Monday Night Raw + Mohegan Sun = Heaven on Earth

Monday, January 7I took a half day from work and headed towards Uncasville, CT at approximately 2pm. A quick 90 minute shot down the Pike and 395 and I was parked in the Summer Garage on the Mohegan Reservation. I met up with my associates Big Ron (of Winnepasaukee fame), Tuba, Little Tuba, Pete and Crouch. To say we were a motley looking crue would be an understatement. Cowboy hats, WWE t-shirts, ill-fitting black shirts on Big Ron, etc. To say we felt out of place at Mohegan Sun on a Monday afternoon at 4pm would also be an understatement, as we weren’t smoking butts, Asian or a member of the AARP.

We decided that our first mission would be to get our feed on. We found a $20 all-you-can-eat buffet near the Casino of the Sky. The fact that the gross weight of the five of us was approximately 1200 lbs led to concern and fear on behalf of the staff at this buffet. We harvested all the foodstuffs we could for approximately 45 minutes and at one point I think Big Ron actually could have been considered “sweaty” care of how hard he was working on finishing his fifth plate of hard boiled eggs and pork fried rice.

Mission two was to steal back some winnings from the money-grubbing Native Americans who had gouged all of us on previous occasions. Big Ron and Pete found their luck at a blackjack table featuring a dealer named Xin. I do not know if he/she was a male or female, nor do I know how to pronounce that name. Tuba rocked a roulette table next to a man drinking straight Johnny Walker for about 45 minutes. I, being unable to take the up and down of all this betting, decided I would place only one bet. I lost $40 on one spin of the roulette wheel. Somehow I don’t think that was worth 2 hours of working.

We left the Casino at about 645pm because we thought Monday Night Raw had an early start this evening and that we needed to be at our 3rd row seats on the floor by 7pm. Unfortunately, we were confused about the start time and ended up being those 6 fat guys smushed into seats an hour before there’s anything going on in the arena. While we were a little tight in our seats, I can guarantee you that I was the happiest little boy in the Mohegan Sun Arena and that everyone in our general vicinity was wildly amused by our antics all evening. Yelling “you’re fired” in the Vince McMahon voice for 45 minutes before the wrestling actually began really kept the toothless wonders sitting around us in stitches.

Some highlights from the show included:
A lingerie pillow fight between 5 WWE Divas.
Fridge making “the stroke face” at Good Ole’ JR (he had a stroke a few years ago.)
Big Ron taking pictures of the thong that the girl in the row in front of us was wearing.
Pete and I cheering for every heel (look it up.)
Tuba’s “I Heart HBK” theme for the evening.
The fact that there’s a wrestler named Mr. Kennedy.
A Hacksaw Jim Duggan sighting. Hooooooo.
Spotted sign in the crowd: “EVERYONE HERE IS A JOKE.”
Spotted sign in the crowd: “UMAGA EATS BABIES.”
Spotted sign in the crowd: “HARDY IS 1#”
Big Ron jumping up like a little girl everytime the pyrotechnics went off.
Chris Jericho almost getting lynched.
The uber-homosexual Jeff Hardy dropping a “Whisper in the Wind” off of the top of a cage

I can honestly say that I’ve never had as much fun in an arena (save for UConn hoops games at Gampel) as I did that night at Mohegan Sun. I felt like I was six years old watching old school WWF but this time I was fifteen feet from the ring. I would heavily suggest that everyone attend a live televised wrestling event as soon as humanly possible. Not only will you come away amused, but due to the intelligence level of the rest of the crowd, your self esteem level will be at an all time high. And even though the Native Americans took about $100 of my money, white folks kicked their ass hundreds of years ago and they’re relegated to reservations. HA!

Fridge and R Von D's 'Bucket List'

In honor of Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman's new movie "The Bucket List," the Fridge and I have had thoughts about our own mortality. The following are our own bucket lists which are a list of things we want to do before we die. Please to be enjoying super-terrific-happy-number-one-lists.

Fridge:

- Go number two on a port-a-potty.

- Get on TV talking on a cell phone at a Red Sox Game.

- Taze a person who calls me "Bro".

- Briefly marry a celebrity whore.

- Go to Vegas and come home broke.

- See Andrew Dice Clay do stand up comedy in person.

- Smoke a cigarette in a bar in Massachusetts.

- Let the CIA waterboard me to see what it feels like.

- Write a full-length movie parody of "Brokeback Mountain" starring myself and R Von D

-Take HGH for one whole month.

-Spend an entire winter watching beisbol in the Dominican Republic.

-Sneak into Tanqueray factory with K-Rock and try to survive the night.

-Be physically removed from an all-you-can-eat buffet.

- Fall though the Spanish announce table during a wrestling match.

-Sit in the bleachers of Yankee Stadium with a Red Sox hat when the Yankees aren't playing the Red Sox.

R Von D:

- Spank a young nurse's ass while I'm in a nursing home.

- Eat an entire Carvel cake by myself.

- See an elderly couple holding hands on a beautiful spring day and tell them to "Get a fucking room."

- An Asian.

- Go on a 48 hour bender and still make it to work on time on Monday morning.

- Out drink K-Rock.

- Run up a tree or wall and do a backflip.

- Ruin a wedding.

- Win a karaoke contest.

- Have a nickname synonymous with a city or state ie.- "Memphis" or "Motor City."

- Move to Waltham.

- Pin my dad.

- Pee on a national monument.

- Convince a random woman that I am either a major league baseball scout or a minor league baseball player.

- Kill an animal with my bare hands.

- Date a stripper.

- Drink a Colt .45 out of Lord Stanley's Cup.

- Get something comped from a casino.

Addendum (I think that word makes sense here, correct if wrong Rob Van Dam)
by K-Rock

-Fix My Slice

-Tour Canadian Hunter Distillery

-Kick Tim Donaghy in nuts

-Replace Domn8r at top of Bad Dawgs list

-Literally stump the Schwab

-Blackout at a Bowling Alley

-Pet a dog without fearing for my life

-Take a pilgrimage to 1915 Moonlight Road Surry County, Virginia

-Be a high school Latin teacher

Brain Droppings From Jamie Lynn Spears

- Y'all It's gonna be awesome when my baby and I go to college together.

- Dang, there goes my shot with Tony Romo

- What's a Fallopian Tube? Is that like one of those ice cream rolls that sis gets me from Friendly's?

- Jesus told me that I need to turn my boyfriend not-gay, that's why I let him put his hoo-hoo in my cha-cha.

- Nobody told me that the antibiotics I was taking for my chlamidya and HPV would make my birth not work, y'all.

- One time Britney let me borrow one of her three kids for a weekend. Now she's only got two.

- The one time I don't take it in my butt, this happens...what's that all about y'all?

- My mother tried to push me down the stairs yesterday. What's the deal with that?

- Miss South Carolina is so smart. Did you know there was a South Africa?!

- My boyfriend has been punching me in the stomach lately. Usually he just hits me in m'face.

- Tell Chris Crocker to tell everyone to leave ME alone.

- Something about dualies pickup trucks drives me wild. 'Specially when they got those fake dog bawlls in back.

- Why do all boys with tribal tattoos have magic sperm?

- It's good that this happened early before my career was over y'all.

- The guy from Nickelodeon said I need to find a coat hanger and a bathtub real fast if I ever wanted to work again. Then everybody started to laugh and I didn't get it so I started laughin' too. Somebody tells me what that means so I can laugh for realsies.

- Praise Jesus.

Merry Belated Christmas from Team 15

Let me first start off by stating that all of us apologize for our absence the past few weeks. The drubbings of the holiday season had caught up to all of us and we couldn't find the time in between hangovers to get after our own site...but no more of that my dear reader.

Some thoughts on the holidays:

Since I was a kid, it has been beaten into my head that I have to be nice to everybody from the day after Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. For just over a month, it was my duty as a human being to go out of my way to be nice to everybody. For any of you who have read anything I have posted on this site for the past 9 or so months, you know that this is not my style. Still, I find little pockets of time to be nice to people, wish them a happy holiday season, and even point out where I'm parked when somebody is looking for a spot...but no more. Now in my mid-twenties, it is apparent to me that the holiday season is seen by everybody on Earth as a free pass to be a complete asshole to everybody else. Some examples for you:

I'm trying to get my dad one of those toasters that has a compartment to cook an egg so he can make breakfast sandwiches. My mother, God bless her, gave me some inside information that they were on sale at Target. So I go to Target, muscle my way through the throng of assholes and degenerates, and make my way to the "Kitchen" section which is located on the second floor, way in the back corner. To my dismay, I failed to see the appliance I was seeking on the shelves. It was time to call in reinforcements. Unfortunately, help came in the form of a 300+ pound woman with greasy hair and missing one of her front teeth. I didn't know if this woman had ever cooked a meal in her life, but she was my only hope in finding the perfect, albeit gross, Christmas present for my father. So I asked her if they had what I was looking for, went into detail about what it looked like and whatnot, and I was met with nothing but a blank stare and bad, fat lady, breath. She then asked me if it was with the toasters, I said no. She asked me if I looked in the toaster section, I said yes.
She said "it wasn't there?" and I said no.
"Then we don't have it," she said.
"Do you think you have any in the back?"
After a long pause, and not even a ounce of effort later, she said "No."

Now, If you're the type of person is hired at Target as holiday help, you'd think that you'd be happy to have a job for a month and a half. You'd think that two days before Christmas, you'd be spreading cheer around the best you can and helping people who need your help. But apparently "fuck that" right? You want to be miserable and fat and gross and smell like an old shoe. Fuckin' people.

Some random holiday thoughts:

-Having a baby stroller does not give you the right of way. Say thank you when people let you go past, and don't ram it into my ankles. It's your baby not a shopping cart you dumb prick.

-People are looking for parking spots. People will sometimes follow you when they see you are leaving. Get your shit and your car and leave. Don't take your time, smoke a cigarette or whatever. Get in, get out just like you'd do if you were made to have sex with the fat lady from Target.

-Have a purpose. Don't just wander around aimlessly when more focused shoppers are trying to get around you. Do not stop suddenly and try to turn around or R Von D is going to knock you on your ass then spit on you as you piss yourself on the floor while you are being stepped on by the proles from Lowell, Mass.

-Bottom line, get the fuck out of my way.

Christmas sucks, I'm more angry about everything than I ever have been and your mother's still a whore. Fridge, get my pills.

Hope You Had A Merry Christmas You Miserable Twats.
R Von D

Hard Justice: Pen 15 Style

Roon Voon Doon and I have decided that the justice system in the world today has gone haywire. The punishment no longer fits the crime. Having seen on Court TV that a Saudi Arabian woman was given 200 lashes and 6 months in prison for being in the company of men in public, we decided that it's time to offer up our own system of justice. The following crimes befit the following punishments:

1. Shoplifting - 30 Minutes of Indian Sunburn on your favored arm

2. Drug Possession - A stern talking to from your grandmother

3. Public Intoxication - Must go shot for shot with K-Rock for an entire weekend at Plymouth State University

4. Beastiality - Have to watch your mother get undressed and dressed again

5. Kiddie Porn - Forced to re-enact 2 Girls, 1 Cup with Rosie O'Donnell

6. Unpaid Parking Tickets - Unexpected noogie priveleges for your entire group of friends

7. Unpaid Child Support - Must stare at naked pictures of Meryl Streep for 3 years

8. Counterfeit Money - You're only allowed to get with unhappy, controlling women the rest of your life (aka the RBoosk Law.) Also, can no longer eat at Haagen-Dazs.

9. Sex with 17 Year Old
a) Male Adult on Minor Male: Death
b) Female Adult on Minor Female: $600 Gift Certificate to Best Buy (must only be used in Videocamera section)
c) Female Adult on Minor Male: High-Five and a Lottery Ticket (must split winnings on lotto ticket with police)
d) Male Adult on Minor Female: Pizza Party

10. Retransmitting a Major League Baseball Game without the Expressed Written Consent of Major League Baseball Commissioner's Office - Code Red (see: A Few Good Men)

Thank you for your time,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos

2 Girls, 1 Fridge

The Sun UK is reporting that Britney Spears is threatening to release a lesbian sex tape starring Paris Hilton. Now, I'm the type of person who has seen maybe one too many pictures of both of these broads' snizzes. However, my main squeeze the Fridge thinks otherwise. You see, for as long as they have been on the television, Fridge has been enamored with everything that has to do with high-priced Hollywood whores.

R Von D: The people who read our little site should know that you are our connoisseur regarding porn and vaginas that look like stacks of deli meat. What do you look forward to most should this tape be released?

Fridge: The one man premiere party held here in my apartment. Candles, a dark screening room and silk pajamas. I'm good.

RVD: If you were a betting man, who came away with more new diseases after this little escapade?

Fridge: The mixture of their bodily fluids probably created a new superdisease known as "The Rage." This may or may not have been predicted by that movie 28 Days Later. Don't get it near your eyes or mouth.

R Von D: Say you are lucky enough to have been the meat in a Paris and Britney sandwich, who do you think would have the better performance? As a follow up, what would you have them do?

Fridge: They should fight to the death. Winner gets cocktails and dick.

R Von D: So you get the best of both worlds here: A porker who used to be the hottest girl in the world, and a girl who used to be the biggest whore on the planet trying to clean up her act. What is more appealing to you in this day and age? The fallen or the reinvented?

Fridge: I'm a big believer in redemption. But I feel like Paris is due to fall off the wagon into a sea of penis in the near future and I want to be coming in with the tide. (That's what she said.)

R Von D: Paris and Brit Brit are about to do the dirty-dirty. You get to see them use one food item on each other, what do you choose?

Fridge: Bucket of KFC. Paris needs a little meat on her bones and Britney gets grumpy when she consumes under 10,000 calories.

R Von D: If you had to title this movie, what would you call it?

Fridge: 'Two Girls, One Fridge"

R Von D: What advice would you give to any young Hollywood starlet who is thinking about shooting her own adult film?

Fridge: More "POV" shots.

R Von D: What is a POV shot?

Fridge: It's like first-person porn where you don't seen the dudes face and he doesn't say anything the whole time. It's much easier for me at that point to pretend it's me givin' it to Lohan or Barbara Walters.

R Von D: Barbara Walters, huh?

Fridge: Shut up, you fat idiot.


Joyous Yuletide,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos (Fridge and R Von D)

A Comparison Between Two Fat Messes

Fridge

Vitals:

Age: 24

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 320

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:4

Favorite Food: Salmon

Favorite Drink: Canadian Hunter

Hobbies: Shredding Guitar Hero, Hanging out with Communist roomates

Job: See Milton in "Office Space"

Family: 2 Parents, 1 Handsome, Accomplished Brother

Joba Chamberlain

Vitals:

Age: 22

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 230

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:1

Favorite Food: Mosquitos

Favorite Drink: 7 & 7

Hobbies: Horseback riding, Murderball

Job: Pitcher for NY Yankees

Family: 1/2 Father