I was thinking today (Oh really!? Did you hurt yourself...hahahaha fuck you, not funny), that life is always moving forward whether we like it or not. As a matter of fact, I was watching the new Indiana Jones movie on DVD and one of the characters in the movie said something to the effect that there is a point in time where life stops giving you things and starts to take things away from you. Sad, but true. So I began to think about all of the things in my life that have changed as I near my 28th birthday. Jobs, friends, families, pretty much everything changes. My infantile mind then drifted to all of the women in my life who have changed as well, and how many of my adolescent fantasies have gone by the wayside due to unfriendly aging. So here is a short top 5 of the women I used to find sexually attractive and now don't. From philosophy to sex in one short move, how sophomoric of me. Enjoy.
5. Kirsten Dunst - An easy one for me. I remember being one of two males in the theater to see "Bring it On" and staring at Miss Dunst as she shook her little thing and her rather large breasts act out almost every cheerleader fantasy a young lad could have right down to the bikini carwash. Now it seems, gravity and drug use have crippled this once fine young lady and made her into a saggy-titted bag of bones that no studio executive loves. How she is still cast as Mary Jane Watson, who is supposed to be a SUPER MODEL mind you, is beyond my mental capacity.
4. Jenny McCarthy - I remember clearly on my 14th birthday one of my good jr. high school friends came to my birthday party and gave me a poster of Ms. McCarthy. It was the shot for her Playmate of the Year cover with her on the pink satin and you could see her bum. Probably one of the best shots of her ever taken. Now while some still might find her attractive in some light and I would not disagree, here is my issue. Sure, she's funny, witty, eats cheeseburgers, and swears like a sailor but having a hot girl pontificate endlessly about child birth and autism is a real boner-killer. I remember Jenny being on some talk show talking about the "blue taco" she referenced in her book "belly laughs" only to find out she was talking about the swelling and discoloration of her unshaven (yes she mentioned that too) labia during pregnancy. Also, the whole thing with her son is unfortunate and I wouldn't wish that on anybody, but it's no reason to stop taking care of yourself, dear.
3. Nikki Cox - I was talking to the Fridge today and we couldn't for the life of us recall the name of the show that Nikki Cox and Kevin Connelly were on with the rabbit puppet voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait. We did, however remember that Nikki Cox was the only reason to watch that show. The premise of the show was basically "Married With Children" with a hotter daughter, an even more diminutive son, and puppets. This is probably one of the biggest let downs in all of adolescent history to see her now. The proof is in the pudding in this picture (http://www.celebritymilkshake.com/425/time-is-a-cruel-bastard.html). I don't know which is more depressing, the fact that she once was so hot, or the fact that she's married to Jay Mohr now...gross.
2. Jenna Jameson - Might be too easy here, but come on: What guy aged 21-30 has not seen any work with Jenna Jameson in it? Here's a girl who had to pull her braces off at 17 so she could work at a strip club and pass for 18. Here is a girl who is the porn queen. The Marilyn Monroe of adult films and probably the highest paid adult film star ever. So what happened? I would guess a very unhealthy diet, drugs, various diseases, and whatever else just ravaged this poor kid. Seriously she's so skinny now I bet the widest thing on her is her vagina. Oh, and shame on her and whoever else decides to take implants OUT once they've been in for over 6 months. Which leads me into my #1 with a FUCKING BULLET.
1. Pamela Anderson - Hmmm what should I pick here, the cellulite, the bad skin, the frame that is almost about to collapse, or how about the fact that she's going to be dead inside of ten years due to hepatitis? You choose. Seriously she looks like somebody's grandmother strolling along the beach in a bikini that is way to small for her. Granted she can pull the rabbit out of the hat every once and a while, but somebody has to tell baby girl to cover up 'cause she's starting to look like the crypt keeper. And here's a woman who had great implants, took them out, had saggy boobs for a while to go for the more natural look, then put in the most ridiculous set of tits on herself that money could buy. Money she probably doesn't have any more mind you. What's the last significant thing she's done in the past five years other than star in a shit music video with her shitty ex-husband Kid Rock? Yeah she was in Borat, but half the joke of Borat being obsessed with Pam was that he was from Eastern Europe and the irony of him wanting to marry somebody who was hot ten years prior to his arrival is funny. Didn't think of that, did you?
So that's the list. And just so you don't think I'm a completely heartless prick. Here are five women who I didn't think were gorgeous five years ago, but I would do illegal things to in the present.
5. Winona Ryder
4. Christina Ricci
3. Jenny Garth
2. Holly Hunter
1. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss
Your faithful blogger,
RVonD
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