Statement Regarding Michael Vick

Seeing as the Michael Vick dogfighting case is an important issue and the Pen15 Club has a high ranking status, we found it necessary to give our official statement regarding this case. I do not want to have the views of Ronny VD and Fridge confused with mine though, so i'm going to write my own.

First off, we want to let it be known that we find Vick and all of his friends who plead guilty along with him to be scumbags. The level of cruelty that these men reached is something that you don't believe exists. Apparently they had nothing else good going on in their lives that they had to torture innocent animals who probably did not compete to their expectations. Clearly Vick is the most despicable of the whole crew though. Think about it, his buddies are living off his huge contract and multiple endorsements. Vick has a few houses and he just lets these guys stay in the one at 1915 Moonlight Road in Surry County, Virginia. Vick has so much else going for him, yet he decided to spend his time and money funding and participating in this dogfighting venture.

I will be very honest, a couple members of the Pen15 Club are not what some would consider to be "Dog enthusiasts" or even anything close to that. Myself and the fridge spent a lifetime walking to bus stops and local pools and had to walk by large dogs who would bark at us every time. This gave me a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories. Anyway, I have said that I would actually be interested to see one of these dog fights some time. I do not like dogs and seeing them take out their anger on each other rather than me would be somewhat sweet. That is as far is I take it though. I do not think these dogs should be put on rape stands, electrocuted, drowned, and whatever else these sick fucks did to the dogs. I don't see how these guys are able to justify in their heads killing a dog because it is "Underperforming." If it is that bad and unaggressive, don't throw down thousands of dollars on it.

I hope this judge throws the book at Vick. Bad Newz Kennels has to be one of the most horrific operations I have ever heard of. I'm sure he is going to get financially screwed by the Falcons wanting money back and possibly the IRS because of all the illegal gambling, but I hope he actually gets screwed, by some big dude named Bubba who should be playing outside linebacker for the Carolina Panthers along with Dan "Pineapple Library Chocolate Shoe" Morgan, but he is doing 25 to life. Good luck Mike, hope that 4.3 40 pays off in prison.

Hugs and Hand Pounds,
- K-Rock -

Shark Attack??? No such thing

Being a "newby" to the whole blog-writing shniz, I find myself reading many other blogs in order to better myself and try to strengthen my blog-writing skills. I basically only read sports-related blogs, whether they be by experts, fans, or the athletes themselves. One blog I came by yesterday was from NBA.COM and is written by Gilbert Arenas aka Agent Zero. While he is a fantastic basketball player, he may not be the most intelligent guy around. Agent Zero has some very interesting opinions on the previous topic written by R Von D, shark attacks.



"There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack. I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as. We’re humans. We live on land. Sharks live in water. So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack. When I see on the news where it’s like, 'There have been 10 shark attacks,' I’m like, 'Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.' "



If we are going by Arenas' rules, most of us commit many misdemeanors each summer when we travel to the tattoo infested land known as Hampton Beach. I think that yesterday when I came across this, it was easily the hardest I have laughed since someone tried to describe R Von D as being "youthful" and "with the times." Agent Zero, stick to writing about charity events you are being forced to attend and how you plan on scoring 150 points in one game next season, you're very rude.



- K-Rock -

I Could Totally Take A Kangaroo

Chick Gets Punched By Kangaroo - Watch more free videos

I was sitting with my friends Jason and Sarah the other night. We were watching a program about shark attacks on the Discovery Channel as part of their “Shark Week” thing they have running this week. We were sitting, having a few cocktails and few laughs and not really paying attention to what was on the screen. Then however, a shark expert started speaking about how to react when a shark bites you. In my head, I kept running the scenario over and over in my head, and naturally my conclusion was that my plan of attack would depend on what part of me the shark was biting. If the shark got my arm, I’d probably kick the shit out of it. If it got my leg, I’d sink one of my hands into its gill and just yank on it until it let me go. I like to think that I would be completely aware of what my actions were in a moment of panic like that. I like to think I have ice-water in my veins, but in reality I was to sleep in the dark until I was twelve. Still, I believe that in a moment of panic, I’d be collected enough to go for a swift kick or a gill-yank. The guy on TV then said that the best way to stop a shark attack is to punch it in the eye. Punch it in the eye? I couldn’t even stop my brother, Peeje the Steeje, with a punch in the eye, how the hell would it stop a goddamn great white shark? How is nature’s most perfect predator susceptible to noting but an eye-poke? Is Moe from the Three Stooges the greatest shark hunter in the world by default then? As I sat there in disbelief, I began thinking about what other “great predators” are just a bunch of pussies. This got me thinking… I turned to Jason and Sarah and asked probably the greatest debate-starting question ever asked to a room full of teachers: “What is the biggest animal you could legitimately kick the shit out of?”

Both Sarah and Jason eat organic food, drink wine, and are generally peaceful people, so the mere mention of beating up animals seemed ridiculously absurd to them, but I could see the gears grinding. Sarah immediately said that she could MAYBE work a house cat if pressed, but nothing bigger because her weight class tops out at a medium-sized dog. Jason admitted the he could take a dog if he needed to, but was reluctant to go any farther than that. I sat up out of my slouched position on the couch, and said with the utmost certainty that the biggest animal I could take would be a kangaroo. I believe IN MY HEART that I could put the screws to a kangaroo if push came to shove. I went so far as to tell them that I could FUCK UP a kangaroo, a claim which I later redacted.

If you really think about it, beating the bag out of a kangaroo is broken down into two factors; preparation and probability. For the first point, I broke it down like this. I have three years of Gracie Jiu Jitsu, two years of Muy Thai, and a recreational knack for the Brazilian art of Capoeira (I played a lot of Tekken in high school. Eddy Gordo was my favorite) under my belt. That alone puts me at a slight advantage to everybody who “steps to this.” Furthermore, I’m a human being with superior intellect and a temper shorter than Gary Coleman. Let’s be real here, this kangaroo isn’t going to out-think me. What’s better is he would sense automatically that I had his number and, if he were smart, he’d piss himself and roll over.

Secondly probability is on my side. Let me break it down like this: You and I are playing rock, paper, scissors. You know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will throw “rock” first in a best-of-three match every single time. How good of a chance do you think you have at winning the rest of the match? You only have to win one more, and I have to win two in a row. Your chances of winning are exponentially better than mine. By this simple logic, I can defeat a kangaroo in a fist fight. How? Simple. I know that the kangaroo’s first move is to kick me, so if I know this kick is coming, bypassing it and going in for a submission shouldn’t be a problem. Simple, end of kangaroo, end of story.

So with that being the case, I open this up for debate. What is the biggest animal you can take? And be honest. Also, feel free to say my reasoning is bullshit. I know if a kangaroo kicks me it’s going to hurt. I know that I’m not going to walk away from that animal unscathed. I’m going to take my share of shots, but I know in my heart that I’m the one who walks out of Thunder Dome at the end of that fight. So leave your comments and let everybody know where you stand on this topic. Kangaroos ain’t shit.

With Dukes Up,

R Von D