Things have been brought to my attention lately.
I have recently moved to Charlestown, MA. and live beneath my good friend Fantastic Dan. Along with being one of my best friends, Fantastic Dan also rules because he is OBSESSED with things like old-style tattoos and the end of the world. So, in between getting inked up, he is constantly devising ways to survive the end of the world, which to him, will occur on 12/12/12.
So, in the back of my mind, I've been thinking about what I would do should that happen. I mean, if the world explodes, I'm just gonna say "welp...shit" and die like the rest of yous. But, should something else happen, I need to be prepared. And yes, I'm talking about zombies here.
So I'd run through scenarios in my head, and to be honest, I think I have it down. My wife, Lady Von D has been made aware of the plan and she is on board. I thought I was ready, but now there is more urgency than before.
Today, C-zanne and her harem of gal pals made me aware of this new thing that is sweeping the nation: brain-eating amoebas that are taking over fresh water supplies in the South. The first thing that popped into my head: "This is how it starts. Z-Day is coming." How can you learn about brain eating organisms without thinking zombies? It's all too silver screen to ignore. Here is the article if you're interested:
http://www.wtsp.com/news/article/206352/250/Brain-eating-amoeba-rare-but-deadly-How-to-stay-safe
It's time to get ready homies. So let the D tell you how to get ready...
EQUIPMENT:
First and foremost, you're gonna have to get geared up. Now, if you're thinking where to get as many guns as you can, you're already up the undead creek. Trust me, you're wasting your time for the most part.
Fistly, if you watch enough movies, you automatically think everybody hits what they are aiming at all the time. I will tell you first hand that this is not the case. It is my guess that 90% of you could not hit the center of a paper target twenty yards in front of you. Bear in mind, this is taking your time, going through all the breathing techniques, proper trigger squeeze, correct sighting, etc. Now, let's make that target move quickly, and instill in you a huge sense of danger. Also mind you, if you are an inch right left up or down, you're going to miss completely at that distance. I'm not shitting you. More than that, this is also taking into consideration that you know how to load, sight, clean, and maintain firearms, which takes some sort of training. Basically if you have a handgun and think you're gonna run shit, you're not. Plain and simple.
However, true believer, there is a solution...and very recently a mass-produced solution.
Firstly, if you insist on having some sort of ranged weapon, go shotgun. You don't have to be insanely accurate, it's easy to load, and you just kinda hip shoot...the old spray and pray with the scattergun. Another reason I am weary of gunfire though should be pretty obvious: Noise. The last thing you want when dealing with ravenous undead are more ravenous undead. But if you're gonna use something to make a statement, make sure it looks like this:
(note the pistol grip for better handling and side ammo mount)
So what do you get first? How about two of these things?
Who said Bear Grylls was good for nothing? yes, for 30 bucks at Dick's Sporting Goods you can get one of those bad larrys and start hacking off limbs. Quick, quiet, and painful. If you're not convinced, here is this thing in action:
Oh yeah, and they don't mention in this video, but it comes with survival stuff with it, which could help you out in a pinch. I'm all over that.
WHERE TO GO:
Obviously, I'm staying out of major cities or other densely populated areas; that's a no-brainer. I mean, if it's not then you deserve to be eaten. But where do you go? Who do you go with? What do you bring with you?
Well, I don't know what the hell you're doing, but I'm taking my wife, and that's it. If you're traveling with more than 3 other people you're fucked. There's inevitably going to be somebody who slows you down and gets your throat ripped out, that's just numbers in my book. I haven't decided whether to take my dog and cat. More mouths to feed for little payoff aside from companionship. But where to go?
Unlike all of you, I already have this worked out. My boy Booski literally has a fortress in Hollis, NH that you can't see from the street. It's chalk full of weapons, tools, cars, power, and is walking distance from sustainable food like corn fields and such.
Speaking of that, if you think you're going to go stock up on canned goods and water and all that nonsense, I would mention that despite thoughts to the contrary, all that shit does have a shelf-life, and in order to get any kind of sustainability, you're going to have to start growing your own food. I look forward to eating ground vegetables and corn the rest of my life. Healthier that way right? If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die skinny right? So instead of going to walmart and supermarkets, I'm going to home depot and the library to get books on farming. Trust me, I'll last longer than you.
ONCE YOU'RE SETTLED IN:
If you've followed my plan and get yourself set up, what then? I think the natural tendency would be to move around and find other survivors. I'm not going to do that. I'll have my little group and we will procreate and procreate and procreate until I've raised my own army. By the time the food starts to get scarce, the kids will be old enough to learn how to take care of our little compound, more workers = more farmhands = more food. Simple math in my head. Oh yeah, and if you plan on showing up to my fortress, you better bring something to the table. Don't bring your sick and wounded buddy, 'cause I'm gonna sink a machete in the back of his head. We don't do useless in the camp.
The only thing I HAVEN'T settled on yet is a tribe name. I toyed with calling my people the Mandalorians or the Children of Mandalore. Yeah, a little nerdy to name your people after an obscure sect of the Star Wars mythology, but whatever. Pretty badass, but I'm not married to it or anything. And just so you all know, Boba Fett was a Mandalorian, so there.
So that's all I can think of for now, and just remember when you're huddled around a fire and some bard is singing songs of my exploits, just remember the shit's probably all true...except for the number of girls I made women out of. Multiply that by three to get a more accurate number. I can already tell they're going to get that wrong.
Anything else you wanna know, send comments and questions my way. I'll leave you with an artist rendition of my exploits as a zombie killer. More wine, ladies?
