First, from Wikipedia:
Water intoxication (also known as hyperhydration or water poisoning) is a potentially fatal disturbance in brain functions that results when the normal balance of electrolytes in the body is pushed outside of safe limits by over-consumption of water.[1] Normal, healthy (both physically and nutritionally) individuals have little to worry about accidentally consuming too much water. Nearly all deaths related to water intoxication in normal individuals have resulted either from water drinking contests, in which individuals attempt to consume more than 10 liters (2.2 imp gal; 2.6 U.S. gal) of water over the course of just a few minutes, or long bouts of intensive exercise during which electrolytes are not properly replenished, yet massive amounts of fluid are still consumed.
The Challenge:
Drink two gallons of water in two hours.
The Payoff:
$20.00
Now, you'd think this is easy enough right? You'd think this would be a no-brainer for me, right? Well you're wrong, and without giving too much away I will tell you that this is the first challenge in recent memory that did not come to fruition. Yes, ladies and gentleman. I, who at one point, drank entire pint glasses of hot sauce, have eaten a soy sauce and sour skittle sandwich, and have scarfed live sea urchin to impress an ex-girlfriends father, have come undone. What is the arrow that struck the Achilles Heel of R Von D...fucking water.
As we were sitting at home one night, Fussy Joe brings this challenge to me after a night out with Mr. Guy. If he hasn't been mentioned yet in this blog, you should know that about six months ago, on my 27th birthday, I met Mr. Guy. All I can tell you about this person is that he loves betting money and in terms of his psyche, he is clinging to the last essence of what it is to be a human being. Think of that person in high school that convinced you to do stupid shit and made it sound like the coolest thing you've ever done. Now picture that person with a limitless supply of alcohol and smokeless tobacco and there you have Mr. Guy, the man who offered me five thousand dollars to be on the receiving end of a Viagra-infused phallus...dead serious.
Anyway, Joe comes home and tells me of this water concoction that he and Mr. Guy have come up with. The original idea was to have me tape two gallons to my hands until they were gone. But me being the bet enthusiast that I am, I decided that the Edward (Insert Beverage)Hands was cliche. We also didn't have any tape...so me holding them would have to do. I sat down at 10:55pm and had until roughly 1:00am to finish the jugs (that's what she said). I decided that pacing myself was the best option, as prior milk challenges have gone south for me in regards to the alternative.
Skip ahead 45 minutes and my stomach is cramping so badly that I have to stand up and take the first of my many pisses that night. Truth be told, I woke up every hour that night and had to do the "dick dance" all the way to the bathroom as to not pee myself. You know the dick dance right? The one you used to do when you were 3 when you were getting yelled at or just got a new Nintendo cartridge.
(ed. note: I just felt like saying the word cartridge, and have a deep personal feeling that our economy is as bad as it is today because more things aren't offered in cartridge form)
So there I am, stomach cramping, girlfriend glaring at me, and Fussy Joe wearing that ear-to-ear shit-eating grin of his, and I decide to call it a night. Several things were running through my head in that instant, and I will share them with you in order of importance.
1. I drank so much beer and ate so much Chinese food on New Year's Eve the week before that I almost threw up on Duchess Von D. A repeat performance would almost certainly seal my fate into the world where my only means of gratification would be watching late-night Cinemax.
2. I had just consumed a bottle of wine, garlic and spinach pizza, and some carrots and hummus earlier that day, none of which would feel good about seeing again on both physical and psychological levels.
3. I surmised while watching her on my television, that Angelina's Jolie's lips must feel like two fleshy pillows filled with sunshine dust and rainbows. We were watching "Wanted" at the time...good flick.
4. I heard about this lady who died from Water Intoxication (See Above) in a "Hold your Wee for a Wii) contest. Maybe I should stop...
So to sum up, I gave in, and so-the-fuck-what? Twenty bucks wasn't worth the puke nor the the effort of self-gratification to Bikini Carwash 8. I'm too old for that and sadly I wasn't getting a new video game console for my effort. So until next week, this is R Von D reminding you that money makes the world go 'round and I'm broke as shit.
Urinatingly Yours,
Ron Von Don
No comments:
Post a Comment