RVonD's Brain Droppings

Having been instructed by my long-time friend Keefe to "just friggin'write something" I figured I would give you all a couple minutes of my time today and let you know what time it is.

In our conversation that eventually gave birth to this blog, I commended Keefer that his blog, The Sports Brief, was actually coming along nicely and I genuinely enjoyed his posts about sports, moreover his thoughts on the world of Mixed Martial Arts. He then scolded me for not having anything down save for a couple things over the past few months and lamented the fact the he saw the names "Fridge," "K-Rock," and "The C" on several milk cartons throughout the greater New England area.

Asking for advice, the sage-like Keefe pretty much told me to get my head out of my ass and stop trying to hit homers with every post, and simply just get something for the people to see. Well I've eaten the spoonful of wisdom, broken it down with my stomach acids, passed it through both the large and small intestines, and crapped it out, and this is what I have to show for it.

Some brain farts for you:

- Everybody who wears a cell phone on their belt should be systematically put out to pasture.

-This may be one of the greatest viral videos I have ever seen. The Russian Star Wars Kid:


-June 6th is National "Listen to Slayer Day" and I plan on taking full advantage.

-Manofest.com is quickly becoming the best site on the internet for sophomoric humor. Just take a look at this: http://manofest.com/index.php?option=com_myblog&show=20-FAT-PEOPLE-DRESSED-AS-SUPERHEROES.html&Itemid=1
An entire gallery of fat people dressed as superheroes. Just awesome. And no, none of the people in the Spider-Man costumes are me, you fuckin' dicks.

-Recently, I have been sporadically taking my prescribed medication. Those who are closest to me have noted the change in my mood. Some have voiced some concern over the fact that I become so quickly agitated, but most of the people I spend time with find it hilarious. Like when I get drunk and throw limes at the house across the street or try to hit a potato off of a golf tee.

-I will turn 28 in a month, and I have finally found an appreciation for KISS. Ironically, it was after the American Idol finale that I said "Shit, those guys ARE pretty good."

-Remember when I had that job to throw batting practice for the Pawtucket Red Sox and be a low-level scout? I really biffed that one didn't I? Thanks Boston Phoenix.

- After some time off, I am slowly regaining momentum as one of the greatest karaoke acts in the Northeast, the turning point for which came when I sang Iron Maiden in front of a room full of people and actually hit the high notes.

-I owe K-Rock twenty dollars for eating twenty dollars worth of taco bell in under an hour. Technically he won the bet, but did he really? I also plan on paying him with ten checks for 2.00

-My father is starting to look like Tom Hanks. Or Tom Hanks is starting to look like my father...seriously.

- I recently decided that I hate everything having to do with American Media. From CNN to ESPN even to celebrity Blogs, I seriously think this country is in the shitter. And the fact that everybody who lives here is completely oblivious to what is going on around them makes it even more sad. Moreover we are raising a nation of fat, mediocre, assholes with no sense of duty or loyalty to anything but McDonald's and low everyday prices. Next Stop: Serioustown...all aboard.

AND LASTLY,

-Fridge has lost so much weight that he can no longer call himself "The Fridge". Please, if you know this man and see him on the street, please refer to him as "Bobby Light" from now on.

Good night, and good luck
-Ricardo Von Dangerous

Wow...how about this? *UPDATE*

You'll watch the whole thing, I promise... because every time semen is "recycled" an internet star is born.

Couldn't resist:

RVonD's Movie Clip of the Century!

If you haven't already guessed, I fancy myself something of a movie buff.  I've seen artsy movies, classic movies, awful movies, and porn...basically my whenever somebody beholds my DVD collection, that song from the original Willy Wonka movie starts playing, you know the one.

With this collection, I have stumbled upon a formula for a great movie.  To be successful, it should include any of the following:

1. Ass-kicking.

2. Catch-phrases.

3. A sassy black protaganist.

4. Good music

5. Sex

I want to bring to your attention though that I have just seen a clip from a movie that literally made me almost rip into applause after watching it.  If you haven't heard about this movie already, I need to be the one to tell you about it.  

BEHOLD!  BLACK DYNAMITE!!!

*Note:  This movie did not come out in 1975, it's actually coming out in a few months...for real.

R Von D and the Miracle Weight Loss Pill

Once when I was little, around the age of five, my dad used this simile when talking about doing good deeds for people:

"Doing good things for people is kind of like peeing your pants in a dark suit.  Sure it gives you a nice warm feeling, but at the end of the day nobody notices."

With that in mind, I've done some good things for people and he was spot-on in his assessment.  Now, nearly twenty years later, that simile has come to fruition in the most horrific of ways.

About two weeks ago, I started taking my weight loss seriously.  I've gotten back on the P90X train and have been doing yoga,  and I even set up a makeshift gym in the basement where I cannot be mocked while trying to better myself.

In addition to working out, I decided that I'd take an additional step to ensure my weight loss.  I started taking this weight loss pill called Alli.  

The premise of this pill is that it inhibits your body from digesting saturated fats.  Now, I know some of you are skeptical about this, but let me tell you the first time I went to the lav I was just as surprised as anybody to see what I saw.  I won't get into too much detail, but let me just tell anybody who has ever blotted a piece of pizza with a napkin, that's what my wipe looked like.  

Now, as I said, the idea behind this wonder drug is that you can't eat a meal with more than fifteen grams of fat or you will experience the most horrible stomach cramps, gas, and "spotting" anybody has ever experienced.  So basically what I'm doing in order to lose weight is forcing myself to eat vegetables and low fat foods under the supposition that if I eat Wendy's and foods unhealthy for me, I will literally shit my pants.

Now, I am a person whose disposition is a dangerous combination of a total lack of concern for my well-being combined with the mindset that I know better than everybody on the planet in all matters.  So naturally, after taking one of these pills, and while watching the Bruins beat the piss out of the lowly Montreal Canadians, I decided to take part in eating pizza, buffalo wings, and drinking Miller High Life with K-Rock and the Fridge.

In my head, I was thinking yeah, this will probably result in me getting up in the middle of the night, will probably be uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but fuck it, I'm R Von D and the squirty hurts have never slowed me down.  Not once, not never.  

So I ate, drank, took part in the general merriment, and went to bed.  But I didn't wake up in the middle of the night.  Instead, I got up in the morning, went into the loo, read some Sports Illustrated articles (if you know what I mean) and jaunted off to work.

Then it happened...

While I was sitting at my desk, studying for a Federal securities examination, I thought it would be okay for me to let out a little fart while the Indian guy (Dot not Feather) was on the phone.  There was a low rumble, and a warm sensation that seemed to last way longer than it should have.  Yes, I pretty much crapped my pants.  

I stood up from my desk and had to waddle the hundred yards or so down the hallway to the bathroom.  To my delight, the spillage was not solid, and had not yet leaked through my unders and onto my suit (which is black, thank God).  So, I cleaned myself up, and having no other option, deposited my undergarments into the waste receptical therein.  

So here I sit, at the very cubicle this all started with nothing seperating my boys from the outside world but a thin layer of suit pant.  

But what have I gained from this?  What good can come of a nearly 28 year-old man crapping his pants in a professional setting?  Probably nothing other than to keep on doing what I'm doing, because it's the only way I'm going to lose any weight other than getting liposuction.  

FML,

R Von D

PS - Down 7 pounds.

I needed to post something today!

So why not this?


Mister Randy Watson!!! from TC Awards Committee on Vimeo.


SEXIAL CHOCOLATE!

RVonD

Under-Reported News Topics of the Past 15 Years

Good evening friend,

I was thinking recently about how far down the standard of greatness in journalism has fallen. Woody Paige and Jay Mariotti are the type of sportswriter that the American newspaper has to offer? Yuck. Is Keith Olbermann or Sean Hannity remotely qualified to guide the public discourse on politics? Blah.

"The News" has become a business instead of something to truly interest us of late. And I believe that in the process, some of the following stories have gone under-reported. I had originally prepared a gentlemanly even list of 5 topics, but as I've deprived the world of my glorious thoughts for several months, I figured I'd even give you a bonus item! EN-JOY!

1. Terrell Owens Really Tried to Kill Himself

This superstar athlete overdosed on a lethal dose of a prescription painkilling medication. I know if I had a bottle of something called "Hydrocodone" that I wouldn't treat them like they were M+Ms. We all remember his redemption story two weeks later and his publicist bragging about the size of Terrell's "contract." But somehow the fact that one of the biggest names in sports actually was so sad that he tried to end it all went away quickly, which makes me sad. I believe the word is schadenfraude.

2. George Steinbrenner Directly Financed the Hit on Nancy Kerrigan

In the mid 1990s, apparently Big Stein developed an interest in the US Olympic program. He donated some money to some of the lesser and unsponsored talents in events like swimming and ice skating. One of the young porn stars/athletes to whom George gave money was Tonya Harding. Ergo, George Steinbrenner paid for the pipe that Gilooley used to smash up the knee of Massachusetts' own Nancy Kerrigan. Perhaps Nancy wore a Sox hat to skating practice one day and George was unpleased with this.

3. Richard Jewell Did Not Bomb the 1996 Atlanta Olympics

In fact, this portly recluse was a volunteer during the Olympics and probably saved lives. He was not guilty of anything other than warning people to move away from what he suspected was a backpack not full of books. So no, that face that was all over the news for six months and kinda looked like a fat Kevin Youkilis did not try to ruin the Summer Games.

4. K-Rock is a National Champion of College Athletics

Local Rugby team in Plymouth, NH competed in and won the Division III National Championship in the Spring of 2008. Local celebrities K-Rock and Hambone were contributing and senior members of this team. How this was not national news is beyond the Pen 15 Club's belief.

5. Nomar Garciaparra was NOT Implicated in the Mitchell Report:

(see above photo)

6. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" Was the Number One Movie in America for TWO Consecutive Weeks

Interesting to see how far the cinematic standard has fallen in this country that this turd could rule the box office for not one but two weeks. I guess the movie industry might as well just give up to the Buzzsaw that is Kevin James.

Fear not loyal reader. In the coming weeks and months, I will be re-dedicated to providing you with reading to distract you from your dull lives.

Please think of the environment and print 50 copies of this blog post and douse them all with gasoline and set on fire in a crowded and already polluted South American city slum while driving a gas-guzzling SUV and not recycling your Poland Springs water bottle.

XOXO

The Fridge

This Guy is the F'ing Balls!

...Just sayin'