I never thought at 24 I would be wasting away in a cubicle, staring at a computer screen, worried about whether of not to put a cover page on a client's status report or that my Swingline Stapler was out of SF 400 Premium Staples (not to be confused with the SF 500 which can cause quite the problem - Stapler jams can really bring your day down). But here I am. As a close personal friend of our usual authors, a huge admirer of MKenn, and an avid reader of the Pen15 Blog, I decided it was time to pen my own words of wisdom on the workplace or as my so called friends say complain about all the shit I deal with on a daily basis. So here they are, my Top Five Office Gripes:
Gripe Numer One Co-worker: "Did you get my email?"
Obviously I got your email. We all have our Outlook's open 8 full hours a day. You're office is directly next to mine. You can see me staring at my emails. I even get a little reminder in the lower righthand corner of my computer screen while I'm watching YouTube videos or reading the latest Britney gossip. I got your email and I'm ignoring you. Deal with it.
Gripe Number Two
"Why are you CC'ing me on emails that have nothing to do with me?"
Fans of the brillant comedy "The Office" may find this familiar. Scene: Jim Halpert immitating Fatty Stanley. While I'm a huge Jim fan, I gotta side with Stanley on this one. I don't care that you have to reschedule an interview with a client because your son/daughter/husband/wife/dog/cat/lizard is sick and you need to tend to them. I already receive hundreds of emails a day asking if I'd l ike to enlarge my non-exisstent penis I don't need to hear about what troubles you've got going on. Keep your personal life out of my Outlook.
Gripe Number Three
Sharing an Office
Now I admit this is selfish, but what the f. There's 18 actual bodies in my office. There are 25 actual offices. I didn't take math in college, but i'm pretty sure there's enough space to go around. But myself and my title counterpart (Account Coordinator Number 2) are forced to cram ourselves into one interior office, the only one without a window, divided by the oh-so lovely cubicle divider. Is this absolutely necessary? You already pay me shit for money. I'm essentially your bitch. Would it be so terrible to give me a little space to spread my wings? How about a window so I could see the sun every once in a while? Maybe my own door to close? Just sayin....
Gripe Number Four "Can you cover the phone while I take a 2 hour lunch?" -Receptionist
Um, no. I went to college for four years so that I wouldn't have to spend my days answering phones dear. If I wanted to be a professional receptionist I sure as hell wouldn't have spent $160,000 on an education. I would have gone straight from high school to Gold's Gym and answered phones there. At least I could have gotten a free gym membership out of it and spent my days scouting the talent that walked in the door. God.
Gripe Number Five
"[Insert co-worker name here] will be working from home today."
I don't know about you but I get at least one of these a week for various "reasons" most commonly "We're having baby-sitter problems," or "There's a school delay." Here's the thing, we all know you're lying. You're not working. No one actually gets shit done when they "work from home." We all know you're sitting on your ass watching Tyra and Maury while we pick up the slack for you. And sure, it may seem like a good idea to "check in" on your email, send a few out every few hours, but come on. Don't try to play me. Just say you're dicking around all day. I won't tell and you'll still make 3 times as much as I'll make today while I do my work and yours. K thanks.
Words to end with, "Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And well, if this were my career I'd have to throw myself in front of a train."
xoxo,
Dana Complaina (Cube Monkey)
 |
Click Play to Begin More Funny Videos |
No comments:
Post a Comment