RVonD's Movie Clip of the Century!

If you haven't already guessed, I fancy myself something of a movie buff.  I've seen artsy movies, classic movies, awful movies, and porn...basically my whenever somebody beholds my DVD collection, that song from the original Willy Wonka movie starts playing, you know the one.

With this collection, I have stumbled upon a formula for a great movie.  To be successful, it should include any of the following:

1. Ass-kicking.

2. Catch-phrases.

3. A sassy black protaganist.

4. Good music

5. Sex

I want to bring to your attention though that I have just seen a clip from a movie that literally made me almost rip into applause after watching it.  If you haven't heard about this movie already, I need to be the one to tell you about it.  

BEHOLD!  BLACK DYNAMITE!!!

*Note:  This movie did not come out in 1975, it's actually coming out in a few months...for real.

R Von D and the Miracle Weight Loss Pill

Once when I was little, around the age of five, my dad used this simile when talking about doing good deeds for people:

"Doing good things for people is kind of like peeing your pants in a dark suit.  Sure it gives you a nice warm feeling, but at the end of the day nobody notices."

With that in mind, I've done some good things for people and he was spot-on in his assessment.  Now, nearly twenty years later, that simile has come to fruition in the most horrific of ways.

About two weeks ago, I started taking my weight loss seriously.  I've gotten back on the P90X train and have been doing yoga,  and I even set up a makeshift gym in the basement where I cannot be mocked while trying to better myself.

In addition to working out, I decided that I'd take an additional step to ensure my weight loss.  I started taking this weight loss pill called Alli.  

The premise of this pill is that it inhibits your body from digesting saturated fats.  Now, I know some of you are skeptical about this, but let me tell you the first time I went to the lav I was just as surprised as anybody to see what I saw.  I won't get into too much detail, but let me just tell anybody who has ever blotted a piece of pizza with a napkin, that's what my wipe looked like.  

Now, as I said, the idea behind this wonder drug is that you can't eat a meal with more than fifteen grams of fat or you will experience the most horrible stomach cramps, gas, and "spotting" anybody has ever experienced.  So basically what I'm doing in order to lose weight is forcing myself to eat vegetables and low fat foods under the supposition that if I eat Wendy's and foods unhealthy for me, I will literally shit my pants.

Now, I am a person whose disposition is a dangerous combination of a total lack of concern for my well-being combined with the mindset that I know better than everybody on the planet in all matters.  So naturally, after taking one of these pills, and while watching the Bruins beat the piss out of the lowly Montreal Canadians, I decided to take part in eating pizza, buffalo wings, and drinking Miller High Life with K-Rock and the Fridge.

In my head, I was thinking yeah, this will probably result in me getting up in the middle of the night, will probably be uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but fuck it, I'm R Von D and the squirty hurts have never slowed me down.  Not once, not never.  

So I ate, drank, took part in the general merriment, and went to bed.  But I didn't wake up in the middle of the night.  Instead, I got up in the morning, went into the loo, read some Sports Illustrated articles (if you know what I mean) and jaunted off to work.

Then it happened...

While I was sitting at my desk, studying for a Federal securities examination, I thought it would be okay for me to let out a little fart while the Indian guy (Dot not Feather) was on the phone.  There was a low rumble, and a warm sensation that seemed to last way longer than it should have.  Yes, I pretty much crapped my pants.  

I stood up from my desk and had to waddle the hundred yards or so down the hallway to the bathroom.  To my delight, the spillage was not solid, and had not yet leaked through my unders and onto my suit (which is black, thank God).  So, I cleaned myself up, and having no other option, deposited my undergarments into the waste receptical therein.  

So here I sit, at the very cubicle this all started with nothing seperating my boys from the outside world but a thin layer of suit pant.  

But what have I gained from this?  What good can come of a nearly 28 year-old man crapping his pants in a professional setting?  Probably nothing other than to keep on doing what I'm doing, because it's the only way I'm going to lose any weight other than getting liposuction.  

FML,

R Von D

PS - Down 7 pounds.

I needed to post something today!

So why not this?


Mister Randy Watson!!! from TC Awards Committee on Vimeo.


SEXIAL CHOCOLATE!

RVonD

Under-Reported News Topics of the Past 15 Years

Good evening friend,

I was thinking recently about how far down the standard of greatness in journalism has fallen. Woody Paige and Jay Mariotti are the type of sportswriter that the American newspaper has to offer? Yuck. Is Keith Olbermann or Sean Hannity remotely qualified to guide the public discourse on politics? Blah.

"The News" has become a business instead of something to truly interest us of late. And I believe that in the process, some of the following stories have gone under-reported. I had originally prepared a gentlemanly even list of 5 topics, but as I've deprived the world of my glorious thoughts for several months, I figured I'd even give you a bonus item! EN-JOY!

1. Terrell Owens Really Tried to Kill Himself

This superstar athlete overdosed on a lethal dose of a prescription painkilling medication. I know if I had a bottle of something called "Hydrocodone" that I wouldn't treat them like they were M+Ms. We all remember his redemption story two weeks later and his publicist bragging about the size of Terrell's "contract." But somehow the fact that one of the biggest names in sports actually was so sad that he tried to end it all went away quickly, which makes me sad. I believe the word is schadenfraude.

2. George Steinbrenner Directly Financed the Hit on Nancy Kerrigan

In the mid 1990s, apparently Big Stein developed an interest in the US Olympic program. He donated some money to some of the lesser and unsponsored talents in events like swimming and ice skating. One of the young porn stars/athletes to whom George gave money was Tonya Harding. Ergo, George Steinbrenner paid for the pipe that Gilooley used to smash up the knee of Massachusetts' own Nancy Kerrigan. Perhaps Nancy wore a Sox hat to skating practice one day and George was unpleased with this.

3. Richard Jewell Did Not Bomb the 1996 Atlanta Olympics

In fact, this portly recluse was a volunteer during the Olympics and probably saved lives. He was not guilty of anything other than warning people to move away from what he suspected was a backpack not full of books. So no, that face that was all over the news for six months and kinda looked like a fat Kevin Youkilis did not try to ruin the Summer Games.

4. K-Rock is a National Champion of College Athletics

Local Rugby team in Plymouth, NH competed in and won the Division III National Championship in the Spring of 2008. Local celebrities K-Rock and Hambone were contributing and senior members of this team. How this was not national news is beyond the Pen 15 Club's belief.

5. Nomar Garciaparra was NOT Implicated in the Mitchell Report:

(see above photo)

6. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" Was the Number One Movie in America for TWO Consecutive Weeks

Interesting to see how far the cinematic standard has fallen in this country that this turd could rule the box office for not one but two weeks. I guess the movie industry might as well just give up to the Buzzsaw that is Kevin James.

Fear not loyal reader. In the coming weeks and months, I will be re-dedicated to providing you with reading to distract you from your dull lives.

Please think of the environment and print 50 copies of this blog post and douse them all with gasoline and set on fire in a crowded and already polluted South American city slum while driving a gas-guzzling SUV and not recycling your Poland Springs water bottle.

XOXO

The Fridge

This Guy is the F'ing Balls!

...Just sayin'

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D: Update

I would like to update you in regards to my first wager through the majesty of Haiku:




Wax did not hurt me.
Duchess enjoyed smooth outcome.
But, hair now ingrown.

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D: Week 2

First, from Wikipedia:

Water intoxication (also known as hyperhydration or water poisoning) is a potentially fatal disturbance in brain functions that results when the normal balance of electrolytes in the body is pushed outside of safe limits by over-consumption of water.^[1] Normal, healthy (both physically and nutritionally) individuals have little to worry about accidentally consuming too much water. Nearly all deaths related to water intoxication in normal individuals have resulted either from water drinking contests, in which individuals attempt to consume more than 10 liters (2.2 imp gal; 2.6 U.S. gal) of water over the course of just a few minutes, or long bouts of intensive exercise during which electrolytes are not properly replenished, yet massive amounts of fluid are still consumed.

The Challenge:

Drink two gallons of water in two hours.

The Payoff:

$20.00


Now, you'd think this is easy enough right? You'd think this would be a no-brainer for me, right? Well you're wrong, and without giving too much away I will tell you that this is the first challenge in recent memory that did not come to fruition. Yes, ladies and gentleman. I, who at one point, drank entire pint glasses of hot sauce, have eaten a soy sauce and sour skittle sandwich, and have scarfed live sea urchin to impress an ex-girlfriends father, have come undone. What is the arrow that struck the Achilles Heel of R Von D...fucking water.

As we were sitting at home one night, Fussy Joe brings this challenge to me after a night out with Mr. Guy. If he hasn't been mentioned yet in this blog, you should know that about six months ago, on my 27th birthday, I met Mr. Guy. All I can tell you about this person is that he loves betting money and in terms of his psyche, he is clinging to the last essence of what it is to be a human being. Think of that person in high school that convinced you to do stupid shit and made it sound like the coolest thing you've ever done. Now picture that person with a limitless supply of alcohol and smokeless tobacco and there you have Mr. Guy, the man who offered me five thousand dollars to be on the receiving end of a Viagra-infused phallus...dead serious.

Anyway, Joe comes home and tells me of this water concoction that he and Mr. Guy have come up with. The original idea was to have me tape two gallons to my hands until they were gone. But me being the bet enthusiast that I am, I decided that the Edward (Insert Beverage)Hands was cliche. We also didn't have any tape...so me holding them would have to do. I sat down at 10:55pm and had until roughly 1:00am to finish the jugs (that's what she said). I decided that pacing myself was the best option, as prior milk challenges have gone south for me in regards to the alternative.

Skip ahead 45 minutes and my stomach is cramping so badly that I have to stand up and take the first of my many pisses that night. Truth be told, I woke up every hour that night and had to do the "dick dance" all the way to the bathroom as to not pee myself. You know the dick dance right? The one you used to do when you were 3 when you were getting yelled at or just got a new Nintendo cartridge.

(ed. note: I just felt like saying the word cartridge, and have a deep personal feeling that our economy is as bad as it is today because more things aren't offered in cartridge form)

So there I am, stomach cramping, girlfriend glaring at me, and Fussy Joe wearing that ear-to-ear shit-eating grin of his, and I decide to call it a night. Several things were running through my head in that instant, and I will share them with you in order of importance.

1. I drank so much beer and ate so much Chinese food on New Year's Eve the week before that I almost threw up on Duchess Von D. A repeat performance would almost certainly seal my fate into the world where my only means of gratification would be watching late-night Cinemax.

2. I had just consumed a bottle of wine, garlic and spinach pizza, and some carrots and hummus earlier that day, none of which would feel good about seeing again on both physical and psychological levels.

3. I surmised while watching her on my television, that Angelina's Jolie's lips must feel like two fleshy pillows filled with sunshine dust and rainbows. We were watching "Wanted" at the time...good flick.

4. I heard about this lady who died from Water Intoxication (See Above) in a "Hold your Wee for a Wii) contest. Maybe I should stop...

So to sum up, I gave in, and so-the-fuck-what? Twenty bucks wasn't worth the puke nor the the effort of self-gratification to Bikini Carwash 8. I'm too old for that and sadly I wasn't getting a new video game console for my effort. So until next week, this is R Von D reminding you that money makes the world go 'round and I'm broke as shit.


Urinatingly Yours,
Ron Von Don