I Traveled 3000 Miles For This?

Spring 2007

My former college roommate, Mike, was now living in Chicago and I hadn't had any debaucherous activity with him in almost 2 years. We decided that a trip to Phoenix, AZ to catch the Red Sox play the DBacks was a wise plan of attack, as we had clearly won our battles with the East Coast and Doon had staked a strong claim in the Midwest. 2 of Mike's high school buddies, Matt and Craig were up for a vacation as well. And so it was settled, Friday June 7^th we would all fly to Phoenix. Matt, Craig and I would fly from Logan Int'l in Boston and Mike would depart from Chicago. We settled all of our reservations in early April and the anticipation mounted for a few months.

June 7 2007

5:45 AM (EST): Three chubby white men boisterously make their way through the Air Tran Airways security checkpoint at Logan. We are all dressed appropriately for an early summer's morning. Jeans and hooded sweatshirts as it is before 6AM. This was to be my first flight since I was approximately 7 years old and take note that I had refused to go on several vacations in previous years because of a fear of flying after 9/11. Obviously, I ended up with the seat across the aisle from Matt and Craig. During take-off, I think I legitimately reached for Matt's hand twice across the aisle for comfort. A relatively uneventful 90 minute flight to Atlanta ensued. I think it was the free XM radio featuring an entire station of Kelly Clarkson hits that saved me from a panic attack.

9:00AM (EST): Do not ever ask for Pepsi products anywhere in Georgia. Someone pulled out an Uzi on me just for seeking out Mt. Dew. The headquarters of Coca Cola is somewhere near ATL and they are all real homers down there. We boarded a new Air Tran flight, now bound for Phoenix. By this point we (note, college educated adults in their 20s) had realized that we could make transvestite jokes out of the name of our airline. This became exponentially more amusing when something that resembled Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs boarded our flight. I would spend the next 3 hours staring out the window to avoid eye contact with the it sitting 3 rows away. (Note: If you keep in mind the fact that we were in an air conditioned airplane then airport for the entire duration after our exit from New England, the next part of this story will be funnier.)

9:00AM (PST): "Folks, we'll be touching down at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport in about ten minutes. The time is currently 9AM Pacific Standard Time, the sky is clear and it's a gorgeous summer morning. It's currently about 105 degrees and we thank you for flying Air Tran Airways." Oh no.

9:30AM (PST): Matt, Craig and I found Mike in the airport, as he had arrived a few minutes ahead of us from Chicago. We stepped outdoors, started sweating profusely, and hailed a taxi van as quickly as possible.

10:45AM (PST): After checking into our hotel in downtown Phoenix, we realized that it was actually more like 2 in the afternoon back east. We needed to feed. Being newcomers to the West Coast, we sought out the closest In 'N Out Burger. Unfortunately, it was 20 minutes away in Tempe. We took a $60 round trip cab to Tempe just to eat 3 cheeseburgers (4x4 animal style.) During our return to Phoenix, we saw billboards galore for something called "Miller Chill." It was clearly a Miller Brewing Company product, but it was being advertised with a Mexican theme. This needed to be investigated further. After arriving back at our hotel, we set out on foot (AWFUL IDEA IN 110 DEGREE HEAT) to hunt down Miller Chill. We brought beverages back to our hotel and started saucing up. To our great bewilderment and surprise, Miller Chill was the cerveza of the gods.

6:30PM (PST): We stumbled towards Bank One Ballpark. We watched the Sox smoke the DBacks. Uneventful part number 1 of trip. We sat in a luxury club suite section where Long Island Iced Tea quickly became the drink of choice.

10:30PM (PST): We found a cab after game. "Take us to the finest Gentlemen's Establishment within your city limits." Somehow, we failed to realize that Phoenix's city limits are about 2000 square miles wide. Our second expensive cab ride of the day later, we were located at Phoenix's lovely BOURBON STREET CIRCUS. Just the name of this place was awesome. As an experienced customer of gentlemen's establishments, I can easily say that this place had the cleanest and least creepy restrooms I'd ever used. It actually had those old-school saloon doors to get inside. An un-named member of our party actually did a Pac-Man Jones impersonation and made it rain onto the stage.

June 8 2007

2:00AM (PST): Sleep.

8:00AM (PST): Wake up and watch Sportscenter on loop for 2.5 hours in hotel room.

11:00AM (PST): Mike, Matt and I decide it's time to get started. We leave Craig alone in hotel room rubbing on himself. We found a lovely Mexican place called "los hermanos." Nothing like a tall, cool Budweiser at 11am to get you feeling a little sad about yourself. Matt reminded Matt and I that it was well after 12 noon where we were really from. This time zone business really fouls up your feelings of self-worth. After a few hours spent at "los hermanos" and your humble author feeling confused about not being able to find any $1 bills in his wallet, we set out back for the hotel.

2:15PM (PST): Your confused and slightly hungover/drunk author realizes his cell phone is conspicuous by its absence. Matt remembers seeing me place it down on a table during a "dance" the previous night. Luckily, I had several ATM receipts in my wallet from the Bourbon Street Circus, so it wasn't tough to find the phone number. One easy phone call later, I knew that the proprietor of the Circus was going to hold onto my phone for the afternoon if I would like to retrieve it. I took a lonely $40 cab ride outside of my comfort zone and entered a strip club by myself and while it was sunny out. Yuch. At least I had my phone back and wouldn't have to explain that one to anyone when I got home.

4:00PM (PST) The Four Horsemen decided to hit the hotel pool for a quick dip and cool off. Unfortunately, we found that every other awful Red Sox fan at our hotel had the same idea. I actually heard arguments debating whether WAAF or WBCN was a better station. We also found out that residents of Revere and Everett do not enjoy each others' company and are willing to do cannonballs into the pool to prove that they are tougher than one another. This basically looked like the parking lot at Gilette Stadium before a pre-season Patriots game where you get those weirdo fans who can't afford regular season tickets, but there was a pool in the middle. It was awful and I apologize to Hyatt Regency Hotels' staff for being a willing and active part of it.

7:00PM (PST) We again stumble into Bank One Ballpark. Spend 9 innings sitting right behind the DBacks bullpen harassing their middle relief. Uneventful part number 2 of the trip.

10:00PM (PST) Mike had done some recon on the Phoenix area before the trip and found a karaoke bar for us to visit. I brought the house down with an epic rendition of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" and such Karaoke Revue staples as "Just a Gigolo" and "Mack the Knife." You'd be surprised how much the residents of Arizona appreciate Diamond David Lee Roth as performed by el Fridgerino. Our associate Matt stepped outside to vomit into the bushes and with this we were informed by the staff that closing time was at 1:30.

June 9 2007

1:15AM (PST): Matt and I decided we needed some food. We left Mike and Craig behind at the bar with two large women in their late thirties. We walked through a drive-through of a taco place and ate our food walking back down the street towards the bar. We heard a strange noise come out of some sagebrush on the side of the road. I couldn't tell if it was a human-sized scorpion or a 60 foot long rattle snake. In a move reminiscent of Ron Von Don on the streets of Hartford…all in one motion I hailed a cab, opened the door and threw Matt into the backseat to get away from the mutated creatures that stalk white boys on the mean streets of outer Phoenix. We got back next to the bar and we informed our chauffer that we had 2 more riders. Craig happily joined us in the cab while Mike spent 10 minutes entertaining the thought of spending the night with his new ladyfriends in Mesa, AZ. (Mapquest it, he would have been 45 miles away from Phoenix, moron.) I started pleading with the driver to leave him in the parking lot, telling Craig and Matt that Mike would "pay for this decision," but those two (being more loyal friends) made sure that we didn't leave him. Even screaming "don't go home with those fat c's" out the window of the cab couldn't make his mind up. It wasn't until one of us yelled something about the ladies being part of the Arizona Cardinals offensive line that Mike was convinced to rejoin us.

2:00AM (PST): Sleep.

10:00AM (PST): I get pulled out of security line for trying to sneak a Randy Johnson bobblehead onto the plane. Apparently having a pock marked pit faced doll with you on an airplane is now a federal offense.

4:00PM (EST): We arrive in friendly Atlanta again. This time, we do not order any Pepsi products.

10:00PM (EST): I arrive home in Nashua. Sunburned, tired and still confused where all my $1 bills are.