I hate all of you now.

You may have had zero to do with this, but all of you let this happen.

Let me tell you a story about a man named Billy Tubbs.

Mr. Tubbs was a basketball coach at Oklahoma in the 1980's and a total badass.

During one game, his team scored 97 points in the first half of a fucking game, and then went on to win 173-101. When some reporter had the balls to accuse him of running up the score in a college basketball game, you know what this dude said?

"If they don't like it, they should GET BETTER."

Boom. End of story.

Now I have to hear about shit like this:



This poor goddamn kid has enough to worry about with a name like Demias Jimerson, and now you're going to let this kid play the game he loves to the best of his ability because we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Seriously, fuck all of you. I'm done with this.

I'm tired of this goddamn country being just okay. What happened to learning lessons through failure? What happened to getting up every time you fall? Now kids can't even do that because pussy parents don't let them fall. All they want to do is organize play dates and mold kids into little assholes.

And remember what Uncle Von D always says: If everybody is special, nobody is special, you fucking soft-headed moron.

Go shit in your hat,

Von D

Your Kid Doesn't Need Adderall, He Needs His Ass Kicked

An apology in advance:

This is going to sound a little preachy.

In my line of work, the required summer reading can be a little tedious. I just read something having to do with how we teach today's child, and what approaches successful teachers take in order to ensure that all of their students receive the same level of experience. Totally unfeasible and not realistic. Then they make me read this piece of garbage called "Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men." Long title right? Well this is broken down into chapters that my idiot male mind can easily comprehend. Here are the factors for you.

1. The Change in Education Itself

2. Characteristics of Modern Life

3. Video games.

4. Medications

5. what this dipshit calls "The Revenge of the Forsaken Gods" aka boys aren't becoming men because they have no real men to look up to.

So instead of what I would usually do and go through these one by one, I will make kind of my blanket sentiment for all of these things. Ready? Here you go: Boys are pussies today because they are raised by pussies. Boys have no sense of responsibility because they have no consequences and no idea what duty is. I was sitting with my buddy Gregoire the other night and we were talking about this twitter personality he follows. We had some good laughs at the person's twitter handle "PeanutFreeMom" and I even laughed out loud at some of the purposefully passive-aggressive nonsense that this person was spewing. Here's an example:
 
Caleb's soccer game ended in a tie. Thank goodness. Self esteem is extremely important in his 'formative years'.

Now I know what funny is, and that's pretty funny, but in the back of my mind it occurred to me that I find this funny because I know these fucking people, and they are EVERYWHERE. As a teacher, I know this is the case. In my head, people have become so backwardly offensive that I am at my wits end. And I'm saying this because I know I'm going to have to go to work tomorrow and discuss this book with a bunch of bleeding heart teachers who, God bless them, really mean well but coddle this goddamn kids so much they never think they do anything wrong. There are differences between people, some are better at school, some are better at sports, some are meant for a life of white-collar crime, and some kids are just going to get arrested slipping a mickey into girls drinks at a bar. What I'm saying is what Judge Smails said in Caddyshack: "The world needs ditch diggers too." Get over it, you raised a shitty kid. Which brings me to my second point:

Video games are not the issue. Plain and simple. GIVING the kid a video game just because he wants it is the issue. Television is not the issue. LETTING your kid sit inside and watch hours of television is the problem. Laziness is only a problem when it's allowed. And I'm not saying to go the other way like some other parents, signing your kid up for so many commitments that he can't make a single one without being late or burned out. I'm all for rewarding children, but rewarding them because they earned it, not to shut them up.

Let me take a break for a second. I know what you're thinking right now: This is easy for you to say, you don't have any kids. Well let me tell you this, dear reader. As a high school teacher, adviser, and coach I spend more time with the kids than 70% of the parents do on a weekly basis. That's a goddamn fact. Do the math. If I see your kid from 7:30 am until 6:30 pm five days a week, that's a grand total of 55 hours. Say the kid gets home at 7:00, goes to bed at 10:00, then gets up at 7:00am, that's a whopping 17.5 hours you've spent with your kid. You got a lot of work to do if you want to catch up to me on the weekend. And no, I'm not exaggerating my hours here. Bottom line is this: buying your kids off so they don't complain to you is not parenting. Do a better job. Make your kids earn their money and whatever good things they want. They will be more resilient in the long run and be more appreciative for the things they have. Oh yeah, to hammer it home even further, there are at least two kids in my school's lower school (K-4) that have iPhones. Seen it with my own eyes.

Here's another question. Who is the last person you've seen on television that is incredibly wealthy, successful, well-adjusted, and has some sort of talent? More that 90% of the young people emulate absolute cunts who have endless amounts of money and fame just by being cunts. Why would a kid think he needs to work hard for anything? All they have to do is either binge drink, do a lot of drugs, get hit in the balls with something, have zero accountability for anything they do, and just repeat that until they are dead or nobody cares anymore. I have just given you a synopsis of every single goddamn thing MTV programming brings to the table.

I'm sorry again for getting on my high horse here, but this is something I'm passionate enough to care about. I literally see this every single day I'm around kids. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for letting things get this bad. And truth be told, I just needed to get this out of my system before the "book club" meeting tomorrow where I would have totally blown my stack at somebody who wanted to talk about plastic, the president, the economy, dodge ball, vaccinations, and whatever else they can blame their shitty kids on. Last thought: Kids today have an inflated sense of entitlement for one reason: They have nothing to be afraid of. When I was growing up, I was scared to death of my parents. I knew if I fucked up, my mother was going to let me know what I did wrong, and ask me how I was planning on righting my wrong. That, or my father was going to kick the shit out of me. I don't know what I was more scared of, but believe this: I was scared of something. I owed it to my parents to be the person they wanted me to be. In hindsight, they did everything for me, and I had a duty to my family to be the best person I could be. Last thing I ever wanted was for people to look at me and, because of my actions, take the piss out of my family, my school, my team, or my friends. I realized from a very young age that my actions had consequences, good and bad, and I had to own up to whichever came my way. I wasn't scared that I might die, I was scared of living with the wrong I did. And most of the time that is worse. Teach your fucking kids some accountability and let them fight their own battles, you morons.

Okay I'm done now, I got it out of my system.

Oh yeah, and I think this blog is as high and mighty as it is because I have grown an epic gunslinger mustache and am full of piss and vinegar lately.

You're all on notice,

Von D

RVonD Vs. Z-Day: An Action Plan

Things have been brought to my attention lately.

I have recently moved to Charlestown, MA. and live beneath my good friend Fantastic Dan. Along with being one of my best friends, Fantastic Dan also rules because he is OBSESSED with things like old-style tattoos and the end of the world. So, in between getting inked up, he is constantly devising ways to survive the end of the world, which to him, will occur on 12/12/12.

So, in the back of my mind, I've been thinking about what I would do should that happen. I mean, if the world explodes, I'm just gonna say "welp...shit" and die like the rest of yous. But, should something else happen, I need to be prepared. And yes, I'm talking about zombies here.

So I'd run through scenarios in my head, and to be honest, I think I have it down. My wife, Lady Von D has been made aware of the plan and she is on board. I thought I was ready, but now there is more urgency than before.

Today, C-zanne and her harem of gal pals made me aware of this new thing that is sweeping the nation: brain-eating amoebas that are taking over fresh water supplies in the South. The first thing that popped into my head: "This is how it starts. Z-Day is coming." How can you learn about brain eating organisms without thinking zombies? It's all too silver screen to ignore. Here is the article if you're interested:

http://www.wtsp.com/news/article/206352/250/Brain-eating-amoeba-rare-but-deadly-How-to-stay-safe

It's time to get ready homies. So let the D tell you how to get ready...


EQUIPMENT:

First and foremost, you're gonna have to get geared up. Now, if you're thinking where to get as many guns as you can, you're already up the undead creek. Trust me, you're wasting your time for the most part.

Fistly, if you watch enough movies, you automatically think everybody hits what they are aiming at all the time. I will tell you first hand that this is not the case. It is my guess that 90% of you could not hit the center of a paper target twenty yards in front of you. Bear in mind, this is taking your time, going through all the breathing techniques, proper trigger squeeze, correct sighting, etc. Now, let's make that target move quickly, and instill in you a huge sense of danger. Also mind you, if you are an inch right left up or down, you're going to miss completely at that distance. I'm not shitting you. More than that, this is also taking into consideration that you know how to load, sight, clean, and maintain firearms, which takes some sort of training. Basically if you have a handgun and think you're gonna run shit, you're not. Plain and simple.

However, true believer, there is a solution...and very recently a mass-produced solution.

Firstly, if you insist on having some sort of ranged weapon, go shotgun. You don't have to be insanely accurate, it's easy to load, and you just kinda hip shoot...the old spray and pray with the scattergun. Another reason I am weary of gunfire though should be pretty obvious: Noise. The last thing you want when dealing with ravenous undead are more ravenous undead. But if you're gonna use something to make a statement, make sure it looks like this:



(note the pistol grip for better handling and side ammo mount)

So what do you get first? How about two of these things?



Who said Bear Grylls was good for nothing? yes, for 30 bucks at Dick's Sporting Goods you can get one of those bad larrys and start hacking off limbs. Quick, quiet, and painful. If you're not convinced, here is this thing in action:



Oh yeah, and they don't mention in this video, but it comes with survival stuff with it, which could help you out in a pinch. I'm all over that.

WHERE TO GO:

Obviously, I'm staying out of major cities or other densely populated areas; that's a no-brainer. I mean, if it's not then you deserve to be eaten. But where do you go? Who do you go with? What do you bring with you?

Well, I don't know what the hell you're doing, but I'm taking my wife, and that's it. If you're traveling with more than 3 other people you're fucked. There's inevitably going to be somebody who slows you down and gets your throat ripped out, that's just numbers in my book. I haven't decided whether to take my dog and cat. More mouths to feed for little payoff aside from companionship. But where to go?

Unlike all of you, I already have this worked out. My boy Booski literally has a fortress in Hollis, NH that you can't see from the street. It's chalk full of weapons, tools, cars, power, and is walking distance from sustainable food like corn fields and such.

Speaking of that, if you think you're going to go stock up on canned goods and water and all that nonsense, I would mention that despite thoughts to the contrary, all that shit does have a shelf-life, and in order to get any kind of sustainability, you're going to have to start growing your own food. I look forward to eating ground vegetables and corn the rest of my life. Healthier that way right? If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die skinny right? So instead of going to walmart and supermarkets, I'm going to home depot and the library to get books on farming. Trust me, I'll last longer than you.

ONCE YOU'RE SETTLED IN:

If you've followed my plan and get yourself set up, what then? I think the natural tendency would be to move around and find other survivors. I'm not going to do that. I'll have my little group and we will procreate and procreate and procreate until I've raised my own army. By the time the food starts to get scarce, the kids will be old enough to learn how to take care of our little compound, more workers = more farmhands = more food. Simple math in my head. Oh yeah, and if you plan on showing up to my fortress, you better bring something to the table. Don't bring your sick and wounded buddy, 'cause I'm gonna sink a machete in the back of his head. We don't do useless in the camp.

The only thing I HAVEN'T settled on yet is a tribe name. I toyed with calling my people the Mandalorians or the Children of Mandalore. Yeah, a little nerdy to name your people after an obscure sect of the Star Wars mythology, but whatever. Pretty badass, but I'm not married to it or anything. And just so you all know, Boba Fett was a Mandalorian, so there.

So that's all I can think of for now, and just remember when you're huddled around a fire and some bard is singing songs of my exploits, just remember the shit's probably all true...except for the number of girls I made women out of. Multiply that by three to get a more accurate number. I can already tell they're going to get that wrong.

Anything else you wanna know, send comments and questions my way. I'll leave you with an artist rendition of my exploits as a zombie killer. More wine, ladies?

Wow, I'm finding some doozies today, boy.

The only thing this video is missing is some cats crushed under piles of VHS video tapes. Seriously, what toilet did this C.H.U.D. crawl out of?

Seriously, this will never get old for me...

This may be in the running for the worst movie ever, but this was pure movie gold. Seriously, gets me every single goddamn time.

GAHHHHHHH! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

God knows I'm not the most PC person in the world, and the Baroness works with spinal injury and brain injury victims all the time, but that doesn't stop me from being more than a little disturbed by this flow, no matter how dope it is:

Membership: TERMINATED. Stick it up your ass, Netflix!

Seriously, how big of a jackass do you have to be to get me to cancel one of the best things I had going for me in my life?

I woke up to the news a few days ago that Netflix has decided to go forward with price changes in their service. Now, I might hear you say, "Well, that's just the cost of doing business, why can't you just pay the separate charges for streaming and blu-ray discs?"

Well, I'll tell you why.

See to me, what Netflix had going for them was that it was incredibly easy to use, the people you corresponded with were always nice (either through email and telephone), and for the most part, shit worked flawlessly. Then this happened:

"We knew there would be some people who would be upset," said company spokesman Steve Swasey. "To most people, it's a latte or two."

Seriously buddy, go fuck yourself. I wanna know how many people in this country aside from women and yuppie fucks like you actually drink lattes. Not to mention the fact that who is drinking a goddamn six dollar latte? I'm cool with my $2.50 Dunks, thanks.

To make matters worse:

The Hollywood Reporter asked Hastings (CEO, mind you) whether he was "concerned that American Netflix subscribers will look north and ask for the same discount Canadians get at $7.99?"

Hastings' reply (with a dig at Americans): "How much has it been your experience that Americans follow what happens in the world? It's something we'll monitor, but Americans are somewhat self-absorbed."

That did it for me, and hopefully for all of you as well. I can't justify giving my money to somebody who would go to Canada and basically call me a self-absorbed American asshole. And you know what? So what if I am, but I'm not going to let some snotty latte sucking asshole call me that in a press conference.

Oh, and by the way, Netflix as a company is worth 10.2 billion dollars. It's clear to me that they need more of my money. So from all of me to all of you, Netflix: GFY.


Love and kisses,

RVD