An Actual Email I Received Today

This is awesome. I can't even begin to explain it:

Andrew Munaweera
to me

show details 4:50 PM (4 hours ago)

Sorry us if you not R Von D,


YOUR FRIEND HAS INFORMED US THAT YOU LOVE A NUDISM, THEREFORE WE INVITE TO VISIT OUR SITE.

Check your account please:
http://bofa76.org.uk/video

Seriously, how awesome is that?

Somebody Needs to Die For This:

I fucking hate everybody...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=138481452060

This Is Why Our Society Sucks: Video Evidence

I'll admit, I gave this a chance. There were some good meedlies to kick this one off, but the emo haircuts, v-cut tshirts, skinny jeans, pussy lyrics, and at the 2:45 mark...the real kicker proved to be too much. Watch or skip ahead to find out.



And yes, these idiots are dead serious...
RVonD

I Seriously Can't Stop Watching This...

I've seen a lot of internets, but I swear I absolutely love this for so many reasons and had to share it with you all. Watch it once to see, watch it again for good measure, then try not to laugh your ass off the third time:

An Incomplete List of Shitty Music That Stupid People Like

Throughout my history as an adult human being, I have been labeled a number of things: Dick, asshole, Know-it-all Asshole, Movie Buff, and most notably Music Snob. In my life, I had the honor of being the son of a mid-to-late 70's Disc Jockey, and had a musical upbringing that should be envied by all of you. While you were listening to Raffy, Peter Paul and Mary, and other bullshit I was listening to Chicago, Supertramp, The Allman Brothers, The Police, The Beatles, and Stevie Wonder. So, to say I have a keener ear for good music than most is a phenomenal understatement. Still, on a daily basis I run into retards who think they know what good music should sound like. Here is a list of bands that you should stay away from if you ever want me to take you seriously.


1. RASCAL FLATS / KENNY CHESNEY
Now, if you know anything about me, you'll know that I'm VERY down on most country music. There is some good stuff out there, I'll be the first to admit that, but you will never hear these two "artists" in that category. As for Rascal Flats, I see them as the country equivalent to the Backstreet Boys and the front runners of the "cuntry" craze in this country. Last I checked, real cowboys don't frost their tips and wear affliction shirts OR make millions of dollars singing somebody else's songs. In the same vein, real cowboys don't sing about Pina Coladas, the beach, or flip flops. What happened to just singing about whiskey, guns, punching women in the mouth, and everything else that makes America awesome.

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Lucero, Shooter Jennings

2. BLINK 182
How are you going to go ga-ga over a band that the MEMBERS don't really want to be in? Travis Barker is pretty awesome and kicks the shit out of any drum set he touches. Tom DeLonge did some good solo work with Angels and Airwaves. And Mark Hoppus is just a silly goose. Seperate they are good, together it's just pop-punk garbage. You know why they sing songs about parents getting divorced and farts? Because that's what you buy, you dolt. Probably the worst reunion tour on the road right now. And for the record, any "punk" music that girls like is total fucking garbage. That's just industry standard. Just look at Green Day. That song "Know Your Enemy" might be the worst song I've ever heard.

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Turbonegro, Arctic Monkeys

3. JIMMY BUFFETT
Admittedly, I grew up listening to this and mildly enjoyed it. My father sings and plays guitar in bars and is always inundated with requests to play this stuff. Basically anything Kenny Chesney and Toby Keith do is a cheap imitation of Jimmy Buffett, except he was kind of the first one to do it. Also, it isn't really the music that gets me with Ol' Jim, it's the fans. I've never seen a bigger douchefest in my life than one of these shows. It seems to me that these concerts are just about showing up in beach gear and getting hammered. Which wouldn't be so bad, but why not just go to the beach and get hammered? Why does baby-boomer-folk-rock have to be involved? Couldn't you just put the two hundred bucks you spent on a concert ticket towards a cooler, some Miller Lites, and maybe an ounce of weed? For the record, this group is the same people who tell me with a straight face that Bob Dylan "puts on an AWESOME show, dude."

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Donavon Frankenreiter

4. U2
This is probably going to ruffle some feathers, and I made mention of this on my facebook page today, but you really need to wake up. U2's "Joshua Tree" was one of the best albums ever. Probably goes in my Top 10, but after the song "Mysterious Ways" off "Achtung Baby" they really haven't done anything. The issue I have with that is they've actually gotten worse as a band...SIGNIFICANTLY worse and so has their listeners. In that song "Vertigo" Bono actually counts in Spanish "1-2-3-14" and nobody said boo about it. You might say that it really doesn't matter, but I say it's an indication as you as a listener. It's one thing to suck in one language, but two? The world already has Ricky Martin, we don't need U2 doing shit like that. The point is though, that the worse U2 got, the more popular they've become. Now you can't get a ticket to this show, and I will bet dollars to donuts they don't play "Bullet The Blue Sky."

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Muse, Kings of Leon, The Kooks

So take it from your favorite music snob. There is always better music to be listening to, and you should seek it out with reckless abandon. It's the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. Try it out, go on iTunes, spend about an hour and a half and check out the "Listeners Also Bought:" feature. About three clicks in and I bet you hear some awesome band you've never heard before and can probably see in a small club for ten dollars. Bottom line, smarten up, retard.

Squeedlie-deedlies and meedlie-meedlies,

RVonD

PS - if you don't have at least one entire "concept album" in your library, you're doing yourself a horrible disservice. So if you've never heard a Rush, Coheed and Cambria, or the first Mars Volta album "De-loused in the Comatorium", remedy this as soon as possible, you idiot.

"JESUS, NO!!": A Retrospective

For those of you not in the know, the Fridge sustained a horrifying ankle injury while playing slow-pitch softball the other day. On his way down to the ground after stepping on an irrigation hatch, the Large One exclaimed "Jesus, No!" Little did the Fridge know, but well before his arrival on this planet, this fateful phrase was used, throughout the annals of time, whenever the shit hit the proverbial fan. Some examples:

ENEMIES OF THE FRIDGE

There are a lot of people, places, and things out in this cruel world that I define as my enemies. I am a simple creature, and I rarely feel neutral about issues. I enjoy this because there is no “grey-area” for confusion in my life. The following is a list of just a select few of the things in the world that are out there to inhibit my progress toward that lofty, yet simple goal of happiness. Early returns of my 25 full years on earth indicate that eventually reaching this goal is doubtful.

ENEMY 1 - Humidity - I fucking hate it. I can stand heat. I really can. I hate that stupid phrase "it's not the heat, it's the humidity," because it's so stupid but true. I went to Phoenix in June two years ago and I (extremely) legitimately thought about never coming home. It was gorgeous and comfortable, yet my fears of flying, change and commitment probably will lead to me not leaving the Metro West suburbs of Boston until I'm deceased. I hate the way that my testicles spread out like bat wings and stick to the insides of my thighs on humid days. I hate the way I cannot stop sweating. I hate paying for air conditioning. I like the months of March and November. I also enjoy time spent in the Freezer aisle at the grocery store.

ENEMY 2 - Low Flush Capacity Toilets - I am a large man, with exquisite dining tastes and classy eating habits. However, to say I may gorge or overindulge on occassion would be also accurate. Too many members of the exclusive club called friends and family are currently living in homes that were constructed in the era just after World War 2. Funny enough, many landlords/homeowners have seen no need to purchase a new toilet since 1950. Don't they understand that the average fatso in America today is consuming a combination of protein shakes, cheap ale, burritos, steak tips and late night chinese food on a weekly basis? The shit monster from Dogma was the 4th roommate at my college apartment. I really have become a pro at plunging of late, though. Luckily, no incidents at the new residence. Yet. In turn, I have really been letting them fly at the office. The day I clog an industrial strength commercial toilet will be the day I light off firecrackers and throw a parade for myself. Yay Fridge!

ENEMY 3 - K-Rock - This stupid dick has been a pain in my ass since I was 2 years old and he was born. True story, when he was 2 and I was 4 he bit me square on the toucas and took out a chunk of flesh. Ever since then, he's basically always been better at sports and more athletic than I have. Whenever I am successful at anything, like having a job and money, he one ups me by winning a National Championship in a manly sport like rugby. In other news, I played tennis in high school. He hits home runs or flies out to left field every at bat during softball games. I generally ground out to the shortstop and then sulk. Luckily, he's a really lousy drunk and probably won't have any long term success or friends.

ENEMY 4 - Starbucks (Non) Rainbow Cookies - Simpleton. That's me. When I buy a cookie called "rainbow," I assume and have come to know from past experience that I am going to have red, blue, green, orange and brown M+M's. Recently, Starbucks started skimping on the first three colors and all of their cookies have been brown and orange M+M-laden. For some reason, these cookies have also been causing the runs . Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm a fat mess and need to stop eating cookies and drinking lattes every day.

ENEMY 5 - Fenway Park - Tiniest fucking seats ever. Good to know that R Von D's Uncle "Jockey" and extended family are the only people in America that fit in the stupid place. I am not obese or ridiculously tall. I am probably an average sized white male. I cannot possibly be expected to sit in that shithole for a 4 inning game. Awful. If I ever hear the phrase "Lyric Little Bandbox" again, I'm going to hold Peter Gammons hostage. The urinals are trough style in some areas, with no barriers in between. Last time I was at a game it was in April and it was like 45 degrees out and raining. Shrinkage had occurred. But the gentleman using the facilities next to me had no problem looking down at my privates, laughing and barking out "I guess you could call that a dick" at me while I was trying to finish urinating. I went back to my seat in shame and paid $9.50 for another Natural Light disguised as Bud Light. Yum.

ENEMY 6 - Activities Requiring a Steady Hand - Driving, Texting, Pouring from a Pitcher in Public Places. "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!" I always make a fool of myself in front of everyone and my only retort is "K-Rock has it worse."

ENEMY 7 - Crowded Bathrooms - I get stage fright. That's my problem. I always try to go for the stall, if it's available. I am usually safe and can get the stream going in there. However, some of my bathroom companions might get confused by a gentleman of my stature taking a standy pee in a stall. I always fear the retribution and ridicule when I step back out through the stall door. Option two is to stand at a urinal for the normal 35-50 seconds, fake like I'm peeing and then walk back to my seat at the bar, restaurant or sporting contest I am attending. I don't want to let the other gents in the bathroom know that I have this horrible, embarassing problem. Even worse, I get back to my seat and I still have to pee like the dickens. I have no idea what my problem is. I was never violated by any authority figures in my life. I don't think I have abnormal bathroom activities compared to any other 26 year old men, though I do enjoy removing all my clothes and taking nice nudy poops on occasion.

ENEMY 8 - The Sun - Damn my pale complexion. I usually get a ridiculous, epic sunburns once a year where I have to bathe in Cocoa Butter and my skin itches for three days. The only known fixes for this are: -drinking a score of Miller Chills and sleeping in an air conditioned hotel room in Virginia Beach -wrapping oneself in swaddling clothes and laying in the den to watch movies and The View at the Dump Lounge -placing a plastic lawn chair in the shallow end of my parents' swimming pool and sitting in the chlorine for an entire day. I think Schonda Schilling is going to assassinate me.

ENEMY 9 - Standard Sized Hats - "Seven and three quarters" have got to be the most depressing four words ever spoken inside of a Lids. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just ask you to check out a rash on my homeless friend's hamstrings to see if it is potentially communicable through toilet seats and bus stop benches? No. I asked you to move the ladder, climb three steps up, and tell me if the god damned Cincinatti Reds hat is available in my size or not. Frig off.

ENEMY 10 - Uncooperative Karaoke Audiences - I have not only been a victim to this personally, see Kelly Clarkson "Breakaway," but I have also seen two other occasions of horrifyingly unreceptive audiences to two great karaoke performances. RVD's sensual version of "I Need You Tonight" by INXS was met with crickets and whispers of "I wonder if he uses a noose when he pulls on it," by a Grand Buffet crowd one summer evening in Nashua. K-Rock's epic cover of "Magic Man' by Heart was met with boos and projectile vomit by the attendees of the Lea Family Graduation Extravaganza. Perhaps they didn't approve of a karaoke song that featured a seven minute guitar interlude. My major problem with uncooperative audiences is their ease of criticism. If you don't have the ballsac to get up in front of a few friends and a few dozen strangers and let your singing do your talking, then I think you should leave your critical priveleges at the front door. Besides, I'm there to entertain, and I don't take it too seriously...right. Taking it too seriously would involve driving from Exit 4 to Exit 7 in Nashua at 12:35 just because DJ Dougie Tazer might let you sing the last song to close the place down.

Other potential enemies included: President Obama's Assault on the American Dream and Taxpayer, and Predatory Annuity Sales Practices. I figured that my explanations for these would end up coming across in a sobering, conservative and serious tone and those blog entries are better left to my great friend R Von Angry.

With Liberty and Hatred for All,
The Fridge


BONUS ENEMY: Michael Bay Movies - I love to hate them. Transformers 2 was basically a flaming bag of turd. The worst part about Michael Bay movies is the fact that he finds a way to work green flares and slow sweeping low angle camera shots of the hero/heroine into every single movie. The best part about Michael Bay movies is that they usually involve an air conditioned movie theater on a hot summer day and a shitload of popcorn and explosions. And sometimes Megan Fox. I like the way she's put together.