Toilet Humor

An interesting thing happened at work today when I went to the restroom around 10:30 to urinate. To set the scene of this restroom, there are 2 sinks, 2 urinals, and then 3 stalls (1 handicapped.) My company leases space on all 4 floors of our building, however we do share the 4th floor with an IT consulting company. Therefore, we share the 4th floor restroom with the "other" company. A few of my coworkers and I have noticed several questionable items from the other company. First, at least a third of "The Others" walk with a limp. Second, another third do not wash their hands after using the john. Third, the last third have an inexplicable need to use the cell phone while in the shared restroom.

Today's incident involved your humble author and one of The Others' cell phone use. I waltzed into the restroom prepared to unleash a large batch of asparagus pee on the second urinal. Much to my chagrin, I was barely able to get the stream going before the sound of business conversation/negotiation was berating my ears from the middle stall. This goon was conducting legitimate business while sitting on the toilet. I am not above talking to K-Rock, RvD, my mother, or even Team Canada while I'm sitting on a private toilet. But even I wouldn't subject strangers in an office setting to listen to my stupid conversations. Especially given the fact that the content of my conversations on the phone these days mostly revolves around whether I'm bringing the correct brand of kitty litter home with me.

Back to the matter of the toilet talker, my evil mind immediately tried to go into hyper-drive trying to think of amusing ways to sabotage this prick's business phone call. If he wanted to disrupt my pee, I was going to find a way to cost him money, business success and most of all, some sense of lifelong happiness. Because of the stench of my own asparagus pee, my mind wasn't functioning at 100% though. I could only come up with two (admittedly weak) ideas.

First, I could let out a loud fart. I had one in queue too. The risk of farting and peeing at the same time while standing at a urinal should not be underestimated. The impact of a good fart can really cause urine to go in unforeseen directions. I know I've tried this on occassion and while I currently have a .600 average, this isn't slow pitch softball...we're talking about getting piss in inappropriate places and theoretically getting piss on me 4 out of 10 times is not kosher.

Second, I could say something inappropriate out loud. Our stone bathroom walls would surely reverberate the sound into his phone (probably bluetooth ear piece) and the party on the other end of the phone would hear my comment and cancel his/her end of the contract they were discussing. There was no one else in the bathroom except for me and Johnnie Deuce. The only thing that came to mind that would be equally inappropriate and amusing was to blurt out "...and that was the first time I got crabs." Pretty weak. Probably would have been raised an eyebrow on behalf of the shitter, but because I had so dissappointed myself, I didn't say anything.

I got back to my desk (after washing my hands) and shared my story with a few co-workers. Here is a quick list (in what I believe is ascending order of awesomeness) of things that I could have done to make the situation in the restroom much more amusing/awkward for our friend in Stall 2:

1. "The Freshman Dorm " - Douse a roll of TP in water and roll under the stall door and between his pant legs
2. "The STD" - Pose the following question out loud..."Does my foreskin still look infected?"
3. "The Jack Bauer" - Yell "I'll waterboard you until you give me the answer I want" and then loudly gurgle some water.
4. "The Wet Bandits" - Stick paper towels in the sinks and turn the faucets on high
5. "The Charley Baileygates" - Get into a fight with my imaginary alter ego and accidentally fall through the stall door
6. "The Noody Poop" - Very aggressively drop trousers and shirt in the stall next to the talking deucer and kick them off of feet.
7. "The Brokeback" - Utilize an iPhone and its' YouTube application, view a certain scene from a certain movie starring Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger.
8. "The Spaulding Smails" - Roll a Snickers into his stall
9. "The Prostate like a Honeydew" - Consistent flushing every twenty seconds of urinal for a consecutive five minutes
10. "The Ray Charles" - Shut the bathroom lights off

Please leave your own ideas in the comments.

Au revoir,
Le Refridgerador