My Roommates Are Trying To Kill Me: Day One

Prelude:

As many of you know, having left a cushy teaching gig, I have made my foray into the business world by taking a job in the Marketing and Advertising field. Now, you'd think that my position would be much more lucrative, but you see, things in this country have begun to cost more and more and it has left your humble narrator in somewhat dire straights these days. A second job and a stupid bet later, I am left sitting in my cubicle with swollen bloodshot eyes, no real money to my name, and a severely upset stomach. How did this happen you ask? I'll tell you my dear reader.

To get a little more jingle in my pocket, I've taken a second job delivering pizzas. That's normal right? A 27-year-old bloke lumpin' pizzas to fat college girls at 10:30 PM on a Monday night dressed in a shirt and tie from his day job? You know what? Fuck you because I say it is and you can choke on my goddamn fist. How's your 401k after the Dow Jones did their best NY Mets impression you pile of bull excrement? You stink.

...sorry I'm very tired this morning.

In addition to my new job, I've also taken an interesting bet with KRock, Fridge, and our roommate Fussy Joe. My task is to eat everything they put in front of me for five days, and they will each shell out twenty-five dollars on Friday night. Five days of crap for a little bit of pocket change. Not too bad right? Obviously there are rules to this:

1) Everything they give me has to be edible.
2) All I have to do is swallow the food, what my body chooses to do after that is out of my control and therefore cannot negate the bet.
3) I cannot "manually"purge said food.
4) All food this week has to be provided and prepared for me, at no cost.

"And heeeeeeere weeeeeeeeee...go."











DAY 1:

I wake up and to my delight, the idiots I lived with failed to provide me anything for breakfast. This pleased me because I could go about my day not worrying about when I was going to puke at my desk and start crying. Instead, I worked a day starting at 7:00am and ending at 12:30am the next morning. Awesome.

If that wasn't bad enough, I was met by Fussy Joe as soon as I walked in the door at 12:45 telling me that my dinner was waiting for me in my bedroom. To my delight there was two pieces of bread and a Redline energy drink. For those of you who have not had a Redline before, basically what it is is an energy drink that has a warning label on it saying the following:

"Do not drink while pregnant," "Keep out of reach of children," and "Do not drink on an empty stomach", amongst other things. Some users have reported that they have experienced trembling, increased body temperature, sweating, headaches, and nausea when consumed on an empty stomach. The product also carries labels warning consumers not to use it if they are under the age of 18, and the item tends to be age-restricted in many retail outlets, including Wal-Mart. The Navy Exchange has imposed a limit of one Redline per customer due to concerns of sailors potentially overdosing." - From Wikipedia

So this is what I had to drink at 12:45am after working the entire day. Oh yeah, and the sandwich consisted of peanut butter and sour skittles. Logically, I awoke at 3:15 or so and made a mad dash to the bathroom where I threw up clear liquid and half-eaten skittles while my heart beat faster than Fridge's while he watches Transformers. Best day of my life. To think, I could be sitting in front of a classroom of ungrateful teen aged assholes instructing them in a discipline they will surely never use in real life. Instead, I'm living with piece of shit middle-aged assholes, instructing them in nothing, and sacrificing my pristine physical appearence to make ends meet.

I will say this though; when this week is over my retribution will be swift and just. The D can only be pushed so far, my friends. And when the day of reckoning comes for my associates, I can assure you that no expense will be spared in seeing them kneel before Baron Von D.

And then there was evening, and then morning. The first day.

The Comprehensive List of Female Genitalia Pseudonyms

We recommend you use each of these frequently:

vagina, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, hole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, s, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, curator, b.o.b.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, ry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cave, donut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, zilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indiana bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold

Happy (Belated) 4th of July, You Sunsabitches From the Pen15 Crew

If you fuck with America, we'll come to your house with socks filled with bars of soap and fuck your commie mothers while we strike you with said soap-filled socks.

Sidenote: Fireworks rule.

Kisses,
The Pen15 Club

R Von D "Takes the Morning Train"

While the people of the internet have long heard me prattle on and on about the shortcomings of a teaching career, I am proud to announce that my stint in the Connecticut wilderness is all but forgotten. For the past month I have moved on from teaching children the ancient values of Roman culture, and into the fast lane city-livin' I have always dreamed of. Day to day I sit in my cube. I do not miss six day weeks. I do not miss the summers off, leaving me with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with. And, I do not miss sniveling children and their well-to-do parents. To put it bluntly, my life is kickin' ass right now. Here's the typical work week for me.

7:00 - I wake, hang out with my man Fridge and head off to work. Sometimes I get stuck in traffic on the Mass Pike going from most glorious city Waltham to Boston. Do I care? No, because I get to listen to Opie and Anthony. Nothing is better than listening to the sexual exploits of Jim Norton early in the morning.

8ish - I stroll into work with my little briefcase and say hi to everybody, I then go to the corner to Starbucks where I get myself a grande redeye with skim milk and two splenda. This will keep me awake for the next four hours.

9:00-11:59 - The three hours until lunch are spent cold calling people. While you might think this is dumb and played out, it is an interesting time for me to play games with people. I try different sales tactics, see what works and what doesn't work, and figure out ways to harass people over the phone and try to get them to meet me in person. Most of the times this doesn't work, but the times it does, I am ecstatic.

Noon - I go to lunch at a 40% discount at Boston Billiards, just one of the perks of my job. I chat up the bartenders there and take my time before going back to work.

1:00-5:00 - More calls, maybe some appointments, more coffee.

5:00-6:00 - This time is spent winding down and maybe going down to Starbucks to take a dump. There is something strangely satisfying about taking a dump in such a yuppy establishment such as Starbucks. The grin on my face as the Brooks Brothers crowd smell my feces is something we all should experience. Next time you're around a Starbucks, drop some heat and then see people try to order a Orange Mocha Frappacino while getting a whiff of your brand of awfulness. Try to keep a straight face. In reality though, I'm just too timid to poop in my office right now.

6:00 - I sit in my cube and wait to see if all three of my bosses have left yet. Then, after they leave, I leave and go to Waltham where my lovely lifemate is there waiting for me with some broiled chicken and some ice cold Coor beers. I then wait to do it all over again, you know, workin' for the weekend and all of that.


And now, R Von D's top five things about the American Work Week:

1. Bagel/Casual Friday - For my money, nothing is better than this. I get to wear what I want, eat what I want and just be comfortable while doing my job. What is better than that?

2. Sitting in traffic - As stated prior, I like traffic. I sit in air conditioning, listen to good music, and I'm in a car where nobody can give me shit. The only thing better than this is doing the same thing in casual clothing. Best thing ever.

3. Sunday Funday - Friday is pretty good, Saturday is a great time, but Sunday Funday is where it's at. The gentleman of Waltham take the time on the Lord's day to eat a healthy brunch, usually some Irish fare, and slug down a couple of mixed drinks in the process. The best part about that is we drink enough where we pass out around 7:00pm and I get a great booze-filled night's sleep for the week ahead.

4. Repetitive Tasks - Say what you want about this, but I have spent the last three years studying the male mind. I know how this shit works. I'm an A to B person. Give me a task and I'll complete it. Tell me when, how, and where to do something and it will get done. You don't even have to give me a why, just tell me to get it done and it will get done. I like linear thinking. Can I think outside the box? Yes I can. Am I of superior intelligence? You bet your fucking ass I am. But, I'm smart enough to know when I've found a good thing and not to fuck it up. If they don't expect me to sell anything in my first three months of work, I'm not going to bust my ass. A lifelong mover once told me "Don't work harder, work smarter." These are words to live by and you should all learn how to do this.

5. Bosses - On the subject of repetitive tasks, the one thing that makes this better is if it comes from one single person. I always hated the tangental conversation that took place around the school I worked at. I would have lunch with a person, talk to them about their day, then five minutes later get an email from them asking me to do something for them. Now I get a single person telling me what to do, face-to-face, no bullshit. There is something to be said for that and I like it.

I will tell you this, dear reader; a 9-5 is awesome. For all of you who bitch and moan about it, the grass isn't always greener, and if you still think it is then whatever. The point of this whole entry is to let you know that my life away from Connecticut rules now, and I'm sitting on my couch watching a Red Sox game with Dana Complaina and Fridge while drinking beer. Fuck summers off. This is where it's at.

Yes sir,
R Von D

Frankie Says Relax

We know, we haven't blogged in a while. We have been busy with things like moving, new jobs, a new beginning, and God forbid, a girlfriend. So we at the Pen15 Club ask you to kindly keep your fucking shirt on.

Coming soon:

Bringing out the worst in each other: Los Hermanos Fantasticos Begin to Live Together
RVonD takes on the American work week.
Fridge's analysis of the usefulness of women in the work place.
Dana Complaina moves to Southie.
The C studies for the bar.
K-Rock graduates college, remains a retard, continues to suck as a contributer.

Hugs and Kisses,
The Pen15 Staff

Vote RvD + Fridge in '08

"We are not here to be your leaders. We are not here to be your role models. We are here as your cultural and emotional assassins. Every 'scene' you try so hard to be a part of. Every 'cause' that you get involved in. We are here to bring them down and to point out flaws in everyone, including ourselves. We intend to run a campaign based on brutal and horrific honesty. Do we think all ugly women should be forced to work in the stock rooms of grocery stores, hidden from all of society? Not if they have a decent rack, we don't. This isn't the kind of campaign you are going to get from any of those other 3 candidates. Toeing any party lines is not something that your humble writers are interested in. We are the Pen 15 Brigade, and we've reported for duty."



Give'er,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos (R Von D & Fridge)

Spring Is In the Digital Air: R Von D Attempts Online Dating

I've touched upon this a thousand times before, but I must reiterate again that my social life leaves a lot to be desired. Granted, this will all be over at the end of May when I move to the glorious city of Waltham, MA and get to have bunk beds with the Fridge (I already called bottom because of my small stature, and I'll enjoy watching his fat ass climb up every night). However, at the beginning of this month, I lost faith in my abilities to go out and meet people. I began to think that I was so undesirable to the opposite sex, that I delved into ninth circle of dating hell...online dating.

My experience here has done nothing but affirm my suspicions that I am going to be the cranky old man in the neighborhood who shoots kids with pellet guns when they step on my lawn. I did, however, find out some new things:

1) Fat girls LOVE me: Now I'm not talking "curvy" or "full figured" or "Mother Earth goddess" types here. I'm talking FAT girls. Girls who's ideal date is sensual food play with a fucking turkey drumstick. Oh, and all these girls list their body type as "about average"...right. I don't get it. I mean I was once in great shape, and have admittedly not been in the gym as much as I ought to, but come on. I'm not fat, and can't understand why "normal" females* do not find me attractive. This leads me to my second point:

2) All women are delusional: If you think writing "easy-going" or "loves movies" is going to somehow set you apart from the herd, you're fucking crazy. All girls think they're easy going. What is that shit? The reason you're on this site in the first place is because you're NOT easy going. If you were, you'd take the approach that 'things are going to work themselves out' and not whine and complain about how you can't meet the right people. That is the EXACT OPPOSITE OF EASY GOING, you stupid woman. Side note: Everybody loves movies, who the fuck do you think you are? I mean, granted you look like Roger Ebert, but that doesn't make you a film expert.

3) Every single girl on match.com is taller than me: No bullshit, every "wink" I got was from a girl who was 5'11" or taller. What do they want on a first date? Me to balance on a ball, juggle, and have them throw me across the room? Move onto the next profile, Gigantor, I'm short and stocky and do not need your sympathy or kinky sex acts that involve me dressing up in costumes. I mean...not that I know anything about that or anything...fuck off.

4) My home state is a Greek Tragedy: Seriously, you should see the single girls New Hampshire has to offer, they should seriously have their own fucking telethon.

Now, those are all facts, these are things that I actually witnessed. This is what I have come to. Just this morning, I took a peek at my profile to see that I got an email from a girl who listed her interests as the NRA and the last book she read was something regarding "Fantasy Dragons." Yeah, and did I mention she was 28-years-old and reading fantasy dragon books while going to monthly meetings of the goddamn NRA???!?! Is that fucked to anybody but me? Here's the thing: I majored in classical languages and Asian studies in college. I own several Frank Miller graphic novels, and Coheed and Cambria is one of my favorite bands, but am I THAT big of a goddamn dork?

Here's the thing; I used to be a social guy. Not to toot my own horn, but when I was more of a strapping young man I could throw the claw up and get it down in a crowded room of girls. Now it seems, I attract Dungeon Masters and girls who wash themselves with a rag on a stick. Perhaps I'm being unkind, perhaps they're really nice people and I've just had too much coffee today, but HOLY HELL I need to get out of here.

Okay, enough of the rant, and now onto the real problem with online dating.

The real problem I see here is that decent-looking girls who are on these sites and are "sick of the bar scene" are just as impossible to deal with as they would be in real life. Admittedly, I've done whatever I could to kind of break the ice with every girl who fit my criteria, and even if we seemed like a dynamite fit for each other, I am the first person in the history of online dating to strike out in the email department. Really. I can't even get an online girl to find me to be witty, charming, and perhaps a bit attractive. I'm beginning to think that I peaked sexually at 18 like everybody told me I would, but perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself. After all, this was just an experiment for me, just to see what I was up against in the dating world. But I'm beginning to feel like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the hill** and God is punishing me for ever becoming a Latin teacher in the first place.

Today my own flag is at half mast. I am mourning the loss of my dignity and any social life I thought I had. Take a moment moment out of your day for observed silence for me.

Fucking fantasy dragons,
R Von D




*There are, of course, no normal women left on Earth.
**Classical mythology reference alert!