Prelude:
As many of you know, having left a cushy teaching gig, I have made my foray into the business world by taking a job in the Marketing and Advertising field. Now, you'd think that my position would be much more lucrative, but you see, things in this country have begun to cost more and more and it has left your humble narrator in somewhat dire straights these days. A second job and a stupid bet later, I am left sitting in my cubicle with swollen bloodshot eyes, no real money to my name, and a severely upset stomach. How did this happen you ask? I'll tell you my dear reader.
To get a little more jingle in my pocket, I've taken a second job delivering pizzas. That's normal right? A 27-year-old bloke lumpin' pizzas to fat college girls at 10:30 PM on a Monday night dressed in a shirt and tie from his day job? You know what? Fuck you because I say it is and you can choke on my goddamn fist. How's your 401k after the Dow Jones did their best NY Mets impression you pile of bull excrement? You stink.
...sorry I'm very tired this morning.
In addition to my new job, I've also taken an interesting bet with KRock, Fridge, and our roommate Fussy Joe. My task is to eat everything they put in front of me for five days, and they will each shell out twenty-five dollars on Friday night. Five days of crap for a little bit of pocket change. Not too bad right? Obviously there are rules to this:
1) Everything they give me has to be edible.
2) All I have to do is swallow the food, what my body chooses to do after that is out of my control and therefore cannot negate the bet.
3) I cannot "manually"purge said food.
4) All food this week has to be provided and prepared for me, at no cost.
"And heeeeeeere weeeeeeeeee...go."
DAY 1:
I wake up and to my delight, the idiots I lived with failed to provide me anything for breakfast. This pleased me because I could go about my day not worrying about when I was going to puke at my desk and start crying. Instead, I worked a day starting at 7:00am and ending at 12:30am the next morning. Awesome.
If that wasn't bad enough, I was met by Fussy Joe as soon as I walked in the door at 12:45 telling me that my dinner was waiting for me in my bedroom. To my delight there was two pieces of bread and a Redline energy drink. For those of you who have not had a Redline before, basically what it is is an energy drink that has a warning label on it saying the following:
"Do not drink while pregnant," "Keep out of reach of children," and "Do not drink on an empty stomach", amongst other things. Some users have reported that they have experienced trembling, increased body temperature, sweating, headaches, and nausea when consumed on an empty stomach. The product also carries labels warning consumers not to use it if they are under the age of 18, and the item tends to be age-restricted in many retail outlets, including Wal-Mart. The Navy Exchange has imposed a limit of one Redline per customer due to concerns of sailors potentially overdosing." - From Wikipedia
So this is what I had to drink at 12:45am after working the entire day. Oh yeah, and the sandwich consisted of peanut butter and sour skittles. Logically, I awoke at 3:15 or so and made a mad dash to the bathroom where I threw up clear liquid and half-eaten skittles while my heart beat faster than Fridge's while he watches Transformers. Best day of my life. To think, I could be sitting in front of a classroom of ungrateful teen aged assholes instructing them in a discipline they will surely never use in real life. Instead, I'm living with piece of shit middle-aged assholes, instructing them in nothing, and sacrificing my pristine physical appearence to make ends meet.
I will say this though; when this week is over my retribution will be swift and just. The D can only be pushed so far, my friends. And when the day of reckoning comes for my associates, I can assure you that no expense will be spared in seeing them kneel before Baron Von D.
And then there was evening, and then morning. The first day.
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