, you use the stall, if the stall is in use, you wait.

- It is perfectly acceptable in a social setting to eat a chicken wing in a single bite.

- The video game "Guitar Hero" must be played standing up, no exceptions.

Hard Justice: Pen 15 Style

Roon Voon Doon and I have decided that the justice system in the world today has gone haywire. The punishment no longer fits the crime. Having seen on Court TV that a Saudi Arabian woman was given 200 lashes and 6 months in prison for being in the company of men in public, we decided that it's time to offer up our own system of justice. The following crimes befit the following punishments:

1. Shoplifting - 30 Minutes of Indian Sunburn on your favored arm

2. Drug Possession - A stern talking to from your grandmother

3. Public Intoxication - Must go shot for shot with K-Rock for an entire weekend at Plymouth State University

4. Beastiality - Have to watch your mother get undressed and dressed again

5. Kiddie Porn - Forced to re-enact 2 Girls, 1 Cup with Rosie O'Donnell

6. Unpaid Parking Tickets - Unexpected noogie priveleges for your entire group of friends

7. Unpaid Child Support - Must stare at naked pictures of Meryl Streep for 3 years

8. Counterfeit Money - You're only allowed to get with unhappy, controlling women the rest of your life (aka the RBoosk Law.) Also, can no longer eat at Haagen-Dazs.

9. Sex with 17 Year Old
a) Male Adult on Minor Male: Death
b) Female Adult on Minor Female: $600 Gift Certificate to Best Buy (must only be used in Videocamera section)
c) Female Adult on Minor Male: High-Five and a Lottery Ticket (must split winnings on lotto ticket with police)
d) Male Adult on Minor Female: Pizza Party

10. Retransmitting a Major League Baseball Game without the Expressed Written Consent of Major League Baseball Commissioner's Office - Code Red (see: A Few Good Men)

Thank you for your time,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos

A Comparison Between Two Fat Messes

Fridge

Vitals:

Age: 24

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 320

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:4

Favorite Food: Salmon

Favorite Drink: Canadian Hunter

Hobbies: Shredding Guitar Hero, Hanging out with Communist roomates

Job: See Milton in "Office Space"

Family: 2 Parents, 1 Handsome, Accomplished Brother

Joba Chamberlain

Vitals:

Age: 22

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 230

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:1

Favorite Food: Mosquitos

Favorite Drink: 7 & 7

Hobbies: Horseback riding, Murderball

Job: Pitcher for NY Yankees

Family: 1/2 Father

Back On My Grizzy

Coming Soon to the Pen15 Blog:
-Hambone's Review of Halo 3
-My description of why I hate everyone
-An overall review of P State after 1 month of shniz

I've been keeping busy, a lot of paper work

- K-Rock -

The Pen15 End of Summer Re-Cap

R Von D's Official Statement: "It Never Got Weird Enough For Me."

Tomorrow, I will be leaving the friendly confines of Nashua, NH and I will resume my post as Classical Languages Chair in rural Patheticut. As I have stated prior, this summer has been hedonistic voyage for me fraught with the unapologetic mockery of others devoid of any vocation. Please understand that somebody like me has to do as much living as possible throughout the summer months before the humdrum existence of being a boarding school teacher wraps its icy fingers around my livelihood, thus causing it to shrink. Looking back though, I can't help but feel that this was the best summer of my adult life, and I wish to recap the entire summer for you in superlative form with the help of my Pen15 brethren.



Fridge's Official Statement: "I've been swimming in raw sewage all summer long. I LOVE IT."




This weekend, I'll be moving out of my parents house to head to the fighting city of Waltham. This summer has been interesting for me. I didn't vomit once, which leads me to believe that I've either gotten a bigger tolerance or I didn't drink enough. I also was told on more than one occasion that I was "looking thin." I dont know if these people are telling me I used to look like Vince Wilfork or if they're just trying to be nice, but I know I had self-esteem galore this summer and that lead to a generally more enjoyable experience for the past 3 months. Enjoy the following. If there are any inside jokes you don't get, too bad. (Also, I'm sorry I didn't use words with syllables as big as Mr. Monday Night did above.)

K-Rock Official Statement: "Let's go to the bar, get some drinks, see what's goin on"

I'm heading up to school for my senior year on Sunday. My goals for the year are to pay little attention to school work, get in better shape, and win the Division III Rugby National Championship. I'm going to accomplish this by drinking a lot of gin and watching as much college football as I can. I'll try to come up with some cool shit while i'm up there. I will also work on expanding my vocabulary so I can read what R Von D wrote above.

Best Car Accident: Lance Briggs

Lance "I woulda refused a breafalyza" Briggs took out a telephone pole then ran away from his $350,000 mess. Commander Goodell has yet to deport Briggs for the above action, Lance has also bought 3 new Lance-brighinis.

Worst Car Accident: Ron Von Don vs. Unknown Woodland Creature

Ron Von takes out a small animal. Drunk K-Rock riding shotty doesn't flinch. RVD has to file insurance claim due to horiffic damage. Hilarity does not ensue.

Best Party: The Lea Brothers Graduation Party

Whiffle ball, karaoke, drunk people, and a dunk tank. If you can beat that kind of party, I'd love to see you try.

Best Karaoke Performance: "Rebel Yell" - The Revue

No contest.

Worst Karaoke Performance: "I Touch Myself"

No comment necesarry. If you were at the Buffet and as uncomfortable as Fridge was, you know why.

Best Round of Mini-Golf: The Fridge

While aided by a Norman-esque meltown on the back nine by R Von D, Fridge was lights out during one "adventure themed" golf session, scoring three hole-in-ones on the back nine alone, and thus beating all other competitors by no less than seven strokes. All of this while having the worst sunburn known to man. Seriously, his face looked like it was made entirely of testicle skin.

Best Addition to the Skoal Family: Citrus Blend

Of the gods.

Worst Dancer: The C

We all know the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is, to her surprise, dubbed a horrible dancer. Picture the "little kicks" and then add senseless jumping up and down and screaming...that's how the C dances. Awful...just awful. Every time the C dances, God creates a new infectious disease. Don't let her do it.

Best Mack-Sesh: Fridge on the pregnant chick.

Bonus points for her being completely hammered while bearing seed and not being able to afford a cell phone. Also, the only mack session in history to be successful after a full beer was dumped on one's head.

Best Summer Drink: Miller Chill

We were going to call this category "Best Beer" but as Dana Complaina pointed out to us, this wonderful Celada Style Beer is actually found in the "malt beverages" section next to Smirnoff Ice and Twisted Teas. No matter, this stuff is unreal and goes really well with Tostitos.

Most Hot Dogs Eaten In A Single Sitting: Six and a half by Big Ron - Bad Dawgs

While not a record breaking endeavor, Big Ron eating five of his own hot dogs and then eating the one hot dog Wang couldn't finish horrified not only us, but the small children sitting beside us.

Best Use of a Taser: N/A

Worst Use of a Taser: DJ Dougie

I hate you Dougie and I hope you get hit by a Mack Truck.

Best Bar: Club OG

Cocktails mixed with Monster Energy drinks, Scorpion Bowls, little pudgy men kissing R Von D and Fridge on top of the head, a cage for dancing and Barnacle Bill all set in scenic Weirs Beach, NH. If I died today of a massive coronary, I'd rather go to Oriental Gardens than Heaven...there I said it.

Best Jersey Purchased: Carl Crawford, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Good work doughboy.

Best Use of Livestock: K-Rock and the Goat

Proving it's never "too early for goats," K-Rock culminated Wilkipalooza by throwing live goats into people's tents and shutting the door while they were still sleeping. How he managed to catch a goat at 8:00 am while still drunk and on two hours sleep will forever remain a mystery to us all.

Worst Use of Livestock: Fridge and Domn8r at the Yee

The entire lack of shame and standards inherit throughout this endeavor will forever be something of legend. Gave new meaning to the term "goin' hoggin'."
Fridge's note: (I will be marketing t-shirts in the coming weeks bearing the slogan I PLAYED WINGMAN FOR DOM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS CRAPPY T-SHIRT.)

Best Drink Promotion: "Kick the Keg" at Penuche's

$1.50 drafts until the keg is gone. Honestly what better way to get people arrested on the way home.

Best Drunk Dial: Conor "the King of Manchester":

You're just going to have to trust me on this one. In a word: epic.

Worst Brokeback Experience: Fridge Lathers Ron Von Don

There is nothing cool about rubbing SPF 30 into one of your regular pal's backs.

Worst Use of Sleeves: Hefe

It's summer, it's hot, you're in a crowded bar sweating, but you feel like you need to at least wear a tshirt with sleeves on it because you're embarassed about your scrawny arms. Not Hefe. This kid would go cut-off on an arctic expedition. Our friends are hard to the core, core to the rotten, jump down turn around pick a bail of cotton.

Best Blog: Pen 15 Club

Worst Blog: Chronicles of Duke

Angriest Sober Person: K-Rock

The amount of joy we all felt when K-Rizzle finally got drunk this summer is indescribable. You could actually see the bitterness and sarcasm melt away from his face, his arms came uncrossed and he finally started to enjoy his life. Big shout out to Hambone and Wilkipalooza for helping K-Rock be himself again.

Angriest Drunk Person: Baron Von D

When I'm sober I tolerate you. When I'm drunk I loathe the very thought of you. I will add though that after a truly Bacchanalian Summer such as this one (please look that word up) I have decided to go "dry" until the night before Thanksgiving. Recently I have learned that it's not socially acceptable to bite aluminum cans in half. For one, it makes me look like a complete psycho. Also, it provokes other people, fat annoying dipshit people, to attempt this and cut their mouths open. You're not as cool as me.

Best Web Gem: Hambone's Faceplant

Hambone impaled himself into the ground at Amherst Middle School laying out for a fly ball to right field. It was hilarious. I mean half the people there wet themselves hilarious.

Best Stomach Evacuation of the Summer: K-Rock vs. the Scorpion Pitcher

One time K-Rock had too many scorpion bowls and vomited everywhere. He didn't clean it up or flush the toilet. He acted real surprised when Mrs. K-Rock informed him of his actions the next day. K-Rock had another internal debate regarding the merits of a Month of Detox. Detox lost.

Best Insult: "You Fat Mess"

Used liberally throughout the summer to anyone and everyone. Nobody was safe from the Pen15 Club's signature insult. Male, female, doesn't matter. You knew that at some point you had this phrase coming your way. If you never heard us say this to you directly, it is more than likely how we referred to you when you weren't around or just simply out of earshot.


While we at the club will continue to post over the course of the year, we are sad to see our first summer as a team go. Yet, we look forward to more posts, more writers to come (including Hambone) and new shit to be angry about. Thanks to all of you for your continued support. Now get back to work, you fat mess.

See you in hell,
The Pen15 Club

Cities That Would Be Awesome To Call Home

I live in Nashua, NH. Not that tough, hard, rich, poor, or anything outstanding. I think we are the best place two live two times running, but that is mostly voted on by jerks and lesbians so no big deal. One time I lived in Wallingford, CT. Don't worry about it. I was born in North Providence, RI. When I tell people that, I don't pronounce the "r" in North in order to make myself feel hard. People look at me strangely. None of the three are overly cool. Nashua has a strong Puerto Rican population. North Providence has moved from Italians to darks. I need some Goddamn street cred. Top 5 places that would make me harder if I was born there.

1. Staten Island, NY.

Known to many as "Shaolin." Home to the Wu-Tang Clan. Not home to pussies.

2. Compton, LA, CA.

I would generally keep a blue flag hangin' out the back side, but only on the left side. Ya, that's the Crip side. I can see it now, The Game and I would have grown up on the same block, sippin' Olde English together, smokin' L's, overall livin' it up. Instead I go to a college with a 26:1 Guy to straight chick ratio. Also extremely close to USC.

3. Illadelph, PA

215. The area code that is frequently rapped about by The Roots and even once by Ludacris. The end of my AIM screename. The weight class I wrestled in high school. A generally cool number. Home to many awesome athletes including Charles Barkley and Skoal Hamels.

4. Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, NY

Bedford-Stuyvesant Heights. This is the home to a ton of cool hip-hop artists and I feel my rap career would be on a better track at this point in my life had I been born here. Jay-Z. Talib Kweli. Mos Def. Notorious B.I.G. Busta Rhymes. Come on, this place is awesome. "I got an obscure reference, Dave Chappelle's Block Party."

5. Surry County, VA.

Granted I may have just accepted a plea bargain, I would be WAY cooler if I was from here. 1915 Moonlight Road is the home to some of the best underground dog fights around the United States. That place is fuckin Bad Newz.

Still not cool or tough. Oh well. I guess i'll just end up eating a lot of spicy food, humming black people music into my 30's, well into my 30's.

Shaolin's Finest,

- K-Rock -

Random Thoughts by K-Rock

Seeing as the two elder statesmen of the Pen15 Club are gone for the remainder of the week and into the weekend, i'm going to be holding this down for a while. Today marks the end of my month of detox. I did OK. From July 8th until August 7th, I had a grand total of 6 beers and they were all for good occasions (Golf, Friend returning from basic training, Beastie Boys concert). I learned that not drinking is for jerks and lesbians and I plan on never doing it again. I did have a thought when I woke up yesterday morning to find out that Barry Bonds hit #756. Maybe I need a month away from sports. Anyone who knows me realizes that basically what I do on a nightly basis revolves around sports, whether it be playing or watching them. Should I go to a bar? Only if they have a TV and i'll be able to watch the Sox game. Of course there is no way I could stop watching sports, but I feel like if there is any time to do it, its now.


I have been watching sports for as long as I can remember and one thing I pride myself on is not being a "homer." At the age of 7, I was about as big a San Antonio Spurs fan you could find outside of those who live in Texas. I liked this team for one reason only, David Robinson. Robinson is as classy (a word which is through around very liberaly today) of a player as you can find throughout the history of the NBA, and all of professional sports for that matter. The 7 footer won championships, MVP's, went to All-Star games, and was generally a fantastic all-around, team player. Given his credentials, I would kill to sit down with him for five minutes and discuss his opinions on "makin it rain", dog fighting, gambling on basketball, and automatic weapons. I'm not going to sit here and say I have modeled my life after his, but I certainly have never put a pit bull on a rape stand.

KARAOKE. Despite a distinct lack of Fridge and R Von D this upcoming weekend, a karaoke blow out at the buffet is in the works. I'm not completely versed in the art of karaoke yet, but I am working my way there. This weekend should be a good chance to strut my stuff. What I'm really trying to say is, show up at Grand Buffet this Friday night if you wanna see a show.

CALM DOWN. Those are my words to Boston Red Sox fans. Only in this city would people be shitting themselves about a 6 game lead in the division in August. I understand where people are coming from that they were up double digits for a while and this is the smallest the lead has been since early May, but you have to look at the facts. The Red Sox have a substantial number of games left against the D-Rays and a plethora of other shit teams, while the next month for the Yankees is the most difficult part of their schedule. Granted, they have been very hot, but they have been beating up on teams with Gil Meche as their number one starter. I never guarantee anything, but just calm the fuck down.

CHAMPIONS. In conclusion, I would like to inform the Revue that despite their many second place finishes, the Canadian Hunters were able to take the trivia crown last night at Peddlar's. It took a lot of training and hard work, but some day you guys will be able to touch us.

VICTORY!!!
- K-Rock -

Shark Attack??? No such thing

Being a "newby" to the whole blog-writing shniz, I find myself reading many other blogs in order to better myself and try to strengthen my blog-writing skills. I basically only read sports-related blogs, whether they be by experts, fans, or the athletes themselves. One blog I came by yesterday was from NBA.COM and is written by Gilbert Arenas aka Agent Zero. While he is a fantastic basketball player, he may not be the most intelligent guy around. Agent Zero has some very interesting opinions on the previous topic written by R Von D, shark attacks.



"There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack. I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as. We’re humans. We live on land. Sharks live in water. So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack. When I see on the news where it’s like, 'There have been 10 shark attacks,' I’m like, 'Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.' "



If we are going by Arenas' rules, most of us commit many misdemeanors each summer when we travel to the tattoo infested land known as Hampton Beach. I think that yesterday when I came across this, it was easily the hardest I have laughed since someone tried to describe R Von D as being "youthful" and "with the times." Agent Zero, stick to writing about charity events you are being forced to attend and how you plan on scoring 150 points in one game next season, you're very rude.



- K-Rock -

K-Rock's Thoughts on Sobriety

For the 2+ weeks, I have been working on a month of detox. I got this idea from my brother when he did one back in January after a very solid binge. The first half of the summer (pre-all star break), I was dropping dollars upon dollars every Thursday night at Martha's and then driving half in the bag to work every Friday morning. Friday and Saturday nights I would either be at a bar somewhere in the Southern NH region or off somewhere drinking myself into stupidity. I decided about mid-way through June that in the near future I needed a break from this. The only issue was that I looked at my calendar and I had weekend trips planned for a couple weeks that I certainly was not going to drive to in order to remain sober. One weekend in late June involved a Friday in Rhode Island, followed by a Saturday in Connecticut that mandated me drinking excessively. The following weekend was back down to CT for another day of all day drinking. So i set the start date for the Sunday after that, July 8th.

The 8th was also pretty convenient because I did not have any facebook events to attend, which means my schedule was clear. I have plans to head up to the NH Lakes region sometime around August 8th, which means I had this one month to prove to myself and my family that I wasn't a complete drunk. I also figured it would be a good way to save some money and shed a few pounds. Most people I talked to about this did not think there was any way that I would go a month without drinking, so that was also some pretty decent motivation.

It hasn't been too bad over the past couple weeks, but this weekend was definately the most difficult so far. How, being 21 now, was I going to stay sober during my brother's birthday weekend? Friday night I lucked out because he decided to stay in Boston and wreak havoc there. From the sound of things, they had a good time, but I didn't miss out on too much. Saturday was where the difficulty began. We sat around all day outside because it was nice out. An occasion like this would usually mandate me laying by the pool drinking Bud diesels all afternoon. Then the real problem arose, going to the Grand Buffet. How the fuck am I going to sit at a smokey karaoke bar surrounded by drunk NASCAR fans and not have anything to drink? Luckily, the entertainment of my brother and company rockin' the mic to such tunes as "Just a Gigolo" "Mack El Knife" and (a very sensual version of) "Need You Tonight" was good enough for me. Sparks flew and a couple chokeholds were applied during a performance of "Don't Stop Believin'" and it was a solid evening.

The following day involved a trip to Fenway Park to watch a Red Sox-White Sox game. I will quickly summarize the afternoon by saying the Red Sox won, I stood on Yawkey Way for over an hour and watched people drink beer, I walked by Dan "Shank" Shaughnessy, and had an up close view of Jerry Remy where I was able to watch him sit in the announcing booth and smoke a cigarette during the game (no joke). Another fun day that involved me consuming no alcohol whatsoever.

So here I am today, 15 days through my month of detox. A few of my friends have made comments throughout the past couple weeks that they wish I wasn't doing this because i'm not as moody when I'm drinking. They can go fuck themselves. I have saved some money and shed a few pounds so far. I have not been able to use the "too hungover" excuse for anything, which I usually rely on a couple times a week. I guess once this month is over, I will come out of it having learned a few things. The first is that I am able to resist the urge to drink, but the second is that drinking is more fun than being sober, so I should probably learn to drink in moderation. I have about two weeks left and I can't wait until August 8th comes. I hope that I do not have a poor "getting back on the wagon" experience (like Hambone and Papa Livsey), but that is yet to be seen. Either way, let me give one piece of advice. Don't do a month of detox, very overrated.

- K-Rock -

K-Rock's Premier -- Top 10 Jerseys

If I were a millionaire and didn't have shit to do with my life, I feel I would live the most simple life imaginable. First, I would live in a warm climate and sit next to a pool all day. Second, I would have a Tom Collins in my hand at ALL times. But third, I would have the most extensive collection of sports jerseys imaginable. Currently, I don't have the deepest bank account, so my jersey collection is somewhat limited, but let me tell you, the possibilities are endless. I currently spend much of my day on eBay and other websites dreaming of these fine collaborations of mesh and polyester. So, with my world premier, I'm going to make a Top 10 list of jerseys that I need to own. It is not going to be an exact top 10 though. I'm going to have the first five be jerseys that involve criminal activity/sports-related humor that myself, and a select number of people, find hilarious. The next five jerseys on the list are 5 jerseys that I would step over my own Mother in order to possess. If you don't think that these jerseys are the absolute tits, then eat a dick. Enjoy

Note: All of these jerseys will be Authentic, with letters and numbers sewn on, and not shipped in from Thailand from some shitty ebay store that would give you a number 32 Michael Jordan jersey or something like that, because fuck it, I'm rich and can afford it.

10. Carlton Dotson - Baylor University Basketball

Dotson is a man of many values. He loves his teammates, basketball, and the 2nd Amendment. I feel that this jersey would show how I feel about college athletes gunning down their teammates/good friends.

9. Pacman Jones - Tennessee Titans

This jersey, I believe, would be quite the steal. The Titans online store has stopped producing Pacman jerseys and I can not find one on a single online store (i.e. Eastbay, Dick's Sporting Goods, etc.). I have also heard rumors that if I were to place an order for a customized Titans jersey with "Jones 32" on the back, they would deny the request. If I tried to order one with "Make It Rain 32" they would start a Fire Sale on the United States similar to that seen in "Live Free or Die Hard." Basically, the Titans are trying to deny people such as myself the fun of having this jersey, so I feel it would be quite the acquisition.

8. Michael Vick/Ron Mexico - Atlanta Falcons

Once again, a jersey that the Falcons online store will not make for you if you request it. I have seen pictures of a few that must have been made quickly before the Falcons recieved word of the herpes. Although Mexico was acquitted in court, I would still love this jersey in order to pay tribute to the dog-fighting king of the east coast.

7. Rod Tidwell - Arizona Cardinals

Seeing as "Jerry Maguire" is in my Top 10 movies list(and I already own a Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn Cleveland Indians t-shirt), I thought this would be a good addition to the list. Tidwell was a solid possession reciever who was not afraid to go across the middle once Maguire called him a pussy. Also, I am a fan of the Arizona Cardinals present-day recieving corps, and despite how much I like him, I don't see Anquan Boldin making my top 5 must-haves.

6. Laurence "Koolaid" Maroney - New England Patriots

The self proclaimed "Koolaid" had a pretty interesting facebook account, which contained pictures of him with his Koolaid pendant on his necklace and his car with an image of the Koolaid man on the driver's side door. The profile also contained his favorite quotes, including "'bout time we got some construda in dis mothafucka" and the classic "ur begul shitting." WOW. Either way, I would dig up Mother Theresa and slap her in her cold, dead face in order to get a Patriots jersey (preferable the silver ones which were awesome) with "Koolaid 39" on the back.

This concludes the section on goofy ass jerseys that myself and about 15 other people in the United States would proudly wear.

My real top 5 are absolutely bad-ass jerseys that I feel most sports fans (I'll try to avoid too much of a New Englad bias) would kill for.

5. Michael Jordan - Chicago Bulls

This is a pretty basic jersey, but i'm looking for the red Bulls jersey from the mid-80's that said Chicago in cursive lettering. He wore this during some pretty classic dunk contests and this just isn't something that you see every day.

4. Wayne Gretzky - Edmonton Oilers

This is one of the greatest teams of the past few decades. Although I list Gretzky, I would easily replace him with Kurri, Fuhr, Coffey, or Messier. One of the sharpest looking jerseys is fitting for one of the greatest collections of players in recent history.

3. Joe Namath - New York Jets

This one is a two-parter. First, Joe Namath, in his day, was known for both his fantastic skills at quarterback and also his showmanship (Namath guaranteed a Super Bowl win, and not only won the game, but also the Super Bowl MVP). Second, "I wanna kiss you." This jersey can get you respect from some and will get a laugh out of many.

2. Roger Clemens - Boston Red Sox

Love him, hate him, I really don't care how you feel about him. He made his name as a member of the Red Sox. He was skinnier and less greedy in those days. He played through a changeover in jerseys, but I am going to go with the white with red lettering button-down jersey. This is the jersey Clemens wore during his first 20 K performance.

1. Vernon Davis - San Francisco 49ers

This is my list, not yours and that's why. The Big Vern red throwback from the Montana/Rice era. One of the best looking jerseys for one of the scariest players. Shown, stiff-arming AJ Hawk's face off.

Soberly Yours,

K-Rock