The Pen Fifteen Club

I hate all of you now.

2011-10-02T19:22:00.002-04:00

You may have had zero to do with this, but all of you let this happen.

Let me tell you a story about a man named Billy Tubbs.

Mr. Tubbs was a basketball coach at Oklahoma in the 1980's and a total badass.

During one game, his team scored 97 points in the first half of a fucking game, and then went on to win 173-101. When some reporter had the balls to accuse him of running up the score in a college basketball game, you know what this dude said?

"If they don't like it, they should GET BETTER."

Boom. End of story.

Now I have to hear about shit like this:

This poor goddamn kid has enough to worry about with a name like Demias Jimerson, and now you're going to let this kid play the game he loves to the best of his ability because we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Seriously, fuck all of you. I'm done with this.

I'm tired of this goddamn country being just okay. What happened to learning lessons through failure? What happened to getting up every time you fall? Now kids can't even do that because pussy parents don't let them fall. All they want to do is organize play dates and mold kids into little assholes.

And remember what Uncle Von D always says: If everybody is special, nobody is special, you fucking soft-headed moron.

Go shit in your hat,

Von D

Your Kid Doesn't Need Adderall, He Needs His Ass Kicked

2011-09-06T14:28:00.000-04:00

An apology in advance:

This is going to sound a little preachy.

In my line of work, the required summer reading can be a little tedious. I just read something having to do with how we teach today's child, and what approaches successful teachers take in order to ensure that all of their students receive the same level of experience. Totally unfeasible and not realistic. Then they make me read this piece of garbage called "Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men." Long title right? Well this is broken down into chapters that my idiot male mind can easily comprehend. Here are the factors for you.

1. The Change in Education Itself

2. Characteristics of Modern Life

3. Video games.

4. Medications

5. what this dipshit calls "The Revenge of the Forsaken Gods" aka boys aren't becoming men because they have no real men to look up to.

So instead of what I would usually do and go through these one by one, I will make kind of my blanket sentiment for all of these things. Ready? Here you go:Boys are pussies today because they are raised by pussies. Boys have no sense of responsibility because they have no consequences and no idea what duty is.I was sitting with my buddy Gregoire the other night and we were talking about this twitter personality he follows. We had some good laughs at the person's twitter handle "PeanutFreeMom" and I even laughed out loud at some of the purposefully passive-aggressive nonsense that this person was spewing. Here's an example:

Caleb's soccer game ended in a tie. Thank goodness. Self esteem is extremely important in his 'formative years'.

Now I know what funny is, and that's pretty funny, but in the back of my mind it occurred to me that I find this funny because I know these fucking people, and they are EVERYWHERE. As a teacher, I know this is the case. In my head, people have become so backwardly offensive that I am at my wits end. And I'm saying this because I know I'm going to have to go to work tomorrow and discuss this book with a bunch of bleeding heart teachers who, God bless them, really mean well but coddle this goddamn kids so much they never think they do anything wrong. There are differences between people, some are better at school, some are better at sports, some are meant for a life of white-collar crime, and some kids are just going to get arrested slipping a mickey into girls drinks at a bar. What I'm saying is what Judge Smails said in Caddyshack: "The world needs ditch diggers too." Get over it, you raised a shitty kid. Which brings me to my second point:

Video games are not the issue. Plain and simple. GIVING the kid a video game just because he wants it is the issue. Television is not the issue. LETTING your kid sit inside and watch hours of television is the problem. Laziness is only a problem when it's allowed. And I'm not saying to go the other way like some other parents, signing your kid up for so many commitments that he can't make a single one without being late or burned out. I'm all for rewarding children, but rewarding them because they earned it, not to shut them up.

Let me take a break for a second. I know what you're thinking right now: This is easy for you to say, you don't have any kids. Well let me tell you this, dear reader. As a high school teacher, adviser, and coach I spend more time with the kids than 70% of the parents do on a weekly basis. That's a goddamn fact. Do the math. If I see your kid from 7:30 am until 6:30 pm five days a week, that's a grand total of 55 hours. Say the kid gets home at 7:00, goes to bed at 10:00, then gets up at 7:00am, that's a whopping 17.5 hours you've spent with your kid. You got a lot of work to do if you want to catch up to me on the weekend. And no, I'm not exaggerating my hours here.Bottom line is this: buying your kids off so they don't complain to you is not parenting. Do a better job. Make your kids earn their money and whatever good things they want. They will be more resilient in the long run and be more appreciative for the things they have. Oh yeah, to hammer it home even further, there are at least two kids in my school's lower school (K-4) that have iPhones. Seen it with my own eyes.

Here's another question. Who is the last person you've seen on television that is incredibly wealthy, successful, well-adjusted, and has some sort of talent? More that 90% of the young people emulate absolute cunts who have endless amounts of money and fame just by being cunts. Why would a kid think he needs to work hard for anything? All they have to do is either binge drink, do a lot of drugs, get hit in the balls with something, have zero accountability for anything they do, and just repeat that until they are dead or nobody cares anymore. I have just given you a synopsis of every single goddamn thing MTV programming brings to the table.

I'm sorry again for getting on my high horse here, but this is something I'm passionate enough to care about. I literally see this every single day I'm around kids. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for letting things get this bad. And truth be told, I just needed to get this out of my system before the "book club" meeting tomorrow where I would have totally blown my stack at somebody who wanted to talk about plastic, the president, the economy, dodge ball, vaccinations, and whatever else they can blame their shitty kids on. Last thought: Kids today have an inflated sense of entitlement for one reason: They have nothing to be afraid of. When I was growing up, I was scared to death of my parents. I knew if I fucked up, my mother was going to let me know what I did wrong, and ask me how I was planning on righting my wrong. That, or my father was going to kick the shit out of me. I don't know what I was more scared of, but believe this: I was scared of something. I owed it to my parents to be the person they wanted me to be. In hindsight, they did everything for me, and I had a duty to my family to be the best person I could be. Last thing I ever wanted was for people to look at me and, because of my actions, take the piss out of my family, my school, my team, or my friends. I realized from a very young age that my actions had consequences, good and bad, and I had to own up to whichever came my way. I wasn't scared that I might die, I was scared of living with the wrong I did. And most of the time that is worse. Teach your fucking kids some accountability and let them fight their own battles, you morons.

Okay I'm done now, I got it out of my system.

Oh yeah, and I think this blog is as high and mighty as it is because I have grown an epic gunslinger mustache and am full of piss and vinegar lately.

You're all on notice,

Von D

RVonD Vs. Z-Day: An Action Plan

2011-08-18T11:32:00.004-04:00

Things have been brought to my attention lately.

I have recently moved to Charlestown, MA. and live beneath my good friend Fantastic Dan. Along with being one of my best friends, Fantastic Dan also rules because he is OBSESSED with things like old-style tattoos and the end of the world. So, in between getting inked up, he is constantly devising ways to survive the end of the world, which to him, will occur on 12/12/12.

So, in the back of my mind, I've been thinking about what I would do should that happen. I mean, if the world explodes, I'm just gonna say "welp...shit" and die like the rest of yous. But, should something else happen, I need to be prepared. And yes, I'm talking about zombies here.

So I'd run through scenarios in my head, and to be honest, I think I have it down. My wife, Lady Von D has been made aware of the plan and she is on board. I thought I was ready, but now there is more urgency than before.

Today, C-zanne and her harem of gal pals made me aware of this new thing that is sweeping the nation: brain-eating amoebas that are taking over fresh water supplies in the South. The first thing that popped into my head: "This is how it starts. Z-Day is coming." How can you learn about brain eating organisms without thinking zombies? It's all too silver screen to ignore. Here is the article if you're interested:

http://www.wtsp.com/news/article/206352/250/Brain-eating-amoeba-rare-but-deadly-How-to-stay-safe

It's time to get ready homies. So let the D tell you how to get ready...

EQUIPMENT:

First and foremost, you're gonna have to get geared up. Now, if you're thinking where to get as many guns as you can, you're already up the undead creek. Trust me, you're wasting your time for the most part.

Fistly, if you watch enough movies, you automatically think everybody hits what they are aiming at all the time. I will tell you first hand that this is not the case. It is my guess that 90% of you could not hit the center of a paper target twenty yards in front of you. Bear in mind, this is taking your time, going through all the breathing techniques, proper trigger squeeze, correct sighting, etc. Now, let's make that target move quickly, and instill in you a huge sense of danger. Also mind you, if you are an inch right left up or down, you're going to miss completely at that distance. I'm not shitting you. More than that, this is also taking into consideration that you know how to load, sight, clean, and maintain firearms, which takes some sort of training. Basically if you have a handgun and think you're gonna run shit, you're not. Plain and simple.

However, true believer, there is a solution...and very recently a mass-produced solution.

Firstly, if you insist on having some sort of ranged weapon, go shotgun. You don't have to be insanely accurate, it's easy to load, and you just kinda hip shoot...the old spray and pray with the scattergun. Another reason I am weary of gunfire though should be pretty obvious: Noise. The last thing you want when dealing with ravenous undead are more ravenous undead. But if you're gonna use something to make a statement, make sure it looks like this:

(note the pistol grip for better handling and side ammo mount)

So what do you get first? How about two of these things?

Who said Bear Grylls was good for nothing? yes, for 30 bucks at Dick's Sporting Goods you can get one of those bad larrys and start hacking off limbs. Quick, quiet, and painful. If you're not convinced, here is this thing in action:

Oh yeah, and they don't mention in this video, but it comes with survival stuff with it, which could help you out in a pinch. I'm all over that.

WHERE TO GO:

Obviously, I'm staying out of major cities or other densely populated areas; that's a no-brainer. I mean, if it's not then you deserve to be eaten. But where do you go? Who do you go with? What do you bring with you?

Well, I don't know what the hell you're doing, but I'm taking my wife, and that's it. If you're traveling with more than 3 other people you're fucked. There's inevitably going to be somebody who slows you down and gets your throat ripped out, that's just numbers in my book. I haven't decided whether to take my dog and cat. More mouths to feed for little payoff aside from companionship. But where to go?

Unlike all of you, I already have this worked out. My boy Booski literally has a fortress in Hollis, NH that you can't see from the street. It's chalk full of weapons, tools, cars, power, and is walking distance from sustainable food like corn fields and such.

Speaking of that, if you think you're going to go stock up on canned goods and water and all that nonsense, I would mention that despite thoughts to the contrary, all that shit does have a shelf-life, and in order to get any kind of sustainability, you're going to have to start growing your own food. I look forward to eating ground vegetables and corn the rest of my life. Healthier that way right? If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die skinny right? So instead of going to walmart and supermarkets, I'm going to home depot and the library to get books on farming. Trust me, I'll last longer than you.

ONCE YOU'RE SETTLED IN:

If you've followed my plan and get yourself set up, what then? I think the natural tendency would be to move around and find other survivors. I'm not going to do that. I'll have my little group and we will procreate and procreate and procreate until I've raised my own army. By the time the food starts to get scarce, the kids will be old enough to learn how to take care of our little compound, more workers = more farmhands = more food. Simple math in my head. Oh yeah, and if you plan on showing up to my fortress, you better bring something to the table. Don't bring your sick and wounded buddy, 'cause I'm gonna sink a machete in the back of his head. We don't do useless in the camp.

The only thing I HAVEN'T settled on yet is a tribe name. I toyed with calling my people the Mandalorians or the Children of Mandalore. Yeah, a little nerdy to name your people after an obscure sect of the Star Wars mythology, but whatever. Pretty badass, but I'm not married to it or anything. And just so you all know, Boba Fett was a Mandalorian, so there.

So that's all I can think of for now, and just remember when you're huddled around a fire and some bard is singing songs of my exploits, just remember the shit's probably all true...except for the number of girls I made women out of. Multiply that by three to get a more accurate number. I can already tell they're going to get that wrong.

Anything else you wanna know, send comments and questions my way. I'll leave you with an artist rendition of my exploits as a zombie killer. More wine, ladies?

Wow, I'm finding some doozies today, boy.

2011-08-05T17:58:00.003-04:00

The only thing this video is missing is some cats crushed under piles of VHS video tapes. Seriously, what toilet did this C.H.U.D. crawl out of?

Seriously, this will never get old for me...

2011-08-05T17:20:00.003-04:00

This may be in the running for the worst movie ever, but this was pure movie gold. Seriously, gets me every single goddamn time.

GAHHHHHHH! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

2011-08-05T16:24:00.003-04:00

God knows I'm not the most PC person in the world, and the Baroness works with spinal injury and brain injury victims all the time, but that doesn't stop me from being more than a little disturbed by this flow, no matter how dope it is:

Membership: TERMINATED. Stick it up your ass, Netflix!

2011-08-02T07:43:00.003-04:00

Seriously, how big of a jackass do you have to be to get me to cancel one of the best things I had going for me in my life?

I woke up to the news a few days ago that Netflix has decided to go forward with price changes in their service. Now, I might hear you say, "Well, that's just the cost of doing business, why can't you just pay the separate charges for streaming and blu-ray discs?"

Well, I'll tell you why.

See to me, what Netflix had going for them was that it was incredibly easy to use, the people you corresponded with were always nice (either through email and telephone), and for the most part, shit worked flawlessly. Then this happened:

"We knew there would be some people who would be upset," said company spokesman Steve Swasey. "To most people, it's a latte or two."

Seriously buddy, go fuck yourself. I wanna know how many people in this country aside from women and yuppie fucks like you actually drink lattes. Not to mention the fact that who is drinking a goddamn six dollar latte? I'm cool with my $2.50 Dunks, thanks.

To make matters worse:

The Hollywood Reporter asked Hastings (CEO, mind you) whether he was "concerned that American Netflix subscribers will look north and ask for the same discount Canadians get at $7.99?"

Hastings' reply (with a dig at Americans): "How much has it been your experience that Americans follow what happens in the world? It's something we'll monitor, but Americans are somewhat self-absorbed."

That did it for me, and hopefully for all of you as well. I can't justify giving my money to somebody who would go to Canada and basically call me a self-absorbed American asshole. And you know what? So what if I am, but I'm not going to let some snotty latte sucking asshole call me that in a press conference.

Oh, and by the way, Netflix as a company is worth 10.2 billion dollars. It's clear to me that they need more of my money. So from all of me to all of you, Netflix: GFY.

Love and kisses,

RVD

Can I Get an Encore?

2011-07-28T18:30:00.002-04:00

So there I was, gchatting my afternoon away when a dear friend of mine asked me out of the blue why Los Hermanos Fantasticos (RVonD and the Fridge) had not been blogging anymore. Sure, we were way ahead of our time. We were so good, in fact, that shit just got too boring for us. There I was posting awesome videos and commenting on them, then Daniel Tosh went and fucked me over with his stupid show.

INTERLUDE: True story, I saw him live last week and he readily admitted that what he does for a living was the result of pure luck, and that it requires no talent to stand in front of a green screen and read what other people wrote (Looking right at YOU as well, Joel McHale).

ANYWAY,

Shit has gone down in the past year or so. Like, some serious shit. First and foremost you should know, both The Fridge and I now have females we LEGALLY have to answer to (read: Married). I'm back mocking children for a living, and Fridge has even more responsibility at his job with no raise in pay. I also have a mustache.

Moreover, In my talks with C-zanne I asked her what could a married, 30-year-old have to say that is in any way as funny as a miserable 25-year-old single asshole living in the middle of nowhere. After some soul searching, it occurred to me that shit is always going to be whack, people are always going to piss me off, the internet is a vast cavern much like the universe, and webcams are now more readily available to the lowest common denominator.

I am going to make every effort to see that this blog lives fat and happy. I probably need to do this now more than you need to read it, but screw it. I got nothing to do for the next week or so, God only knows what I'm going to be posting on here, but it is my hope that you dig it hard. Just because I'm now middle-aged now, that shouldn't mean that I need to go soft.

Let's Rage,

RVonD

PHASE 2: ENGAGE!

2011-02-17T10:42:00.003-05:00

Hello true believers,

I figured the five week update was well overdue, so here we go.

Over the past few days I've been killing myself with this diet. To take it a step further, there have been days over the course of this experience where I literally wanted to kill myself. Take last night for example:

It is common practice for any high school sport team on the road to stop for dinner at the most convenient fast food place. Last night, I sat on a bus, feeling sick because for whatever reason, I can't deal with the smell of diesel fuel, and ate a dry salad with dry tuna while my entire team (coaches included) filtered back onto the bus with bags of Wendy's, Subway, and whatever else I couldn't eat. Most of the time I just consider food to be fuel. When you convince yourself that food is meant to sustain life and not taste good, you can pretty much convince yourself to eat anything when operating in a diet vacuum.

It's only when the good stuff enters your atmosphere that you start to realize what pain you are going through. Still, even with the temptation and madness, I still find myself at the end of five weeks sitting at 217 pounds. For those of you keeping track at home, that's down 22 lbs. in five weeks. Not a bad start.

And so begins Phase 2: Becoming Superhuman

The craziest thing I've dealt with in this entire process is I have yet to do an ounce of any exercise. I think part of the reason I failed in the past was because I didn't yield any real quantitative success right off the bat when I worked out as well as dieted. And I think what always hampered any amount of success I've ever had in the weight room is that I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Working glamour muscles (ie: chest, arms, shoulders, etc) never got me much but a bit of bulk on top of a hill made out of butter and shame. And when I did have some guidance under the tutelage of John Duncan, the best I did for him was kill myself at the gym then go home and eat like shit. So I have myself to blame for that one.

yet, the time has come to put the rest of this plan into action and hopefully be under 200 lbs for the first time in ten years before June 1st. Hopefully with the core exercise and continued diet, the rest of this mess will come right off. Even if it's hard than I expect, at least I've shed "the gobbler" under my chin. Now I just need hockey season to end so I can get on a regular gym schedule.

Oh yeah, and I am going to crush some awful food this Saturday for my long weekend. I've been watching "Epic Meal Time" on YouTube all week in preparation. Let's roll.

Egg whits and protein shakes,

R Von D

Week's 3 and 4: Back in the saddle

2011-01-30T14:27:00.003-05:00

It's working.

Over the past couple of weeks I've seen distinct changes in my face. And when I say "distinct changes" I mean more prominent features. Who would have thought I was capable of having a jaw line made out of bone instead of a fleshy turkey-neck-type deal.

One thing I've taken to doing to make this go a lot better is I stopped preparing breakfast, so to speak. I figured the most important part of the process of breakfast was egg whites. I typically have a small cup of coffee with breakfast, which has helped me along as a chaser as I down two huge gobs of egg whites straight from the carton. All the protein without having to deal with something that has the smell and texture of hardened cat vomit (my personal approximation, cannot be confirmed).

So Saturday (my normal cheat day), after swallowing a good portion of egg whites, I took to the stars, consuming nearly 4,000 calories before noon with a trip to Dunkin Donuts and Burger King before my 1 o'clock hockey game. I was rolling. Bloated, nearly sick, but rolling. I'd be interested to learn about the endorphins released when I consume food I crave. Seriously why does it take shitty food to make me feel that good? Anyway, from there I had a dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. There I had ribs, pork loin, mashed potatoes, three glasses of wine, a beer, and then to top it off, some baked Alaskan. For a night cap, I had three beers, three jack and gingers, and some good conversation. Now for the best part:

While I was hanging out with some friends, I felt the need to go into the bathroom and check the damage of the day. I got weighed in on Tuesday, and much to my surprise, I weighed in at 224 lbs. Stupidly, I did not weigh myself in at the start of this diet, but my best approximation was that I had shed anywhere from 8-12 pounds. So after a day of consuming endless amounts of calories, I stepped on the scale, fully clothed except for shoes, took a deep breath, and looked down.

218.

I drunkenly burst from the bathroom demanding to know whether the scale in the bathroom was accurate. I was unconvincingly assured that the scale was accurate. So, even after a day of binging, I am still losing weight. To date, were are somewhere between 14-20 lbs in only four weeks work. I'm well on my way to being under 200 lbs by summer.

Bad news, I woke up today hungover but whatever. Nothing a burrito bowl couldn't fix. Until next time, hos.

Egg whites and black beans,
RVonD

4-Hour Body Week 2

2011-01-11T10:23:00.003-05:00

For whatever reason this week I am full of piss and vinegar. I think there is some sort of hump that I need to get over for my body to get used to what I'm putting in it. I think it's like "fat kid DTs" or something.

I did experience some mild headaches in the beginning of the week (Sunday into Monday) but I think it was from a lack of water. I severely cut back on my almost two gallon a day habit and just need to get in the routine of having water on me at all times. Although, teaching an hour and a half lesson on gerunds and gerundives with a bladder the size of a canteloupe isn't nearly as fun as you'd think.

I did, however, receive an inspiring email from a dear friend and one of my biggest critics.

I've been following your blog as of late, congrats on sticking with the diet so far. Regarding Egg Whites, you will learn to love them, as you should anything that goes by the name All Whites.

In my days of self hate, I found that salsa (or anything spicy) was the best flavor additive, specifically corn and black bean. Give it a go.

Luckily for my main man here, I have been adding some organic salsa with very little sugar to these putrid fucking things. My wife almost gagged when I pulled a container of microwaved egg whites out and started eating it as fast as I could. The salsa helps, along with the added Brocolli florets for at least SOMETHING with some crunch to it instead of things that have the consistency of snot.

But as always, my humble reader, we endeavor to persevere, and I assure you that by beach season, RVonD 2.0 will be unleashed onto the world. My wife has already started studying up on Fillipino knife-weilding classes, so stay away from me bitches. I'm a one-horse kind of cowboy.

CHEAT DAY! A Running blog of binge eating

2011-01-08T14:29:00.003-05:00

I made it, week and a half of all protein, all vegetables, nothing bad for me, and I finally get rewarded today. Just to give you a running blog, I will tell you all of the things I am eating, creeping ever closer to nausea.

7:30 AM - Wake up, two glasses of ice water on empty stomach.

8:10 AM - Vega Green meal replacement shake (30g Protein, enough vitamins to choke a goat)*

[Proctored SSATs - Drank half gallon of water]

12:30 PM- Glass of grapefruit juice, spoonful of all-natural peanut butter

12:45 PM- Three "Buck Doubles" from Burger King

1:45 PM - Glass of monkey-picked oolong tea, spoonful of peanut butter, followed by forty "air squats" in the kitchen while my wife entertained her mother and sisters.

2:45 - Garlic parmesan fries, mozzarella and pepperoni pizza, diet coke

4:00 - Nap

5:14 - Poo

7:00 - Get the word I am going out tonight, decide it best to stay away from large quantities of food and decide to drink my dinner, since it is the only day that I can.

9:00-1:45 - Six beers consumed of varying flavors.

2:00 - Bed.

Calorie count: Buck Doubles = 410 calories x 3 = 1230 calories
Pizza with pepperoni = 290 calories per slice x4 = 1160 calories
One pound of French fries = 400 calories (based on estimate) = 400 calories
Peanut butter = 94 calories per tbsp x 2 = 188 Calories
Beer = Miller Lite = 96 x 4 / Winter Lager = 190 x 2 = 764 calories

All for a grand total of 3,742 calories.

Not the grand total I wanted, but needless to say I was quite engorged by the time I was done. I plan on taking more in next Saturday when I hit up some more fast food establishments.

Week 1 Almost In the Can, Bitch!

2011-01-06T09:16:00.002-05:00

I did it.

This Four Hour Body diet is now officially the longest diet I've stuck to in my entire life. Five days. I seriously feel like a drug addict who finally got through the DTs. How you like me now? I got another interesting tidbit for you readers out there too: Guess who else got on board with me...Mr. Fridgerino himself. Apparently he started breathing a little heavy in his soon-to-be-wife's face during sleepy time and scared her. So I'm trying to get him to tag team this bitch with me.

So, my week consisted these highlights:

Egg Whites - Seriously, are egg whites made from cat vomit? How bad can one thing taste? I've tried mixing this shit with everything and all the time I get the taste of concentrated shit. I know they are good for me, I know it is necessary to consume endless amounts of protein, but what the fuck? Can we find something better than this?

MEAT! - Love it. I can't eat enough beef and chicken over here. I feel like a caveman most days, but what I'm finding is the more protein I have coursing through my body, the more aware of my surroundings. Now I know why some animals eat this exclusively, I'm getting down to my base self here and love the primal nature.

Cold Showers - While I've done this before in order to stave off sexual desire, I now use this to ramp up my fat loss and I can't get enough of it. It's like a fight to the death between my mind and my body for dominance. My body wants to run away, my mind wants to stick it out and take all comers. Try it, you'll love it. Make anything a competition and I'm all for it. Like the white, out-of-shape, and less-talented Michael Jordan.

This Saturday marks my one week and my first ever binge day. I've already made a list of things I am going to eat and I assure you that the closet fat kid in me is going to go absolutely insane. Seriously, what if Betty Ford told alcoholics and heroin addicts that they had one day a week to go shithouse? Most of them would be dead by now. I swear to Christ I might eat a human being if it's available. Just make sure you keep your hands and feet away from my mouth.

FOR YOUR HEALTH!

RVonD

Guess Who's Back, Dipshits!!

2011-01-02T11:39:00.002-05:00

Okay, so a lot has happened.

For anybody who has kept up with us over the past year or two, you know some major things have transpired.

Myself, Mr. Von D, have made an honest woman out of my girlfriend, and am now a responsible married man, no longer allowed to eat awful things for money. As for the Fridge, he somehow managed to find a nice young lady to call his own and is getting married in the spring. THose are the two most major changes I can think of.

More than that though, I have had about seven jobs in the past couple of years, but now I'm back doing what I do best; Standing in front of a classroom full of teenagers and making fun of them. This time though, I'm back on familiar turf, so the world is my oyster. Except for one minor detail.

I had an epiphany the other day. A lot of this blog chronicles me and my friends doing stupid things, just being your normal twenty somethings who are just trying to make a buck and not get any more calls from debt collection people. I must note at this point that Fridge has never had this problem, and is the most fiscally responsible person I've ever met. Anyway, the one thing that escaped my grasp was always my physical health.

I used to be an athlete. A pretty good one, actually. Not that anybody who has met me in the past 8 or 9 years would know that, but it's true. And even though this is the case, I feel as though I've made excuse after excuse to "let myself go." Even getting married wasn't really enough to get myself back into shape. Even with the help of the best trainer New England had to offer, I still had one obstacle I couldn't get over, my diet.

I tried different workouts, different fad diets, all the things I could in order to get my ass in gear, but you know one thing about getting advice is that nobody takes it. Ever. I needed something that made sense.

Enter Timothy Ferriss.

Too keep this brief, I'll just tell you that what Ferriss offered me was something that made sense to me. I needed to get out of the mold of what I had heard before. It's easy to tell somebody to eat healthy, to tell somebody that instead of eating this, you should eat this. Instead of doing this exercise, do this exercise. But what Tim offered me was something that made sense to me. Here are some reasons why.

1) He hates making breakfast.
2) He thinks outside the "calorie in, calorie out" theory that has dominated every fitness magazine.
3) I get one day a week where I can eat whatever the fuck I want and not feel bad about it.

So, here is my attempt to get my shit back together. I've started my "Lose 30 Before 30" campaign as of today, and you get a front row seat, bitches. Six months of no nonsense chronicling of my journey through TIm Ferriss' "Four Hour Body" book. Hopefully I can show you some success this time. Let's roll...

Slainte,

RVonD

Oh yeah, in an effort to give you the TMI factor, I've started my diet today and have already taken three poops. It's not even noon. So there you go.

Fridge's Only Contribution To This Blog In A Year and a Half

2010-05-26T08:49:00.002-04:00

I was sitting at the kitchen table today, having coffee and an english muffin, and talking to my main homie the Fridge. Naturally, the King of the Internet's duties are never over, so I was casually surfing the web when a link popped up from El Frigedaire himself. Please view:

http://deadspin.com/5545674/the-public-humiliation-diet-a-how+to?skyline=true&s=i

Now, normally I would say this was an insult to me, but if you read the article, it is probably the best diet I could ever think of doing. Get a scale, weigh yourself, and then post it for the world to see. Yes, at the beginning people will think you're a fat prick (more like people will think I'M a fat prick), but like drinking and masturbation; the more you do it, the less people seem to care. That's my experience anyway.

Thank you Fridge for showing us all the light.

Fried eggs and bacon,

R Von D

Seriously, What Is Wrong With You?

2010-05-25T11:32:00.002-04:00

To quote Al Czervik, "now I know why tigers eat their young."

Seriously, if one of these idiots was my kid I'd beat the stupidity out of him, piss on everything he owned, then tell him I was just marking my territory because I bought all that shit. I just don't understand the idiocy that is today's youth. What makes a child want to act like a werewolf. I mean, granted we've all been there. I remember wanting to be a werewolf or a dracula...when I was fucking six. Grow up you goddamn crybabies, you're not a supernatural being, you're a pussbag crybaby who wears colored contacts because you suck at sports. Must be tough to stay out for a full moon on a school night. And it's good to know that if I ever want to hunt werewolves, all I have to do is set up my silver bullets and rifles next to Chik-Fil-A in the fucking Food Court. Thank God for school uniforms.

God damn,

R Von D

If I Were Auditioning People For a Band:

2010-05-22T13:39:00.001-04:00

...This kid is in. Hands Down. No question.

The World Is Now A Better Place For All!

2010-03-30T23:02:00.002-04:00

The stars are aligning my dear ones. I think this spring/summer is going to be the best of my life, and here is the proof.

Bo knows video games!

RVonD

FRIDAY!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

2010-03-05T09:39:00.002-05:00

What is this movie? Where do I buy it? Why wasn't I told about this?

-D

More Adventures With My Grandmother...

2010-03-04T09:55:00.002-05:00

I moved back home. Yes, the illustrious R Von D is a "boomerang kid." I needed to save money for my impending nuptials. Frig off.

So naturally, I've had the chance to spend a good amount of time with my lovely Nana. You may have read the last post that centered around her, so some of you may or may not already be privy to this one-of-a-kind gem. And while she is still the larger-than-life geriatric, things have changed a bit...she thinks she's dying.

Yes, we have moved on from simply complaining about inane things like the price of oranges, to full on acceptance of death's cruel embrace. Let me walk you through how this whole thing unfolded.

About a month ago, my mother had her knee replaced. This came with things like in-house physical and occupational therapy, a walker, and later a cane. And God bless my mother, she never complained, never wanted any help, and basically was a saint about the whole thing. Then, about two weeks ago, in the throws of my mother's recovery, my grandmother fell in the driveway coming home from "beeno"...or to the lay person "bingo." Now, I understand that an 83-year-old woman falling on a drive way in the winter is a pretty scary thing. And to be honest, we were all concerned a bit, but the next day she was walking around fine and was even laughing about her spill.

Now, over the last couple of weeks, Nana has progressed from "oh, I'm fine, dear" to "I'm ready to go." Inexplicably, we went from laughing about her fall, to:
"I think I have a black and blue,"
to "I think something is broken,"
to "I need to go the the emergency room RIGHT NOW...but I don't want Judy to drive me because of her knee, and I dont' want to be a bother, I'll just call an ambulance...but if you or your father don't mind driving me, that would be fine...I just don't want to be a bother."

Amazing.

So, she comes back from the doctor and the diagnosis was "a pinched nerve..maybe." No cracks, no breaks, not even a visible bruise. Just some discomfort for the normal person. I will now tell you that I went the next three days not seeing my grandmother even though we live in the same house. Because walking up the stairs is "just too much" for her. I DID, however, get to go to the drug store and get her stool softener and other medications though. That was great picking that up. Now, you may be wondering why I brought up my mother's knee replacement earlier. Well, dear reader, Nangus has utilized all of my mother's walking aides, including her cane AND her walker, because things are just getting to be too much for her to walk around the basement. And any attempt by my mother to explain to her that she's fine and that she's "just feeling sorry for herself" (MY MOTHER'S WORDS...NOT MINE!!) are met with "Well, I guess I'll just go to 'the home.'"

I will go on record and tell you that I love this woman. My siblings and I seriously feel that she is the female Keith Richards and cannot be killed by conventional weaponry. The Queen Mother of Guilt will forever go on muttering about death and pain, and I can't wait to see what she has my mother send me out for next. Hopefully diapers.

Oh, just in case you were wondering what one does all day down when you're near death, can't poop, and can't drive. My dear grandmother, who has been pretending to be an invalid the past week is, no word of a lie, currently at the hair dresser. Because if the Grim Reaper comes a knockin', you better have well-quaffed old-lady hair.

Prunes and plums,
R Von D

Happy Friday, FARTKNOCKERS!!!

2010-02-26T08:52:00.000-05:00

57 Seconds of Abuse

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Sketch Groups | Funny Animations

You can't make this stuff up!

2010-02-18T14:01:00.003-05:00

Extry, EXTRY!! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!

Gay, Mentally Challenged Biracial Man Claims Sexual Discrimination! And his actual name is Benjamin Grundy

...No seriously.

Way to go New Hampshire...

2010-02-17T17:28:00.002-05:00

Dear Nancy Elliot,

I bet the entire internet is coming up with tons of things they want to "wiggle around in your excriment."

603 4 LIFE BITCHES!!!!

RVonD

Why Not?

2010-01-29T12:37:00.001-05:00

We're on a roll lately, so what the hell...

The Greatest Photobomb of all Time Feat. Fridge

2010-01-29T09:40:00.004-05:00

Fridge showed me this today and I almost spit coffee all over my monitor. I don't think anybody in the world is blessed with the gift to photobomb a picture like this.

BEHOLD!

Unreal

RVD

OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG!!!

2010-01-28T22:02:00.002-05:00

TWO THINGS:

1) I demand that somebody buy me each of these pairs of Adidas Originals (Link below video)

2) If you don't want to buy me sneakers, you can buy me a Daft Punk helmet, because those guys are cool.

http://www.starwars.com/vault/collecting/news20091208/

May the force be with you,
D

Hey Asia, WTF?!

2010-01-28T15:07:00.003-05:00

I'm an American, I think that in our time writing on this site, we have made that perfectly clear. And since I was born a United States citizen, I have a few inherited characteristics. I am good at eating food, playing video games, and beating people up.

Many of you have read my expose on the oddities of Indian culture (dots, not feathers), and I wanted to follow that up with a journey to the far east. Like I said, being an American comes with certain traits, but for the life of me, I can't figure Asian people out. Whether Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, or anything else, it never ceases to amaze me how good these people are at the most useless things. Takeru Kobayashi ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes. Who the hell would even think to attempt something like that. There was a kid I taught when I was teaching at a summer school who couldn't speak a word of english but could do the most miraculous things with a bic pen. Here are some more examples on just how asinine these talents are. Just watch these and think of the amount of practice any of this shit took, and how much time you could save by simply not doing them. Having said that, I know that typically Asians are much more efficient than us Americans, and probably mastered these skills in 1/3 the time it would take me, but that's still way too much.

5. Contact Juggling: All I picture is how cool I thought David Bowie was in the movie "Labyrinth" only to find out that he wasn't ACTUALLY doing this. Unreal.

4. Beatboxing: Here I am thinking this is as American as apple pie. Little did I know some Japanese kid named Daichi comes along and does something like this. Whatever to this kid. I bet he sucks at football.

3. Folding Laundry: Come on...

2. Getting undressed: I actually did this the first time my fiancee asked if I wanted to have sex. She wasn't impressed, but then again I'm not Asian.

1. Whatever the hell this is: Again, this serves no purpose whatsoever but I want to learn how to do it. Also, I just want to have a slew of Asian girls follow me around just so when I do stupid stuff they can giggle like the girls in this video.

Asian Chick's Awesome Hand Ninja - Watch more Funny Videos

Fuckin' people,
R Von D

Just When I Though The Internet Was Starting To Bore Me...

2010-01-20T11:35:00.003-05:00

...You give me this. Well played, Cyberspace, well played.

As many of you know, I have a softspot in my heart for certain things. Here is an unfinished list of all the things I love in this world.

- Fat People in ill-fitting sweatsuits
- Male camel toe
- Lisps
- Epic Rat Tails
- Samurai philosophy and culture

So what did I come across today? Something so beautiful, so inspiring, so genuinely mesmerizing, that I sat in my cube and wept at the sight. It is my priviledge, as well as my distinct honor to present to you...Phillip.

Peace in yo' crease,

RVonD

HOLY EFFING ESS!

2010-01-11T18:29:00.002-05:00

Thanks for giving your brains to our country, lads.

Epic Wheel Of Fortune Fail - Watch more Funny Videos

R Von D's Top 5 Albums In His High School Collection

2009-12-21T18:24:00.004-05:00

If you saw my facebook post today, you would have seen that I did some driving today, about 4 hours when said and done, and while I didn't have anybody with me, I just so happened to have my CD case from high school on board. To be honest, I have not had that much fun in a car since...well, don't worry about that. But along the way, I began to think of what I would pick, TODAY, as the best albums in that collection. And here is what I've come up with:

5. "Grace" - Jeff Buckley

High Point: "Last Goodbye," "Lover, You Should Have Come Over," "Grace"

Low Point: "Lilac Wine"

Consensus: This would have been higher on the list, but the "Nirvana Complex" creeped into my head. Would this album be AS GOOD today if Jeff Buckley were still alive? And I came to the consensus that it would be an 8 out of 10. Really good, but not something I would play for my kids. Still, from front to back this is a SOLID album from a truly gifted talent.

4. "Toxicity" - System of a Down

High Point: "Aerials"

Low Point: "Pogo"

Consensus: This came out in my senior year in high school. Admittedly, I didn't really "get" this band until that point. So much so that my roommate in school, Rich, would play the song "Spiders" by SOAD just to annoy me. It wasn't until this album though that I finally got it. With Rick Rubin at the helm, this album is like a goddamn hammer to the face from the very first note in "Prison Song." As for the low point, "Pogo" is just one of those songs where you wish they didn't write it. I'm sure the pogo stick in the song is a metaphor for something, but I never had any interest in finding out what it was. But in the end, the entire album culminates with "Aerials," which I consider to be the bands best song. Think of any fight scene in a Zack Snyder movie: It's incredibly brutal, but the slow motion, then fast, then slow, almost make it something beautiful to watch. That's what this song is like, brutal and beautiful all at the same time. I seriously can't listen to it just once, I always feel like I missed something awesome while listening to something else in the same song. If I ever have the chance to choreograph a fight scene in a movie, it would be set to "Aerials" ...seriously how kick-ass would that be?

3. "S.C.I.E.N.C.E." - Incubus

High Point: "Idiot Box" "Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song)"

Low Point: "The Magic Medicine"

Consensus: Sure, I think "Morning View" is the band's crowning achievement, but A) That came out when I was in college, and B) This was the bands last "hard" album so to speak, which I miss out of them. I would say that the strength of this album comes when the band sticks to it's nature and merely plays that funk/rock thing they have all but forgotten how to do in today's world. Where it falls flat is when they get trapped in the rap/metal bullshit that killed so many other bands. I never really saw them as that type of band, and you shouldn't either. And that's probably a reason they fired DJ Lyfe after this one because who wants children's books dubbed over drum loops? That shit is stupid, and not the good "stoopid" like black people say.

2. "Traveling Without Moving" - Jamiroquai

High Point: "Alright"

Low Point: "Didjerama" "Didjital Vibrations"

Consensus: I damn near wore this album out in my jeep and it still holds up for me today. I can't begin to tell you how happy this album makes me. And, this is a bit of a stretch because it's not ACTUALLY in my actual collection, for it was stolen. BUT, I have the rest of the band's records and this one happens to be my favorite. Forget for a second that "Virtual Insanity" was on this album and it STILL kicks ass. A girl I really should have dated in high school wrote the lyrics to "Alright," knowing I was a huge fan, as a love note to me and I didn't do anything about it...shame on me. The only pitfall of any Jamiroquai album though is that frontman Jay Kay always seems to get a little self-indulgent at times (so much so in fact that bassist Stuart Zender sighted it as a reason he left the band after this album). On this album, it's the two back-to-back didjeridoo solo tracks that really doesn't fit in anywhere. Oh well, skip those and enjoy the funk.

1. "OK Computer" - Radiohead

Low Point: "The Tourist"

High Point: The whole album

Consenus: My parents talk all the time about the first time they heard/saw the Beatles and how crazy it was. I remember vividly the first time I head this Radiohead album. The story goes I was reading a Rolling Stone article where artists picked their favorite albums of the year. And Dave Matthews, of all people, picked this as his favorite album of the year. Sadly, DMB was my favorite group of the time, so I figured if "DAVE!!" liked it, I might give it a shot. I remember getting in the car, putting it on, and really not understanding what I was hearing. My brother made me turn it off and put on Sublime or some nonsense arguing with me that this was not the same band that did "Creep." But at home, I decided I would give it another go, so I put it in my personal CD player with some high-quality headphones. THAT, my dear reader, is when I got it. If you don't have this album, or haven't listened to it in ten years, I recommend that you do so immediately. I'm older and wiser now, and this album is even better than it was when I was 16. Oh, and the only reason "The Tourist" is the low point of the album is because it's the last song.

So that's it. The albums I spent listening to in high school still, for the most part, hold up today which again proves my point that I have better musical taste than 99% of you people. Oh, and if you dare tell me that "Pinkerton" by Weezer should be on this list or any other nonsense like Blink-182, I hate you. People like "Pinkerton" because it's like a little secret Weezer fans pride themselves on knowing about and pop-punk Blink-182, despite having Travis Barker in the band, is for dipshits.

Peacefrogs!

R Von D

RVonD Internet Picks of the Week: Hip-Hop Edition

2009-12-07T18:00:00.004-05:00

Without inundating you with too much background information, I'll just say that there isn't anything better in my mind than somebody who tries to rap and simply sucks at it. Here are some clips from around the web.

Boostalk:
The video stinks, but all I wanna know is what kind of shenanigans did he have to pull to get that girl to agree to be in the video:

Eli Porter:
This kid is a legend, absolute gold.

Simply titled "Worst Rap Battle Ever":
AND HOW!! ...and you're gay.

Bangs - "Take You To Da Movies":
This is great, I didn't know one could roll their Rs whilst saying the word "Shorty." Big up, Sudan!

Shane Lee Beatboxing:
I don't see Rahzel or Scratch from the Roots spitting all over themselves this badly. Love it though.

An Actual Email I Received Today

2009-10-07T20:55:00.002-04:00

This is awesome. I can't even begin to explain it:

Andrew Munaweera
to me

show details 4:50 PM (4 hours ago)

Sorry us if you not R Von D,

YOUR FRIEND HAS INFORMED US THAT YOU LOVE A NUDISM, THEREFORE WE INVITE TO VISIT OUR SITE.

Check your account please:
http://bofa76.org.uk/video

Seriously, how awesome is that?

Somebody Needs to Die For This:

2009-10-06T15:17:00.001-04:00

I fucking hate everybody...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=138481452060

This Is Why Our Society Sucks: Video Evidence

2009-09-30T17:41:00.004-04:00

I'll admit, I gave this a chance. There were some good meedlies to kick this one off, but the emo haircuts, v-cut tshirts, skinny jeans, pussy lyrics, and at the 2:45 mark...the real kicker proved to be too much. Watch or skip ahead to find out.

And yes, these idiots are dead serious...
RVonD

I Seriously Can't Stop Watching This...

2009-09-30T17:31:00.001-04:00

I've seen a lot of internets, but I swear I absolutely love this for so many reasons and had to share it with you all. Watch it once to see, watch it again for good measure, then try not to laugh your ass off the third time:

An Incomplete List of Shitty Music That Stupid People Like

2009-09-21T15:54:00.003-04:00

Throughout my history as an adult human being, I have been labeled a number of things: Dick, asshole, Know-it-all Asshole, Movie Buff, and most notably Music Snob. In my life, I had the honor of being the son of a mid-to-late 70's Disc Jockey, and had a musical upbringing that should be envied by all of you. While you were listening to Raffy, Peter Paul and Mary, and other bullshit I was listening to Chicago, Supertramp, The Allman Brothers, The Police, The Beatles, and Stevie Wonder. So, to say I have a keener ear for good music than most is a phenomenal understatement. Still, on a daily basis I run into retards who think they know what good music should sound like. Here is a list of bands that you should stay away from if you ever want me to take you seriously.

1. RASCAL FLATS / KENNY CHESNEY
Now, if you know anything about me, you'll know that I'm VERY down on most country music. There is some good stuff out there, I'll be the first to admit that, but you will never hear these two "artists" in that category. As for Rascal Flats, I see them as the country equivalent to the Backstreet Boys and the front runners of the "cuntry" craze in this country. Last I checked, real cowboys don't frost their tips and wear affliction shirts OR make millions of dollars singing somebody else's songs. In the same vein, real cowboys don't sing about Pina Coladas, the beach, or flip flops. What happened to just singing about whiskey, guns, punching women in the mouth, and everything else that makes America awesome.

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Lucero, Shooter Jennings

2. BLINK 182
How are you going to go ga-ga over a band that the MEMBERS don't really want to be in? Travis Barker is pretty awesome and kicks the shit out of any drum set he touches. Tom DeLonge did some good solo work with Angels and Airwaves. And Mark Hoppus is just a silly goose. Seperate they are good, together it's just pop-punk garbage. You know why they sing songs about parents getting divorced and farts? Because that's what you buy, you dolt. Probably the worst reunion tour on the road right now. And for the record, any "punk" music that girls like is total fucking garbage. That's just industry standard. Just look at Green Day. That song "Know Your Enemy" might be the worst song I've ever heard.

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Turbonegro, Arctic Monkeys

3. JIMMY BUFFETT
Admittedly, I grew up listening to this and mildly enjoyed it. My father sings and plays guitar in bars and is always inundated with requests to play this stuff. Basically anything Kenny Chesney and Toby Keith do is a cheap imitation of Jimmy Buffett, except he was kind of the first one to do it. Also, it isn't really the music that gets me with Ol' Jim, it's the fans. I've never seen a bigger douchefest in my life than one of these shows. It seems to me that these concerts are just about showing up in beach gear and getting hammered. Which wouldn't be so bad, but why not just go to the beach and get hammered? Why does baby-boomer-folk-rock have to be involved? Couldn't you just put the two hundred bucks you spent on a concert ticket towards a cooler, some Miller Lites, and maybe an ounce of weed? For the record, this group is the same people who tell me with a straight face that Bob Dylan "puts on an AWESOME show, dude."

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Donavon Frankenreiter

4. U2
This is probably going to ruffle some feathers, and I made mention of this on my facebook page today, but you really need to wake up. U2's "Joshua Tree" was one of the best albums ever. Probably goes in my Top 10, but after the song "Mysterious Ways" off "Achtung Baby" they really haven't done anything. The issue I have with that is they've actually gotten worse as a band...SIGNIFICANTLY worse and so has their listeners. In that song "Vertigo" Bono actually counts in Spanish "1-2-3-14" and nobody said boo about it. You might say that it really doesn't matter, but I say it's an indication as you as a listener. It's one thing to suck in one language, but two? The world already has Ricky Martin, we don't need U2 doing shit like that. The point is though, that the worse U2 got, the more popular they've become. Now you can't get a ticket to this show, and I will bet dollars to donuts they don't play "Bullet The Blue Sky."

LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD: Muse, Kings of Leon, The Kooks

So take it from your favorite music snob. There is always better music to be listening to, and you should seek it out with reckless abandon. It's the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. Try it out, go on iTunes, spend about an hour and a half and check out the "Listeners Also Bought:" feature. About three clicks in and I bet you hear some awesome band you've never heard before and can probably see in a small club for ten dollars. Bottom line, smarten up, retard.

Squeedlie-deedlies and meedlie-meedlies,

RVonD

PS - if you don't have at least one entire "concept album" in your library, you're doing yourself a horrible disservice. So if you've never heard a Rush, Coheed and Cambria, or the first Mars Volta album "De-loused in the Comatorium", remedy this as soon as possible, you idiot.

"JESUS, NO!!": A Retrospective

2009-09-17T10:00:00.011-04:00

For those of you not in the know, the Fridge sustained a horrifying ankle injury while playing slow-pitch softball the other day. On his way down to the ground after stepping on an irrigation hatch, the Large One exclaimed "Jesus, No!" Little did the Fridge know, but well before his arrival on this planet, this fateful phrase was used, throughout the annals of time, whenever the shit hit the proverbial fan. Some examples:

ENEMIES OF THE FRIDGE

2009-07-22T22:16:00.005-04:00

There are a lot of people, places, and things out in this cruel world that I define as my enemies. I am a simple creature, and I rarely feel neutral about issues. I enjoy this because there is no “grey-area” for confusion in my life. The following is a list of just a select few of the things in the world that are out there to inhibit my progress toward that lofty, yet simple goal of happiness. Early returns of my 25 full years on earth indicate that eventually reaching this goal is doubtful.

ENEMY 1 - Humidity - I fucking hate it. I can stand heat. I really can. I hate that stupid phrase "it's not the heat, it's the humidity," because it's so stupid but true. I went to Phoenix in June two years ago and I (extremely) legitimately thought about never coming home. It was gorgeous and comfortable, yet my fears of flying, change and commitment probably will lead to me not leaving the Metro West suburbs of Boston until I'm deceased. I hate the way that my testicles spread out like bat wings and stick to the insides of my thighs on humid days. I hate the way I cannot stop sweating. I hate paying for air conditioning. I like the months of March and November. I also enjoy time spent in the Freezer aisle at the grocery store.

ENEMY 2 - Low Flush Capacity Toilets - I am a large man, with exquisite dining tastes and classy eating habits. However, to say I may gorge or overindulge on occassion would be also accurate. Too many members of the exclusive club called friends and family are currently living in homes that were constructed in the era just after World War 2. Funny enough, many landlords/homeowners have seen no need to purchase a new toilet since 1950. Don't they understand that the average fatso in America today is consuming a combination of protein shakes, cheap ale, burritos, steak tips and late night chinese food on a weekly basis? The shit monster from Dogma was the 4th roommate at my college apartment. I really have become a pro at plunging of late, though. Luckily, no incidents at the new residence. Yet. In turn, I have really been letting them fly at the office. The day I clog an industrial strength commercial toilet will be the day I light off firecrackers and throw a parade for myself. Yay Fridge!

ENEMY 3 - K-Rock - This stupid dick has been a pain in my ass since I was 2 years old and he was born. True story, when he was 2 and I was 4 he bit me square on the toucas and took out a chunk of flesh. Ever since then, he's basically always been better at sports and more athletic than I have. Whenever I am successful at anything, like having a job and money, he one ups me by winning a National Championship in a manly sport like rugby. In other news, I played tennis in high school. He hits home runs or flies out to left field every at bat during softball games. I generally ground out to the shortstop and then sulk. Luckily, he's a really lousy drunk and probably won't have any long term success or friends.

ENEMY 4 - Starbucks (Non) Rainbow Cookies - Simpleton. That's me. When I buy a cookie called "rainbow," I assume and have come to know from past experience that I am going to have red, blue, green, orange and brown M+M's. Recently, Starbucks started skimping on the first three colors and all of their cookies have been brown and orange M+M-laden. For some reason, these cookies have also been causing the runs . Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm a fat mess and need to stop eating cookies and drinking lattes every day.

ENEMY 5 - Fenway Park - Tiniest fucking seats ever. Good to know that R Von D's Uncle "Jockey" and extended family are the only people in America that fit in the stupid place. I am not obese or ridiculously tall. I am probably an average sized white male. I cannot possibly be expected to sit in that shithole for a 4 inning game. Awful. If I ever hear the phrase "Lyric Little Bandbox" again, I'm going to hold Peter Gammons hostage. The urinals are trough style in some areas, with no barriers in between. Last time I was at a game it was in April and it was like 45 degrees out and raining. Shrinkage had occurred. But the gentleman using the facilities next to me had no problem looking down at my privates, laughing and barking out "I guess you could call that a dick" at me while I was trying to finish urinating. I went back to my seat in shame and paid $9.50 for another Natural Light disguised as Bud Light. Yum.

ENEMY 6 - Activities Requiring a Steady Hand - Driving, Texting, Pouring from a Pitcher in Public Places. "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!" I always make a fool of myself in front of everyone and my only retort is "K-Rock has it worse."

ENEMY 7 - Crowded Bathrooms - I get stage fright. That's my problem. I always try to go for the stall, if it's available. I am usually safe and can get the stream going in there. However, some of my bathroom companions might get confused by a gentleman of my stature taking a standy pee in a stall. I always fear the retribution and ridicule when I step back out through the stall door. Option two is to stand at a urinal for the normal 35-50 seconds, fake like I'm peeing and then walk back to my seat at the bar, restaurant or sporting contest I am attending. I don't want to let the other gents in the bathroom know that I have this horrible, embarassing problem. Even worse, I get back to my seat and I still have to pee like the dickens. I have no idea what my problem is. I was never violated by any authority figures in my life. I don't think I have abnormal bathroom activities compared to any other 26 year old men, though I do enjoy removing all my clothes and taking nice nudy poops on occasion.

ENEMY 8 - The Sun - Damn my pale complexion. I usually get a ridiculous, epic sunburns once a year where I have to bathe in Cocoa Butter and my skin itches for three days. The only known fixes for this are: -drinking a score of Miller Chills and sleeping in an air conditioned hotel room in Virginia Beach -wrapping oneself in swaddling clothes and laying in the den to watch movies and The View at the Dump Lounge -placing a plastic lawn chair in the shallow end of my parents' swimming pool and sitting in the chlorine for an entire day. I think Schonda Schilling is going to assassinate me.

ENEMY 9 - Standard Sized Hats - "Seven and three quarters" have got to be the most depressing four words ever spoken inside of a Lids. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just ask you to check out a rash on my homeless friend's hamstrings to see if it is potentially communicable through toilet seats and bus stop benches? No. I asked you to move the ladder, climb three steps up, and tell me if the god damned Cincinatti Reds hat is available in my size or not. Frig off.

ENEMY 10 - Uncooperative Karaoke Audiences - I have not only been a victim to this personally, see Kelly Clarkson "Breakaway," but I have also seen two other occasions of horrifyingly unreceptive audiences to two great karaoke performances. RVD's sensual version of "I Need You Tonight" by INXS was met with crickets and whispers of "I wonder if he uses a noose when he pulls on it," by a Grand Buffet crowd one summer evening in Nashua. K-Rock's epic cover of "Magic Man' by Heart was met with boos and projectile vomit by the attendees of the Lea Family Graduation Extravaganza. Perhaps they didn't approve of a karaoke song that featured a seven minute guitar interlude. My major problem with uncooperative audiences is their ease of criticism. If you don't have the ballsac to get up in front of a few friends and a few dozen strangers and let your singing do your talking, then I think you should leave your critical priveleges at the front door. Besides, I'm there to entertain, and I don't take it too seriously...right. Taking it too seriously would involve driving from Exit 4 to Exit 7 in Nashua at 12:35 just because DJ Dougie Tazer might let you sing the last song to close the place down.

Other potential enemies included: President Obama's Assault on the American Dream and Taxpayer, and Predatory Annuity Sales Practices. I figured that my explanations for these would end up coming across in a sobering, conservative and serious tone and those blog entries are better left to my great friend R Von Angry.

With Liberty and Hatred for All,
The Fridge

BONUS ENEMY: Michael Bay Movies - I love to hate them. Transformers 2 was basically a flaming bag of turd. The worst part about Michael Bay movies is the fact that he finds a way to work green flares and slow sweeping low angle camera shots of the hero/heroine into every single movie. The best part about Michael Bay movies is that they usually involve an air conditioned movie theater on a hot summer day and a shitload of popcorn and explosions. And sometimes Megan Fox. I like the way she's put together.

Unoriginality in the "Film" Industry

2009-07-17T16:27:00.004-04:00

A few Friday thoughts before your weekend. It's humid as shit again and my balls have been stuck to my leg for 2 days. Ugh. Lucky for you that isn't the topic of today's discussion.
There are too many Seth Rogen movies. I can't even keep them all straight. I'm the kind of douche who quotes movies (of all genres) every five minutes and annoys the crap out of everyone who hasn't seen the film being referenced.
That said, I can't remember for the life of me in which movie Seth Rogen compares the movies "Armaggedon and Deep Impact." Regardless, that quote got me thinking about how many times two movies have come out within a few months of each other and are basically the exact same thing. Here are a few thoughts on such films.

Dante's Peak and Volcano
1. Dante's Peak - James Bond and Sarah Connor save a small town in a red state from an exploding volcano. I think this and Mike Myers' Studio 54 played together on a double feature at a drive in where a mass suicide took place.
2. Volcano - Tommy Lee Jones saves Los Angeles from an underground volcano by using only his crusty old mind and jersey barriers. Little known fact, this movie was originally about ethnic cleansing and TLJ used the jersey barriers to divert the lava into Compton instead of into the Pacific Ocean. Apparently it didn't do well with test audiences.

National Treasure and Knowing
1. National Treasure - Nicholas Cage has a knack for figuring out secrets of American History through archaeology.
2. Knowing - Nicholas Cage has a knack for figuring out secrets of American History AND the future through mathematics. Rumor has it they filmed these movies at the same time, though neither archaeology nor mathematics can explain Nicholas Cage's haircut.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Jack
1. CC of BB - Brad Pitt ages normally, starts as an old man.
2. Jack - Robin Williams ages extra fast, starts as a young boy.
(I realize these movies came out 15 years apart and really have nothing to do with one another, but something smells fishy here. Something ain't right. Someone ripped off someone. Luckily only one of these films had Robin Williams hairy ass knuckles. Ugh, another Seth Rogen reference. That guy is overexposed more than the Dropkick Murphys.)

Paul Blart and Observe and Report
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - The King of Queens rides a Segway, hijinks ensue.
2. Observe and Report - Old Friend Seth Rogen somehow gets Anna Faris away from stalking your humble author to film a 90 minute film that is the same thing as Paul Blart minus the Segway but plus an "R" Rating.

The Illusionist and The Prestige
1. Illusionist - Fight Club with Magic.
2. Prestige - Batman Begins with Magic.

Push and Jumper
1. Push - The Human Torch from Fantastic Four now has the ability to do the aadooooooken thing from Street Fighter. And someone made a whole movie out of it.
2. Jumper - Anakin Skywalker apparently has the ability to jump from one place on the planet to another whenever he feels like it. I bet RVD wished he could jump from his cubicle to the bathroom immediately and without effort, but unfortunately he can't and unfortunately this led to an "accident" and him having to trash a pair of undies at work. In other news, these two movies were the film equivalent of a pair of soiled underpants.

Any others I missed? Hit the comment section.

Have a sexy weekend,
Fridge Bo Bandy

RVonD's Worst (read "Best") Idol Performances From Around the World (UPDATE)

2009-07-14T09:27:00.006-04:00

It's not secret to anybody who knows me that I'm a huge fan of American Idol. And, yes, I think Middle-America totally screwed Adam Lambert and I think Kris Allen will be homeless by the end of 2011, but I digress.

As much as I like American Idol, I also despise "America's Got Talent." It's basically American Idol with magic and no age limit. And if you say anything to me about the chicken catcher guy I'll fucking kill you. My father has been playing that Garth Brooks song in bars since I was a little kid, and he does it way better. Just because the guy is an unemployed farmhand doesn't make him the next Randy Travis. Maybe he should be looking for work instead of warbling on a stage with a cheap guitar.

Now, since I miss Idol so much, I would like to give you a retrospective of the best auditions I have ever seen from around the Idol world, not just American Idol. Please to enjoy, because everybody loves a spot of high-functioning autism in the morning:

5. William Hung - Yes old, yes played out, but I can remember EXACTLY where I was when I saw this and what drink came flying out of my nose. Totally set the stage for Idol reject fame.

4. "Ken Lee" - Now, I don't know who this broad is or where she comes from, but this is one of the funnier female performances I've seen.

3. German Death Metal Idol - A newcomer to the scene, I just saw this clip today. And yes, if I haven't seen it, it's new...for I have seen all internets. I love how hardass the kid is one minute, then panic-stricken and finally turning into a totally insecure puss-bag. I bet all black metal singers are like this.

2. This guy - Wow...

1. Ryan Hart - So, why is this my #1? Two reasons, one because the kid sucks. Two, because he obviously tried out for American Idol because he thought he was good and a hardass, and once rejected you can see that he puts up this front like I can totally hear him telling his friends that he "totally didn't give a shit and that it was just a joke. I mean, did you see their conformist faces? I totally freaked them out, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan." Then he went in his room and wrote in his "Nightmare before Christmas" journal about how nobody understands him and they'll all be sorry when he's dead. You're not "unique and different," you're just like the millions of other kids who think they're unique and different. Nobody is going to be sad when you're dead, and nobody is going to your funeral and cry, because nobody will be surprised. Get a job.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

James Lewis - This was just awesome. I love when honest, kind, sincere people just get laughed at and shamed. Eddie Vedder? Really? And who the hell is Paul Robison? I seriously thought this kid was deaf when I heard him. He sounds like Marley Matlin on a record playing at the wrong speed.

Nick Zitzman - The kid's name is Nick Zitzman, and he's a software engineer from Utah. You get it...

UPDATE: One of our dear readers was good enough to pass this along to me. I think we have a new winner!!

Very much on key,

Ricky

Toilet Humor

2009-07-01T17:11:00.003-04:00

An interesting thing happened at work today when I went to the restroom around 10:30 to urinate. To set the scene of this restroom, there are 2 sinks, 2 urinals, and then 3 stalls (1 handicapped.) My company leases space on all 4 floors of our building, however we do share the 4th floor with an IT consulting company. Therefore, we share the 4th floor restroom with the "other" company. A few of my coworkers and I have noticed several questionable items from the other company. First, at least a third of "The Others" walk with a limp. Second, another third do not wash their hands after using the john. Third, the last third have an inexplicable need to use the cell phone while in the shared restroom.

Today's incident involved your humble author and one of The Others' cell phone use. I waltzed into the restroom prepared to unleash a large batch of asparagus pee on the second urinal. Much to my chagrin, I was barely able to get the stream going before the sound of business conversation/negotiation was berating my ears from the middle stall. This goon was conducting legitimate business while sitting on the toilet. I am not above talking to K-Rock, RvD, my mother, or even Team Canada while I'm sitting on a private toilet. But even I wouldn't subject strangers in an office setting to listen to my stupid conversations. Especially given the fact that the content of my conversations on the phone these days mostly revolves around whether I'm bringing the correct brand of kitty litter home with me.

Back to the matter of the toilet talker, my evil mind immediately tried to go into hyper-drive trying to think of amusing ways to sabotage this prick's business phone call. If he wanted to disrupt my pee, I was going to find a way to cost him money, business success and most of all, some sense of lifelong happiness. Because of the stench of my own asparagus pee, my mind wasn't functioning at 100% though. I could only come up with two (admittedly weak) ideas.

First, I could let out a loud fart. I had one in queue too. The risk of farting and peeing at the same time while standing at a urinal should not be underestimated. The impact of a good fart can really cause urine to go in unforeseen directions. I know I've tried this on occassion and while I currently have a .600 average, this isn't slow pitch softball...we're talking about getting piss in inappropriate places and theoretically getting piss on me 4 out of 10 times is not kosher.

Second, I could say something inappropriate out loud. Our stone bathroom walls would surely reverberate the sound into his phone (probably bluetooth ear piece) and the party on the other end of the phone would hear my comment and cancel his/her end of the contract they were discussing. There was no one else in the bathroom except for me and Johnnie Deuce. The only thing that came to mind that would be equally inappropriate and amusing was to blurt out "...and that was the first time I got crabs." Pretty weak. Probably would have been raised an eyebrow on behalf of the shitter, but because I had so dissappointed myself, I didn't say anything.

I got back to my desk (after washing my hands) and shared my story with a few co-workers. Here is a quick list (in what I believe is ascending order of awesomeness) of things that I could have done to make the situation in the restroom much more amusing/awkward for our friend in Stall 2:

1. "The Freshman Dorm " - Douse a roll of TP in water and roll under the stall door and between his pant legs
2. "The STD" - Pose the following question out loud..."Does my foreskin still look infected?"
3. "The Jack Bauer" - Yell "I'll waterboard you until you give me the answer I want" and then loudly gurgle some water.
4. "The Wet Bandits" - Stick paper towels in the sinks and turn the faucets on high
5. "The Charley Baileygates" - Get into a fight with my imaginary alter ego and accidentally fall through the stall door
6. "The Noody Poop" - Very aggressively drop trousers and shirt in the stall next to the talking deucer and kick them off of feet.
7. "The Brokeback" - Utilize an iPhone and its' YouTube application, view a certain scene from a certain movie starring Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger.
8. "The Spaulding Smails" - Roll a Snickers into his stall
9. "The Prostate like a Honeydew" - Consistent flushing every twenty seconds of urinal for a consecutive five minutes
10. "The Ray Charles" - Shut the bathroom lights off

Please leave your own ideas in the comments.

Au revoir,
Le Refridgerador

Who Do I Make the Check Out To?

2009-06-30T11:28:00.003-04:00

I'm a blogger. It hurts me to say that, but I am what I am.

I say some things about famous people and "regular" people I don't like, and I'm told that at times my brand of funny can tickle the ribs of the two people who actually read this goddamn thing. But, blogging is a hobby, an outlet. Do I ever think I should get paid handsomely for this and somehow become a staple of popular culture? Well yeah, but it's not going to happen. So I would like to thank whatever the guys name is that finally clocked that insufferable asshole Perez Hilton.

I know I'm a little slow on this news story, but what I realized this morning on the shitter is that this fat mess is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with America.

Case in point. You can go on perezhilton.com and see every other story is about equality, gay rights, gay marriage, you get the idea. And then this guy has the balls to call a respected artist who mentioned he didn't appreciate being written about a "fucking faggot." It's great to see such a glaring case of bigotry from somebody who spends his waking hours fighting stereotypes and advocating for equal rights. It saddens me that this country has adopted the creed that a person doesn't want anybody to mention sexual orientation/race/gender/religious or political affiliation unless it directly benefits them in some way. This country has become so politically "correct" that we've actually gone the other way. For example, I find the term "African American" actually more offensive than the term "black." And if THAT offends you, then you're both an asshole AND an idiot. The fact that you think that ALL black people come from Africa just shows what a sheltered prick you are. Read a book. Nobody calls me a "European American," because that would be dumb right? Case closed.

Let's toy with this idea for a second: Why do I have the right to say what I just said. The all too often cited "Freedom of Speech" notion that we all cling to like a fat kids mesh shorts to his inner-thighs. What we as people fail to realize is that this freedom we all celebrate is, and forever will be, a two-way street. Above all other things I consider myself a political moderate. Some see it as me just not picking sides and refusing to play for one team or the other. I see it as being a true believer in the democratic system. You vote for and back the person you think will do the best job. End of story, plain and simple. That being said, my core value system is also something of a hybrid. Now, I'm all for gay marriage, equal rights for all CITIZENS and the like, but I also recognize that people don't believe in what I believe in, and I respect that.

Take Mr. Perez Hilton for instance. We can go on and on about gay marriage and rights and whatever we want to, but we also have to allow for the flip side of things. I'm not asking you to agree with everything, I'm not pleading with you to see where they are coming from, but if you can shoot your ignorant fucking mouth off about one thing, you better be ready to back it up. You can't just draw cocks on peoples faces and put cartoon jizz all over them and expect nobody to have a problem with it. You can't ask a question about gay marriage during the Miss America pageant and get all pissy when you don't get the answer you wanted to hear (you all saw that right)? If there is one thing I've wanted to drive home ever since I started writing on this goddamn page is that there is two sides to everything, and that for once, has to be at least acknowledged by people. As mentioned prior, this isn't a plea to understand why some people hate gays, blacks, hispanics, asians, catholics, republicans, whatever. This is a call to understand that we're all fucked up, we all don't like some things, and fucking get over yourself and enjoy the fruits of your parents labor, because none of us work hard anymore, and that sickens me. Ignorance is failing to recognize something outside of your own mindset, plain and simple, and I am tired of that word being used for people who simply don't agree with what you're saying.

In closing, I hope this isn't the last time this happens. It's a wake-up call, a call to arms for people who simply aren't going to lay down for what I'm going to call passive-aggressive fascism here. I don't agree with you, I don't like you, and if you say anything that is an attack on me, I'm going to punch you, with deadly accuracy mind you, right in your fucking mouth. But for now, keep making money by calling fifteen-year-old girls whores and sluts on your website. You're a real beacon of hope for us all, you fat prick.

Praise His name,
R Von Dexter

1958-2009

2009-06-25T18:43:00.005-04:00

This may be out of synch with some of the other things we do on this site. But I couldn't live with myself if I didn't use this outlet to say goodbye to the man who basically invented the music video and pop music.

As a little kid, the one tape I used to watch over and over again was the making of "Thriller." It was my favorite movie at the time and if I had that Beta machine to this day I would still be watching it. In fact, the first record I ever owned was Thriller. It came out when I was one year old and to this day I remember the words to every song on the album.

Now, whether or not you want to believe this, Michael Jackson was, is, and forever will be an American icon. Myself, I have always been of the mind that we as people have to gauge the artist and the personal lives of people on their own merit. Do I think the man had his hands in some underoos? To be honest, I really don't care. The guy was weird. He had a fucked up childhood, that wasn't his fault. It's common knowledge that his dad took his childhood from him, and he spent the rest of his life trying to get it back, who wouldn't do that? But you show me another person who can live as a recluse since 2005 and still make headlines up until he died. No matter what he did, where he was, or what was going on, people would write about it because this guy was a big deal to all of us. Years will pass after this day, but no matter what comes to pass, there will never be another Michael Jackson, and if you ask any pop idol today, I'm sure they'd take the time to thank Michael Jackson for giving them a job.

So, as a huge fan of his, I think I'd be remiss not to mention when one of my heroes goes away. God only knows that Rock 'N Roll Heaven is the only place he could have gone where people will once and for all leave the dude alone.

And into eternity brother, goodbye and farewell:

"When the world is on your shoulders
Gotta straighten up your act and boogie down
If you cant hang with the feeling
Then there aint no room for you this part of town
cause were the party people night and day
Livin crazy thats the only way

So tonight gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf
And just enjoy yourself
Groove, let the madness in the music get to you
Life aint so bad at all
If you live it off the wall
Life aint so bad at all
Live your life off the wall..."
Off The Wall - 1979

The (Failed) Maturity Chronicles

2009-06-25T17:07:00.002-04:00

Loyal reader, you may have heard the horrifying news that I recently took a step into adulthood and moved in with my ladyfriend. RVD and I had a brilliant vision at the time of an on-going blog series called “The Maturity Chronicles,” where I would pontificate on this new lifestyle and share all of the interesting daily comings and goings of living with my new roommate. Putting pen to paper never happened though. I guess the move went too well and nothing overly exciting has gone down during the first 25 days. I started complaining to RVD that there was nothing to write about, but he pointed out that the simplicity factor might be key. Enjoy.

Meow
In the days before my handsome self was brought into her life, my ladyfriend (we’ll call her Miss Canada for now) filled the void of love in her life by purchasing 2 cats, Big Mack and Bean. Apparently the scent of kitty litter and cat food just made her feel complete. I guess I didn’t really comprehend that when I became roommates with Miss Canada, I was also becoming the proud owner of the two feline monsters as well. I have since made peace with this fact, even though I never thought in my life I would clean up cat vomit or “take out the shit” of another species. With respect to the best G-D tv show of all time (Trailer Park Boys), I decided to have a little fun at the cats' expense. A character on the show named Bubbles is a proprietor of the “Super Cats Cat Show” and is also the proud owner of many adorable kitties. Big Mack and Bean are not appropriate names for the vicious creatures that I live with. I have taken to confusing them by now referring to them as one of the following (Bubbles inspired) cat names: Meowenstein, Shit Rock, Steve French, Vince the Pince. These inquisitive little nightmares have also become interested in my bathroom activities. My new favorite pastime is throwing magazines at the paw that sneaks under the bathroom door while I'm sitting on the John. Last week, I even sat for a good 15 minute session with the bathroom door open, just to see if they would approach. The look of shame/fear on my face must have led them away, because they pawed at the door frame and scampered away. I stink and have too much time on my hands.

Clog
It was inevitable. The clogging of the one toilet in our apartment was going to happen at some point, but I didn’t think it would happen six days into our lease. My time at the River St Sex Club included heavy indulgence in cheap American ale, chicken wings and burritos. In those years, I perfected the art of the plunge and should probably be teaching classes on how to un-clog toilets. So two weeks ago on a Saturday, I made the Executive Decision (see a movie) to walk out of the bathroom with the plunger in one hand and a sad and confused look on my face. “You officially now live with a gentleman.” “What’d you do?” You get the idea how that conversation went. When I started laughing halfway through and told her I would fix it but that this might be a weekly occurrence, she asked if our lease was still negotiable or not. I’m not sure if the land-lord ever got back to her. F my A.

Yoga + The Hangover
Miss Canada’s suggestion that I try out yoga was well taken at the time. I will not deny that I need to work on my flexibility and stretching. A nice quiet hour on Sunday morning with some soothing music and 15 complete strangers seemed like a good idea on the Tuesday that I agreed to go. Saturday afternoon, I started to have my doubts. I don’t like being the new guy at places. I don’t own a yoga mat. I really feel like sleeping in and watching SportsCenter three times on Sunday. You get the idea. So Saturday evening I put my plan into place. If I could get Miss Canada drunk enough, she’d be hungover on Sunday morning and want to skip class. We were at a Red Sox game that night – so the draft beer was flowing well and she fell into my trap. Every suggestion of “one more” was accepted. The Sox won the game, and I won at my game. Sunday morning rolled around and I heard someone mumble “let’s just skip it this week.” VICTORY!

Please note, dear reader, that these stories certainly are on a different scale than the days of old. I do miss my old roommates but I have a growing appreciation for the new lifestyle. Especially if it involves shitting with the door open, which I have never done before. Nice.

Honorably,
The Fridge

Adventures in Full Contact Martial Arts With R Von D

2009-06-25T13:43:00.004-04:00

I used to be an athlete.

Growing up I played three sports, all of which I achieved the highest levels of mediocrity, never really getting to the level I wanted to for varying reasons and excuses. But, during my college years, I knew I was getting a little "soft" and decided to LITERALLY step into the ring. It was then that my friend Albie introduced me to the world of mixed martial arts.

Over the past five years or so, what followed was a complete hodgepodge of training from Vale Tudo, to Brazillian Jiu Jitsu, to Judo, to Aikido, and Muy Thai. This mixed bag of disciplines all taught me different things with different philosophies on how to properly engage somebody in hand to hand combat. Needless to say I liked some things about all of them but fell short in some categories. For instance, in doing vale tudo and Brazillian Jiu jitsu, I found that my legs were too short to get somebody in a proper guard or complete any good submissions. Aikido was a bit too passive and impractical for me, albeit really cool. And in Muy Thai my weight class had me fighting people twice my size with twice the reach...which left me getting kicked and punched a lot. So basically I was too short and too fat to do anything required of me...awesome.

Then it happened, I had heard about Krav Maga for some time, the draw being it was real-life, real-application, no bullshit fighting style used by the Army, police forces, and founded by Israeli martial artists. A system basically to learn how to kick the shit out of somebody with no regard for their health. The practice literally involves testicle kicking, eye scratching, and chokes. The only thing it's missing for me is how to properly hit somebody with a brick once their back is turned.

I've been at this for about three weeks now and from what I'm told I'm a natural. My mixed history of fighting has provided me with ample kicking prowess, and a hammer fist that will cave in the back of your skull. Just ask Fridge's leg how good the Von D hammer punch is. Finally I feel like an athlete again, quickly moving up the ranks of the Krav Maga class. The other good thing about this class is that there is no regard for weight, height, sex, or athletic ability. This being the case, one day I might be fighting a guy who looks like Zangief from Street Fighter (yes, there is a large Russian wrestler named Vlad in the class) or a 90 lb. pain-in-the-ass housewife who can barely tie her shoes without falling over. Perfect for me, an example:

This ninety pound woman I just mentioned. Last night she kept going on and on last night while we were "working" together that I wasn't doing the choke escape correctly. She would give me pointers, I would nod my head and pretend like I was taking in what she was saying. She'd bitch some more to the instructor, he would come over and tell her that I was the ONLY ONE doing it right, and to just settle down and do the drill. This led to her rolling her eyes at me the rest of the class, and me doing everything I could not to crush her windpipe...for I knew I would get my chance.

And in the last two minutes of class, my chance came.

The drill was as follows:

-One person stands in the middle of the circle.
-The rest of the class has various pads for which the person in the middle has to strike upon command of the holder (straight punches, hammer punches, kicks, etc)
-Repeat for 3 minutes

The drill started fine, couple straight punches, some roundhouse kicks, and a couple uppercuts. Then it happened:

I feel a light tap on my back with a pad and hear "straight kick". I look over my shoulder and see this little bitch lady and decide that I will not be satisfied until she's internally bleeding. What followed was a kick that, for all intents and purposes, looked like the scene in Chappelle's Show when Charlie Murphy kicked Rick James into the mirror, complete with an "OIIIIIIIIIII!" sound that was like church bells in my ears. She hit the ground about ten feet later and was slow to get up. A twisted smile showed everybody in the class my delight, and the instructor could barely keep from laughing. Needless to say, no more front kicks for me that day.

Now, do I feel bad about this? Straight answer: no. She signed the waiver just like everybody else and show know better than to hold a pad against her chest. Absorb the blow, you dumb C...and don't roll your eyes when the kid is in his office.

Kicks and punches,
One Bad Muthafucka

"The Hangover" - A Duchess Von D Review

2009-06-19T10:38:00.002-04:00

Hello gentle readers. Now I have been referenced to on this Pen15 forum a few times in the last year due to being "Duchess Von D", but this is my first time attempting to write what the D refers to as a "blog". Yes, I do exist; there actually is a woman who "appreciates" RVonD's anger and shitastic filled farts. As for how we met, well I am one of the ladies he charmed on Match.com. What you may or may not know depending on how well you actually know RVonD and his crew is that I, despite being awesome, am a complete and utter nerd. I am a film and television junkie and frequent on the IMDB boards. If you don't know what IMDB is you are a fucking idiot and I am not wasting my time explaining it to you, google that shit and figure it out.

Now, what I love about IMDB is that you have the ability to look up relatively any movie, television show, actor, actress, and pretty much any other person attached to a movie and pull up information about your choice. What I love the most about IMDB is the message boards. I recently went on a little date night with RVonD, where he wined and dined me and then took me to a romantic movie, "The Hangover". I was very excited to see this movie because I love comedies and 'R' rated comedies are the my ultimate favorites because you know it means lots of swearing, most likely nudity (maybe even a little male nudity), and definitely some drinking and drug use, all things I, as an all-american girl, hold dear to my heart. Obviously, I enjoyed the movie and was often heard laughing over the entire theater. In addition I was shaking and burying my face into RVD's shoulder to muffle my boisterous laughter and to prevent shaming my man-date.

Today I was lucky enough to have the day off from my place of employment and RVonD came over for a little lunch/afternoon delight and mostly so I could give him his birthday present (as you all know the old man just got older). After he left I went on to my internets (dial up.. yea yea yea I'm Mrs. Slowsky.. fuck you it's cheap and I live with my grandmother) and started looking around on IMDB. I went to The Hangover's page and looked at the trivia and quotes section and had a little giggle. Then I went to the message board and started looking at what other IMDB posters were saying. Now I expected as with every movie that there would be a mixed bag of impressions. What I didn't expect was the amount of old whiney bitches complaining about how "OFFENSIVE" and "DISGUSTING" this movie was. I got to thinking and realized that this is what is wrong with American Cinematic Viewership, we have become so fucking soft and expect everything to be utterly PC that anything outside of that offends people.

Now, not to bash my own sex because I know that there are plenty of other women out there who find this brand of humor hilarious, and I am sure there are some small dicked men out there who were offended by The Hangover, but women who are offended by The Hangover need to pull the proverbial sticks out of their asses.

Here is what I have to say to people who were offended by what they saw when viewing The Hangover:

The name of the movie is "The Hangover", the previews give away the basic premise of the movie. We know it's a bachelor party in Vegas. We know they get so drunk that they don't know what happened. What confuses me is why people go to the movie and then complain about it's "lack of political correctness"?? What did you think was going to happen? Did you think they were going to have "wacky PG-13 hijinks" in a rated R movie? No there is going to be screwball, dirty, politically incorrect, sexual humor. If you didn't know that by the previews well I pity the lack of brain cells you have been provided with and as a result you should be neutered so you don't bring any other dumbass kids into the world. As a female, I was never ONCE offended by this movie. As a human being, I was never ONCE offended by this movie. As an animal lover, I was never ONCE offended by this movie. If you WERE offended by this movie you probably enjoy missionary sex with the lights off and think Jimmy Fallon is the funniest comedian EVER. Please go fuck yourself immediately.

This movie was exactly what it told you it was going to be, a bunch of drunk dudes in Vegas. There were boobies, some flaccid man-cock, and strippers; goddamn it it's a movie about Las Vegas and a bachelor party gone awry! Now The Hangover is not going to be an academy award winner, and it might not be your brand of humor. If you expected a deep movie with intelligent situational humor like any recent Bill Murray movie, well you obviously didn't get that.. It's a film geared towards the 20-30 year old man and anyone else who actually has a sense of humor. Now that being said, if you had qualms about the humor and just didn't find it funny, well that's a matter of taste and I can't really hold that against you; I probably wouldn't go see a funny movie with you and you might not really have a "sense of humor" to speak of but still that's just your opinion.

However, if you were offended or think that this movie deserved a different rating or that the actors are horrible people or whatever else negative is being said by many people well then you clearly need to get a fucking life and maybe a friend or two. Quit being such a "Rhi-Tard" and go back to watching your "Mr. Bean" movies...cocksucker.

A Brief History of St. Aubin

2009-06-19T10:11:00.003-04:00

When the Fridge and I were young, we had the privilege of working for a Fortune 500 company by the name of Able Moving and Storage. There we met many interesting characters including Steve Otis, who once received a 600.00 weekly paycheck at 5:30 pm, and did so much crack that he didn't have five dollars to get into Boston Billiards at 9:00 pm. We also had Jim Hibbard, who fathered an amazing 15 children, let the other "lifers" take turns with his wife in the back of a moving truck, and once had a TV land on his head with such force that he started bleeding from the ears. Then there was Hank, who had multiple divots in his chest due to being shot and/or being stabbed in Lowell on bad deals. And lastly we have the St. Aubin family. The two figure heads of this clan were Scott and Liz. Scott was a surly driver who would threaten to quit every day, hated all of the summer help, and called us all cocksuckers for hiding his time card on a daily basis. Also goes by the nickname "Scooter." Then there is his lovely wife Liz. Liz was the proud owner of a Saturn coupe who would propose drag races with my friend Booski's rebuilt '69 Chevelle because her car had "turbo". Also given the name "Liz St. Gross" by Little Greg. But there was something about these two that never sat right with either me or the Fridge. Who the hell was St. Aubin? What kind of catholic saint would give his name to such a degenerate bunch of miscreants with missing teeth? Well, we did some research and this is the fruit of our labor:

ST. AUBIN

Feast Day: March 1st

Biography: Albinus, also known as Aubin, entered the monastery of Tincillac when a youth, was elected Abbot when he was thirty-five, and was named Bishop of Angers in 529. He was known for his generosity to the sick and the indigent, widows, and orphans, for his work in ransoming slaves, and for his holiness and the many miracles he is reputed to have performed both during his lifetime and after his death. His feast day is March 1.

Here is where it gets interesting though:

Patron Saint Of The Indigent
Patron Saint Of Welfare
Patron Saint Of Coupon Books
Patron Saint Of NASCAR
Patron Saint Of Orphans
Patron Saint Of Gum Disease
Patron Saint Of Calvin Peeing on Things
Patron Saint Of Basic Cable
Patron Saint Of Fireworks Displays
Patron Saint Of Air Shows
Patron Saint of Child Support
Patron Saint Of Horseshoes
Patron Saint Of Indoor Lawn Furniture
Patron Saint Of Carnival Workers
Patron Saint Of Tucked-in, Non-hooded Sweatshirts
Patron Saint Of Wrangler Jeans
Patron Saint Of Plywood Cutout Lawn Ornaments
Patron Saint of Jean Shorts

So I guess that makes sense. Eight years of Catholic school should have had me know better, but I guess you learn something new every day. And this once again affirms in my mind that the Catholic Church is, of course, the answer for anything and everything. And with that, I will leave you with The Prayer of St. Aubin.

"O Angels of God, from heaven so bright,
watching beside my so-called children as gas cans they light;
Fold your wings round them, and guard them with Mt. Dew;
Softly sing songs to them of heaven and of Limp Bizkit too.
Amen"

God Bless,
The Pen15 Brethren

Hit In the Face With the Old-Age Stick

2009-06-04T14:55:00.001-04:00

I was thinking today (Oh really!? Did you hurt yourself...hahahaha fuck you, not funny), that life is always moving forward whether we like it or not. As a matter of fact, I was watching the new Indiana Jones movie on DVD and one of the characters in the movie said something to the effect that there is a point in time where life stops giving you things and starts to take things away from you. Sad, but true. So I began to think about all of the things in my life that have changed as I near my 28th birthday. Jobs, friends, families, pretty much everything changes. My infantile mind then drifted to all of the women in my life who have changed as well, and how many of my adolescent fantasies have gone by the wayside due to unfriendly aging. So here is a short top 5 of the women I used to find sexually attractive and now don't. From philosophy to sex in one short move, how sophomoric of me. Enjoy.

5. Kirsten Dunst - An easy one for me. I remember being one of two males in the theater to see "Bring it On" and staring at Miss Dunst as she shook her little thing and her rather large breasts act out almost every cheerleader fantasy a young lad could have right down to the bikini carwash. Now it seems, gravity and drug use have crippled this once fine young lady and made her into a saggy-titted bag of bones that no studio executive loves. How she is still cast as Mary Jane Watson, who is supposed to be a SUPER MODEL mind you, is beyond my mental capacity.

4. Jenny McCarthy - I remember clearly on my 14th birthday one of my good jr. high school friends came to my birthday party and gave me a poster of Ms. McCarthy. It was the shot for her Playmate of the Year cover with her on the pink satin and you could see her bum. Probably one of the best shots of her ever taken. Now while some still might find her attractive in some light and I would not disagree, here is my issue. Sure, she's funny, witty, eats cheeseburgers, and swears like a sailor but having a hot girl pontificate endlessly about child birth and autism is a real boner-killer. I remember Jenny being on some talk show talking about the "blue taco" she referenced in her book "belly laughs" only to find out she was talking about the swelling and discoloration of her unshaven (yes she mentioned that too) labia during pregnancy. Also, the whole thing with her son is unfortunate and I wouldn't wish that on anybody, but it's no reason to stop taking care of yourself, dear.

3. Nikki Cox - I was talking to the Fridge today and we couldn't for the life of us recall the name of the show that Nikki Cox and Kevin Connelly were on with the rabbit puppet voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait. We did, however remember that Nikki Cox was the only reason to watch that show. The premise of the show was basically "Married With Children" with a hotter daughter, an even more diminutive son, and puppets. This is probably one of the biggest let downs in all of adolescent history to see her now. The proof is in the pudding in this picture (http://www.celebritymilkshake.com/425/time-is-a-cruel-bastard.html). I don't know which is more depressing, the fact that she once was so hot, or the fact that she's married to Jay Mohr now...gross.

2. Jenna Jameson - Might be too easy here, but come on: What guy aged 21-30 has not seen any work with Jenna Jameson in it? Here's a girl who had to pull her braces off at 17 so she could work at a strip club and pass for 18. Here is a girl who is the porn queen. The Marilyn Monroe of adult films and probably the highest paid adult film star ever. So what happened? I would guess a very unhealthy diet, drugs, various diseases, and whatever else just ravaged this poor kid. Seriously she's so skinny now I bet the widest thing on her is her vagina. Oh, and shame on her and whoever else decides to take implants OUT once they've been in for over 6 months. Which leads me into my #1 with a FUCKING BULLET.

1. Pamela Anderson - Hmmm what should I pick here, the cellulite, the bad skin, the frame that is almost about to collapse, or how about the fact that she's going to be dead inside of ten years due to hepatitis? You choose. Seriously she looks like somebody's grandmother strolling along the beach in a bikini that is way to small for her. Granted she can pull the rabbit out of the hat every once and a while, but somebody has to tell baby girl to cover up 'cause she's starting to look like the crypt keeper. And here's a woman who had great implants, took them out, had saggy boobs for a while to go for the more natural look, then put in the most ridiculous set of tits on herself that money could buy. Money she probably doesn't have any more mind you. What's the last significant thing she's done in the past five years other than star in a shit music video with her shitty ex-husband Kid Rock? Yeah she was in Borat, but half the joke of Borat being obsessed with Pam was that he was from Eastern Europe and the irony of him wanting to marry somebody who was hot ten years prior to his arrival is funny. Didn't think of that, did you?

So that's the list. And just so you don't think I'm a completely heartless prick. Here are five women who I didn't think were gorgeous five years ago, but I would do illegal things to in the present.

5. Winona Ryder
4. Christina Ricci
3. Jenny Garth
2. Holly Hunter
1. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss

Your faithful blogger,
RVonD

R Von D's Day of Reckoning

2009-06-03T11:37:00.004-04:00

Things have been going well for me for the past year or so.

You know this. I've alluded to it more than once. I'm out of the woods. I have been surging forward both professionaly and personally. But, you see there is something in me, dear reader, that will never go away. And for the past two weeks I haven't slept very well, my eating habits have changed, and I've had the urge to just punch the shit out of somebody for almost no reason and without the slightest hint of remorse or regard for the well-being of anybody around me.

Why the sudden change? Why the sudden craving for destruction?

You ever see a caged lion turn on it's trainer and just maul the face off of him? It's not because the lion "went bad" or that the trainer did something to provoke this. Check this out:

Bear Attack Caught on TV
This video clip shows a bear attack caught on tape! A lady is a guest on a TV show when she is attacked by a bear.

Now, what would make that bear just ruin that ugly lady? The answer is nothing, and that is essentially my point. The bear and the lion don't need reasons to do what they do. It is what they were born to do and it is what they were put on this goddamn Earth to do. I have been on a leash of good food, external stimulation, and regular adult funtime. Like any wild animal, I feel as if I am once again in touch with the venom inside me, and none of you are safe. A short list of people who should watch their ass:

Objective: Rid the world of douchebaggery
Target: Spencer Pratt
Weapon of Choice: Piano wire, blunt object
Implementation: Using the blunt object (think 2x4 with a nail in it), render victim semi-unconscious. Explain to him that people in this world have to earn their money, not just marry some broad with a set of store-boughts and show up at clubs. Piano wire does the rest.
Projected outcome: Go old-school, leave the body in front of a Hollywood club frequented by wanna-be starlets and douchebags as a message. Work for your money like your parents did, you self-absorbed pricks

Objective: Bring back everything good about sports
Targets: David Stern, Roger Goddell, Bud Selig, Gary Bettman
Weapons of Choice: Bamboo Shoots, Gasoline soaked trashbag, duct tape
Implementation: Explain to all parties (after being strapped to conference room table) that they are all guilty in ruining what is left of American sport culture. Bamboo shoots inserted in fingernails as I tell them everything they have done to wrong us all in the past years. Selig making our nation and our national sport even more of a joke than our foreign policy. Goodell housing more felons than a federal penitentiary. Bettman for taking a fast and exciting sport and running it into soccer-level attendance. And Stern because for one, I hate the NBA, and two for making his superstars so lazy that we can't even win gold medals anymore. Use gasoline soaked trashbag to cover heads, render all near death, but keep alive to fix everything. Also, have them all void contracts with ESPN, because Chris Berman, Steven A. Smith, and Tony Kornheiser should all be writing columns for some no-name paper in Bumblefuck, Arkansas.

Objective: Bring back exciting television
Target: Whoever stopped running "To Catch a Predator"
Weapons of Choice: That crazy guy with the knife strap-on from "Seven"
Implementation: Pretty simple really. Go the route of John Doe in aformentioned movie and make the show come back. So what if a couple of kiddie-porn fanatics killed themselves as a result of that show. As far as I'm concerned, it served its purpose. You show up at a house with a twelver of condoms and wine coolers, maybe you should off yourself. That's all I'm saying. Let's not forget how much better we all feel at the end of a shit day when we can all say "Well fuck, at least I'm not the kind of guy to drive a hundred miles for some 13-year-old's berry patch." I have at least some decency. Furthermore, why are all the dudes on that show Indian (dot not feather) computer programmers? Can anybody tell me that?

That's all I got for now, but you people better start looking under your bed at night and asking whatever religion you prescribe to for some serious reconciliation, 'cause the kid is coming, and he's almost out of his Xanax.

Sleep tight, fuckers...

R Von D

Fridge's Brain Diarrhea

2009-05-26T20:57:00.006-04:00

I'm here to follow up Senor Von D's Brain Droppings with some Brain Diarrhea. I just have a lot of feelings (inside Mean Girls joke.)

-I read a statistic on the internet today, so it must be true. 73 current National Football League players have a DUI on their driving record. I think the only industries where this ratio is higher are probably the Arena Football League or MBTA operators.
-Has anyone else noticed that all of the music that MLB Network uses during their commercials or highlight packages is that weird pop-rock music that probably started on WBCN but ended up on Kiss 108? Blink 182. Taking Back Sunday. The Offspring. Sum 41. The Ataris. All-American Rejects. You get the idea.
-Speaking of music, I still like the Paris Hilton epic ballad "Stars are Blind." Seriously. Listen to this song and pretend it isn't sung by Paris Hilton and I bet you'll enjoy it. That or watch the music video and have the knowledge that you and I scab it up to the same material. Wink.
-People like Cal Ripken, Lance Armstrong, Jon Lester and Zack Greinke are probably inspirational to most people. They just make me feel bad about myself.
-Every evening on Baseball Tonight, I have to hear about the "unwritten rules" of Major League Baseball whenever someone gets hit by a pitch. I wonder if anyone else at my place of employment ever thinks about the "unwritten rules" of the office. Here's a quick rundown: do not take standy pees in the stalls, do not bring up my karaoke in front of management types, do not view my facebook pictures at your desk during working business hours, don't steal my parking space even if you are there before me, don't steal my activia digestive assistance yogurt out of the refridgerator, and certainly do not point out my carbon footprint to coworkers when i am printing off 15 pages from si.com to take to the bathroom with me for quality time.
-I think Google Latitude might be (at the same time) the single greatest and worst innovation of the new millenium. The fact that I can track my tech-conscious friends' movements through their Blackberry phones and a simple web application makes me so happy. However, the possibility that some douche from a ritzy Metro West suburb will now be caught on his (previously secret) bi-annual shemale fiesta to southeast Asia when he says he is at Red Sox Spring Training should really lead to some interesting life conversations between husband and wife.
-My mini-review of Terminator Salvation: The film equivalent of getting a lapdance from a talkative but wildly attractive stripper who has a speech impediment. If you somehow snuck ear plugs into the "session," you are going to leave happy. But if you are forced to listen to what they have to say, it probably was 5 hours' pay poorly spent.

Enjoy,
Der Fridgessar

PS - RvD and I will be bringing our updated Bucket Lists to the masses of our readership within the next few weeks. Keep your eyes and private parts peeled.

RVonD's Brain Droppings

2009-05-21T17:49:00.002-04:00

Having been instructed by my long-time friend Keefe to "just friggin'write something" I figured I would give you all a couple minutes of my time today and let you know what time it is.

In our conversation that eventually gave birth to this blog, I commended Keefer that his blog, The Sports Brief, was actually coming along nicely and I genuinely enjoyed his posts about sports, moreover his thoughts on the world of Mixed Martial Arts. He then scolded me for not having anything down save for a couple things over the past few months and lamented the fact the he saw the names "Fridge," "K-Rock," and "The C" on several milk cartons throughout the greater New England area.

Asking for advice, the sage-like Keefe pretty much told me to get my head out of my ass and stop trying to hit homers with every post, and simply just get something for the people to see. Well I've eaten the spoonful of wisdom, broken it down with my stomach acids, passed it through both the large and small intestines, and crapped it out, and this is what I have to show for it.

Some brain farts for you:

- Everybody who wears a cell phone on their belt should be systematically put out to pasture.

-This may be one of the greatest viral videos I have ever seen. The Russian Star Wars Kid:

-June 6th is National "Listen to Slayer Day" and I plan on taking full advantage.

-Manofest.com is quickly becoming the best site on the internet for sophomoric humor. Just take a look at this: http://manofest.com/index.php?option=com_myblog&show=20-FAT-PEOPLE-DRESSED-AS-SUPERHEROES.html&Itemid=1
An entire gallery of fat people dressed as superheroes. Just awesome. And no, none of the people in the Spider-Man costumes are me, you fuckin' dicks.

-Recently, I have been sporadically taking my prescribed medication. Those who are closest to me have noted the change in my mood. Some have voiced some concern over the fact that I become so quickly agitated, but most of the people I spend time with find it hilarious. Like when I get drunk and throw limes at the house across the street or try to hit a potato off of a golf tee.

-I will turn 28 in a month, and I have finally found an appreciation for KISS. Ironically, it was after the American Idol finale that I said "Shit, those guys ARE pretty good."

-Remember when I had that job to throw batting practice for the Pawtucket Red Sox and be a low-level scout? I really biffed that one didn't I? Thanks Boston Phoenix.

- After some time off, I am slowly regaining momentum as one of the greatest karaoke acts in the Northeast, the turning point for which came when I sang Iron Maiden in front of a room full of people and actually hit the high notes.

-I owe K-Rock twenty dollars for eating twenty dollars worth of taco bell in under an hour. Technically he won the bet, but did he really? I also plan on paying him with ten checks for 2.00

-My father is starting to look like Tom Hanks. Or Tom Hanks is starting to look like my father...seriously.

- I recently decided that I hate everything having to do with American Media. From CNN to ESPN even to celebrity Blogs, I seriously think this country is in the shitter. And the fact that everybody who lives here is completely oblivious to what is going on around them makes it even more sad. Moreover we are raising a nation of fat, mediocre, assholes with no sense of duty or loyalty to anything but McDonald's and low everyday prices. Next Stop: Serioustown...all aboard.

AND LASTLY,

-Fridge has lost so much weight that he can no longer call himself "The Fridge". Please, if you know this man and see him on the street, please refer to him as "Bobby Light" from now on.

Good night, and good luck
-Ricardo Von Dangerous

Wow...how about this? UPDATE

2009-05-08T07:47:00.003-04:00

You'll watch the whole thing, I promise... because every time semen is "recycled" an internet star is born.

Couldn't resist:

RVonD's Movie Clip of the Century!

2009-04-25T08:57:00.003-04:00

If you haven't already guessed, I fancy myself something of a movie buff. I've seen artsy movies, classic movies, awful movies, and porn...basically my whenever somebody beholds my DVD collection, that song from the original Willy Wonka movie starts playing, you know the one.

With this collection, I have stumbled upon a formula for a great movie. To be successful, it should include any of the following:

1. Ass-kicking.

2. Catch-phrases.

3. A sassy black protaganist.

4. Good music

5. Sex

I want to bring to your attention though that I have just seen a clip from a movie that literally made me almost rip into applause after watching it. If you haven't heard about this movie already, I need to be the one to tell you about it.

BEHOLD! BLACK DYNAMITE!!!

*Note: This movie did not come out in 1975, it's actually coming out in a few months...for real.

R Von D and the Miracle Weight Loss Pill

2009-04-17T12:14:00.003-04:00

Once when I was little, around the age of five, my dad used this simile when talking about doing good deeds for people:

"Doing good things for people is kind of like peeing your pants in a dark suit. Sure it gives you a nice warm feeling, but at the end of the day nobody notices."

With that in mind, I've done some good things for people and he was spot-on in his assessment. Now, nearly twenty years later, that simile has come to fruition in the most horrific of ways.

About two weeks ago, I started taking my weight loss seriously. I've gotten back on the P90X train and have been doing yoga, and I even set up a makeshift gym in the basement where I cannot be mocked while trying to better myself.

In addition to working out, I decided that I'd take an additional step to ensure my weight loss. I started taking this weight loss pill called Alli.

The premise of this pill is that it inhibits your body from digesting saturated fats. Now, I know some of you are skeptical about this, but let me tell you the first time I went to the lav I was just as surprised as anybody to see what I saw. I won't get into too much detail, but let me just tell anybody who has ever blotted a piece of pizza with a napkin, that's what my wipe looked like.

Now, as I said, the idea behind this wonder drug is that you can't eat a meal with more than fifteen grams of fat or you will experience the most horrible stomach cramps, gas, and "spotting" anybody has ever experienced. So basically what I'm doing in order to lose weight is forcing myself to eat vegetables and low fat foods under the supposition that if I eat Wendy's and foods unhealthy for me, I will literally shit my pants.

Now, I am a person whose disposition is a dangerous combination of a total lack of concern for my well-being combined with the mindset that I know better than everybody on the planet in all matters. So naturally, after taking one of these pills, and while watching the Bruins beat the piss out of the lowly Montreal Canadians, I decided to take part in eating pizza, buffalo wings, and drinking Miller High Life with K-Rock and the Fridge.

In my head, I was thinking yeah, this will probably result in me getting up in the middle of the night, will probably be uncomfortable for a couple minutes, but fuck it, I'm R Von D and the squirty hurts have never slowed me down. Not once, not never.

So I ate, drank, took part in the general merriment, and went to bed. But I didn't wake up in the middle of the night. Instead, I got up in the morning, went into the loo, read some Sports Illustrated articles (if you know what I mean) and jaunted off to work.

Then it happened...

While I was sitting at my desk, studying for a Federal securities examination, I thought it would be okay for me to let out a little fart while the Indian guy (Dot not Feather) was on the phone. There was a low rumble, and a warm sensation that seemed to last way longer than it should have. Yes, I pretty much crapped my pants.

I stood up from my desk and had to waddle the hundred yards or so down the hallway to the bathroom. To my delight, the spillage was not solid, and had not yet leaked through my unders and onto my suit (which is black, thank God). So, I cleaned myself up, and having no other option, deposited my undergarments into the waste receptical therein.

So here I sit, at the very cubicle this all started with nothing seperating my boys from the outside world but a thin layer of suit pant.

But what have I gained from this? What good can come of a nearly 28 year-old man crapping his pants in a professional setting? Probably nothing other than to keep on doing what I'm doing, because it's the only way I'm going to lose any weight other than getting liposuction.

FML,

R Von D

PS - Down 7 pounds.

I needed to post something today!

2009-03-10T14:47:00.002-04:00

So why not this?

Mister Randy Watson!!! from TC Awards Committee on Vimeo.

SEXIAL CHOCOLATE!

RVonD

Under-Reported News Topics of the Past 15 Years

2009-03-09T19:57:00.005-04:00

Good evening friend,

I was thinking recently about how far down the standard of greatness in journalism has fallen. Woody Paige and Jay Mariotti are the type of sportswriter that the American newspaper has to offer? Yuck. Is Keith Olbermann or Sean Hannity remotely qualified to guide the public discourse on politics? Blah.

"The News" has become a business instead of something to truly interest us of late. And I believe that in the process, some of the following stories have gone under-reported. I had originally prepared a gentlemanly even list of 5 topics, but as I've deprived the world of my glorious thoughts for several months, I figured I'd even give you a bonus item! EN-JOY!

1. Terrell Owens Really Tried to Kill Himself

This superstar athlete overdosed on a lethal dose of a prescription painkilling medication. I know if I had a bottle of something called "Hydrocodone" that I wouldn't treat them like they were M+Ms. We all remember his redemption story two weeks later and his publicist bragging about the size of Terrell's "contract." But somehow the fact that one of the biggest names in sports actually was so sad that he tried to end it all went away quickly, which makes me sad. I believe the word is schadenfraude.

2. George Steinbrenner Directly Financed the Hit on Nancy Kerrigan

In the mid 1990s, apparently Big Stein developed an interest in the US Olympic program. He donated some money to some of the lesser and unsponsored talents in events like swimming and ice skating. One of the young porn stars/athletes to whom George gave money was Tonya Harding. Ergo, George Steinbrenner paid for the pipe that Gilooley used to smash up the knee of Massachusetts' own Nancy Kerrigan. Perhaps Nancy wore a Sox hat to skating practice one day and George was unpleased with this.

3. Richard Jewell Did Not Bomb the 1996 Atlanta Olympics

In fact, this portly recluse was a volunteer during the Olympics and probably saved lives. He was not guilty of anything other than warning people to move away from what he suspected was a backpack not full of books. So no, that face that was all over the news for six months and kinda looked like a fat Kevin Youkilis did not try to ruin the Summer Games.

4. K-Rock is a National Champion of College Athletics

Local Rugby team in Plymouth, NH competed in and won the Division III National Championship in the Spring of 2008. Local celebrities K-Rock and Hambone were contributing and senior members of this team. How this was not national news is beyond the Pen 15 Club's belief.

5. Nomar Garciaparra was NOT Implicated in the Mitchell Report:

(see above photo)

6. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" Was the Number One Movie in America for TWO Consecutive Weeks

Interesting to see how far the cinematic standard has fallen in this country that this turd could rule the box office for not one but two weeks. I guess the movie industry might as well just give up to the Buzzsaw that is Kevin James.

Fear not loyal reader. In the coming weeks and months, I will be re-dedicated to providing you with reading to distract you from your dull lives.

Please think of the environment and print 50 copies of this blog post and douse them all with gasoline and set on fire in a crowded and already polluted South American city slum while driving a gas-guzzling SUV and not recycling your Poland Springs water bottle.

XOXO

The Fridge

This Guy is the F'ing Balls!

2009-01-16T14:24:00.001-05:00

...Just sayin'

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D: Update

2009-01-13T23:59:00.003-05:00

I would like to update you in regards to my first wager through the majesty of Haiku:

Wax did not hurt me.
Duchess enjoyed smooth outcome.
But, hair now ingrown.

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D: Week 2

2009-01-12T23:43:00.004-05:00

First, from Wikipedia:

Water intoxication (also known as hyperhydration or water poisoning) is a potentially fatal disturbance in brain functions that results when the normal balance of electrolytes in the body is pushed outside of safe limits by over-consumption of water.^[1] Normal, healthy (both physically and nutritionally) individuals have little to worry about accidentally consuming too much water. Nearly all deaths related to water intoxication in normal individuals have resulted either from water drinking contests, in which individuals attempt to consume more than 10 liters (2.2 imp gal; 2.6 U.S. gal) of water over the course of just a few minutes, or long bouts of intensive exercise during which electrolytes are not properly replenished, yet massive amounts of fluid are still consumed.

The Challenge:

Drink two gallons of water in two hours.

The Payoff:

$20.00

Now, you'd think this is easy enough right? You'd think this would be a no-brainer for me, right? Well you're wrong, and without giving too much away I will tell you that this is the first challenge in recent memory that did not come to fruition. Yes, ladies and gentleman. I, who at one point, drank entire pint glasses of hot sauce, have eaten a soy sauce and sour skittle sandwich, and have scarfed live sea urchin to impress an ex-girlfriends father, have come undone. What is the arrow that struck the Achilles Heel of R Von D...fucking water.

As we were sitting at home one night, Fussy Joe brings this challenge to me after a night out with Mr. Guy. If he hasn't been mentioned yet in this blog, you should know that about six months ago, on my 27th birthday, I met Mr. Guy. All I can tell you about this person is that he loves betting money and in terms of his psyche, he is clinging to the last essence of what it is to be a human being. Think of that person in high school that convinced you to do stupid shit and made it sound like the coolest thing you've ever done. Now picture that person with a limitless supply of alcohol and smokeless tobacco and there you have Mr. Guy, the man who offered me five thousand dollars to be on the receiving end of a Viagra-infused phallus...dead serious.

Anyway, Joe comes home and tells me of this water concoction that he and Mr. Guy have come up with. The original idea was to have me tape two gallons to my hands until they were gone. But me being the bet enthusiast that I am, I decided that the Edward (Insert Beverage)Hands was cliche. We also didn't have any tape...so me holding them would have to do. I sat down at 10:55pm and had until roughly 1:00am to finish the jugs (that's what she said). I decided that pacing myself was the best option, as prior milk challenges have gone south for me in regards to the alternative.

Skip ahead 45 minutes and my stomach is cramping so badly that I have to stand up and take the first of my many pisses that night. Truth be told, I woke up every hour that night and had to do the "dick dance" all the way to the bathroom as to not pee myself. You know the dick dance right? The one you used to do when you were 3 when you were getting yelled at or just got a new Nintendo cartridge.

(ed. note: I just felt like saying the word cartridge, and have a deep personal feeling that our economy is as bad as it is today because more things aren't offered in cartridge form)

So there I am, stomach cramping, girlfriend glaring at me, and Fussy Joe wearing that ear-to-ear shit-eating grin of his, and I decide to call it a night. Several things were running through my head in that instant, and I will share them with you in order of importance.

1. I drank so much beer and ate so much Chinese food on New Year's Eve the week before that I almost threw up on Duchess Von D. A repeat performance would almost certainly seal my fate into the world where my only means of gratification would be watching late-night Cinemax.

2. I had just consumed a bottle of wine, garlic and spinach pizza, and some carrots and hummus earlier that day, none of which would feel good about seeing again on both physical and psychological levels.

3. I surmised while watching her on my television, that Angelina's Jolie's lips must feel like two fleshy pillows filled with sunshine dust and rainbows. We were watching "Wanted" at the time...good flick.

4. I heard about this lady who died from Water Intoxication (See Above) in a "Hold your Wee for a Wii) contest. Maybe I should stop...

So to sum up, I gave in, and so-the-fuck-what? Twenty bucks wasn't worth the puke nor the the effort of self-gratification to Bikini Carwash 8. I'm too old for that and sadly I wasn't getting a new video game console for my effort. So until next week, this is R Von D reminding you that money makes the world go 'round and I'm broke as shit.

Urinatingly Yours,
Ron Von Don

2009: The Year of Von D

2009-01-05T10:55:00.005-05:00

So I quit my job.

There that is. As you may or may not know I left my teaching position to come to Boston (Waltham) in search of money and women. The latter is taken care of, the former is very much not. And so, I have taken another position in the world of personal finance, vowing never again to venture into the world of retail advertising sales. Sure, that sounds really cool, and sure I got some free dinners out of that job, but at the end of the day, everybody in that profession stinks.

I've also gotten fat.

There has been much said in this blog about my height and weight. So much so that it has finally vaulted me into action. No longer will I take heat from my friends as they reminisce about what I used to look like, how I used to be active, and how I used to be able to beat people up. I will contest the third thing until the day I die (probably in a fist fight with a close friend), but you have to wonder about two out of three of those things.

It is also a new year. And since my pathetic planets seem to be in complete alignment, it is now time to act: 2009 is officially the year of Von D. Now what that means for you, dear reader is that you now have a front row seat to the greatest transformation of all time, slightly edging out the first time Optimus Prime was on screen in "Transformers." I have taken the necessary steps to get myself into better positions financially, physically, and emotionally so it's time for me to rock and roll.

I will not share with you my income, for that is rude and dumb, but I will share with you with as much specificity as possible, my weight fluctuation during this entire 90 day endeavor. Why 90 days you ask? Well, because the Duchess was good enough to burn me copies of P90X, and true to it's name, it takes 90 days...retard. I will also be keeping a food log the entire time, so I can tell you what I eat during the week. Overkill? Maybe. Self-indulgent? Definitely. But this is my blog and I do what I want with it. And I'm on a "Weekly Update" kick these days, so just be happy that this thing is still getting updated as The Fridge, K-Rock, Dana Complaina, and the C have much better things to do...so they say.

Starting Weight/Current Weight: 237 lbs
Target Weight: 195 lbs

Now, I would say that 99% of the people who read this know me and think that there is about a snowball's chance in hell that I will complete this task. But think about what has happened in the past couple of months: We have our first black president of the United States, my beloved Bruins are in first place, the 11-5 Patriots did NOT make the playoffs, and the list could go on...stranger shit has in fact happened.

I'll see you all on the other side. God help us all.

Still fat,
R Von D

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D

2009-01-03T19:15:00.005-05:00

Okay so after a lot of positive feedback from the food eating wager, which I apologize for not finishing by the way, the Pen15 Family has decided to make it our regular thing.

And so, we've decided as a house to start the R Von D weekly wager. The rules are simple, the results are hopefully pleasurable for our readers. So without further adieu, our first bet.

For those of you who aren't aware of it, I've had a tough history throughout my life of not being able to turn down money or bets. Remember in "Back to the Future" when somebody would call Marty McFly a chicken and he'd lose his mind and inevitably do something dumb? Well, I'm kinda like that minus the cool Nikes and the Parkinsons. So Fussy Joe and I are sitting around the house one day and up comes the converstation regarding body waxing and personal male house keeping. Fuss then asks me how much it would cost me to get a full brazillian wax. Ever the one to High-ball myself, I tell him that a mere forty dollars and the cost of the wax would be sufficient funds for me to sport the "immaculate canvas" so to speak.

So weeks go by and nothing is said until Fussy decides it would be a good idea to start dating a cosmetolegist who actually does waxing and whatever the hell those people do. He then tells her of our little wager and the meager means it would take for me to complete this task. She, of course, tells me I'm out of my mind and it would hurt more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Really, when are you people going to realize that telling me I can't do something only strengthens my resolve. So, I decide that on that day, not only am I going to take this bet and win it, but I'm also going to do it for every man in the world who gets told by a woman that he couldn't handle a "manzilian." Seriously if I heard once more that a woman's pain threshold far surpassed a man's, I think I would have burned somebody alive. I mean come on, men play football and drive monster trucks. Women cook dinner and sew. I win. Now, since we were in the middle of a snowstorm, and a Rite Aid was within striking distance, not only was I going to get a wax done, but I was going to do it myself. How's that for pain threshold you buch of pussies.

So there I am in Fussy Joe's barthroom stark naked save for a pair of socks, one foot up on the toilet about to make some money. The details are what you would typically imagine. Yes it hurt, yes I bled a little bit, yes I started to sweat and breathe heavy towards the end. But, was I crying like people said? Fuck no. Was that the worst thing I've ever felt? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Was it the easiest forty dollars I've ever made? You bet your ass. I even went a step further and did a large portion of my arm for another five spot. Not only that, but The Duchess was quite impressed with the job I did. So much so that I might make this a regular thing. I will say though that I will never wax my chest. I enjoy my nipple-spinach too much to get rid of it, and it is also the source of my virility...much like Samson.

THE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING

2008-10-06T16:22:00.003-04:00

What you're about to see is the greatest internet video of all time.

In my mind this is the type of thing the internet was invented for; nearly 34 minutes of people hurting themselves, shit blowing up, and anything else that is awesome. The only thing that could make this better would be if they put a picture of my privates on this video. Because believe you me, my thing is worth all the tea in China. Nevertheless, ENJOY!

The ULTIMATE COMPILATION!!!
by phillyblacklite

The Hangover Cure: An American Necessity

2008-10-05T20:48:00.004-04:00

Sitting here on "The greatest Sunday in the history of Sundays," RvD and I have had a little discussion on hangovers. Most notably, the fact that I have not had one either of the past two Sundays. As the weather has become more "Big-Bob Friendly" according to Fussy Joe, I've noticed my enjoyment of drinking increasing. Last Saturday was the end of Josephest, and I started drinking delicious Busch Lights at around 1:30. I watched Demolition Man, Talladega Nights and played about three hours of Rock Band....all before the sun went down. We went to a karaoke bar in the evening, and around approximately hour 15 of drinking a new karaoke experience was born. My evil twin, Joe's buddy Orlando, apparently has the same taste for Budweiser fueled singing in front of a room of strange folks. R Von D, Fridge and Orlando karaoke will henceforth be known as DFO Speedwagon. RVD and I did several shots to celebrate how good we were at singing. I drank for about 12.5 hours and really thought I was doomed on Sunday morning. Woke up around 10AM and felt like $1,000,001. I actually felt GOOD.

Anywho, yesterday I walked to a local BBQ celebrating the end of my work's softball team season. I brought a 12 pack with me, figuring this would be an easy kind of night that I would only need 12 beers for and then I'd come home around midnight. Instead, I finished my backpack of beers by 10 and started drinking from the keg. I convinced 3 of my coworker pals that it would be a good idea to sneak out of the party and head down to a local watering hole. At this point I had consumed around 16 beers total, I believe. Once arriving at the Skellig, we ran into RvD and Fussy Joe. RVD and I had a heated exchange with some personal insults being hurled towards one another. (He forgot to take his crazy pills and I was being hurtful and intoxicated.) He pushed me and I accidentally bumped into a woman of small stature.

Bouncer (to Ryan): "You need to go now."
Baron Von D (to Bouncer): "I know."

Joe and I had a good chuckle at Von D's expense and thought about how much he must have been fuming on that lonely walk home. We did a celebratory shot. This put me at (best estimate) 18 beers and 2 shots as my total consumption for the evening. I took a cab to my ladyfriend's house after leaving The Skellig and slept there (I'm sure she was thrilled with my decision to show up at 1:30am smelling like stale beer and bbq food.) I didn't want Ron Von Don smothering me in my sleep. I woke up at 8:30 this morning without even a hint of a headache. I was as amazed as you are, loyal reader. I had two orange cream popsicles for breakfast and had ladyfriend stop at Starbucks so I could get some caffeine into my system.

The moral of these stories is that I for some reason have recently become completely immune to hangovers. Everybody has their own! I generally don't value anyone's opinion but my own. Today, we'll be exploring some of my close pals' own personal hangover cures.

1. MKenn
-1/2 tin of Grizzly Straight
-Rye and Ginger
-The Outdoors
-Black People Music

2. R von D
-Gatorade
-Video Games
-Anna's Taqueria
-Acute Anxiety Medication
-Being left alone

3. Duchess von D
-Pizza
-Advil

4. Gregoire
-5 mile run or 25 mile bike ride

5. Ladyfriend
-As much ice cold non-fat milk as humanly possible

6. Fussy Joe
-"The Grease"

For the longest time, I was the hangover king of the world. I used to feel so horrible after an evening of tough drinking that I would make the people around me suffer too. Even if they were strangers that I walked by in a gas station. My hangover cures used to depend on the situation I was in. If I was on a long car ride home from Connecticut or Plymouth I would usually get at least one Monster Energy Drink and put my window down regardless of the weather. Fresh air was the key component. I would rather freeze my tits off and end up with a chapped face than be overhung when I got home to my parents house and had to face their disappointment, disgust, and shame. Back in those good old days when I used to get hangovers and I didn't have a long drive ahead of me, I used to retreat to my bedroom, watch at least 2 Star Wars movies, drink gallons of water and try to overdose on multi-vitamins.

Bottom line is that we all clearly are borderline problem drinkers in that we've had enough opportunities to develop our own personal cures for hangovers. I suggest you all either copy my lifestyle exactly so that you no longer have those rough mornings or enroll in "the program" to get your life straight.

Dig,
Fridge III, Esq

My Roommates Are Trying To Kill Me: Day 3

2008-10-02T09:31:00.006-04:00

We pick up where we left off.

I got up yesterday morning to a very feminine knock on my door. I opened the door, eyes half open to see Fussy Joe standing at my door. He was smiling. Naturally I inquired as to why he was looking at me the way he was, and he then pointed to my feet where I saw a 3/4 full bottle of Pepsi with something white on the top of the dark liquid.

"Is that grated cheese?" I asked.

"Why yes, yes it is," The Fussy One said with a smile "it's got some jelly in there too."

So that was my breakfast. A bottle of Pepsi, grape jelly, grated Parmesan cheese, and just for a little kick, nine whole packets of sugar waiting for me at the bottom of the bottle. Little did this Lilliputian turd know that I have the ability to chug just about anything, so I poured the Pepsi into a pint glass and took the whole thing down like a champ. Hey, at least they turned the volume up, so to speak, and got away from the bags of sour skittles.

The rest of my day was uneventful, I almost fell asleep at my desk, walked around JP prospecting new clients, and bought two new DVDs at the Best Buy down the block. Upon returning home, I found the Fridge in the kitchen making what I consider to be the best dinner I have ever seen. He was cooking chef trimmed, low-fat breasts of chicken with mixed vegetables over white rice. Little did he know that I was gazing around for something to stab him with so I could steal his dinner, but I stayed my hand and opted for some cold pizza as an appetizer to what was to come later on.

So Fussy Joe comes home with the same squinty-eyed shit eating grin on his face. I was playing Call of Duty on XBox Live when I hear Fussy's infamous "ENJOY!" coming from the kitchen. Placed in front of me where two slices of bread, I didn't know what was inside, and to be honest, I really shouldn't have looked, but the sandwich contained the following:

Two pieces of multi-grain bread
Two pieces of sliced chicken
Mayonnaise
Soy Sauce
Grape Jelly
Salt
Hot Cocoa Powder
Marshmallows
Spit (probably)

I took several quick bites of the sandwich and knew that I was in trouble. It was so salty that my throat closed the second it was inside my mouth (that's what she said). I hated it so hard, but I was not going to let that little midget a-hole get the better of R Von D...so I endeavored to persevere. I got the brilliant idea to make the sandwich into two open-faced halves with the chicken, hot cocoa, and jelly on one side and everything else on the other. Looking back, I should have eaten the salty half first because the chicken and jelly went down no problem. It actually wasn't as bad as I had originally made it out to be. The soy sauce, salt, and mayo side proved to be a bit of a challenge. Maybe it was too salty. Maybe it made me gag. MAYBE I had to get up and dash for the trash can. MAYBE I didn't make it in time. MAYBE I threw up on my pants thirty seconds before my girlfriend walked in the door and I had to run around the house cleaning myself up before I said hello to her. Things happened too fast to recall in such detail, but she had no idea what had just happened until Fussy Joe told her about it hours later when he came home from his Gay Pride night at Margaritas.

After that, I sat on the couch with my steady gal, drank three shots of Pepto, and watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Nothing better than a pleasant evening with a good movie and good company. Then Fussy Pants came home and ruined everything. He kept going on and on about how the rest of the week is going to be torture and asking me if I wanted any dessert. I calmly explained to him that for a little pup he does a lot of barking but not a whole lot of biting. Of course, he took offense to such a comment and went in the kitchen to make me a shake. The shake was:

Milk
Soy Sauce (his new go-to)
Mustard
Mayo
Piss (probably)

I got a whiff of this stuff and knew right away I wasn't going to get it down. However, in a bit of psychological warfare, I added about a shot and a half of Johnnie Walker to the drink. He thought I was doing it to look tough, but I was actually doing it to take away some of the mustard and soy sauce smell. Funny thing about milk and mustard is, when combined, they tend to have an adverse effect on each other, and the milk curdles instantly. Nothing like mustard and sour milk to get your stomach going. Seconds later, I was bent over the sink, throwing up the entirety of the shake. BUT, I did manage to get the whole thing down, so it still counted.

The good news is, I was actually able to sleep last night and the Sox won, so the night wasn't a total loss I guess. I must admit though that my confidence in my abilities is a little rocked after last night, but I have only a day and a half to go, and the stupid retards didn't make my breakfast today so I got another freebie. Also, I lamented last night to my special lady that I really am starting to miss vegetables. Like, really. The little fat guy is really starting to miss his greens.

And then there was evening, and then morning. The Third Day.

My Roommates Are Trying To Kill Me: Day 2

2008-10-01T08:57:00.006-04:00

As you are well aware, Fussy Joe, Fridge, and his idiot brother K-Rock have concocted a plan to end my life. They are well aware of my weakness for bets, money, and food and have chosen to exploit this in an attempt to break my psyche and weaken my otherwise superior physical makeup. If this were me pulling off this bet, I can assure you that there would be Danny Ocean-esque precision involved using certain combinations of food that would assuredly get the results I wanted. While I will not divulge any of that information here (for these three idiots are no doubt reading this), I will tell you that my cronies have been somewhat lacking in their creativity.

If you remember, Monday night I was greeted when I got home with a peanut butter and sour skittle sandwich along with a vicious energy drink. I then told Joseph that I really didn't like the whole "sour" aspect of my meal, so what do you think I got for breakfast on day 2? You guessed it. More sour skittles. The imagination that could have gone into something like that probably could have produced several high-end Tim Burton movies, right? Bravo boys, you got me. A little water took the sourness right off those little things and I was on my way to work another twenty hour day.

As an aside, I made 60 bucks slingin' pies last night and my girlfriend now refers to me as Papa Gino. Moreover, I met my first legitimate whore last night. No seriously. She came into the establishment last night from the halfway house around the corner and bought a Pepsi. I couldn't imagine what she needed to chug a soft drink for, but she seemed hell-bent on drinking it as fast as she could. Weird, right? I wonder what she was up to. Perhaps she was parched from the walk. She was a real handsome gal though, a classic beauty. 5'3" 300-400lbs, crooked teeth, and a "mom" tattoo on her boob. Charming gal.

Moving along, I got home and what did I find was for dinner? Oatmeal, cumin, pepper, and YOU GUESSED IT...sour skittles. The Brain trust really broke the bank when they came up with this plan huh? I swear to God you'd find more originality in an hour of Carlos Mencia stand up. You'd find more creativity in a special needs classroom on bouncy-ball day. I swear I come up with better plans to smite my enemies during a mid-afternoon nap. Basically everybody sucks but me.

However, my dear reader, the lack of creativity and originality has only awoken something hidden in me for a long time. When I was a boy of seventeen (thirty years ago?!? HAHA you're hilarious K-Rock! Old jokes are funny!), I was notorious for taking jokes too far. That boy has been gone for some time now, but it seems as though he is on his way back home. When I was a kid, I had a colleague who could get me to jump off roofs of summer camp bathrooms by uttering the simple phrase "you won't do it." Well, that boy is on his way to Waltham with each passing day, and he has enlisted the services of some very powerful and sociopathic allies.

And then there was evening, and then morning. The second day.

My Roommates Are Trying To Kill Me: Day One

2008-09-30T09:16:00.006-04:00

Prelude:

As many of you know, having left a cushy teaching gig, I have made my foray into the business world by taking a job in the Marketing and Advertising field. Now, you'd think that my position would be much more lucrative, but you see, things in this country have begun to cost more and more and it has left your humble narrator in somewhat dire straights these days. A second job and a stupid bet later, I am left sitting in my cubicle with swollen bloodshot eyes, no real money to my name, and a severely upset stomach. How did this happen you ask? I'll tell you my dear reader.

To get a little more jingle in my pocket, I've taken a second job delivering pizzas. That's normal right? A 27-year-old bloke lumpin' pizzas to fat college girls at 10:30 PM on a Monday night dressed in a shirt and tie from his day job? You know what? Fuck you because I say it is and you can choke on my goddamn fist. How's your 401k after the Dow Jones did their best NY Mets impression you pile of bull excrement? You stink.

...sorry I'm very tired this morning.

In addition to my new job, I've also taken an interesting bet with KRock, Fridge, and our roommate Fussy Joe. My task is to eat everything they put in front of me for five days, and they will each shell out twenty-five dollars on Friday night. Five days of crap for a little bit of pocket change. Not too bad right? Obviously there are rules to this:

1) Everything they give me has to be edible.
2) All I have to do is swallow the food, what my body chooses to do after that is out of my control and therefore cannot negate the bet.
3) I cannot "manually"purge said food.
4) All food this week has to be provided and prepared for me, at no cost.

"And heeeeeeere weeeeeeeeee...go."

DAY 1:

I wake up and to my delight, the idiots I lived with failed to provide me anything for breakfast. This pleased me because I could go about my day not worrying about when I was going to puke at my desk and start crying. Instead, I worked a day starting at 7:00am and ending at 12:30am the next morning. Awesome.

If that wasn't bad enough, I was met by Fussy Joe as soon as I walked in the door at 12:45 telling me that my dinner was waiting for me in my bedroom. To my delight there was two pieces of bread and a Redline energy drink. For those of you who have not had a Redline before, basically what it is is an energy drink that has a warning label on it saying the following:

"Do not drink while pregnant," "Keep out of reach of children," and "Do not drink on an empty stomach", amongst other things. Some users have reported that they have experienced trembling, increased body temperature, sweating, headaches, and nausea when consumed on an empty stomach. The product also carries labels warning consumers not to use it if they are under the age of 18, and the item tends to be age-restricted in many retail outlets, including Wal-Mart. The Navy Exchange has imposed a limit of one Redline per customer due to concerns of sailors potentially overdosing." - From Wikipedia

So this is what I had to drink at 12:45am after working the entire day. Oh yeah, and the sandwich consisted of peanut butter and sour skittles. Logically, I awoke at 3:15 or so and made a mad dash to the bathroom where I threw up clear liquid and half-eaten skittles while my heart beat faster than Fridge's while he watches Transformers. Best day of my life. To think, I could be sitting in front of a classroom of ungrateful teen aged assholes instructing them in a discipline they will surely never use in real life. Instead, I'm living with piece of shit middle-aged assholes, instructing them in nothing, and sacrificing my pristine physical appearence to make ends meet.

I will say this though; when this week is over my retribution will be swift and just. The D can only be pushed so far, my friends. And when the day of reckoning comes for my associates, I can assure you that no expense will be spared in seeing them kneel before Baron Von D.

And then there was evening, and then morning. The first day.

The Comprehensive List of Female Genitalia Pseudonyms

2008-08-25T11:56:00.002-04:00

We recommend you use each of these frequently:

vagina, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, hole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, s, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, curator, b.o.b.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, ry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cave, donut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, zilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indiana bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold

Happy (Belated) 4th of July, You Sunsabitches From the Pen15 Crew

2008-07-06T20:03:00.002-04:00

If you fuck with America, we'll come to your house with socks filled with bars of soap and fuck your commie mothers while we strike you with said soap-filled socks.

Sidenote: Fireworks rule.

Kisses,
The Pen15 Club

R Von D "Takes the Morning Train"

2008-07-06T19:18:00.005-04:00

While the people of the internet have long heard me prattle on and on about the shortcomings of a teaching career, I am proud to announce that my stint in the Connecticut wilderness is all but forgotten. For the past month I have moved on from teaching children the ancient values of Roman culture, and into the fast lane city-livin' I have always dreamed of. Day to day I sit in my cube. I do not miss six day weeks. I do not miss the summers off, leaving me with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with. And, I do not miss sniveling children and their well-to-do parents. To put it bluntly, my life is kickin' ass right now. Here's the typical work week for me.

7:00 - I wake, hang out with my man Fridge and head off to work. Sometimes I get stuck in traffic on the Mass Pike going from most glorious city Waltham to Boston. Do I care? No, because I get to listen to Opie and Anthony. Nothing is better than listening to the sexual exploits of Jim Norton early in the morning.

8ish - I stroll into work with my little briefcase and say hi to everybody, I then go to the corner to Starbucks where I get myself a grande redeye with skim milk and two splenda. This will keep me awake for the next four hours.

9:00-11:59 - The three hours until lunch are spent cold calling people. While you might think this is dumb and played out, it is an interesting time for me to play games with people. I try different sales tactics, see what works and what doesn't work, and figure out ways to harass people over the phone and try to get them to meet me in person. Most of the times this doesn't work, but the times it does, I am ecstatic.

Noon - I go to lunch at a 40% discount at Boston Billiards, just one of the perks of my job. I chat up the bartenders there and take my time before going back to work.

1:00-5:00 - More calls, maybe some appointments, more coffee.

5:00-6:00 - This time is spent winding down and maybe going down to Starbucks to take a dump. There is something strangely satisfying about taking a dump in such a yuppy establishment such as Starbucks. The grin on my face as the Brooks Brothers crowd smell my feces is something we all should experience. Next time you're around a Starbucks, drop some heat and then see people try to order a Orange Mocha Frappacino while getting a whiff of your brand of awfulness. Try to keep a straight face. In reality though, I'm just too timid to poop in my office right now.

6:00 - I sit in my cube and wait to see if all three of my bosses have left yet. Then, after they leave, I leave and go to Waltham where my lovely lifemate is there waiting for me with some broiled chicken and some ice cold Coor beers. I then wait to do it all over again, you know, workin' for the weekend and all of that.

And now, R Von D's top five things about the American Work Week:

1. Bagel/Casual Friday - For my money, nothing is better than this. I get to wear what I want, eat what I want and just be comfortable while doing my job. What is better than that?

2. Sitting in traffic - As stated prior, I like traffic. I sit in air conditioning, listen to good music, and I'm in a car where nobody can give me shit. The only thing better than this is doing the same thing in casual clothing. Best thing ever.

3. Sunday Funday - Friday is pretty good, Saturday is a great time, but Sunday Funday is where it's at. The gentleman of Waltham take the time on the Lord's day to eat a healthy brunch, usually some Irish fare, and slug down a couple of mixed drinks in the process. The best part about that is we drink enough where we pass out around 7:00pm and I get a great booze-filled night's sleep for the week ahead.

4. Repetitive Tasks - Say what you want about this, but I have spent the last three years studying the male mind. I know how this shit works. I'm an A to B person. Give me a task and I'll complete it. Tell me when, how, and where to do something and it will get done. You don't even have to give me a why, just tell me to get it done and it will get done. I like linear thinking. Can I think outside the box? Yes I can. Am I of superior intelligence? You bet your fucking ass I am. But, I'm smart enough to know when I've found a good thing and not to fuck it up. If they don't expect me to sell anything in my first three months of work, I'm not going to bust my ass. A lifelong mover once told me "Don't work harder, work smarter." These are words to live by and you should all learn how to do this.

5. Bosses - On the subject of repetitive tasks, the one thing that makes this better is if it comes from one single person. I always hated the tangental conversation that took place around the school I worked at. I would have lunch with a person, talk to them about their day, then five minutes later get an email from them asking me to do something for them. Now I get a single person telling me what to do, face-to-face, no bullshit. There is something to be said for that and I like it.

I will tell you this, dear reader; a 9-5 is awesome. For all of you who bitch and moan about it, the grass isn't always greener, and if you still think it is then whatever. The point of this whole entry is to let you know that my life away from Connecticut rules now, and I'm sitting on my couch watching a Red Sox game with Dana Complaina and Fridge while drinking beer. Fuck summers off. This is where it's at.

Yes sir,
R Von D

Frankie Says Relax

2008-06-15T22:15:00.003-04:00

We know, we haven't blogged in a while. We have been busy with things like moving, new jobs, a new beginning, and God forbid, a girlfriend. So we at the Pen15 Club ask you to kindly keep your fucking shirt on.

Coming soon:

Bringing out the worst in each other: Los Hermanos Fantasticos Begin to Live Together
RVonD takes on the American work week.
Fridge's analysis of the usefulness of women in the work place.
Dana Complaina moves to Southie.
The C studies for the bar.
K-Rock graduates college, remains a retard, continues to suck as a contributer.

Hugs and Kisses,
The Pen15 Staff

Vote RvD + Fridge in '08

2008-04-16T00:08:00.005-04:00

"We are not here to be your leaders. We are not here to be your role models. We are here as your cultural and emotional assassins. Every 'scene' you try so hard to be a part of. Every 'cause' that you get involved in. We are here to bring them down and to point out flaws in everyone, including ourselves. We intend to run a campaign based on brutal and horrific honesty. Do we think all ugly women should be forced to work in the stock rooms of grocery stores, hidden from all of society? Not if they have a decent rack, we don't. This isn't the kind of campaign you are going to get from any of those other 3 candidates. Toeing any party lines is not something that your humble writers are interested in. We are the Pen 15 Brigade, and we've reported for duty."

Give'er,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos (R Von D & Fridge)

Spring Is In the Digital Air: R Von D Attempts Online Dating

2008-04-13T10:36:00.005-04:00

I've touched upon this a thousand times before, but I must reiterate again that my social life leaves a lot to be desired. Granted, this will all be over at the end of May when I move to the glorious city of Waltham, MA and get to have bunk beds with the Fridge (I already called bottom because of my small stature, and I'll enjoy watching his fat ass climb up every night). However, at the beginning of this month, I lost faith in my abilities to go out and meet people. I began to think that I was so undesirable to the opposite sex, that I delved into ninth circle of dating hell...online dating.

My experience here has done nothing but affirm my suspicions that I am going to be the cranky old man in the neighborhood who shoots kids with pellet guns when they step on my lawn. I did, however, find out some new things:

1) Fat girls LOVE me: Now I'm not talking "curvy" or "full figured" or "Mother Earth goddess" types here. I'm talking FAT girls. Girls who's ideal date is sensual food play with a fucking turkey drumstick. Oh, and all these girls list their body type as "about average"...right. I don't get it. I mean I was once in great shape, and have admittedly not been in the gym as much as I ought to, but come on. I'm not fat, and can't understand why "normal" females* do not find me attractive. This leads me to my second point:

2) All women are delusional: If you think writing "easy-going" or "loves movies" is going to somehow set you apart from the herd, you're fucking crazy. All girls think they're easy going. What is that shit? The reason you're on this site in the first place is because you're NOT easy going. If you were, you'd take the approach that 'things are going to work themselves out' and not whine and complain about how you can't meet the right people. That is the EXACT OPPOSITE OF EASY GOING, you stupid woman. Side note: Everybody loves movies, who the fuck do you think you are? I mean, granted you look like Roger Ebert, but that doesn't make you a film expert.

3) Every single girl on match.com is taller than me: No bullshit, every "wink" I got was from a girl who was 5'11" or taller. What do they want on a first date? Me to balance on a ball, juggle, and have them throw me across the room? Move onto the next profile, Gigantor, I'm short and stocky and do not need your sympathy or kinky sex acts that involve me dressing up in costumes. I mean...not that I know anything about that or anything...fuck off.

4) My home state is a Greek Tragedy: Seriously, you should see the single girls New Hampshire has to offer, they should seriously have their own fucking telethon.

Now, those are all facts, these are things that I actually witnessed. This is what I have come to. Just this morning, I took a peek at my profile to see that I got an email from a girl who listed her interests as the NRA and the last book she read was something regarding "Fantasy Dragons." Yeah, and did I mention she was 28-years-old and reading fantasy dragon books while going to monthly meetings of the goddamn NRA???!?! Is that fucked to anybody but me? Here's the thing: I majored in classical languages and Asian studies in college. I own several Frank Miller graphic novels, and Coheed and Cambria is one of my favorite bands, but am I THAT big of a goddamn dork?

Here's the thing; I used to be a social guy. Not to toot my own horn, but when I was more of a strapping young man I could throw the claw up and get it down in a crowded room of girls. Now it seems, I attract Dungeon Masters and girls who wash themselves with a rag on a stick. Perhaps I'm being unkind, perhaps they're really nice people and I've just had too much coffee today, but HOLY HELL I need to get out of here.

Okay, enough of the rant, and now onto the real problem with online dating.

The real problem I see here is that decent-looking girls who are on these sites and are "sick of the bar scene" are just as impossible to deal with as they would be in real life. Admittedly, I've done whatever I could to kind of break the ice with every girl who fit my criteria, and even if we seemed like a dynamite fit for each other, I am the first person in the history of online dating to strike out in the email department. Really. I can't even get an online girl to find me to be witty, charming, and perhaps a bit attractive. I'm beginning to think that I peaked sexually at 18 like everybody told me I would, but perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself. After all, this was just an experiment for me, just to see what I was up against in the dating world. But I'm beginning to feel like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the hill** and God is punishing me for ever becoming a Latin teacher in the first place.

Today my own flag is at half mast. I am mourning the loss of my dignity and any social life I thought I had. Take a moment moment out of your day for observed silence for me.

Fucking fantasy dragons,
R Von D

*There are, of course, no normal women left on Earth.
**Classical mythology reference alert!

I Traveled 3000 Miles For This?

2008-03-26T16:51:00.003-04:00

Spring 2007

My former college roommate, Mike, was now living in Chicago and I hadn't had any debaucherous activity with him in almost 2 years. We decided that a trip to Phoenix, AZ to catch the Red Sox play the DBacks was a wise plan of attack, as we had clearly won our battles with the East Coast and Doon had staked a strong claim in the Midwest. 2 of Mike's high school buddies, Matt and Craig were up for a vacation as well. And so it was settled, Friday June 7^th we would all fly to Phoenix. Matt, Craig and I would fly from Logan Int'l in Boston and Mike would depart from Chicago. We settled all of our reservations in early April and the anticipation mounted for a few months.

June 7 2007

5:45 AM (EST): Three chubby white men boisterously make their way through the Air Tran Airways security checkpoint at Logan. We are all dressed appropriately for an early summer's morning. Jeans and hooded sweatshirts as it is before 6AM. This was to be my first flight since I was approximately 7 years old and take note that I had refused to go on several vacations in previous years because of a fear of flying after 9/11. Obviously, I ended up with the seat across the aisle from Matt and Craig. During take-off, I think I legitimately reached for Matt's hand twice across the aisle for comfort. A relatively uneventful 90 minute flight to Atlanta ensued. I think it was the free XM radio featuring an entire station of Kelly Clarkson hits that saved me from a panic attack.

9:00AM (EST): Do not ever ask for Pepsi products anywhere in Georgia. Someone pulled out an Uzi on me just for seeking out Mt. Dew. The headquarters of Coca Cola is somewhere near ATL and they are all real homers down there. We boarded a new Air Tran flight, now bound for Phoenix. By this point we (note, college educated adults in their 20s) had realized that we could make transvestite jokes out of the name of our airline. This became exponentially more amusing when something that resembled Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs boarded our flight. I would spend the next 3 hours staring out the window to avoid eye contact with the it sitting 3 rows away. (Note: If you keep in mind the fact that we were in an air conditioned airplane then airport for the entire duration after our exit from New England, the next part of this story will be funnier.)

9:00AM (PST): "Folks, we'll be touching down at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport in about ten minutes. The time is currently 9AM Pacific Standard Time, the sky is clear and it's a gorgeous summer morning. It's currently about 105 degrees and we thank you for flying Air Tran Airways." Oh no.

9:30AM (PST): Matt, Craig and I found Mike in the airport, as he had arrived a few minutes ahead of us from Chicago. We stepped outdoors, started sweating profusely, and hailed a taxi van as quickly as possible.

10:45AM (PST): After checking into our hotel in downtown Phoenix, we realized that it was actually more like 2 in the afternoon back east. We needed to feed. Being newcomers to the West Coast, we sought out the closest In 'N Out Burger. Unfortunately, it was 20 minutes away in Tempe. We took a $60 round trip cab to Tempe just to eat 3 cheeseburgers (4x4 animal style.) During our return to Phoenix, we saw billboards galore for something called "Miller Chill." It was clearly a Miller Brewing Company product, but it was being advertised with a Mexican theme. This needed to be investigated further. After arriving back at our hotel, we set out on foot (AWFUL IDEA IN 110 DEGREE HEAT) to hunt down Miller Chill. We brought beverages back to our hotel and started saucing up. To our great bewilderment and surprise, Miller Chill was the cerveza of the gods.

6:30PM (PST): We stumbled towards Bank One Ballpark. We watched the Sox smoke the DBacks. Uneventful part number 1 of trip. We sat in a luxury club suite section where Long Island Iced Tea quickly became the drink of choice.

10:30PM (PST): We found a cab after game. "Take us to the finest Gentlemen's Establishment within your city limits." Somehow, we failed to realize that Phoenix's city limits are about 2000 square miles wide. Our second expensive cab ride of the day later, we were located at Phoenix's lovely BOURBON STREET CIRCUS. Just the name of this place was awesome. As an experienced customer of gentlemen's establishments, I can easily say that this place had the cleanest and least creepy restrooms I'd ever used. It actually had those old-school saloon doors to get inside. An un-named member of our party actually did a Pac-Man Jones impersonation and made it rain onto the stage.

June 8 2007

2:00AM (PST): Sleep.

8:00AM (PST): Wake up and watch Sportscenter on loop for 2.5 hours in hotel room.

11:00AM (PST): Mike, Matt and I decide it's time to get started. We leave Craig alone in hotel room rubbing on himself. We found a lovely Mexican place called "los hermanos." Nothing like a tall, cool Budweiser at 11am to get you feeling a little sad about yourself. Matt reminded Matt and I that it was well after 12 noon where we were really from. This time zone business really fouls up your feelings of self-worth. After a few hours spent at "los hermanos" and your humble author feeling confused about not being able to find any $1 bills in his wallet, we set out back for the hotel.

2:15PM (PST): Your confused and slightly hungover/drunk author realizes his cell phone is conspicuous by its absence. Matt remembers seeing me place it down on a table during a "dance" the previous night. Luckily, I had several ATM receipts in my wallet from the Bourbon Street Circus, so it wasn't tough to find the phone number. One easy phone call later, I knew that the proprietor of the Circus was going to hold onto my phone for the afternoon if I would like to retrieve it. I took a lonely $40 cab ride outside of my comfort zone and entered a strip club by myself and while it was sunny out. Yuch. At least I had my phone back and wouldn't have to explain that one to anyone when I got home.

4:00PM (PST) The Four Horsemen decided to hit the hotel pool for a quick dip and cool off. Unfortunately, we found that every other awful Red Sox fan at our hotel had the same idea. I actually heard arguments debating whether WAAF or WBCN was a better station. We also found out that residents of Revere and Everett do not enjoy each others' company and are willing to do cannonballs into the pool to prove that they are tougher than one another. This basically looked like the parking lot at Gilette Stadium before a pre-season Patriots game where you get those weirdo fans who can't afford regular season tickets, but there was a pool in the middle. It was awful and I apologize to Hyatt Regency Hotels' staff for being a willing and active part of it.

7:00PM (PST) We again stumble into Bank One Ballpark. Spend 9 innings sitting right behind the DBacks bullpen harassing their middle relief. Uneventful part number 2 of the trip.

10:00PM (PST) Mike had done some recon on the Phoenix area before the trip and found a karaoke bar for us to visit. I brought the house down with an epic rendition of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" and such Karaoke Revue staples as "Just a Gigolo" and "Mack the Knife." You'd be surprised how much the residents of Arizona appreciate Diamond David Lee Roth as performed by el Fridgerino. Our associate Matt stepped outside to vomit into the bushes and with this we were informed by the staff that closing time was at 1:30.

June 9 2007

1:15AM (PST): Matt and I decided we needed some food. We left Mike and Craig behind at the bar with two large women in their late thirties. We walked through a drive-through of a taco place and ate our food walking back down the street towards the bar. We heard a strange noise come out of some sagebrush on the side of the road. I couldn't tell if it was a human-sized scorpion or a 60 foot long rattle snake. In a move reminiscent of Ron Von Don on the streets of Hartford…all in one motion I hailed a cab, opened the door and threw Matt into the backseat to get away from the mutated creatures that stalk white boys on the mean streets of outer Phoenix. We got back next to the bar and we informed our chauffer that we had 2 more riders. Craig happily joined us in the cab while Mike spent 10 minutes entertaining the thought of spending the night with his new ladyfriends in Mesa, AZ. (Mapquest it, he would have been 45 miles away from Phoenix, moron.) I started pleading with the driver to leave him in the parking lot, telling Craig and Matt that Mike would "pay for this decision," but those two (being more loyal friends) made sure that we didn't leave him. Even screaming "don't go home with those fat c's" out the window of the cab couldn't make his mind up. It wasn't until one of us yelled something about the ladies being part of the Arizona Cardinals offensive line that Mike was convinced to rejoin us.

2:00AM (PST): Sleep.

10:00AM (PST): I get pulled out of security line for trying to sneak a Randy Johnson bobblehead onto the plane. Apparently having a pock marked pit faced doll with you on an airplane is now a federal offense.

4:00PM (EST): We arrive in friendly Atlanta again. This time, we do not order any Pepsi products.

10:00PM (EST): I arrive home in Nashua. Sunburned, tired and still confused where all my $1 bills are.

Who Loves Irony!?

2008-03-24T10:20:00.005-04:00

As of right now (March 24th, 2008 10:22 AM) I am sitting in a seminar for teachers discussing appropriate web site usage in the classroom and I am writing this while some Canadian frog is going on and on about appropriate web usage. Why am I doing this instead of paying attention? Two reasons. One, I really don't care what the kids do on the internet in my classroom, if they fail they fail and I will smile while their parents grovel at my feet for better grades. Two, I'm R Von D and I do what I want, when I want, how I want to do it, and who I want to do it with...so put that in your back pocket.

Any questions, concerns, please direct them to Fridge, K-Rock, or The C, or Dana Complaina, 'cause I don't give a shit.

Two fingers, One love,

R Von D

R Von D's Internet Videos of the Week: Vol. 2

2008-03-23T13:48:00.002-04:00

Back from vacation, thought I'd break you assholes off somethin' proper.

1. The Best Scenes from "The Wicker Man:"
If you haven't seen this Nicholas Cage box office bomb, here are the best parts. And by "best parts" I mean "unintentionally absolutely goddamn hilarious parts" like Cage punching women and getting a helmet of bees put on his head. Please to enjoy.

2. Midget Wrestler Tossed Into A Sliding Face Plant:
There are very few things in this world that make me happier than a retard with an ice cream cone. Three of these things come together in one glorious internet clip: midgets (or "little people" to be politically correct), professional wrestling, and face plants. Watch how far this little bastard slides across the ring. Don't you just want to pick him up and hug him after that?

Midget Tossed Into A Sliding Faceplant - Watch more free videos

3. The Ipecac Vomit Prank:
Glorious prank I wish I could pull off on one of my friends that doesn't like me all that much (K-Rock comes to mind). I think this kid's reaction is a bit much. I like to think that after the searing pain in my stomach subsided and there was no more stomach fluids for me to flush out, I'd have a good laugh. At least I think, I may kill some people first, guess we'll have to wait and see right?

Ipecac Vomit Prank - Watch more free videos

4. Canadian Reporter Gets Smoked By A Sled Mid-Broadcast:
This happened to me once so I should feel bad right? Wrong. This happened to me when I was fuckin' five and not a grown man broadcasting on live television. Take that, queer.

Reporter Owned By Sled - Watch more free videos

5. A Video From the "Are You Serious?" Files:
Meet Sharon and Fred. They make movies. They're also married and are probably the two creepiest people I have ever seen. The cuts are awful, the dialog is horrible, the animation is worst thing I have ever seen, and I pray to God that these people don't have kids. Oh, and how about mentioning the anniversary at the end of this? What are these two going to tape on their anniversary? Could you imagine Fred piping Sharon with some Loch Ness Monster animation in the background? Yeah, have fun with that image in your head the rest of the day.

Worlds Best Video Production Company - Watch more free videos

Enjoy ya bastids,

R to the D

Dana Complaina's Gripes of the Week, Vol. 1

2008-03-14T11:11:00.003-04:00

In keeping with the overall theme of my nickname and attitude towards
life, I give you my top 5 gripes of the week. Just a few little things
that are really chapping my bottom this week.

1. Tagging on Facebook. There is nothing more invasive, annoying and
inconsiderate than receiving an email alerting me that someone has
"tagged 50 photos of you" on facebook. Here's the thing, sure we had a
great time last weekend. Yes, I'm glad you took pictures so we'll
never forget it. But what gave you the idea I wanted everyone I went
to high school and college with, met at a bar that one time, made out
with two years ago, or currently work with to know what I did, who I
was with, and the poor decisions I made? Is it really necessary? Are
you that desperate for attention? Do you have a life? Are you just
dying for people to see on their news feed that you've posted pictures?
Grow up. Get a life. You're dumb.

2. PT Cruisers. What retard decided that designing a turn of the
century"gansta" car would be a good idea? Do you see the people who
drive these things? Holy smokes. Yeah guy, you're looking real tough
in your purple PT Cruiser. Your vanity license plate it killer too,
how long did it take you to come up with "GNGSTR?"

3. Recycling. Now I realize green is in, but come on. I got an email
from HR today saying that a "concerned staffer noticed plastic bottles
piling up in the trash" and that drastic measures will be taken to
resolve the issue. Drastic measures? What are you going to do, have a
trash monitor? Are we in 3rd grade, we can't handle throwing our own
trash away? And who takes the time to take an inventory of what's in
the trash at work? Looks like someone needs a little extra work to do
instead of poking around the receptacle. Maybe you should just quit
and start working for Greenpeace, I heard they need a few extra hands.
Weirdo hippy.

4. Movie rental late fees. They no longer exist. This sounds like a
good thing to the common person, but a true movie lover knows this is
poison. There are 3 movies that I'm dying to see. Michael Clayton,
American Gangster, and Jesse James. I've gone to Blockbuster on 3
different occasions over a week and every time I go the outcome is the
same, NO FREAKING MOVIES. How can this be? How can a movie rental
store, that's what they do, provide movies for rent and return, not
have ONE copy of any of the hottest titles out right now? I'll tell
you how, people are not being punished for failing to abide by the due
date. This is ludacris. Did you get in trouble if you passed in a term
paper late? Yes. Did your parents ground you if you were late for
curfew? Yes. I certainly get a ticket every time I forget to fill the
parking meter. Then why shouldn't you be punished for not returning a
movie on time?? I know it's sitting on your coffee table. You watched
it once, your done. You could have had it in the next day, but no.
Instead you're punishing me. I hate you.

5. Buffet Restaurants. Now I understand this is a sensitive subject,
especially for our two original authors, but I gotta get this off my
chest. These have to be the most disgusting places on earth. I have an
idea, let's semi cook food and leave it out for hours then charge
people $30 a head to eat as much as they can. Sounds like a plan to
me. Oh wait, let's make sure we pack it in with people who have NO
respect for personal space. Everyone all up in each other's nut, yeah
that sounds good. Little kids running around your ankles grabbing at
food. Arms reaching across you chest like savages who have never
tasted food before. That'll be great. It'll be a hit. People will love
it.

Fridge's Five Stages of Work Related Anger

2008-02-28T23:39:00.005-05:00

I have a very nice job. I work at a solid, respected company and have my own cubicle. By no means am I miserable like Dana Complaina. In fact, I tried to get Miss C a job at my company. I don't know what went wrong, she probably brought her negative attitude into the interview and screwed it all up. The point of my writings this evening is to tell you, dear reader, about my five stages of anger that I express during the average work day. I have a kickass iPod boombox on my desk at work and over 4000 songs to choose from, and I could just use multisyllabic words (like RVD would) to describe my hate and disgust. Instead, I'm going to let you imagine my demeanor based on my musical selections at each of these five stages.

DEFCON 5 - 311/Incubus
Here, I'm still at the point where I think that music with positive vibes can cure me. One of my coworkers has generally asked me a repeated question that I explained to he or she (probably a she) at least twelve times before. Perhaps my GChat isn't working so I can't communicate with Ron Von Don and Dana Complaina. Most mornings bring some bad news though...Hillary Clinton still allowed in public without a muzzle, the Red Sox signing an obese Bartolo Colon, the Celtics signing an alien looking Sam Cassell, or me getting poked inappropriately by one of K-Rock's idiot PSU friends on facebook. Oh well, maybe things are looking up.

DEFCON 4 - TOOL/Smashing Pumpkins
I've passed the point where music can positively effect me. I'm at the stage where I need to tap my feet to the beat of a song or else my foot is going into the back of someone's head when they are stupidly staring at their computer without being able to comprehend the work in front of them. The general creepiness of Maynard J Keenan and Billy Corgan amuse me to the point where I (unfortunately) probably still seem approachable to people at the office. I guess subconsciously I'm listening to 7th grade rock because I had no responsibility then, and wish it was the same now. Someone please stab me with a letter opener.

DEFCON 3 - Iron Maiden
More than likely, sweat is beading up on my forehead because I've realized that I have at least six more hours of this douchebaggery to deal with. It's two hours into the work day and the best conversation my cube mates can come up with is to discuss the congestion on Rtes 128 and 90 that morning. People should only be allowed to complain about things that they can't control...like "Wow, that Condi Rice still won't give me the time of day, even with the naked pictures I sent her,"... perfectly acceptable. But choosing to live 40 miles away from your office and complaining that it took you two hours to get to work will henceforth be met with a very, very dirty look from two angry eyes in my bald head. I find that "Number of the Beast" gets me through the 10am hour fairly well due to the fact that I can pretend I'm playing Guitar Hero.

DEFCON 2 - Kelly Clarkson
All I want is to be left alone. I can see lunch coming, but I know my phone is going to ring and that stupid Outlook email preview window is going to pop up at least twice before I can feed. Miss Independent is my only hope at this point. The topic of conversation has moved from traffic to the weather now. Everyone has also mentioned at least twice that they have headaches and are really tired. Hearing KC's voice and picturing her hazel eyes is my only hope to make it to lunch without committing a homicide.

DEFCON 1 - Daughtry
I get back from lunch and find out that no one has quit, my phone has voicemails and my computer still works. Power buttrock ballads are my only hope for 3 more hours of work. This music really gives me a chance to meditate on the real struggles of other middle class catholic straight caucasians. Maybe I don't have it so bad. After all, I could be a high school Latin teacher.

Cheers,
William Perry

R Von D Vs. The Norovirus

2008-02-23T20:09:00.006-05:00

On Wednesday of this week I, out of the goodness of my heart, decided to take one of my students to go see his brother (a former student of mine) play in a minor league hockey game. During the car ride my current student, we'll call him Kyle, and I were shooting the shit. He was telling me how excited he was to see his brother play and how he had just gotten over a terrible stomach virus that had him throwing up for the past two days. I then, in an almost insanely foreboding tone, told him that if he had an immune system like mine, he would not have to worry about such things. You see the ironic twist that is coming? Let me tell you about the game first:

To be honest, the game itself was not the most interesting part of the evening. But let me tell you this. If I were in charge of the Bridgeport Sound Tigers, I would have shot all of my full-time employees at the end of this contest. Here are some highlights.

-During the first intermission, some tarted up little wannabe on-air whore came out of the tunnel with a bunch of little kids. To the crowd, she announces that these kids are going to be playing musical chairs the grand prize of which will be a t-shirt. Mind you these children are going to be running around and pushing each other on a near frictionless surface with no safety equipment. I'd fee bad, but all of these kids were from either Long Island or Bridgeport, CT, so if any of them cracked their heads open I really wouldn't have cared, but what if there were a well-adjusted kid out there by accident? Cover your bases.

-In an even more inexplicable lack of safety precautions, the second period saw both an old lady AND a developmentally disabled lad who were sitting next to each other in the handicap section BOTH get struck with pucks flying into the stands. Both of these literally happened within five minutes of each other. First the old lady took one off the dome, then the poor kid sitting next to her got vulcanized rubber right off the jaw. The elderly and the mentally handicapped do not ask for much. All they need are shiny things, some Play-dough, maybe the occasional puppet show, and to be sat behind the tall glass at a hockey game. Not too much to ask.

So the game ends and Kyle and I leave the wretched crowd amidst the throng of ugly people, fat people, and ugly fat people from Long Island and make our way home. Before we got back to school though, we made a stop at a local fast food establishment for some comfort food. Kyle told me he hadn't eaten in a couple days so he was psyched to eat something. We exited with our value meals and took the show on the road. Along the way, as we were talking, I made a grab for a soda, took a sip, and a feeling of dread hit me. I had taken a sip out of Kyle's soda. I was more worried that he would notice than whether or not I was going to get sick because come on, I'm the D...and the D never gets sick.

Around 3:30 AM on Thursday though, I woke up with what I thought was a back spasm. The ache in my back was almost unbearable, so I rolled out of bed to stand up and stretch. As I arched my back while standing, it hit me. The wave of nausea was so great that I had no choice but to sprint to my bathroom. I made the fifteen foot journey in about three steps. You might not know it to look at me, but when I need to I have the agility of a fucking puma, for God himself blessed me with the sweet-feet. So there I am puking in my bathroom for a solid forty five minutes. I had not thrown up due to an illness in a ridiculous stretch of time, over ten years at least. Needless to say I did not handle it well at all. You ever watch that show "Celebrity Rehab" when Jeff Conway was puking into his trashcan? If not, I probably sounded and looked a lot like this (the fist part not the second part):

So when I got done doing that, I eventually found some way to fall back asleep for like an hour at a time before having to get up again. This went on for the entirety of the next day. I did manage, however, to get out of the house to pick up a few things at the local apothecary. Here are the list of items I picked up:

-NyQuil
-Orange Juice
-Pepto Bismol
-Baby Wipes
-New York Magazine (Lindsay Lohan cover)
-Sour Apple Altoids
-Tylenol PM

From the looks of my basket, and the way I must have looked for that matter, you would have thought my name was Ricky and I drove a windowless van around the suburbs but I was way too sick to care what anybody thought.

So the rest of that day was spent whacked out on drugs and drinking as much fluids as I could. While I was awake though I did manage to take some hot showers. Interestingly enough, I managed to throw up on myself while in the shower once. I thought I was just gonna make a little burp having just drank some warm ginger ale, but it was not to be. There are very few things worse than cleaning puke off of yourself, and one of those I'll mention later.

So after the first day I was feeling a little better. My stomach was feeling a bit better and I was not as nauseous, but I still didn't feel right. As it turns out, my dear reader, the norovirus, or GI Bug as it is more commonly known, is a fickle bride, and once she is tired of spewing from one orifice, she then favors the other. So, day two of my illness was nothing but photo-finishes and fear. Why fear? You try and spend an entire day of your life scared of your own farts. The mystical things that used to bring me so much joy in life suddenly turned on me. What if you had a dog from when you were very small until now? What if you raised that dog, had wonderful times with it, and raised it to be your best friend? Then one day, as you were both older, that sweet puppy tried to rip your throat out? That was the second day of my illness. I was scared for my life. The one thing I could always count on to make me smile, my own flatulence, had turned on me. And that, my dear reader, is no way to live. Luckily for me, and unluckily for people like Michael Vick and Bad Newz Kennelz, they make medicine for my predicament, and it is called Immodium.

Why am I telling you all of this? What greater good does this serve? Many will say none. Some will say it made them smile. Few will say it reminds them to keep a bottle of purell in their house and to stay away from germ-infested scumbags like teen-aged boys. They are the source of all that is wrong in this world and it is times like this that I revel in the fact that I only have two months left at my post at Fort Scum. Oh, and here is a little something that Gregoire sent to me after I told him of my plight:

See you in hell, my friend
-R Von Diz

The Revue's Hatred for K-Rock

2008-02-22T16:16:00.003-05:00

As you may know, myself and Ron Von Don (right and left in photo above) are really the bread and butter of the Pen15 blog. My younger brother, K-Rock, on occasion has contributed. We have felt compelled to allow his writings to let our readership see a younger, less-mature point of view, and also so he won't smother me with a pillow in my sleep. RvD and I have decided today to let our true feelings towards this fat idiot fly.

We leave you for the weekend with a laundry list of reasons we dislike the aforementioned K-Rock.

1. Watches the Music Choice channel (just audio, no videos) for hours on end. Has slowly started to memorize the "fun facts" about people like T-Pain, Young Chris, Young Joc, and Young Jeezy that their own families are not aware of.
2. Cannot keep his eyes open once he passes the 20 beer threshold, but is still conscious and willing to outdrink you.
3. Hates R von D for no reason other than he is smarter and more well-refined.
4. Sits down whilst playing Guitar Hero.
5. Has a tendency for vomiting off of the back deck at our parents' house in the middle of dinner.
6. Can manage to dip while passed out.
7. Is not attracted to women.
8. Did not appreciate sexual advances from Dana Complaina (see No. 7)
9. Is a walking contradiction insofar as he will be a law enforcement agent in the next 12 months.
10. Is attracted to Scorpion Drink.
11. Thought Jar Jar Binks was a "dynamite addition" to the Star Wars franchise.
12. Voted for Ron Paul.
13. Is a Communist (see No. 12)
14. Refuses to run during softball games.
15. Does not adequately track fly balls (see No 14.)
16. Refers to Vincent Chase as "my favorite character on that show."
17. Will be armed with a government issued weapon within the next 12 months (see No. 9)
18. Uses all the hot water at our parents' house without concern for others' desire to not freeze in the shower.
19. Sucks at karaoke really really bad.
20. Once bought us Budweiser Energy drinks.

Thank you for your time,
Los Hermanos Miserables

Dana Complaina's Office Space

2008-02-14T13:56:00.003-05:00

She has been mentioned countless times before. Her story is one of griping, bitching, frustration, and the occasional drinking binge. The Pen15 Club is honored to introduce Dana Complaina to the Pen15 Club. And without further adieu...

I never thought at 24 I would be wasting away in a cubicle, staring at a computer screen, worried about whether of not to put a cover page on a client's status report or that my Swingline Stapler was out of SF 400 Premium Staples (not to be confused with the SF 500 which can cause quite the problem - Stapler jams can really bring your day down). But here I am. As a close personal friend of our usual authors, a huge admirer of MKenn, and an avid reader of the Pen15 Blog, I decided it was time to pen my own words of wisdom on the workplace or as my so called friends say complain about all the shit I deal with on a daily basis. So here they are, my Top Five Office Gripes:

Gripe Numer One Co-worker: "Did you get my email?"
Obviously I got your email. We all have our Outlook's open 8 full hours a day. You're office is directly next to mine. You can see me staring at my emails. I even get a little reminder in the lower righthand corner of my computer screen while I'm watching YouTube videos or reading the latest Britney gossip. I got your email and I'm ignoring you. Deal with it.

Gripe Number Two
"Why are you CC'ing me on emails that have nothing to do with me?"
Fans of the brillant comedy "The Office" may find this familiar. Scene: Jim Halpert immitating Fatty Stanley. While I'm a huge Jim fan, I gotta side with Stanley on this one. I don't care that you have to reschedule an interview with a client because your son/daughter/husband/wife/dog/cat/lizard is sick and you need to tend to them. I already receive hundreds of emails a day asking if I'd l ike to enlarge my non-exisstent penis I don't need to hear about what troubles you've got going on. Keep your personal life out of my Outlook.
Gripe Number Three
Sharing an Office
Now I admit this is selfish, but what the f. There's 18 actual bodies in my office. There are 25 actual offices. I didn't take math in college, but i'm pretty sure there's enough space to go around. But myself and my title counterpart (Account Coordinator Number 2) are forced to cram ourselves into one interior office, the only one without a window, divided by the oh-so lovely cubicle divider. Is this absolutely necessary? You already pay me shit for money. I'm essentially your bitch. Would it be so terrible to give me a little space to spread my wings? How about a window so I could see the sun every once in a while? Maybe my own door to close? Just sayin....

Gripe Number Four "Can you cover the phone while I take a 2 hour lunch?" -Receptionist
Um, no. I went to college for four years so that I wouldn't have to spend my days answering phones dear. If I wanted to be a professional receptionist I sure as hell wouldn't have spent $160,000 on an education. I would have gone straight from high school to Gold's Gym and answered phones there. At least I could have gotten a free gym membership out of it and spent my days scouting the talent that walked in the door. God.

Gripe Number Five
"[Insert co-worker name here] will be working from home today."
I don't know about you but I get at least one of these a week for various "reasons" most commonly "We're having baby-sitter problems," or "There's a school delay." Here's the thing, we all know you're lying. You're not working. No one actually gets shit done when they "work from home." We all know you're sitting on your ass watching Tyra and Maury while we pick up the slack for you. And sure, it may seem like a good idea to "check in" on your email, send a few out every few hours, but come on. Don't try to play me. Just say you're dicking around all day. I won't tell and you'll still make 3 times as much as I'll make today while I do my work and yours. K thanks.

Words to end with, "Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And well, if this were my career I'd have to throw myself in front of a train."

xoxo,
Dana Complaina (Cube Monkey)

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The Abridged Encyclopedia of Hate

2008-02-11T18:48:00.000-05:00

-Guys who wear rings-
For my money, there is nothing creepier than a dude with excessive amounts of jewelry on their hands or anywhere else for that matter. What's the point? Moreover, do these men have boxes for this jewelry that perhaps features a spinning ballerina? My point is this: Never trust a man who wears rings. Chances are if you are a man with hand jewelry, you are either the effeminate weirdo who lurks at either the end of the bar or in the shadows in a Sam's Club parking lot...weirdo

-Guidos-
Not to beat a dead horse, but a lot of these 'roided out shitbags typically wear rings...just sayin'. Also, what is the fascination with showing your abs in public and making that half-pucker face that you grease-balls always make in the pictures you take of yourself in a bathroom with your really sweet sidekick. Being a descendant of Irishman, I think it is simply in my blood to despise Italy. Being a Latin teacher, this does prove to be quite a challenge at times, but you can bet your baklava that these gelled-up, bronzed idiots will always and forever be a staple on lists like this.

-Skinny Black Guys and Fat White Women-
Now say what you want about the Pen15 Club, but one thing we never are is racist, and I'm not about to start now. What I'm talking about here is a sociological thing here. What is the appeal between these two, seemingly poler opposite groups of people. I find it a little fascinating and a lot gross. Having studied a great deal of Eastern philosophy, I am aware of the duality of nature and the yin and yang of the universe. I am also aware that for every right there is a wrong, and for every day there is a night, but let us not forget that more often than not, these things don't typically go together (with the obvious exception being Hoodsy Cups, which I feel we all agree are the greatest things on Earth). Even so, I hope the glaring dichotomy I see on a daily basis on the Maury Povich Show is worth my scorn. I just have a hard time believing that ALL little skinny black guys are THAT into ass. It's just not possible.

-Good-looking women with fat, ugly friends -
Nothing upsets a man more than a CBFSK (Cock-Blockin'-Fatt-Side-Kick). This is the "we came together, we're leaving together" girl who makes it nearly impossible to approach attractive women. Here is what I generally feel about people. Not everybody is born to be attractive, that's just the way it is. I rate myself about a 6.5-7.0 on most days. But I bring other things to the table that seemingly make me worth a drink. Now, if you're going to be ugly, at least be easy to deal with. It's not my fault that you look like a foot, and I know how angry you must be at your parents for having shit genes. However, if you choose to hang out with pretty, interesting people at least be pleasant, you pig.

-The Writers' Strike-
Bring my programs back, you bunch of fucking babies. I don't ask for a lot in life. I need my anti-psychotic meds to keep from killing all of you, I need video games to keep me occupied, and every once and a while I require some sort of cheap whiskey and a bottle of store-brand ginger ale. All I ask in return is to be able to watch The Office on Thursday nights at 9pm. Not too much to ask is it? You're writers, and not to toot my own horn, but you're not that goddamn important. Just a point of fact, Kathy Griffin is your biggest supporter. That's how important you are. Kathy FUCKING Griffin. Nobody else came to your rescue ya bunch of c*nts. Pull up your skirts, act like you got a pair and shut the fuck up.

-People Who Make Fun of My Shoes-
While most of you look on my shoes to be nothing more than flashy colors and whatnot, I will remind you that both Bathing Apes and Ice Cream shoes are at the forefront of street fashion. Look it up you uneducated bastards. And yes, that goes for you Fridge and K-Rock. The minute over sized football jerseys, mesh shorts, and sweatpants are all the rage in Tokyo and New York you can let me know, dicks.

-Teenaged Boys-
For my money, there is not a more misinformed and unpleasant demographic on this Earth than the male aged 14-18. Nothing but sarcasm, and an utter lack of hygiene comes from these people. I know because I work with them. Granted, all you have to do is tell them to do push ups if they anger you, but I of course never do the bare minimum. If you have a younger brother or know somebody with teen aged sons, take a moment to criticize everything this boy does. Make him feel like the piece of crap that he is and try to take him down a peg. After all, these are the future leaders of the free world, and they need to be put in their place while we can. Not only that, but I feel that laps should be instituted into the American Justice System. Make inmates take laps for whatever crime they committed. Five hours of lap time is far worse than three seconds in an electric chair as far as I'm concerned.

-HJs-
Ladies, it's time to give it up. For one, we are not in Jr. High School anymore and the appeal has seriously worn off. That's not fun for us. Secondly, I have and will always do it better than you and you need to get more creative as we get on in years. Grow up. As our one lady-friend the C always says, "A hand job is a man's job, a blow job is yo' job." And that's coming from a girl...so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Now I want to end this on a positive note, so here are a couple things that I like:

Cranky, Old People
Nothing makes me happier than to sit at a table and listen to an old person gripe about something . I find the elderly to have a great sense of anything and everything that pisses them off. I also enjoy the fact that they, like my grandmother, feel that they no longer have to be nice to anybody. I've mentioned this before, and I will echo again that I simply cannot wait to be the old guy who nobody likes in the neighborhood who shoots bee bees at kids who are trying to get their frisbees out of his back yard. That's going to be awesome.

Saving Silverman
While I consider myself to be a bit of a film buff, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this is the greatest Sunday afternoon movie ever created. I would bet money that this movie was made with the intention of being aired on Comedy Central between the hours of 1:00 and 6:00 pm on the Lord's day of rest. This movie is awesome, and if you don't think so, I am going to enter your name in both McCarthy's list of suspected communists and the Mitchell Report.

Wii
I have been playing video games for a very long time. Over twenty years if you can believe that. And while I was stand-offish at first about the design of Nintendo's latest console, I can tell you that I have never had more fun than when I won my first game of Wii golf. It was amazing. I actually holed in a second shot on a par 4 on my second time playing. This machine has opened doors for me and has taken another great step towards things like fully simulated games and more importantly, fully simulated porn. You all laugh at me now, but the second that shit comes out, you're going to thank machines like Wii and companies like Nintendo for thinking outside the box. Get your fat ass kids off the couch when they play games. Everybody wins. You get your kid off the couch, and he doesn't have to shower or go outside.

Hatefully Yours,
R Von D

Guidelines For Any Professional Man of Leisure

2008-01-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

As permanent fixtures of the bar scene, we at the Pen 15 Club fancy ourselves Godfathers of all things leisurely. From our collective intellect, to our high daily caloric intake, to the amount of men's magazines read on the john, we are unmatched in nearly every arena. And so, we wish to impart upon you people a few guidelines for any man looking to become a professional man of leisure.

- If you are going to make less money than your female spouse, only these positions are acceptable: Teacher, video game tester, bartender, police officer.

- If you have a hi-definition television, you are obligated to host Sunday afternoon/evening get-togethers for sporting events.

- Disney movies, romantic comedies, and "The Notebook" are only acceptable for viewing if coitus is provided after said movie.

- It is socially acceptable to pop cedar when making out with or slow dancing with a young woman.

- Misogynistic jokes and jokes about handicapped people are always socially acceptable.

- It is a social faux pas for a group of men to get together for a soccer game.

- Whether in billiards, darts, video games, or wiffle ball; winner stays, loser pays.

- When seated at a table for dinner, it is customary to ask people to pass condiments...unless that condiment is Frank's Red Hot. In the case of Franks, one must simply grunt, reach across the table, and use half the bottle for a single chicken breast.

- When watching Caddyshack, it is polite to quote as much of the movie aloud as possible whether in mixed company or alone.

- When one gentleman buys another a 7+7, he expects one in return.

- When one gentleman buys a group of gentlemen a pitcher of Scorpion Drink, he expects some suckling assistance on the other straws.

- When one gentleman uses a public rest facility, he is expected to double flush to prevent staining of the bowl.

- You are also obligated to leave a space of one urinal between men. If there isn't a space, you use the stall, if the stall is in use, you wait.

- It is perfectly acceptable in a social setting to eat a chicken wing in a single bite.

- The video game "Guitar Hero" must be played standing up, no exceptions.

R Von D's Internet Videos of the Week: Vol. 1

2008-01-17T20:39:00.000-05:00

As I have been dubbed by K-Rock and Fridge as the undisputed "King of the Internet," it is my duty to bring to you various and awesome internet videos for your viewing pleasure. As I am funnier, thinner, less angry, and significantly shorter than Patrice O'Neil, I feel as though I am the authority on internet humor. Away we go:

1. Death Metal Alf

This video combines two things that I love more than anything in the world: Alf and Heavy Metal. No internet videos encapsulate who I am as a person better than this:

2. The Trailer For "Strange Wilderness"

Say what you want about the state of Hollywood movies. But, any movie combining Kevin Hefferenan (Farva from 'Super Troopers'), Steve Zahn (Cowboy Wayne from 'Saving Silverman'), Jonah Hill (the fat kid from 'Superbad'), the guy from Grandma's boy, and the guy from the Mac commercials, you got yourself a winner. Seriously, this is like my comedy Justice League. Also, if you don't laugh at the part with the buck-toothed shark at the end, you're not a human being. You're a son of a bitch communist.

3. Australian kid throws party, 500 people show up, cause $20,000 worth of damage, kid refuses to take his sunglasses off.

That pretty much sums it up. There is nothing about this kid that isn't awesome, except for maybe his nipple ring and the fact that he's from a continent that was founded as a British convict colony. Other than that though, I want to hang out with this kid.

4. T.O. Is A Crybaby Bitch

Why are you crying about Tony Romo? For one, he sucks. Two, Jessica Simpson's career and saggy boobs suck. Her dad sold out Romo and pimped out his daughter to the paparazzi. And yet, T.O. (not to be outdone), has to put on the waterworks during a press conference to show the world that he's an attention whore who cannot bear to not have the cameras on him. Enjoy the extra month off-season you miserable C. We all know your "quawtabag" will nailing yesterday's news. That doesn't sound to "unfurr" now does it T.O.?

5. Swing Backflip Goes Wrong.

YES!!

Swing Backflip Goes Bad - Watch more free videos

I hope you enjoy these and there will be more of these to come in the future.

- R Von D

Monday Night Raw + Mohegan Sun = Heaven on Earth

2008-01-14T15:50:00.000-05:00

Monday, January 7I took a half day from work and headed towards Uncasville, CT at approximately 2pm. A quick 90 minute shot down the Pike and 395 and I was parked in the Summer Garage on the Mohegan Reservation. I met up with my associates Big Ron (of Winnepasaukee fame), Tuba, Little Tuba, Pete and Crouch. To say we were a motley looking crue would be an understatement. Cowboy hats, WWE t-shirts, ill-fitting black shirts on Big Ron, etc. To say we felt out of place at Mohegan Sun on a Monday afternoon at 4pm would also be an understatement, as we weren’t smoking butts, Asian or a member of the AARP.

We decided that our first mission would be to get our feed on. We found a $20 all-you-can-eat buffet near the Casino of the Sky. The fact that the gross weight of the five of us was approximately 1200 lbs led to concern and fear on behalf of the staff at this buffet. We harvested all the foodstuffs we could for approximately 45 minutes and at one point I think Big Ron actually could have been considered “sweaty” care of how hard he was working on finishing his fifth plate of hard boiled eggs and pork fried rice.

Mission two was to steal back some winnings from the money-grubbing Native Americans who had gouged all of us on previous occasions. Big Ron and Pete found their luck at a blackjack table featuring a dealer named Xin. I do not know if he/she was a male or female, nor do I know how to pronounce that name. Tuba rocked a roulette table next to a man drinking straight Johnny Walker for about 45 minutes. I, being unable to take the up and down of all this betting, decided I would place only one bet. I lost $40 on one spin of the roulette wheel. Somehow I don’t think that was worth 2 hours of working.

We left the Casino at about 645pm because we thought Monday Night Raw had an early start this evening and that we needed to be at our 3rd row seats on the floor by 7pm. Unfortunately, we were confused about the start time and ended up being those 6 fat guys smushed into seats an hour before there’s anything going on in the arena. While we were a little tight in our seats, I can guarantee you that I was the happiest little boy in the Mohegan Sun Arena and that everyone in our general vicinity was wildly amused by our antics all evening. Yelling “you’re fired” in the Vince McMahon voice for 45 minutes before the wrestling actually began really kept the toothless wonders sitting around us in stitches.

Some highlights from the show included:
A lingerie pillow fight between 5 WWE Divas.
Fridge making “the stroke face” at Good Ole’ JR (he had a stroke a few years ago.)
Big Ron taking pictures of the thong that the girl in the row in front of us was wearing.
Pete and I cheering for every heel (look it up.)
Tuba’s “I Heart HBK” theme for the evening.
The fact that there’s a wrestler named Mr. Kennedy.
A Hacksaw Jim Duggan sighting. Hooooooo.
Spotted sign in the crowd: “EVERYONE HERE IS A JOKE.”
Spotted sign in the crowd: “UMAGA EATS BABIES.”
Spotted sign in the crowd: “HARDY IS 1#”
Big Ron jumping up like a little girl everytime the pyrotechnics went off.
Chris Jericho almost getting lynched.
The uber-homosexual Jeff Hardy dropping a “Whisper in the Wind” off of the top of a cage

I can honestly say that I’ve never had as much fun in an arena (save for UConn hoops games at Gampel) as I did that night at Mohegan Sun. I felt like I was six years old watching old school WWF but this time I was fifteen feet from the ring. I would heavily suggest that everyone attend a live televised wrestling event as soon as humanly possible. Not only will you come away amused, but due to the intelligence level of the rest of the crowd, your self esteem level will be at an all time high. And even though the Native Americans took about $100 of my money, white folks kicked their ass hundreds of years ago and they’re relegated to reservations. HA!

Fridge and R Von D's 'Bucket List'

2008-01-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

In honor of Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman's new movie "The Bucket List," the Fridge and I have had thoughts about our own mortality. The following are our own bucket lists which are a list of things we want to do before we die. Please to be enjoying super-terrific-happy-number-one-lists.

Fridge:

- Go number two on a port-a-potty.

- Get on TV talking on a cell phone at a Red Sox Game.

- Taze a person who calls me "Bro".

- Briefly marry a celebrity whore.

- Go to Vegas and come home broke.

- See Andrew Dice Clay do stand up comedy in person.

- Smoke a cigarette in a bar in Massachusetts.

- Let the CIA waterboard me to see what it feels like.

- Write a full-length movie parody of "Brokeback Mountain" starring myself and R Von D

-Take HGH for one whole month.

-Spend an entire winter watching beisbol in the Dominican Republic.

-Sneak into Tanqueray factory with K-Rock and try to survive the night.

-Be physically removed from an all-you-can-eat buffet.

- Fall though the Spanish announce table during a wrestling match.

-Sit in the bleachers of Yankee Stadium with a Red Sox hat when the Yankees aren't playing the Red Sox.

R Von D:

- Spank a young nurse's ass while I'm in a nursing home.

- Eat an entire Carvel cake by myself.

- See an elderly couple holding hands on a beautiful spring day and tell them to "Get a fucking room."

- An Asian.

- Go on a 48 hour bender and still make it to work on time on Monday morning.

- Out drink K-Rock.

- Run up a tree or wall and do a backflip.

- Ruin a wedding.

- Win a karaoke contest.

- Have a nickname synonymous with a city or state ie.- "Memphis" or "Motor City."

- Move to Waltham.

- Pin my dad.

- Pee on a national monument.

- Convince a random woman that I am either a major league baseball scout or a minor league baseball player.

- Kill an animal with my bare hands.

- Date a stripper.

- Drink a Colt .45 out of Lord Stanley's Cup.

- Get something comped from a casino.

Addendum (I think that word makes sense here, correct if wrong Rob Van Dam)
by K-Rock

-Fix My Slice

-Tour Canadian Hunter Distillery

-Kick Tim Donaghy in nuts

-Replace Domn8r at top of Bad Dawgs list

-Literally stump the Schwab

-Blackout at a Bowling Alley

-Pet a dog without fearing for my life

-Take a pilgrimage to 1915 Moonlight Road Surry County, Virginia

-Be a high school Latin teacher

Brain Droppings From Jamie Lynn Spears

2007-12-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

- Y'all It's gonna be awesome when my baby and I go to college together.

- Dang, there goes my shot with Tony Romo

- What's a Fallopian Tube? Is that like one of those ice cream rolls that sis gets me from Friendly's?

- Jesus told me that I need to turn my boyfriend not-gay, that's why I let him put his hoo-hoo in my cha-cha.

- Nobody told me that the antibiotics I was taking for my chlamidya and HPV would make my birth not work, y'all.

- One time Britney let me borrow one of her three kids for a weekend. Now she's only got two.

- The one time I don't take it in my butt, this happens...what's that all about y'all?

- My mother tried to push me down the stairs yesterday. What's the deal with that?

- Miss South Carolina is so smart. Did you know there was a South Africa?!

- My boyfriend has been punching me in the stomach lately. Usually he just hits me in m'face.

- Tell Chris Crocker to tell everyone to leave ME alone.

- Something about dualies pickup trucks drives me wild. 'Specially when they got those fake dog bawlls in back.

- Why do all boys with tribal tattoos have magic sperm?

- It's good that this happened early before my career was over y'all.

- The guy from Nickelodeon said I need to find a coat hanger and a bathtub real fast if I ever wanted to work again. Then everybody started to laugh and I didn't get it so I started laughin' too. Somebody tells me what that means so I can laugh for realsies.

- Praise Jesus.

Merry Belated Christmas from Team 15

2007-12-26T13:23:00.000-05:00

Let me first start off by stating that all of us apologize for our absence the past few weeks. The drubbings of the holiday season had caught up to all of us and we couldn't find the time in between hangovers to get after our own site...but no more of that my dear reader.

Some thoughts on the holidays:

Since I was a kid, it has been beaten into my head that I have to be nice to everybody from the day after Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. For just over a month, it was my duty as a human being to go out of my way to be nice to everybody. For any of you who have read anything I have posted on this site for the past 9 or so months, you know that this is not my style. Still, I find little pockets of time to be nice to people, wish them a happy holiday season, and even point out where I'm parked when somebody is looking for a spot...but no more. Now in my mid-twenties, it is apparent to me that the holiday season is seen by everybody on Earth as a free pass to be a complete asshole to everybody else. Some examples for you:

I'm trying to get my dad one of those toasters that has a compartment to cook an egg so he can make breakfast sandwiches. My mother, God bless her, gave me some inside information that they were on sale at Target. So I go to Target, muscle my way through the throng of assholes and degenerates, and make my way to the "Kitchen" section which is located on the second floor, way in the back corner. To my dismay, I failed to see the appliance I was seeking on the shelves. It was time to call in reinforcements. Unfortunately, help came in the form of a 300+ pound woman with greasy hair and missing one of her front teeth. I didn't know if this woman had ever cooked a meal in her life, but she was my only hope in finding the perfect, albeit gross, Christmas present for my father. So I asked her if they had what I was looking for, went into detail about what it looked like and whatnot, and I was met with nothing but a blank stare and bad, fat lady, breath. She then asked me if it was with the toasters, I said no. She asked me if I looked in the toaster section, I said yes.
She said "it wasn't there?" and I said no.
"Then we don't have it," she said.
"Do you think you have any in the back?"
After a long pause, and not even a ounce of effort later, she said "No."

Now, If you're the type of person is hired at Target as holiday help, you'd think that you'd be happy to have a job for a month and a half. You'd think that two days before Christmas, you'd be spreading cheer around the best you can and helping people who need your help. But apparently "fuck that" right? You want to be miserable and fat and gross and smell like an old shoe. Fuckin' people.

Some random holiday thoughts:

-Having a baby stroller does not give you the right of way. Say thank you when people let you go past, and don't ram it into my ankles. It's your baby not a shopping cart you dumb prick.

-People are looking for parking spots. People will sometimes follow you when they see you are leaving. Get your shit and your car and leave. Don't take your time, smoke a cigarette or whatever. Get in, get out just like you'd do if you were made to have sex with the fat lady from Target.

-Have a purpose. Don't just wander around aimlessly when more focused shoppers are trying to get around you. Do not stop suddenly and try to turn around or R Von D is going to knock you on your ass then spit on you as you piss yourself on the floor while you are being stepped on by the proles from Lowell, Mass.

-Bottom line, get the fuck out of my way.

Christmas sucks, I'm more angry about everything than I ever have been and your mother's still a whore. Fridge, get my pills.

Hope You Had A Merry Christmas You Miserable Twats.
R Von D

Hard Justice: Pen 15 Style

2007-12-17T21:53:00.000-05:00

Roon Voon Doon and I have decided that the justice system in the world today has gone haywire. The punishment no longer fits the crime. Having seen on Court TV that a Saudi Arabian woman was given 200 lashes and 6 months in prison for being in the company of men in public, we decided that it's time to offer up our own system of justice. The following crimes befit the following punishments:

1. Shoplifting - 30 Minutes of Indian Sunburn on your favored arm

2. Drug Possession - A stern talking to from your grandmother

3. Public Intoxication - Must go shot for shot with K-Rock for an entire weekend at Plymouth State University

4. Beastiality - Have to watch your mother get undressed and dressed again

5. Kiddie Porn - Forced to re-enact 2 Girls, 1 Cup with Rosie O'Donnell

6. Unpaid Parking Tickets - Unexpected noogie priveleges for your entire group of friends

7. Unpaid Child Support - Must stare at naked pictures of Meryl Streep for 3 years

8. Counterfeit Money - You're only allowed to get with unhappy, controlling women the rest of your life (aka the RBoosk Law.) Also, can no longer eat at Haagen-Dazs.

9. Sex with 17 Year Old
a) Male Adult on Minor Male: Death
b) Female Adult on Minor Female: $600 Gift Certificate to Best Buy (must only be used in Videocamera section)
c) Female Adult on Minor Male: High-Five and a Lottery Ticket (must split winnings on lotto ticket with police)
d) Male Adult on Minor Female: Pizza Party

10. Retransmitting a Major League Baseball Game without the Expressed Written Consent of Major League Baseball Commissioner's Office - Code Red (see: A Few Good Men)

Thank you for your time,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos

2 Girls, 1 Fridge

2007-12-08T10:40:00.000-05:00

The Sun UK is reporting that Britney Spears is threatening to release a lesbian sex tape starring Paris Hilton. Now, I'm the type of person who has seen maybe one too many pictures of both of these broads' snizzes. However, my main squeeze the Fridge thinks otherwise. You see, for as long as they have been on the television, Fridge has been enamored with everything that has to do with high-priced Hollywood whores.

R Von D: The people who read our little site should know that you are our connoisseur regarding porn and vaginas that look like stacks of deli meat. What do you look forward to most should this tape be released?

Fridge: The one man premiere party held here in my apartment. Candles, a dark screening room and silk pajamas. I'm good.

RVD: If you were a betting man, who came away with more new diseases after this little escapade?

Fridge: The mixture of their bodily fluids probably created a new superdisease known as "The Rage." This may or may not have been predicted by that movie 28 Days Later. Don't get it near your eyes or mouth.

R Von D: Say you are lucky enough to have been the meat in a Paris and Britney sandwich, who do you think would have the better performance? As a follow up, what would you have them do?

Fridge: They should fight to the death. Winner gets cocktails and dick.

R Von D: So you get the best of both worlds here: A porker who used to be the hottest girl in the world, and a girl who used to be the biggest whore on the planet trying to clean up her act. What is more appealing to you in this day and age? The fallen or the reinvented?

Fridge: I'm a big believer in redemption. But I feel like Paris is due to fall off the wagon into a sea of penis in the near future and I want to be coming in with the tide. (That's what she said.)

R Von D: Paris and Brit Brit are about to do the dirty-dirty. You get to see them use one food item on each other, what do you choose?

Fridge: Bucket of KFC. Paris needs a little meat on her bones and Britney gets grumpy when she consumes under 10,000 calories.

R Von D: If you had to title this movie, what would you call it?

Fridge: 'Two Girls, One Fridge"

R Von D: What advice would you give to any young Hollywood starlet who is thinking about shooting her own adult film?

Fridge: More "POV" shots.

R Von D: What is a POV shot?

Fridge: It's like first-person porn where you don't seen the dudes face and he doesn't say anything the whole time. It's much easier for me at that point to pretend it's me givin' it to Lohan or Barbara Walters.

R Von D: Barbara Walters, huh?

Fridge: Shut up, you fat idiot.

Joyous Yuletide,
Los Hermanos Fantasticos (Fridge and R Von D)

A Comparison Between Two Fat Messes

2007-12-07T09:43:00.000-05:00

Fridge

Vitals:

Age: 24

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 320

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:4

Favorite Food: Salmon

Favorite Drink: Canadian Hunter

Hobbies: Shredding Guitar Hero, Hanging out with Communist roomates

Job: See Milton in "Office Space"

Family: 2 Parents, 1 Handsome, Accomplished Brother

Joba Chamberlain

Vitals:

Age: 22

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 230

Hair:Baldness Ratio: 1:1

Favorite Food: Mosquitos

Favorite Drink: 7 & 7

Hobbies: Horseback riding, Murderball

Job: Pitcher for NY Yankees

Family: 1/2 Father

Brain Droppings by Drew Bledsoe

2007-12-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

Fridge here. On a recent archaeological dig, Ron Von Don and I unearthed a secret diary written by one of New England's favorite sports heroes of all time. What follows are some one-liners written by former Patriots quarterback/role model/model American Drew Bledsoe. Enjoy:

Brain Droppings by Drew Bledsoe...what a cool title for my diary. Its the same two letters but in a different order! BD by DB. I hope no one thinks I'm calling myself a dumb-bell with the initials DB though!

I don't care what people say, Terry Glenn has the softest hands of any man who has ever touched me.

I had a QB Club '95 tournament on Super Nintendo at my house last weekend, but nobody showed except Rick Mirer.

Whatever happened to Eve 6?

How come no one wears denim overalls with one strap unbuckled anymore?

Note to Bledsoe: Get battleship tattoo on chest.

I think that French Stewart is a comedic genius! I know I can't squint and talk at the same time.

Is raw venison considered a performance enhancing drug? I hope this doesn't affect my chances at the Hall of Fame.

Tom Brady's got such a high pitched voice. He sounds like a squealing pig when he's calling audibles. My linemen like my deep voice "OMAHA, OMAHA, 53's the Mike!!"

Speaking of Brady, I don't know why he's always going for the skinny chicks. The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand.

I contend that dial-up internet is far more useful than the cable or DSL stuff. It is much more challenging to hold back when I'm watching porn and it takes 15 minutes to load one thirty second scene.

I still pop cedar when I see Farrah Fawcett, even when she's on the intro for Tales from the Crypt.

Grilled cheese and tomato soup makes me feel better when I'm feeling blue.

Hybrid cars are for poor people who can't afford gasoline.

Why do we need nuclear warheads? Doesn't the government know they could just let me stand on the beach on the east coast and throw grenades into Iran?

How come no one likes my Zubaz pants?

Any stadium that uses a cannon to launch promotional items into the stands hasn't seen old DB get his mitts on a balled up t-shirt.

Charlton Heston is my President.

A TRULY RENAISSANCE “C”

2007-11-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

This fall I had the opportunity to visit an entertainment venue that tops all others I have visited in my short 24 years on this planet, western New England’s pride – KING RICHARD’S FAIRE. For those of you unfamiliar with the Faire (yes the extra “e” is needed to ensure visitors are aware the park is old-timey), the website describes it as “a vivid recreation of a 16^th century English marketplace at festival time. Actors, dancers, puppeteers, jugglers, minstrels, mimes, magicians and musicians perform each weekend for the favor of his Royal Highness King Richard.” In layman’s terms, King Richard’s Faire was a breeding ground for weirdoes and perverts. Know those kids who got really into playing dungeons and dragons in the 80s and 90s? Well they grew up and spend their autumn weekends at the Faire.

Until my visit, I was unaware of the term “LARPing”—which stands for “Live Action Role Playing” or someone who enjoys acting out fantasy stories. LARPing abounded at King Richard’s Faire. I was unsure whether the majority of people at the park were actually employees or just a bunch of middle-aged virgins who had got all gussied up to enter a play world and play make-believe for an afternoon. Regardless, everywhere I looked I had the distinct impression that I was surrounded by people who had forgotten to take their meds. For my own informational purposes, I surveyed the “boothes” (yes another old timey “e”) to familiarize myself with the cost of LARPing. Believe you me, LARPing is NOT an inexpensive past time. Most of the costumes cost no less than 500 dollars. When you top your outfit off with the obligatory chalice, some ornate weaponry made of foam rubber, and of course other needed gizmos and gadgets, you are lucky to get off for less than a G. But think of what you gain -- The chance to enter a secret real life “World of Warcraft” land where you run around in tights and blow powder in wizards’ faces.

Now you may be asking yourself why I decided to subject myself to such an odd venue on my free Saturday. The answer is simple – I was tempted by the ax throwing, the unlimited meade, and the novelty of the park. Armed with 5 alcoholic dudes (sadly, none of which were R Von D and the Fridge) at my side, I figured, what is the worst that can happen? Needless to say, loud, obnoxious, drunk twenty-somethings stand out like a sore thumb in a re-creation of the Renaissance. For instance, while watching the last joust of the afternoon, one of my companions was on his 10^th yard of ale. A large female teenager dressed from head to toe in black velvet Renaissance gear started taunting my clearly intoxicated pal. (Think the “freaks” who used to hang out all Friday night at the mall – you know, black lipstick, black fingernails, chains, the works. Only these teenagers had channeled their freakiness into the historical outlet that is King Richard’s Faire). My pal’s quick-witted response “Let me pull out my sword and slay your dragon.” Just an example of the type of “humour” which was not welcomed at King Richard’s Faire.

Overall, I would not have been so disappointed in my afternoon if it were not for two things:

1.) The toilets. Since toilets obviously did not exist in the 16^th Century, King Richard’s Faire opted to maintain accuracy by placing toilets in old motorhomes as far away from the rest of the park as humanly possible. Not only did these small, overcrowded facilities reek like the dickens, but they were small and unsanitary. Thank you King Richard’s Faire for giving me a real memento from Medieval times, Syphilis.

2.) The highway robbery. Riddle me this, since when did everything in the 16^th Century cost you an arm and a leg? Not only did I have to pay 25 dollars to enter the park, but once inside I was forced to buy tickets in $5.00 increments in order to purchase food and drink. Since the geniuses who devised the entertainment venue know how to really swindle their patrons, none of the delicacies actually cost $5 or $10. Thus, I was left with $3 worth of extra tickets I had superfluously purchased. And if this were not bad enough, pretty much all the rides, exhibits and games (essentially any way to pass the time amid the LARPers) cost more and more modern day American dollars.

I left King Richard’s Faire a little poorer, a little wiser, and a lot more frightened of the people who spend their weekends in Wal-Mart parking lots pretending to be a level 15 night elf with the ability to self-heal.

Ha-ZAH!

The C

A Bar Crawl Recap in Haiku Format

2007-11-19T20:51:00.000-05:00

By The Fridge

Hitting friends in dick
amuses immature Fridge
revenge going to hurt

Drank three vodka shots
commuter rail didn't stop
walked home, my feet hurt

Ron Von was wiser
stuck to moderate amounts
less fun, less over hang

Postscript care of Ron Von Don:
Gregoire and Andy
very inappropriate
mixed company sucks

The R Von D Wedding Date Application!

2007-11-12T14:06:00.000-05:00

For those of you who do not know my brother, Peeje the Steeje recently proposed to his longtime girlfriend. As we celebrated this past weekend with both families in attendance, my mother (once again) expressed her concern with the fact I could quite possibly be dateless to my brother's wedding. In order to make my mother happy as well as to ensure that I am not the first Best Man in history to attend a wedding sans date, I have come up with the following application. If you feel as though you have what it takes to hang with me on the ceremonies nuptials, please feel free to answer candidly the following questions. Or, if you're bored at work and would like to see if you are compatible with me for later consideration, please do not hesitate.

And now, the much anticipated R Von D wedding date application:

Name:

Age:

Gender:

Relationship status:

Height:

Body Type (underline one): Slim, athletic, voluptuous, curvy, skinny bitch, fat bitch

Short Answer (Easy difficulty)

1. What is your favorite condiment?

2. What time of day do you arise after a long night of drinking?

3. Briefly describe your family's lineage.

4. If you could remove one species of animal from the planet forever, which would you choose?

5. What do you typically wear to bed?

6. Does the thought of somebody else getting marred make you more or less inclined towards physical activity with your date? Why or why not?

7. If you could have any super power, which would you choose and why?

8. Other than for the purposes of this application, have you ever visited this website (www.pen15blog.blogspot.com)

9. Briefly describe your feelings regarding Dane Cook.

10. Are you doing this because you feel bad for me, or because you think I'm a stud?

Short Answer (Hard difficulty).

1. How often do you use the phrase "That's what she said?"

2. How many mixed drinks could you have before you cannot walk a straight line (circle one):
1

2

4

8

More than 8

3. If the older men in my family begin to make passes at you, how would you politely decline their advances.

4. Describe yourself to me in haiku form (if you don't know what a haiku is, you should stop answering questions now).

5. How many cocktails must you consume before forgetting the words to "The Wild Rover"

6. What, in your eyes, is the greatest piece of American cinema produced in the last 15 years?

7. What is the name of my hetero-lifemate?

8. Are you prepared to pretend as though you are my significant other for an evening in order to make me look better in the eyes of my extended family (this includes hand-holding, getting the third degree from aunts, occasional kissing et al.)

9. The wedding reception ends. How do you plan on spending the rest of your night?

10. If somebody told you that you could cure cancer, but you would have to kick a dog to death inside of five minutes in order to do it, would you do so?

DESCRIBE IN A BRIEF ESSAY THE WORST DATE YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON.

IN AN ESSAY, EXPLAIN WHY YOU SHOULD BE CHOSEN FOR THIS DATE, AND GIVE DESCRIPTIONS REGARDING HOW YOU FORESEE THE NIGHT GOING FROM BEGINNING TO END.

Please email completed application to penfifteenblog@gmail.com

R Von D

The Pen Fifteen Club

I hate all of you now.

Your Kid Doesn't Need Adderall, He Needs His Ass Kicked

RVonD Vs. Z-Day: An Action Plan

Wow, I'm finding some doozies today, boy.

Seriously, this will never get old for me...

GAHHHHHHH! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

Membership: TERMINATED. Stick it up your ass, Netflix!

Can I Get an Encore?

PHASE 2: ENGAGE!

Week's 3 and 4: Back in the saddle

4-Hour Body Week 2

CHEAT DAY! A Running blog of binge eating

Week 1 Almost In the Can, Bitch!

Guess Who's Back, Dipshits!!

Fridge's Only Contribution To This Blog In A Year and a Half

Seriously, What Is Wrong With You?

If I Were Auditioning People For a Band:

The World Is Now A Better Place For All!

FRIDAY!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

More Adventures With My Grandmother...

Happy Friday, FARTKNOCKERS!!!

You can't make this stuff up!

Way to go New Hampshire...

Why Not?

The Greatest Photobomb of all Time Feat. Fridge

OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG!!!

Hey Asia, WTF?!

Just When I Though The Internet Was Starting To Bore Me...

HOLY EFFING ESS!

R Von D's Top 5 Albums In His High School Collection

RVonD Internet Picks of the Week: Hip-Hop Edition

An Actual Email I Received Today

Somebody Needs to Die For This:

This Is Why Our Society Sucks: Video Evidence

I Seriously Can't Stop Watching This...

An Incomplete List of Shitty Music That Stupid People Like

"JESUS, NO!!": A Retrospective

ENEMIES OF THE FRIDGE

Unoriginality in the "Film" Industry

RVonD's Worst (read "Best") Idol Performances From Around the World (UPDATE)

Toilet Humor

Who Do I Make the Check Out To?

1958-2009

The (Failed) Maturity Chronicles

Adventures in Full Contact Martial Arts With R Von D

"The Hangover" - A Duchess Von D Review

A Brief History of St. Aubin

Hit In the Face With the Old-Age Stick

R Von D's Day of Reckoning

Fridge's Brain Diarrhea

RVonD's Brain Droppings

Wow...how about this? *UPDATE*

RVonD's Movie Clip of the Century!

R Von D and the Miracle Weight Loss Pill

I needed to post something today!

Under-Reported News Topics of the Past 15 Years

This Guy is the F'ing Balls!

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D: Update

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D: Week 2

2009: The Year of Von D

The Weekly Wager Starring R Von D

THE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING

The Hangover Cure: An American Necessity

My Roommates Are Trying To Kill Me: Day 3

My Roommates Are Trying To Kill Me: Day 2

My Roommates Are Trying To Kill Me: Day One

The Comprehensive List of Female Genitalia Pseudonyms

Happy (Belated) 4th of July, You Sunsabitches From the Pen15 Crew

R Von D "Takes the Morning Train"

Frankie Says Relax

Vote RvD + Fridge in '08

Spring Is In the Digital Air: R Von D Attempts Online Dating

I Traveled 3000 Miles For This?

Who Loves Irony!?

R Von D's Internet Videos of the Week: Vol. 2

Dana Complaina's Gripes of the Week, Vol. 1

Fridge's Five Stages of Work Related Anger

R Von D Vs. The Norovirus

The Revue's Hatred for K-Rock

Wow...how about this? UPDATE